Two become One…..

Winter
shrouds the ground
covering all in sleeping death
memories stored
forgiveness withheld
oh damn you poor woman.
Life attacks
in so many ways
how can you be sure
which lesson you should learn?
It is easy to differentiate.
At least it is for me.
I run
I hide
I try so hard
not to face the voice in my head.
I turn my eyes
I duck my head
I am weak
I am
I cannot
I will not
oh shit
hear it comes again…..
the voice
whispering
chiding
making me see.
Truth is not easy to face
to see.
It is painful.
Rip back the scab.
Rip back the veil.
It is time…..
amalgamate me.

©Oct. 13/19
Picture is my own

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Lost and Found…..Again

It has happened again. I lost myself. Well I did not really loose myself so much as I was ignoring myself.

I suppose it is hard to describe, the ignorance I push. When it was with mom I ran away, stuck my head in the sand, wasted an entire summer because I was ashamed of my behaviour. I had guilt. And I had anger. And it all came to a head. The thing is though it all came down to forgiveness. I forgave mom because I know now that had she known nothing would have stopped her from protecting me. Where once I thought maybe there was a slight knowledge now I know that is not true. So when I say that I need to forgive mom I only mean I needed to let go of my expectations. You cannot expect someone else to act the way you would without having gone through your experience.

This is going to be all over the place. I will probably read once and then post. I need to forgive me. I need to say Jay it is okay.

Last year when things happened I crawled and not for myself. I crawled. I whimpered. I begged. I made believe. I should have packed all my things up and left the first day. But I did not. Am not sure why for when I awoke and recalled that he had cheated, I felt relief. Thank god I dodged that bullet. But I did not want to let go. I can say it is not the man that I was afraid of losing it was how he treated me. And now my realization is sickeningly, it was how my father was. Smarmy. Confident. Sucks you in. Hell now that I look back I should have shut him off after the first time we met.

However and I am not making excuses I was in a raw place. I had finally faced it all. Faced my pain. Faced my rage. Faced the reason why I was slowly killing myself with pills. I was moving into a place of security. A place where I could love myself. But I needed to know that I was lovable.

Problem is I am a fixer. Or was a fixer. In that I want to make it all right for everyone. So I attracted men who needed to be fixed. Hmmmmmm I wonder where that came from. With the knowledge that I have now, I understand. It is not an awesome truth to behold but there it is.

1. Pain and fear are really the controlling emotions.
2. Forgiving oneself is hard to do.
3. Being honest with oneself is the hardest thing you will ever do. You think you are honest? Stop and really look at yourself. Shut down the voice that is always with you. Shut down the preconceived notions and listen. That voice…..the tiny one that is pipping up in the corner, that is the voice that you do not want to face. That is the voice that lays it all out brutally. You have no where to run.
4. There are many outs. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. Food. These do nothing to help. It is an empty hole that cannot be fed.
5. Happiness is a choice. Oh I know how trite that sounds. I know beyond a doubt I have lost at least three quarters of my readers right here. I am a woman who lives with depression. I live in fear that one day I am going to be so far sunk into my depression that I can never return. I am forever analyzing my behaviour. My everything. Do you know that is like? (If you do let me know)
6. As above happiness is something that I can choose. Because happiness is an emotion depression is a disease. Oh my god as I typed that this weight lifted from my shoulders. I can be happy. It is my right to allow myself to be happy. I am not dependent on what others think. I am not dependent on how others see me. I am me. How I see me that is important.
7. It is hard to face myself. To listen. To really hear. I do not want to face how I am. How I have been molded. How I always go after the same type of men. How I would rather place a mask over my face then admit the truth.

I stand in front of the mirror. I look at the woman gazing back. I realize time has come to say: ‘Jay it is okay. So you made a mistake. So you stayed when you know you should have run. You should have packed up that first day but pride made you stay. Woman it is time to let go. Your hurt no longer stems from the act but the wounded pride.’

I am done. I have written what must occur. I have to let it go. I was an idiot. I made a mistake. We all do. Make mistakes I mean. I have unfollwed. I have stopped everything that I see on Facebook. I cannot completely cut him out for without him I would not be at the place I am. However I am now at peace. I have forgiven myself.

©Oct. 13/19
Picture is my own.

Restoration of Self

This poem has been inspired by Christine of Poetry for Healing.

Her Daily Haiku-Sat. October 5, 2019

I saw a young woman
standing beneath crystal falls
head back
eyes closed
cleansing herself of her past.
Dark
depression
anger so raw
ravaged her soul
tore her apart.
Year upon year
she abused herself
she took the drugs
she drank the booze
hiding from the truth
blade driven into her heart
time was coming
she needed to mend.
Suicide was not upon her mind
the night it came crashing down
all there was
a howling void
being fed
stop shrieking
stop raging
stop
stop
stop
stop
I can take it no longer.
Yes
for that is me
young
old
middle
I am all of that
and so much more.
Look into the mirror
see no longer shame
beautiful woman
you have grown.
Entwine
image old and new
behold
glorious woman
you are renewed.
I saw a young woman
she stood beneath the falls
washing away perceived sins.
Pushing back
long golden locks
I realized it was me.
Forgiveness is a place
deep deep inside
that is where to heal begins.
I grow
I love
I desire
a new life for me
one where I am strong.
©Oct. 5/19
Picture via Pinterest

Hold Me

Nights spelled with desire
mornings soaked with passion
I wonder at this connection
I wonder what it is…..
what hold you have on me.
What is it about your lips
your eyes
the tone of your voice?
What is it about you hands
your smiles
the caress of your tongue?
I bleed
laying on the line
fine line
one I swore to never walk again
yet here we are.
Frisson of lust
tongues dance
intricate language of love
pull me down
pull me back
light my fire
once again.
Drive away dark despair
cradle me in your arms
stroke my hair
tell me it will be okay.
Hesitantly
I allow myself to unfurl
to reap the light you shed
seeing finally within
the worth you have already seen.

©Oct. 5/19
Picture is my own.

Pain’s Soft Embrace

Softly whispered words
lick my skin like satin
calling forth
a craving
a desire
a yearning
for the touch of your hands
the touch of your lips
your body pressed to mine.
Wind around me
capture my heart
protect the innocence I cherish
protect the woman I am
protect the love we share
please don’t let us burn.
Flashes of passion
day after day
until disease came to town.
A rotting worm
weaseling in between
flaunting her deadly smiles.
With a snap of her fingers
you are gone.
Melancholic tears
haunting melody
my yesterday fades away
setting sun
crimson gold
my life undone.

©Oct. 4/19
Picture is my own.
Matlock Beach.

Truth’s Soft Sadness

Autumn’s crimson
golden blondes
faded
crushed to black
as earth cools
sending to sleep
Nature’s denizens.
Warmth from the sun
fleeting
a sad small gesture of defiance
in summer’s waning days.
Fallen leaves
blanket the ground
breath fresh on the air
frost on the blades of grass.
Honking geese flee the sky
another herald of summer done
sand is boxed
sun set to side
now we must
return from fantasy land.
I must let you go
let you return to your life
ignore these crystal tears
for you have moved on
even when you say that you have not
but baby
I know the truth.

©Oct. 3/19
Picture is my own

Word of the Day Challenge #65-Untitled Poem

I saw you
walking down the street
hair lustrous
eyes luminous
all women
falling at your feet.
Suave
dapper in dress
cool smiles
hot words
caress the mind
the body
falling to your control.
World class Adonis
a lothario consumed with lust
you have shattered a million hearts
until you met me…..
I made you believe I was the one.
I stalked passed you
a belle donna
in more ways than one
stilettos clicking
hips sashaying
I drew your eyes.
Come to my web
feel the silken strands enwrap
beware
the sting of my love.
You lay upon my altar
sacrifice to love
sacrifice to pain
never ending
I will kill you near until you die.
You thought I was joking
when I told you
I wanted to add you
to my
Rogue’s Gallery.
Centerpiece
artwork
you shall be
until another lost love calls
asking for my help
to make them disappear.
©Oct. 2/19
Picture via Pinterest