I am caught
between hopeful dreams
and bruising reality.
I weave a web of gossamer
light and fragile
delight and wonder
as I breath deeply of love.
I fall beneath the riptide
my breath sucked from my lungs
my eyes widening in desperation
as I lose the hope I held close.
will it be my heaven or my hell?
Will finding the pieces of my heart again
and handing them to you;
be a comfort
or a cold regret?
bound by your tender words.
Do not undo
the braided strands
for I cannot endure
not without you as my light.
The way that I am feeling is in part a response to T crying for his dad last night.
For my inability to see beyond my own ego and knee jerk reaction of being hurt oh yeah that is a big factor.
Because I feel like such a fraud. That I am not really a good mom. I am not even a mediocre mom.
I come home from work, I make us dinner. I clean up, I get T’s lunch for the next day ready. I check to make sure everything has been taken out of his knapsack. Finally, I get to take my uniform off put my jammies on, wash my face and sit on the couch. T is on the computer as usual. I usually flip through Netflix throw something on and read or check messages on my phone.
I head to bed about 8:30, exhausted from my day. From being on all the time. From all the smiling and talking. I have nothing left to give to T but my kind indifference. I love him I do. I am not sure I am the right mom for him.
I want to be that mom who is there for everything. Who is able to stay home and care for her child and be there to volunteer at school. The mom who makes the arts and crafts projects that her child wants to make. Baking fresh cookies. Making dinner with all the four major food groups. But that is not the reality of my life.
My life is tiring. My anxiety is beginning to creep up again and I know why. The weather is changing so there is less sunlight. Less sunlight means less vitamin d. Less vitamin d leads to a plummet in my moods which even my meds cannot help to balance out. So I added vitamin d into my daily vitamin regime and am waiting for my energy to kick in at home. Not only during the eight hours that I am at work.
I am finding it more and more difficult to relate to T. His life is nerf guns and Scrap Mechanic. Watching videos of people playing videos. I do not know how to talk to him. I ask questions and bug for answers. He answers briefly before shutting me out. Again that is my fault.
So I need to change. Changing my behaviour will lead to a change in T’s behaviour. No more supper before the computer and t.v. Off the computer and electronics from 8:30-9 during which time T and me will play cards or talk about what is going on.
I cannot continue to follow this path. It is hurting me and hurting T. I want more than anything to be a mom that T knows loves him so much even if I cannot be and do all the things I want to for him. That is all.
Just that he knows I love him.