My Ex

A while back I wrote about how my ex and me were getting along and I realized how much I had matured. Well today I took that one step further. Today I looked passed the man who made me unhappy and spoke to my friend.

This is a man who at one point and time I loved. It is not his fault nor is it mine that in the end we just were not happy together. We are such very different people with little in common. 

Today was the first time that we had a conversation in a long time. And we both laughed. Not the fake ‘yeah get out of my face you are annoying me’ laugh but a real laugh. One that sets the other to laughing. 

We also still have inside jokes and can say things to one another that we are unable to say to anyone else. There have been a few times, where I have been spitting mad and the only one I can vent to is him.

In talking with a girl friend today, she informed me that I was taking the mature route with him. All I had said was his girlfriend was good for him.

And I no longer had to take care of him.

This man is helpless as a baby attempting to organize a tea party. I sent him numerous texts regarding the dates he had T over the summer. I also sent him several screen shots of my calender so he had it. Finally his girlfriend messaged me asking what the dates were. 

That is only one example. 

I can afford to be nice and decent to him. I am happy and in a great place in my life. And I really am working hard to let go of negativity.

It was easy to be angry with my ex when I left. I was blaming him for my unhappiness. Which really is unfair because I had a hand in my own unhappiness. I could have stood firm when I tried to leave three months prior to everything imploding. 

Now though…I am in my own space. I am writing daily. My relationship with my son and mom are amazing. 

So yes, I can afford to be kind with M2. And I even like his girlfriend even though we have not really spoken. But she is excellent with T and that more than anything makes me like K3.(Lol too many K’s- best friend, Auntie and now M2’s girl friend. M1 being my bestie.)

M2 loves T with all his heart. And at the end of the day that is all that is important. He is doing his best to be a great dad. Our failure to make our marriage last aside he will always be my friend. 

Advertisements

Birthday Eve

Today is August 28th. In slightly more than 24 hours I will be 45 years old. I did not actually arrive in the world until 8:20 p.m. so am not “really” 45 ’til than. 

I am looking forward to turning 45. I am not the same woman I was when I turned 44 last year. I am by far a much better and stronger version of her. I have taken my life and where I could have continued along the path of destruction I was on I changed. Slowly at first. But as the changes became good changes, as my outlook and feelings became harmonized and less disjointed I welcomed the changes.

I have documented my cycle of depression and how I had to claw my way back. I have an amazing support group who have been with me since I started on the new journey to me.

A journey that has seen me rise high enough to realize I was in an unhappy marriage and find the strength to leave. To my mistakenly believing all my problems were solved by the dissolution of my marriage and I went off my meds. I began to rely on alcohol to get me through the days. 

My crash, which scared me so badly because I had allowed myself to be tricked into believing I was okay. Our brains are wicked when presenting one with deceptive illusions.

Even after I resumed taking my meds I still continued to self-medicate with alcohol. Finally July 1st I decided to stop. I went six weeks without drinking. And when I did, I woke the next morning disappointed in myself. 

I have had some again but there is a difference. One that I can see and feel. It is no longer a need. There is no desire to negate the feelings I did not want to face. 

So tomorrow I am turning 45. 

 I am eating better. I am sleeping better. I am exercising. I have quit drinking to self-medicate and find that I do not miss it. 

Best of all I am writing again. I am more secure in the voice I have. I am letting those wonderful words combine and emerge like a waterfall from my finger tips. I believe in magic again. 

At 45 I am beginning to emerge from the cocoon of the past. I can see my present but the future….that is a dream still waiting to be dreamed.

Reality

There is a sort of wisdom that comes when you grow up

dreams become a thing of childhood and long summer nights

Reality so different from what was once planned…..

how am I suppose to cope?

I thought that I would be a princess in a tower so high

I thought that I would fight with sword drawn; dragon at my side

I thought I would sail the seven seas. A Pirate Queen

I thought…..I dreamed……I hoped……

Instead, I sit at the kitchen table, check book in hand

trying so hard to make the numbers jive.

Juggling the figures so that we are able to eat

bet you never thought that it would come to this.

Reality is a bitch that breaths down your neck

reality is the hardship that each and everyone of us face

Reality……fantasy…..reality……

wait, was that a pink rabbit I just saw?

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

March 15/17

 

 

What happened to me?

So I have made a rather startling discovery about myself. Sometime, without my knowledge, I have matured. I mean, age wise I am 44 years old, in my head, I am in my early 20’s. However, recent conversations have made me realize that I have accepted difficult situations and learned how to deal with them. And I am trying to teach T that as well.

Exhibit A: T and K are best friends as concluded in previous blogs. And than there is K2. K2 is an interloper, he has no holding in the friendship of T and K but as the other neighbor, he is used as a stop gap. When T or K is not available to play or hang out, K2 will do. Today I made T and K go outside and play. It was only -3 and the sun was shining. As they race out the door, T states that if K2 comes out they are going into the house. And I called him back.

I explained to him, that I understood, he and K go to different schools. He and K2 are in the same classroom and see one another every day. He and K only really have weekends and Wednesday to play. And Wednesday is for like a half hour. However, if K2 came out to play, I felt that they should play with him because it was not nice that they only wanted to spend time with him if one or the other was not here. T got it. He did come in but that was just because he was cold and refused to put on a real jacket.

Exhibit B: I no longer hate my ex. I no longer blame him for the choices that I made. I want us to be friends, not only because we share the most brilliant son but because we shared a life together for 20 years. There are certain things that only he is ever going to understand about me. There are certain inside jokes and bitching that I miss because he gets it. I fell out of love with him, but not the life we once shared. Those memories are so important and it has taken me a long time to accept that.

So I have matured. I have taken yet another step along the journey of my life. I am just not sure when or how it happened.