Okay…..I quit smoking….I ummmm have given up salt…..alcohol I still drink. I walk an average of 10000 a day save for the days that I am off.
Today I was in to see my doctor. I live with depression. Live with not suffer…..But sometimes depression gets the upper hand. We talk, I tell him I need meds, he suggests we take my blood pressure. 165/95 and he says to me….not a true reading.
I all teary eyed suggest that maybe I need to be on medication. His response omg so your blood pressure will be 90/60 I don’t think so.
The belief here is that my depression is playing havoc with my blood pressure. My stress levels and the fronts that I present make my numbers out of this world.
But I am willing to admit this, I am so willing to see this….I need to be better.
So today is Let’s talk about Mental Illness day.
While I appreciate the notion every day is a day to discuss Mental Illness.
I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, major depression, ptsd, bi-polar 2 and holy fuck I am just cray cray.
I struggle sometimes daily but I can go months without feeling anything but good.
Than come those days where I sob into my pillow because everyone hates me and despite my talent I am not writing. I struggle with feeling like I am the world’s worst mother. That I am not a good friend, a good girl friend, a good daughter or sister. I writhe with disgust at my inability to not cope without having a drink. I look in the mirror and cannot stand the image that looks back at me. I have my ups and by god I have my downs. I cry and I bitch and I huddle beneath the blankets because there I find comfort. There I find security.
This is the face that depression wears in my life.