Rose Colored Glasses

A blanket of fresh snow
squeaking beneath my feet
crisp air
frost on the trees
a chilling beauty
as I walk along.
Memories
hard
fast
attack
left 
right 
from the heart.
I cannot stop them.
I do not want to stop them.
Even as tears sidle
freezing on rosy cheeks
I glut myself
upon these remembrances.
Summer sun
fast cars
time of my life.
I fell in love
(still so much in love)
opened my heart
my soul
my secret self
giving you everything
while you…..
took 
and took….
and took some more…..
bleeding me dry
of emotion
faith 
trust in me.
Rose colored glasses
perched on my nose
unable to see
regardless 
that all others could
how toxic
you and me were.
 
 
Feb. 6/19
Photo by Rory Hennessey on Unsplash
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Every Time

Every time I think I am free
assailed by memories
your smile
your kiss
your touch
tears simmer
unshed beneath my lashes.
I tell myself
to not be a fool
that my worth
my desires
my needs
are important
not to be trifled with
and yet…..
when I smell your smell
when out of the corner of my eye
do I spy you waiting
when I realize there will be no more…..
stimulating conversations
where I learn new ideas
new concepts
my eyes are opened to a different way.
There will be no more dinners
or breakfasts shared
beneath full moon
and rising sun.
I turn the radio off
when that song comes on
so as to minimize the hurt.
Every time I think I am free
something about you
will always pull me back.
December 12/18
Photo is one of my own taken Summer of 2017

Untitled Poem

I hear you.
Voices
whispering in my ear
taunting
disturbing
the aura
surrounding me.
Vicious.
I cringe
tongue lashing
striking
finding chinks in the armor.
I try so hard
not to scream in defeat.
Nails
talons
hook my soul
pulling forth
wraiths
dancing with the devil
tears shatter on my cheeks.
Bereaved
on my knees
unable to forget
head bent
submission
why oh god
why
can I not obliterate
the memories that I carry.
Prostrate
I lay upon the alter
blooded laments
anger stirring
rage
consuming.
Wanting nothing more
than to dismiss….
fear
pain
doubt
conjuring….
strength
time
belief.
I struggle to my knees.
Supplicant
hands raised
forehead bent
touching the cobbles
I cannot abate
let loose
fall free
of the person I am to be.
November 3/18
Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

Futility

Leaning against the wall
breath coming in gasps
eyes darting around
knowing that soon
I will have to run again.
‘It is futile to run’
the voice hisses in my ear
as startled
I dash off again.
‘Round and round
an endless maze
all while the voice crawls closer.
Oozing
black shadows
piercing through the gloom
no matter where I hide
no matter how hard I run
they are still there
voices
shadows
insanity.
Wallls built of my memories
move ever closer
confining me
jailing me
no way for my escape.
I scream in terror
I scream in rage
sick of this torment
I want it all to end.
Sept. 6/18

 

Photo by Andrei Lazarev on Unsplash

Good bye My Love

I have fallen

not at your feet

but within myself

and there is no going back.

Now

you are entwined with my past

the hurt

the pain that I feel.

I wish that it had not happened this way

I wish that I could still be yours

yet I know

there is no way

that I can submit to you again.

My way of saying good-bye

it was not right

I should have explained further

I should have explained it at all

there is no way of knowing

what monsters lay in my bed.

Memories that have been hidden

you brought to the forefront

the anguish

the pain

the darkness that enveloped

I curled within myself.

Screaming in my head.

I am sorry my love

I wish it could  be different

we must walk away

while love is still everlasting.

All copy rights reserved.

Jay-lyn Doerksen

July 26/17

Nothingness

Tears seep
tracing the curve of my cheek
trailing
salty kisses on my lips
pondering
why I feel this way?
Nothing wrong
no sense of impending doom
imagination
spiraling out of control
when I know
I may have pushed too far?
Overstepping
infamous for I am
reading too much
into too little
building my fairy tales
only to knock them down.
Self destruction.
I am not crazy.
I am not insane
even though I portray myself this way.
Easier to hide
behind a sinister mask
than brimming with bright smiles
allowing the hurt
to become a dull throb
one I cannot placate.
Never crumble
never fall
ideas ingrained in my mind
not worth it
undeserving
voices playing over and over again.
Happiness
ever fleeting
skims through my life
touching lightly
only to bounce off
leaving me bereft
clutching at faded memories
of time we spent.
Hopelessness
sadness
raging pain
loss
fear
the emotions I live with
every day.
Does it get better?
Does it ever end?
This feeling of……
nothingness.
©Jay-lyn Doerkson
July 8/18