My Truths

I suppose that is what I would call it.
I live in a world that I am beginning to believe maybe very different from the world other’s live in.
I have a lot of experiences in a lot of different situations and scenarios.
I remember what it felt like to be a teenager. Seriously. And emotions. Any time I ask others about remembering emotions from times passed they look at me like I have just grown a third head.
It is like my recall of how black and voided how scary it was when I was in the midst of an unknown/unacknowledged depressive episode. While I do not feel those emotions any longer I can write about them with clarity. Somewhere tucked into my vast brain (everyone’s brain is vast we all know this so I am not bragging) is a trunk full of past feelings desires longings pain anger rage revenge desire and the list goes on and on. I call upon this trunk when I am writing.
I use to be a great one for giving advice.
Not so great at following it but great at giving it.
Now though I do not do advice. I listen and then relate some of my own experience and what I found helpful. Ideas rather than must do’s For what works for me may not most likely will not work for others but there are suggestions and things can always be modified.
I am learning to accept constructive criticism. Lord this is a hard one to do. When something is pointed out that requires change how do you not first look at it as though it is a personal attack on your very own self. Recently this happened to me. Well not recently but six months or so ago. I had a customer complaint and was asked to slow down when punching things in. Now this is not in and of itself a huge thing…….as my boss put it of everyone in the store I was the one who it was ok to slow down as I am usually in road runner mode. I am quick and efficient and when super busy move to warp speed. Sometimes I miss things. Anyhow that is not what this is about. It is about learning to take constructive criticism with a deep breath and understanding that it is not personal.
As for the customer? She has come through my till only twice since the complaint and while I provide her with courteous service I no longer bend over backwards for her.
Is it petty? Damn rights it is. I accept this ugly flaw within myself. And I will not lie and tell you that I am working on it for this is a fault to the bone with me.
I am learning to take responsibility for my actions. I have discovered that this is not a difficult thing to do. Yes I do make mistakes. I do my damndest to learn from them. Recently there was an issue at work and instead of the person who was annoyed with me coming to discuss it themselves they went and yelled at my Supervisor. Rather the person went to her and bitched about my pulling a cashier from one job to do another when we were getting smoked. I saw a cashier come in. Turned to the cashier behind me and asked if we should have her do another break so we did not fall behind. In my defense when I came in and asked where our supervisor was and discovered she had gone home sick no one said so and so has a break list and so and so is doing the rest. I had assessed situation and we needed extra help. I  overstepped my bounds. Next morning my supervisor told me a manager (I know who it was as I saw this person nattering away bitching at our Supervisor) had yelled at her and did I really think she would have left without making sure things were good.  I looked at her and said that I was very sorry. I had made an error in judgement. I had overstepped my bounds. That she was more than welcome to go to that manager and explain or tell them to come and talk to me themselves and I would explain. Needless to say no one came and spoke with me. I have taken a further step back and though hard for by nature I like to know everything I am working very to keep my nose out of anything supervisoral unless I am in that roll filling in. When asked questions I have begun referring them to the supervisors. With cashiers I help but with those who are asking me how things should be done I smile and say you will have to talk to the supervisor. It is a feeling of being left out for once I did know everything that was going on. Work in progress I be.
I have learned that sugar coating and downplaying my thoughts and feelings do myself and my friends no service. I would rather have them tell me they did not like what I was doing. However it is my choice and they will support me no matter what.
I use to stew when I wanted to say something but did not want to cause hurt. I use to have conversations in my head with my friend about the situation and so on and so forth. Now though I put it out there. It is not easy. There are times when I have erased what I was going to text for fear of reaction. I may reword it to sound kinder but I now do say it. And it takes some time to absorb. I know this. I see this. I have done this. Go from having full fledged all day conversations to hello/good morning but no real conversation. For me it usually lasts a day or so while I think on it and see how I can change/resolve the issue. But I do not sit on it and gnaw it over and over again. Two days max and even then it isn’t a full two days spent on that one thought. It sits in the back of my mind being mulled over until I can accept it. Then I move on.
I am who I am. I live my life my way. Not with disregard for what is going on around me but with more acceptance of how things are. How things are going to go. How I continue to evolve and with each situation roll with the punches. I am learning every day becoming better each time I do. Not to say I don’t embrace my imperfections for they are all part and parcel of who I am. My imperfections are what I celebrate for they are what make me more so who I am than any perfect aspect of me. And truth be told I would rather be an imperfect work of art that is added to every day than a staid picture of perfection hung upon a wall to be looked upon and admired but never experienced.
©August 8/20
Picture is my own

Funny thing…..Memories

In the last week I have had a few memories bubble to the surface.
Not bad in the least these are great ones.
All involve my bff.
Last Friday she and her sister lost their dad.
Thankfully he did not suffer and went peacefully.
C is my bestest friend in the entire world. Galaxy. Universe.
She is my longest relationship and always will be.
I adore and love her.
We met in grade 6. 11 years old.
I talked a lot.
She listened. And got into trouble for it.
So did I though.
I am fairly confident that my ability to spell well comes from the fact that for the entire second half of grade 6
I had to stay after school at least once a week due to misbehaviour. Had to copy out a lot of words.
I do not have a lot of whole memories.
There are gaps.
I know why so will not dwell.
However in the last week I have had two memories bubble to the surface.
Both about C’s parents. And her birthday.
Which lead me to reflect that I have only one clear memory of a birthday.
And it involved C and another friend of ours.
Regardless despite my regression this post is about memories.
How sometimes the good ones are still stored in there with the bad.
They become jarred loose with the right stimuli.
C’s dad laughed at us.
C’s mom had to honk the horn to let driver’s know she was coming through the intersection…..
due to sudden torrential rains the brakes on the station wagon were water logged.
My birthday saw a corny horror movie….boys in the night (not like that lol a tale for a different day)
Cat scaring bejesus outta one of them…..saw the sun come up or it just had….I am recalling pinkish hues lol
Also could be fantasy in the last part.
They are there.
In our brains.
Waiting for release.
©July 1/20
Picture is my own

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