Nothingness

Tears seep
tracing the curve of my cheek
trailing
salty kisses on my lips
pondering
why I feel this way?
Nothing wrong
no sense of impending doom
imagination
spiraling out of control
when I know
I may have pushed too far?
Overstepping
infamous for I am
reading too much
into too little
building my fairy tales
only to knock them down.
Self destruction.
I am not crazy.
I am not insane
even though I portray myself this way.
Easier to hide
behind a sinister mask
than brimming with bright smiles
allowing the hurt
to become a dull throb
one I cannot placate.
Never crumble
never fall
ideas ingrained in my mind
not worth it
undeserving
voices playing over and over again.
Happiness
ever fleeting
skims through my life
touching lightly
only to bounce off
leaving me bereft
clutching at faded memories
of time we spent.
Hopelessness
sadness
raging pain
loss
fear
the emotions I live with
every day.
Does it get better?
Does it ever end?
This feeling of……
nothingness.
©Jay-lyn Doerkson
July 8/18
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Untitled Prompt #2

Spring has sprung

Summer soon to follow

childish giggles

abandoned delight

weaving and bobbing

ducking and batting

calling

‘More mommy more’

as I wave the wand

creating a never ending stream of …..

bubbles.

 

 

They’re just things!

I had a conversation today with a woman who’s niece just lost everything in a house fire. The whole house burned to the ground. Pictures. Momentos. All their furniture. But everyone got out alive. They have insurance so the house will be rebuilt and its contents replaced. The pictures, well I am sure that someone somewhere probably has wedding photos, etc. Momentos are probably gone.

This got me thinking though about how much importance we place on stuff.

I have all my photo albums. I have a box full of school stuff mom kept for me. And I realize that it is all going to end up in a garbage heap somewhere or burned before I die. T is not going to want them. He knows no one in the photos save for myself, the bro and mom. There is no connection. The stories behind them will mean nothing.

The school items are useless as well. Again they only have importance to me and even that is fast going the way of the dodo bird. I have carted that box around through three moves. And I think in 18 years since receiving it, I have looked in there once.

If my apartment were to catch on fire, my concern would be getting T and the cats out. And myself of course. Everything else I can replace. The photos cannot be replaced but how often have I looked in those photo albums since receiving them 18 years ago? Once with T who quickly became bored. I have memories, and to me that is so much more important.

I remember:

How for my 5th birthday, mom put me on the bus (this was 1977 things likes this were relatively safe to do) and I sat in the front seat where the bus driver could keep an eye on me. When I arrived at the stop in front of City Hall I got off and met up with my grandma who took me to The Old Spaghetti Factory for lunch.

How every Sunday after we visited at grandma and grandpa’s I was sent home with a chocolate marble ice cream cone. To this day that is my favorite ice cream.

I remember when my brother was born. I did cartwheels across the front lawn. That excitement quickly turned to dismay once I realized I was stuck with him forever. (He he he he the bro never reads my posts so I can make fun as much as I want)

How T cried when he was born and gripped my finger so tight for such a tiny little thing. And I said ‘Welcome to the world baby.’

That is what is important. Not the material things that people surround themselves with because more is better, but the time that I have spent with my family and friends building memories. Memories can never be lost not even in senility or Alzheimer’s as there is a retreat into the past.

And that is what is irreplaceable. Memories.

Believe

Coffee wafts through the air
senses becoming alert
no time to feel despair
no time to stop and relate
life is such a busy state
never a chance to recall
the missed times of childhood late.
Love
Misery
Divorce
Life
Reboot
Recall
Re-love?
Sunshine and swing sets
parks and long walks
children laughing
corn fattening
this is what memories play.
Work
Bills
Lawyers
Alcohol
Drugs
Fall
Get up
Give up
Come clean
Reconnect
Re-dream?
Cabin in the summer rain
war played on the carpet
memories that do explain
all about happiness.
I am not as lost as I feel to be
I am not as unfounded
ungrounded as I view myself. 
Within me lays the strength of the Titans
Within me lays the power to be
Within me lays the well of hope
all I need to do is believe. 
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
April 29/18

Midnight-2nd Edition

**Picture found on Internet**
Midnight drips
cascading shadows
writhing vines of fear.
Memories that twist and bite
call into meaning regret
as hissing poison
fills the room with dancing bears.
Rivulets of blood
cascade down your face
eyes seared shut
to deny
the anguish
the devestation
as they draw designs
with dagger tips.
Slash and stab
murder the dreams
they will defile
they will debase you
as the devil masks the clown.
When you have broken
your time will come to a close
your suffering
will not end with death
only become amplified.
That is what happens when you get into bed with the devil.

Lost in Time

**The picture is mine stylized by Google Pictures**
I sidle through the silent halls of my memories
head down
teeth bared
afraid of what I might find.
Memories that have been closeted from me
the good
the bad
and everything in between.
As time has passed within this dream
I awaken
and find
that the bad have slowly disappeared.
I can see sunshine and light
I can remember things I long forgot
I cry as the good times spill over me.
For too long
darkness has held court over my memories.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Therapy #2

Today was an emergency/required session that I called for last Thursday.

I am still processing and maybe for quite some time what is roiling up from within.

But I did want to provide a small update about myself.

Still cannot write much. I keep stopping and starting as I type and carefully consider what I am going to say. This is not how I write. I watch as the words unfold in front of me not even consciously aware of them, my fingers flow across the keyboard.

This is a week with T.

A candle that I purchased provides you with a message when it melts down. My message: You are worthy of your dreams.

Today’s session was about grounding. And coping without turning to alcohol or drugs. I am happy to admit that I have had no urge. Once I had a small blip that I managed to overcome with a stern talking to. Also I no longer want to self-medicate, I want to be healthy and happy.

I left my session calmer than when I had gone in.

I am exhausted. Physically exhausted, as in I want to have a nap. That though is a no no otherwise I will not sleep tonight.

I know that things are going to get better. I know that I am going to grow into a wonderfully happy woman. I know that I will start to write again.

There are no huge strides to be taken, no hurrying or forcing myself. I am slowing down and taking smaller steps. Steps that lead forward while letting me process all that I can as I can.

Sorry this is more of a list than any actual writing. But I needed to put something down to prove that I could. That writing was still there for me. I have already lost my ability to read I think that I would go right round the proverbial bend if I lost the ability to write.