A little Surprise…..

Today is the day! I begin my personal grocery shopper roll. As of last night I had 10 orders to process today. Not knowing the size of orders I have no idea how long it is going to take me to get together. But I am so excited.

I knew that we were going to have a small blurb on our local news on-line presence as well as our Facebook page. There is a difference between knowing and scrolling your news feed and suddenly there your face (or half of it) on display for the whole world to see. I got a lot of ‘you’re famous now’ comments on Saturday.

I really am hoping that having less customer contact/less being ‘on’ all the time is going to help me to revive my lagging mental energy. And I am being honest other than these few aches and pains (wrists and elbows not aching as much this morning) it is mentally that I am struggling.

Not struggling worried about depression I know that I am no where near where I have been in the past. I am medicated lol which sounds funny but I take my anti-depressants faithfully every morning. I know what abyss awaits me were I to quit taking them.

When I say I am struggling it is a general feeling of malaise. Struggling to read. Struggling to write. Struggling to stay connected with others. I have finally begun to walk the walk that I am talk. Setting up boundaries. Expectations of self. Taking responsibility for my actions.

I recently had to step back from a close friend. I love her to death but at the moment the excess of emotional overspill as well as not really knowing who this person is any more I moved a distance back. I had to. The toxicity surrounding her was seeping over into my life and I was stressing. This is boundary setting for me. I can no longer cheerlead for someone who actively works to undermine her worth and self. It is destructive to both of us. We still talk and I am always going to be here. I just need to let her find whatever it is she is looking for.

The other day I found myself in an uncomfortable situation. A sexual one. I was talking with a girl friend when someone made the comment ‘look at all the boobies.’ One boobies is such a stupid ass word. Not even sure who thought it up but ugh. That is aside from the point. I was incredulous. This person is someone with authority in the position they hold in their work place. And I felt ick. When I walked away I felt ick ick ick ick.

Now in the past I would have chuckled uncomfortably and never said anything.  But this time I could not let it pass. If I were to say nothing it makes me as complacent as all those people I have rallied against in my poetry. I would be a part of the problem. Me-a survivor of sexual abuse. And now I am going to be quiet?

In all honesty I went over it a few times in my head. Was I doing the right thing? I worried about what others would think about me if they find out I was the one to say something. Even as I am writing this I started to justify why I said something when I do not even need to. It was said. I felt uncomfortable and it was not the first time.

Before I would have said nothing. I would have let it go. Tucked my head down and been quiet. I cannot do that. And not be truthful to myself. To my ideals. So I stood up for myself. It was hard to say.

There is one bright silver lining in all of this tumult that I am going through. I have not felt overwhelmed. I have not felt a need to cry. Not that I have not been weepy but I have not been emotionally cryie. I know it is not a word I just made it up.

Well that took a rather meandering turn. This was just to be about my becoming a personal shopper for customers today and took a right turn through the maze of my mad mind. He he he he.

Thanks everyone for reading and putting up with my babbling streams of consciousness. I really do write the way that I talk. So if you run screaming from this peek inside the warped and wefted brain of Jay I really don’t blame you. However if you enjoy stick around the ride is just getting started.

Have a Marvelous Monday loves.

©Dec. 7/20

Menopause or Pandemic? or Your Guess is as Good as Mine…..

I don’t even know where to begin.

I have been so out of sorts it is unbelievable.

On a roller coaster of emotions.

Tears.

Anger.

Swearing a lot.

In my head.

In my texts.

More tears.

And forgetting things. (Almost forgot to write about this)

Which could be attributed to the pandemic.

Also in menopause so I mean there is that too.

Menopause.

The receptionist burst out laughing when I cheered.

Told her it was the best news I had received.

Was I thrilled.

Damn rights.

What I am not so thrilled with is being warm/hot all the time.

You might think that that is a weird complaint from someone who is always cold.

No.

Because my cold thermostat is at war with the warm/hot thermostat and I am the dial they wrestle over.

I start off cool.

Than begin to warm.

Warm-Hot-Inferno-Ice Cold Water thrown on me

Recycle.

Now add on a mask 8 hours a day.

I swear if I awake in hell I will be well prepared for that type of heat.

I hope it is dry though cause I hate feeling all sweaty.

Which leads to the next thing.

No happy medium in sleeping.

Either I am freezing.

Or I am dying of heat.

I have comforter pulled up to my chin.

Fan going at my feet.

Well I also use my magic bag as a heating stone.

Like I was in the 18th C or something.

Not a hot water bottle but a magic bag.

And my mattress cover is topped with Sherpa fabric?

It is fluffy and so so so soft.

Yes I have slept on it without a sheet.

So fluffy!!!!!!

Hormones or Sherpa?

Who knows.

Anger.

Whoa this one is coming out of left field.

Mostly it is coming out in the form of road rage.

Which is ridiculous because seriously where am I going in a hurry?

Well to work but still I am always touting the slower life we are experiencing I should know to leave earlier.

There is though something that I am trying to discern.

Maybe someone here will be able to explain it to me.

A portion of my drive is a stretch of highway where the speed limit is 70 km/hr or 43.46 mph.

Yet somehow it has become a continuation of the 50 km/hr or 31 mph.

That is where my road rage really takes over.

I mean come on!

There are two lanes if you would like to go 50 please move to the right so those of us who would like to do the speed limit can.

Ranks right up there with the incorrect turning at a four way stop.

When two vehicles are turning the same way onto a two lane road can go at same time.

Each one enters lane closest to them.

And then signal to change lanes.

Nope where I am they pull right over into the far lane like this is the right thing to do!

I have half a mind to follow the letter of the road to a T but it is not worth the hassle.

Hormones or stupid driving?

Who know?

Forgetting things.

Well not so much things but in the middle of a conversation I go blank.

As in I suddenly have no idea at all what we were talking about it.

I have had to ask people what we were discussing so I can remember where I am going.

That though is not abnormal.

Others have been doing it as well.

My best so far has been attempting to get out of the car while still in drive with the car running.

Covid Fog I believe it is called.

Tears.

I always cry.

Have my entire life.

It is very cleansing.

Well it use to be.

Before I began to drink to hide from them.

Before I began to use pills to hide from them.

Well I kicked the pills Dec. 23/17 (3 year anniversary fast arriving)

And it has been 130 days today that I have quit drinking.

I am feeling all the feels.

Anger.

Loneliness.

Longing for physical touch.

Time needing to be filled.

I could go on and on and on.

With T as much as I post the fun stuff we have our struggles.

Attitude is beginning to come out of the wazoo.

He is big.

He is brutish.

He takes up so much space.

I adore him…..

why as parents when we are complaining about our child(ren) do we have to insert a qualifying statement…..

you know I adore him so why must I tell you?

He is only going to get bigger.

He has been spending time in his shack at his dad’s blaring music.

Every time I talk to him ‘huh?’

I feel like I am constantly nagging at him…..

clean the litter box…..

wash/dry dishes and put them away…..

clean up room…..

take garbage out…..

nothing that is going to cause him a great deal of grief were he to do it when asked.

Yet he does not want to.

Pushes the limits until I get annoyed and do it myself.

I know I could leave it but I am not leaving the litter boxes.

I cannot leave my counters piled high with dishes.

Trying to get him up.

Oh my god it is like trying to pull teeth.

I swear I have seen a sloth move faster than this kid does.

I know I have said that in previous posts but he would try the patience of even a sloth mom…..

I apologized to him yesterday for nagging at him.

He says he did not think I was nagging only I thought I was nagging.

What the heck does he think I was doing?

When I was repeating every 10 minutes: T come and clean up the kitchen.

                                                                 T have you done the litter boxes yet?

And so on and so forth.

As you can see the list for both is the same.

A 50/50 shot as to which one is responsible for what emotion.

Who knows?

Me?

I am rolling with the punches.

Kinda.

I did just take two days as mental health days.

It helped.

I feel more centered.

Oooooops that was were I was going when I mentioned being sober.

I was asked if I was feeling more is because I would usually turn to alcohol to buffer me.

At first I pooh pah’d the suggestion.

Yet the more I thought about it the more I realized it could be playing a part.

I am rawer now.

No longer pushing those feelings down.

I can only go for so long before even I crack.

As I told a co-worker who passed me as tears leaked down my cheek: Sometimes I am not always as strong as the rest of the time.

She did not know what to say.

People at work are not use to me being like this.

And not to beat a dead horse with a stick but happiness is so new still.

How do you quantify it?

Let’s be generous and say that my slide into depression began around age 14.

Throughout the years I have been ok/believing that this was what happiness was like.

I was 45 when I went Ka-boom.

31 years before I knew what real happiness was.

What peace in life was.

When I get like this…..

Crying.

Sad.

I fear…..

it is a terror I carry that I am sliding back into that black hole of depression.

I am doing something though about it.

I am talking to my friends.

I am being honest about everything.

No more splitting hairs.

No more hiding behind my ability to play words so I am not really accountable.

And I am crying.

A lot.

Which is ok.

My boss-who use to be my 2nd when I was Front Lead-is amazing.

She knows how to lead me through these blips like a champ as she knows exactly what I am going through.

And she always reminds me that having a few bad days are okay it is what makes those good days even sweeter.

I do remember it eventually and life returns to normal.

Now though?

Who knows?

It could be Covid Pandemic.

It could be Menopause.

But all of it is me.

©Nov. 25/20

Picture is my own