Mom’s Embrace

I watched you walk away
A split image
No more than that
A view of…..
The child you were
The boy you are
The teenager you will be
To the man you become.
In that moment
My heart swelled
With love
With motherly pride
And I realized
The fights we have
The life we have
It is one unique to us
One we have crafted
Together.
I may not be a proper mom
I don’t bake
I use curse words
(Not naive…..
You have heard them before)
I drink
But I am your mother
And you make me perfect.
Son
From the day you were born
To the day that I die
(And beyond….
Like that isn’t creepy)
I vowed to love you
I swore to protect you
To always be your touchstone.
I will always be here
Never worry about that
Even in anger
Know that you can always come
And shelter in mom’s embrace.
 
©May 12/19
Meme found on Pinterest
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Lessons Learned

This started off as a daily post has turned into a rambling full of everything post. 
 
Today started off well enough. T seemed to be in a great mood until he wasn’t. One of his daily chores is to empty out his school bag. Lunch kit. Not hard chore I am not asking him to scrub between the tiles with a toothbrush. Last night he ‘forgot’ given he had to take out the garbage. Clean the cat litter. Put dishes away. How could I expect him to remember everything?
I make his lunch and put it into a plastic bag. T comes out and says he brought his lunch kit home and I should put his lunch in there. I said no you should have cleaned out your bag last night.
This lead to a couple of tirades which I listened to. T thought he was winning. Than he bombshells well attempts to bombshell shame me (me ha I am shameless) with ‘you know mom people are going to start to think we are poor!’ I took a sip of my coffee peering over the rim at him. ‘T I do not care what people think about us I know our truth.’
T sat there staring at me and could think of no good come back so he just glared at me. Forced him to come into living room with me. Had more ranting and raving. And demanding to know why he had to come out 10 minutes before we had to leave. Which lead to the conversation about his ability to slow down time. 
Seriously this kid has a great super power that I wish I had had. He can control time. Not in the speed it up so work day is over but sloooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwsssssss it all the way down. Told him that he could turn 5 minutes into 15. I was told I had no patience. I am trying not to laugh but this conversation…..
Next I told him hoping he would understand  that he could turn a minute into an hour. He counted to sixty. I said trying to remember it was a metaphor. Apparently I am making up words. Tried to explain and was told he did not want to learn any more new words. Google it. For my knowledge and I was wrong. Still can’t remember what the word is to define the minute/hour analogy? I will google that too.
T is beyond pissed off at me. We get into the car and he is glaring out the window when it hits me. 
‘OMG buddy I am so sorry, I forgot how dramatic it is to be your age!’
T looks over at me. I am grinning like an idiot. T is so not impressed.
‘Text Chichi buddy she will tell you all about my dramatic personality.’
I am dramatic. And Chichi is waiting for his text. 
Driving T to school and I am chattering away. It is math quiz day. T is struggling with math. I am doing the best that I can to help him. New math sucks. The whole write it all out is ridiculous….let me tell you the math I learned which is the same as T is learning but longer and well…….
I told T that all I expected from him was his best. He is still glaring out the window. So I continue to chatter away…..telling him that I know he always gives his best….does his best…..but every so often he just needs a little pinch in the bum to goose him along. LMAO his head whipped around so fast and he was trying so hard but I caught the giggle.
Dropped the boy off at school.
Our week was like this. Back and forth. One day all was good. One day I was evil. 
We head into spring break. 
This week has been glorious. For the first time since December 2018 I am alone all week. Walk around the house naked. Yes I had T and K (his bff) for one night. That is all. M K’s mom and one of my BFF’s has basically had them all week long. Saturday to Tuesday with M. Tuesday night me. Wed through til Fri with the ex. He he he he. Fri to Sunday with M. 
I was given the option to take T and K for an extra night. Oh hell no. No no no. 
T and me are home before the whole week long visit/hang out starts.
‘Hey mom??’
‘Yes???’ he never asks without an ulterior motive.
‘I was thinking. You know if I was an adult and I had my kid as much as you have me, were my ex wife to have extra time off, I would insist that she take them. That is only fair.’
I stammered a little…….but he pashwed me. 
‘Mom I know that you love me……but we need time.’
My boy. He is the light and love of my life. He is also without a doubt a carbon copy of me in the male form. Not sure if I mentioned but T asked me not that long ago if anyone ever said that he and I looked alike. He is physically an amalgamation of his father and myself.  Mom recently mentioned that she noticed T and K (his cousin) had the same smile Someone (I think is was M-K’s mom) said that from the nose down T is me.
He is sassy. He is smart ass. He has some come backs that make me bite my tongue. Do not giggle. To giggle means he wins.
Once upon a time…..I was told that the reason my mom and me butted heads so bad….why me and that idiot brother of mine always were at one another’s throats……we are all too damn similar. 
T and me……he is the male version of me. So much younger. But I can look at him and I can see…..which is why I mock myself….laugh and tease……being a tween/teen is hard enough……never mind having all the adults in your life riding you. So I do my best to let T know…..mistakes happen…..lessons are hard to learn sometimes……let us do the best we can and the rest will fall a-line.  

Math & T.V.

Last night T and me are working on his dreaded math extra work. But it is not so dreaded when it gets down to it. All they have to do is write out the steps to show how they arrive at answer. Same way I learned just longer and time wasting but who am I to argue with the great minds who came up with this ‘new’ math.
However not what this is about.
T did the 2nd question himself and he came slow close. It is when he transfers # over that he is losing something. The pencil he is using has thick lead maybe a finer clicker pencil will help. He did awesome job and even though we forgot some places he felt more confident. He even said ‘mom after this I will bring home more to work on.’ ‘Math?’ ‘Yes math. Hey mom can you teach me to type like you type? I mean I know how to type but it is hard on laptop.’ 
This here is the following reenactment of actual events. Names have not been changed to protect the innocent. No one was harmed in the making of this event. 
I looked over at him a little musically. 
‘Sure. But The keyboard layout is the same as the typewriter I used to teach myself on?’
‘A typewriter?’ T states at me like I have grown two more heads.
‘Um yes a typewriter. I took typing class because it was an easy A elective and as I wanted to be a writer I could not be typing two fingered. So I sat with my book and over the weekend taught myself to type. After that it was fine tuning finger placement.’
I showed him where my fingers were placed. Was told I did not know my finger names. Turns out Pointer Finger is a technical term. Who knew?
‘So mom if you didn’t have computers how did you watch t.v.?’
Well how the hell do I know? I told him there were big round things that bounced signals around.I have no idea what I am talking about so I am making large arm movements to distract him from the jibberish falling from my lips. 
‘And mom if there were no computers how did they make t.v. shows?’
‘They filmed them with a camera. Like today.’
‘But how did it get into your t.v.?’
I could only look at him. I have no idea what to say to him. He hugs me and takes off into his room while I sat there. Bemused and chuckling I am in for the adventure of a lifetime and we are just getting started.
March 7/19

To Math or Not to Math……

How I ruined T’s life……again…..
Received an email from T’s teacher. He has been struggling to learn math. Understanding the formulas etc. Has not engaged with the help that has been offered to him. Was completely unable to answer questions on last math quiz because he did not understand. Well I sent a note back saying that she should send work home for T and he and I would work on them. And if the work did not make it home with him I was more than willing to pick it up from the school.
Waited for T to get home. Had sent the email to the ex but have heard nothing back from him.
‘Hello.’
‘Hey buddy how was your weekend?’
‘Good. Yours?’
‘Good. We have to talk about your math T. You are not doing well so Mrs. S is going to be sending work home with you.’
‘I am not doing homework.’
‘Yes you are.’
And it began. Drama King came out on his white charger. Surly Boy reared his head too and the attitude poured off of him.
How could I ruin his life like this? Did I not want him to have any fun? And how is it fair that the school can just email the parents? Why can they do that? They should not be able to email parents like this! He went on and on and on. I sat here staring at him calmly. At the end of his rant he went to pick up his bag with the Xbox in it. I stopped him.
He was not getting his Xbox not with that attitude he was throwing my way. But moooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmm…….yeah no.
So he goes into his room and begins to kick things around. Throwing things and banging on his door. Until I told him to stop it. At which time he asked me if I had any boxing gloves? Why? I asked (not that I do) He wanted to punch his bedroom door until he broke it. Is this normal boy behaviour? I am not a boy so I really cannot say. Again yeah no.
Chores. Do the chores and maybe I will let you have your Xbox back. Without attitude. Some stomping of feet, muttering under his breath, half-assedly cleaning the cat litter box and feeding the cats. Stared at me while I contemplated……contemplated……..would he like some honey garlic wings if I made some? After a suitable amount of fear time (this is the amount of time one can stall whilst giving child heart attack that you may change your mind) I told him he could take it.
I made the wings. Told T that they were ready and if he wanted some he had to come out to the living room. He did. Sat next to me while we watched some show.
‘Mom I am sorry about earlier.’
‘I know you are and thank you for saying so. You still are going to have to do the homework with me.’
Sigh of disgruntled disgust. We start tomorrow when we get home from his dad’s. There will most likely be a lot of cursing and hair pulling. That of course is just myself on the inside as I work with T to understand these concepts. Wish us luck folks. 

Ruined I say!

***This post was written a few weeks ago but today I was able to finish.***
So….I have decided because he is so funny and a wealth of posts that I will create a new category…..I ruined his Life. T and me have been fighting a lot. And in every instance I ruined his life. These are the stories…..
Let us begin with Monday. 6:41 a.m. my phone rings. It is the school division letting me know that school was cancelled. Had they been any later and I would not have somewhere for T to go. Messaged ex and he stopped to pick T up. Brought him home in eveninng too. I worked 9:30-6. My day was easy. The Ex drops T off at 9:30ish. In the evening.
 So Tuesday morning. All is good until the end……T suddenly cannot find his hat. This hat that means life or death…..if he does not have this hat he is going to die. This is his favorite hat. Okay it is fricken freezing out. There is snow in my car. He is acting like a shit. Do not gasp in disgust…..every single parent out there has had the asshole moment. And you know what, we are going to face the asshole a whole shit load before they turn 18. This applies to daughters as well.
He left the hat on my couch. Nope. I cleaned on Sunday. There was no hat on my couch. 
Now it is 8:50. T has to be at school in 10 minutes. He is refusing to leave because he cannot find his hat. This hat is his favorite. And where is it? What did I do with it? 
So now, I am livid. He is pulling this shit…..the I am going to move slower than a sloth shit……I am boiling. Screaming. 
He finds a hat. Not his favorite but 2nd favorite.
 Wednesday a.m. I run to store to get sugar get home and he is still in bed. See Wednesday is shower day. That was awesome. Screaming. Water every where and how can I be so mean??????
 I get him clean. I thought all was good. All was not good. Omfg where did the hat go? He threw it at the PC last night. It should be on the floor. OMFG I lost it. Like lost it. Stuffed animals flew and T was screaming that I had ‘hurt’ him. The google eyes on his stuffies hurt him. I was seriously pissed.  There was much screaming. Oh holy hell…..I threw it here……you moved it and if not you the cats!! What????? The cats moved your damn hat. So once more there is screaming and yelling and I don’t know who is the loudest….me or him.
More fights. More mom is killing me. Omg she hurt me.I do not deserve this. 
Thursday….Mom……Yes T…..I found my hat…..Really where?…Over here where you looked. I did not look there. You said you threw it over here. You blamed me and my ninja like moves. You accused the cats of moving your hat.  We were totally out to get you.
Sooooooooo…..you tossed your hat….and I am at fault…..oh hell no…..I am calling you out.
Evil mom rides again. Me and the cats…..we deserve an apology. 
 I did not get a sorry. The cats did  not get an apology. However he calmed his shit down.
 Until today (Feb 17/19) Mom did some bad juju. But that is a story for tomorrow.

Splintered

t was another great morning
when I tried to awaken you
for suddenly
out of the stomach grew…..
an ache giving you quite a fright.
Moaning 
groaning 
holding your tummy
you twisted 
pleading 
begging me with teary eyes
to allow you to stay home.
Anger rose within my breast
my teeth grit
this is not first
not even the second
in this impasse.
I yelled.
Well…..
yelling…. 
it was not really yelling
I spoke loudly
harshly
telling you true…..
changes are coming 
you are going to be blue.
As I sit here
thinking
pondering what I have done…..
how I
have become too lenient
so permissive
it pains me to say…..
this mess is of my own making.
As I recall
recollect
words spoken
never to be unsaid
it magnifies
how splintered we are.
January 22/19

Update December 2018

T has gone for a sleepover at his best bud’s place. I decided that I was going to tackle his room. I mean c’mon the smell in that room was a palpabile. Stand at the doorway and you are choking. Yes this is my fault as I allowed it to get this far. But today was ‘D’ Day. I have been warning T that if he did not do something about that room I was going to. So I did. Have to say am right impressed with myself. 48 minutes to clean it, strip the bed, vacuum and voila. Spray a little Febreze and well I can enjoy the illusion for one day that it will not stink of sweaty feet, grungy hair, garbage not strewn all over the floor. Shhhhhhhhhh allow me this please. Just for a moment. 
 
I started a list of things that I found in T’s room while I was cleaning it.
 
1 roll of toilet paper tied up with a yellow rubber band.
2 1/2 full 2lt Pepsi bottles in his bed.
2 pairs (Mr. I have No Socks) of socks and several loose ones. After doing laundry it has been determined that he has approximately 8 pairs of socks. Like seriously?!?
My camera…..in the basket with all his cars. Cause…….movies mom movies.
1/2 of the cutlery I have been looking for
1/3 of the cups/mugs
and last but not least (I am a bit perturbed by this)
a plastic bag containing:
1 sock. 1 only.
Charger Cord
Magnetic Mirror that mechanics use
Tiny screw driver
 
I have to admit that in the grand scheme of things I have been pretty lucky. Yes T is a bit of a pig in a sty. He is getting there though. The other day he brought his cereal bowl out to the kitchen sink and looking over at me says ‘mom I must be growing.’ I am a little confused (he has the same bad habit that I do…..starting up a conversation on a different conversation that may have been 3 days ago but you know we are a little different T and me.)  ‘Meaning?’ ‘Well I brought my dish out of my room and put it into the sink.’ Oh. So you do something I have been nagging you to do for well forever….but now I am suppose to give you kudos for the one time that you brought out that bowl. Dude, I found half my cutlery drawer in your room. Why do you need that much cutlery? Is this a thing that I need to be concerned with? Is that the new initiation? How much cutlery can you hoard before your mom will brave your room? 
 
The beginning of this week was hard on both  of us. Getting use to the rules that differ from mom to dad’s place. Having to once more explain why he has to be off Fortnight at 9 p.m. Again it has gotten better as the week has progressed. Beginning of the week arguments when suddenly…..Wednesday was it? Yes it was. I was in a bad mood in the morning. And T began off with the lip. I was done. LOL I know how many times have you heard me or any parent say that and mean it? Yes there will be times but not when you are 10. We fought. On the way to school he is sitting arms crossed hostile to the end. We are going through the 20 km zone when I hear this pop. I look over at T and asked if he had just farted. Nothing. Than pop pop pop. And he starts to grin. Begins flapping his hands towards me. Where is a gas mask when you need one? I pulled up to the drop off zone (and let me tell you learning how to use the pick up/drop off lane plus the round about has not been easy) he grabs his bag hops out of the car, looks at me and tells me he loves me than slams the car door shut. Really? I was choking, gagging but this may have been the breaking point. 
 
When I told him it was 9 p.m. I expected a fight. No. He told his friend that he had to get off. He is talking to me on the ride home from the Ex’s. Oh yeah neglected to mention that part. I have no babysitter for T after school so I am relying on the Ex to help me out. Now I can return the favor and T will be spending the night here during his dad’s week. We have laughed a lot. Had to explain to T about what tenacious meant. Also how we have to correct the slightest deviation from known facts. Being literal I believe others call it. And than came the weekend. 
 
Friday night we get home. T does what he has to do and goes into his room. Xbox, Fortnight, ya know kid stuff.  I am sitting on the couch t.v. on in the background as I go through my emails. (Tonight is different. Tonight I am listening to my music on shuffle dancing in my seat and writing.) Suddenly I hear T tell his buddy that he is going to go. He wanted to come and hang out with me. Wait? What? I am sorry but who are you and what have you done with my son? I worry about him. Some might say I am overindulgent with him. Permissive. I am working on that. He has not fussed once about the bedtime hours. He has been doing his chores pretty regularly. I mean yes as we drive home I am asking him what he has to do but he is doing them. 
 
My child is so much like me that I hurt for him. He feels things differently. Hoards those thoughts and feelings until something sets it off and suddenly I am the bad guy. I now understand how my mom must of felt when I would go off on her in anger. I am bewildered. Blink rather rapidly as my brain fast forwards to catch up to what he is screaming at me. It is never what he is screaming it is what I have to dig for. Try as I might to not lose my shit I usually do. There are words. There are tears. Than the real talk begins.
 
Last night was not one of the screaming nights. No last night T made me feel short because he can take stuff off the top of the fridge without standing on tip toes. Also on tiptoe is able to reach where the bandaids are. We laughed. Sometimes 10 year old wisdom is so much better than the advice anyone else can give me. He is pretty astute. We had an amazing evening. T made paper airplanes, a ton of them while we chatted and I read emails. Blogs that I follow. It was nice. 
 
Today he is off for sleepover. I cleaned house. And I have written a chatty blog probably terrifying those who only know me through my poetry. Now I am not sure. The night is mine. The only night that is mine lol I will let it play out as it pleases.