Pensive Musings

Not sure what it is that has set me off of late.
Whether it is the colder weather and lack of sunlight or a general malaise of sorts I wish I knew.
I keep track of my moods with Daylio.
An app that counts my sober days (106 days) for me as well.
I have gone from Rad to Good to Ok (still good).
Nothing has changed in my activities.
I just do not know.
Friday began alright.
After my vent fest off to work I went and it was going to be a good day.
Was expecting it to be busy as it was start of weekend.
Was not expecting how busy.
Toodled about my day (I was in the lobby) when one of my regulars comes in.
Asked how she was doing blah blah blah when she asked me if I had heard.
Heard?
480 new cases.
93 in our area.
As of Monday we are in Code Orange.
No real difference to me.
Wear a mask in all indoor public places.
Check.
Do not associate with people outside your family home.
Check.
Limit your shopping trips.
Check.
Things that are not affected or changing
Send child to school.
Check (see Powerful Enemy)
Go to work.
Check.
Smile.
Check.
Provide optimism and cheery outlook.
Check.
I was off yesterday but V was working.
Got a few messages from her.
Front end was getting slammed.
Huge orders.
$500-700 range.
I tentatively offered my services and she relayed the message to my supervisor.
I had immediate buyers remorse.
They never did call me in.
I had a three hour nap.
Oh yes I should of course mention that T is at his bud’s for a sleep over.
Was suppose to be Friday-Saturday but as always with those two it became a whole weekend sleep over.
He is due home today around 12.
Three hour nap.
Obviously I needed it however I did a break down of mood when I woke up.
Was I sleeping to escape or sleeping because I was tired?
I am coming up on my three year anniversary.
Three years ago I broke free from my pill addiction.
Three years ago I faced my demons and I won.
Three years that I have been happy.
Is a subconscious part of me worrying/waiting for this to collapse?
Waiting to see if my depression is lurking closer to the light than I am aware of?
To say I am hypersensitive about this issue is an understatement.
I am a healthy woman.
I am happy.
My son is amazing.
In spite of me?
Because of me?
LOL it is a bit of both.
So why am I feeling this…..melancholy?
That would be the word for it.
A feeling of sadness with no discernible cause.
As with all things I am sure this will pass.
That my mood will elevate back to its regular state of Rad and life will be a bowl of mangoes ripe and ready.
Until then I will go with the flow and accept whatever emotions come over me.
So if you happen to see me crying into my coffee do not worry…..
In 20 minutes I will be smiling.
©Nov. 1/20
Picture is my own

On Display

You tell me that you love me. You tell me that you care. And yet, you stand back a little unnerved by the person that I am.

I state to you that I am in a mood; a mood you ask what does that mean? It means that I am going to be irreverent, flip and with casual disregard, I will ignore you. My sarcasm will have sharp edges, and there are no soft spots to cushion you, only small places you might hide.

I may not be the person that you met, nor the person that you have precieved me to be. I am not all lightness and flowers. There is a dark side to me that you must be willing to embrace.There is a nasty twisted bitch that resides within my soul. She is the blackness that does creep when I start to follow the crazy path to hell.

There are so many facets of me, and not all are defined by the illness I carry. And carry it I do for it is a burden; a yoke around my neck. There is no telling when it will hit. And as I have come to realize, I cannot even count on my own internal diagnosis to counteract the crazy that I become.

And oh hell no is no one going to tell me that I don’t get crazy. Those platitudes do not fly. I look back with clear eyes, mind and heart, and I wonder how do I have a job still? How do my friends still love me? How is it that my brother and mom have not kissed me goodbye? I am so psycho, so unbalanced that I cannot see the sunrise from the sunset.

So as I begin to mend, the medication leveling out my brain, I tease and I taunt. I whiplash you with my tongue to ensure that you can take. And I may find you lacking, I may find that you just to do not stand up to par…..The Crazy, The Me, The Sadness, The Anger, The Regret and all the pain…..they are a part of me here on display.