He believes

Belief: Confidence in someone
T has that in spades for me. Way more than I think that I have in myself and my writing.
Thursday I allowed him to stay home in the morning as we had a dentist appointment at 11:50. His tooth has been bothering him. Every time he laid down to go to bed, during the day, suddenly there would be a sharp pain from his jaw to his ear. I was worried that my insurance was not in place and that I was going to end up paying an arm and a leg, which at this time is not an easy task for me. Bonus, not only was my insurance in place but up to the first $200 was 100% covered and everything after that was 60% off. Well damn but isn’t that awesome. (His two appointments were covered within the $200 limit and a $15 balance yet!)
Thursday was a weird day for me. I spent a lot of time with weepy eyes. At the time, I did not know what it was that was bothering me. I do know now however it is not something I am ready to openly blog about. V told me that having ‘leaky’ days, as she calls them, are perfectly fine to have. Yet my mood had not plummeted. I was still having a good good day. Even with all those tears.
T is a little strange and I say that with absolute pride because so am I. He was pumped that he was going to see the dentist. Quite a change from when he was little. The tooth had previously been filled last year. It had been a deep cavity and T chose to have a silver filling put in. Now though, either the tooth had chipped or part of the filling had come off.  Now as an aside, my mouth is not filled with silver fillings but back in my day (making myself sound as though I am 145) that was the only type of filling we could get. None of this fancy white filling like these young whipper snappers get these days. But white is stronger than silver in the filling wars. When he discovered that he was going to have to come back and get a filling the next day T was super exciting. (No word of a lie when we returned yesterday morning he announced to the office at large how much he loved having his teeth filled. I am still terrified of it.)
A white filling was required as Dr. K had to remove all the old filling and refill. She did not charge me extra for the white one which was yet another bonus. But that was a Friday bonus and I am writing about Thursday. After both appointments T did try his darndest to get me to allow him to stay home using the arguements that a) his jaw may start to hurt in the middle of the afternoon on Thursday and b) the frozen tongue syndrome on Friday. He went to school both days.
I had my revelation as we were talking on the way to school Thursday about why I was weeping. T of course had the answer for me. Just Quit. Don’t do it anymore. I had to explain that it did not quite work that way. That I have responsibilities to fulfill. T was silent for a moment.
‘Mom maybe they will hire you and than you can stay home and write full time.’
I was a little shocked as it seemed like a full change in conversation. And than it dawned on me that he was talking New Reader Magazine where I had submitted my poem.  I laughed a little and explained to him while that would be a dream come true, that that was not how things worked. There was no way that they were going to hire me to write full time. But I lived in that fantasy world for a brief moment.
‘Well mom, than you need to write a long book. One with 25 chapters. You will get published and can stay at home and write.’
I smiled and told T that that was what I was doing with Juliette’s Journey. Working title only. And he nodded and sat back.
I was sitting at home after dropping him off when it struck me how confident T was. He made the announcements, the one about the magazine hiring me and publishing my book, as if they were already done deals. He does not have fears like I do. He does not mistrust the words that I write as I sometimes do. He looked at me and he only saw that I was going to do this. No matter what. And that was when I realized that T really believed in me. He did not even consider that I may fail at writing. He believes in this dream with all his heart.
I realize I have a lot of work to do. I have to live up to his expectations of what I am capable of. And I do not want to let him down. I always tell T that he can do whatever he wants to do. If all I do is talk about my dreams yet never chase them, I am saying one thing while showing him another. And I want him to reach for the moon and stars. I want him to dream big and go for it. He is amazing. He is smart. He is a great looking kid. And I need to be the one to show him how to Jump.

Little Asshole

T came back from his dad’s yesterday evening. 8:23 p.m. Good thing I had gone up to unlock the door already otherwise T would have bounced off it and the banging would begin. He sounds like a herd of elephants passing by when he bangs on that door.
It started off innocently enough. We were chatting. I asked if he had had a good time with his dad and what had they done. What did he have for dinner. Those types of things. He was sitting next to me when I received a pop up notification that I had received a message on Skype. And T caught the name on the notification. And the interrogation begins.
T was 7 when the implosion of my marriage happend. I was not nice. I was not brave enough nor strong enough to tell the Ex that I wanted out of the marriage and to hold firm on it. Instead in my warped way of thinking, I decided I had to do something that would make him hate me. Hating me would mean that he would let go. It was not the smartest nor the right way to do things. I have apologized to him. However T is beginning to ask questions. I am not sure what the Ex has all told him so I am hedging things as he does not need to know the adult issues.
Yesterday T got a little belligerent as he was talking to me. I was trying to explain that no the way that I had ended our marriage had not been the right way. That I no longer loved his dad. That we were both by far happier apart than together. T shut me down after a bit which I was fine with. He was not being his usual self. He was irritable and mouthy. When he went to bed he demanded that I waken him at 5:45 so he could shower. I explained that that was not going to happen as 5-6 a.m. is my time to exercise and get myself ready for the day.
I woke at 4:50 this morning. Than laid there for the full 10 minutes until my alarm went off. I did not want to get up this morning. I am still suffering from the hour jump ahead that occured on the weekend. Pushed myself out of bed and made it! That is right I made my bed as soon as I got out of it. I am sure that mom is having a chuckle right now as she has been trying to get me to make my bed since I was 6. Bathroom. Brush teeth. Read my dream affirmation on the mirror. Stand there with the toothbrush in my hand pointing it at my reflection, specks of toothpaste in the corner of my mouth and hitting the mirror as I say my own affirmations.
Worked out. Worked up a sweat which really pleases me. It means that I am doing the right things. Also I can tell I am getting stronger. Sent the girls their good morning gifs. I was rocking my morning. And it was not even 6 a.m. yet.
After my shower I went in and woke T up. 6 a.m. on the nose as we had discussed the night before when he went to bed. Well I am not sure what happened but the beast that appeared last week, the one that I said was becoming rare, had returned once more. Standing in front of his closet, kicking the box, slamming the hangers around. He cannot find his pants. It was my fault as I had hung them up. I personally was flabbergasted because I knew that we had hung 4 pairs of sweats up last week. He had been for a sleepover all weekend and picked up on Sunday so  he had the same bloody clothes on.
I got frustrated. I did not yell but my voice did become a little louder. I walked into the room and looked behind the jacket and low and behold what do I find? But the 2 hangers holding a total of four pairs of sweats. Now I am frustrated. T has been telling me off because I did not wake him up when he wanted to get up. He had no clothing. I stomped into the bathroom and turned the shower off. Told him that he could turn his own shower on and I was not talking to him any longer. I closed my bedroom door and took several deep breaths.
After showering he was still in a foul mood. Water was discovered all over the bathroom floor which I wanted cleaned up. T got more mouthy and I snapped. No Youtube. What was wrong with him? I was not going to put up with this attitude. All I wanted was for him to realize that the shower curtain needs to be tucked into the bathtub so water does not get on the floor. Take responsibility and please clean the water up.
When I came out from cleaning the water up I was still stewing. T was sitting on the couch and he was crying. I stood looking at him trying to fathom what was going on. I even kept asking over and over what the problem was. T told me at one point that I was yelling. I explained that I was not yelling that I was speaking sternly to him. That there were repercussions for his acting this way. He looked at me and told me that I was ruining his happiness.
This was not my boy. This was not the child who left here on Sunday. I sat on the floor and wiped the tears from his eyes. I told him that I was not responsible for his happiness. That yes there were things that I could do to help him, but he had to find his own happiness. I could not do that for him. It took me how many years to realize true happiness. I am talking about the happiness that imbibes your days with good thoughts and feelings. Where you can see the good rather than the bad. I told T that he needed to learn this now because I did not want him to be 45 years old before he found his true happiness.
As I was explaining this to him I was crying as well. My heart hurts because I know that T is hurting. I know that this acting out has something to do with the passed two days of his not being with me. I forgot you see, how T is when exposed to his dad for an extended time period. I do not want to be one of those ex’s who tears the father of their child down but I am so frustrated. I would love though to be a fly on the wall when T was there so I could see and hear what was going on. Because I have to tell you, having the beast return is not a fun thing.
Despite all signs to the contrary, with tears in my eyes, I told T that I was happy. That we had a life together. A routine. I want him to be happy.
Now he is sitting on the couch watching t.v.  I know. I said no Youtube and yet here we are. I also know that when T acts like this that it is not me. This is not an indication that I am doing anything wrong. I am not failing as a parent.
T and me have been talking. And he tells me about all the plans that he and his dad have for the summer. The Ex also text to let me know he was off Friday so he would take T. An extra day together. Today T informs me that his friend is coming over Friday. I became a little annoyed. I did what I should not have done. I said that I had thought that the reason his dad was taking Friday off was to spend extra time with T. I was assured that they would be.
I need to prepare myself now. As I was typing this I suddenly realized what was going on. T had expectations/ideas of what spending the time with his dad would mean. More time hanging out together. Reality is something very different. So when T comes back to me he is billigerant  and upset because things have not gone to plan. Hmmmmmm I wonder where that trait comes from. And than we have to have a melt down. It is almost as though T is pushing my buttons to see if he can set me off. Wonder if he thinks that if I get angry that it means I care more?
At 9 T is begining to understand that there are disappointments that occur in life. Things are not always going to be the same all the time. But there is a time when things do need to be the same all the time, to be consistent, and that is being there for your child. For standing next to them even when they do not want you to. It took me a long time to realize that as well. Lately I have been having flashbacks to when I was drinking and how I treated T. I am going to have to deal with that eventually.
What I do for now, is provide him with the consitency that he craves. I will follow through when I tell him that we are going to do something or go somewhere. I will be his mom. Not his friend, his mom. We have time enough to be friends when he is older. For now he needs a mom to love and guide him. To provide boundaries while still allowing him to grow and learn. And to call him out when he acts like a little asshole. 😉