Good Bye Baby

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Screaming. In my head. My voice.
How the fuck could I have done this? I have no recollection. Suddenly people were screaming at me to stop and the baby was missing…..I only had a couple oh my god what have I done?
They are going to take her from me. I know it. I did not mean to do it. I put down the car seat put the beer on the backseat heard something turned away and……oh my god how could I have forgotten that I  had put her down on the pavement. Tears fill my eyes. How am I going to live with myself? I nearly please let it only be nearly killed my beautiful baby girl. Fuck……
They think that I don’t see I don’t hear them whispering. Cunt mother drunk drugged up forgot her baby girl was in the car seat behind her vehicle. Thank goodness the stupid bitch was so hammered she didn’t hurt the baby at all. Voices ripping into me. Eyes slashing daggers pull into myself there will never be enough rage throughout the world scourging me as I scourge myself. Rub raw bleeding wounds oh god I cannot believe that I have done this.
Don’t take her from me please. Wrists now bound. Screams baby wanting her mother I try so hard to be good but it is not easy. They all know I am going to fail they tell me so. Maybe it is better this way……
Time to say good bye. Heart breaking watch parents carry her away at least family will have her I will not be a total stranger papers in front of me signed. Lean head back tears slip slowly from lidded eyes pain so intense I feel nothing.
Late last evening the body of 29 year old Laverna Moore was found in the back of Shamrock’s Bar. Police have given a preliminary cause of death as accidental overdose. Most of our viewers will remember Laverna from last month when she nearly drove over her daughter while high……In other news……
Jan. 12/20
Picture via Pinterest

Runaway

She sat lank hair falling into her face smelling of body odor and cigarette smoke. All she wanted to do was go home. She was so tired. She wanted a shower. She wanted her life to return to her. She did not like the person inside of her. Raging black beast with fear as a companion. She watched as other social workers left and still her mom did not arrive. When finally mom did she could not look at her. Did not want to see the anger. The disappointment that surely was etched in deep lines across her mom’s pursed lips. A single tear fell a small bit of moisture she rubbed into her jeans.
When had her life become so shit? No matter how hard she tried to remember there seemed to be no defining moment. No time she could put her finger to calendar and exclaim ‘aha it was June 3 1986 at three p.m. that my life turned to shit.’ Wishful thinking. There was nothing. One day there was this sense of dread deep within. A horror. A need to not be awake. Not alive. It was becoming overwhelming. It was just so much easier to ignore the warning signs that were knocking at the door. Had been knocking for awhile.
How could she explain? How could she tell her mom the horror she found herself in. A part played and played well. Once she mentioned something but when questions arose buried her face in a book easy escape.
That sense of horror. It builds and builds exploding with vicious words. Tried to banish the darkening thoughts in her mind by writing them out. Death was her constant companion. Her constant desire. Need. However blessed or cursed with an imagination that defied her…..she had been able to imagine herself in a coffin while her mother and sister looked down at her. The abject sorrow upon their faces and whispered ‘whys?’ were enough to convince her to write out her deadly dreams. And truth be told, it hurt like a son of a bitch and pain was not something she could handle.
She watched the second hand sweep around the clock. Saw the minute hand tick off each 60 second. 15 minutes passed before her mom appeared before her. Looking up all she saw was anger. Sever disappointment etched deep lines around pursed lips. There was no love. No sympathy. Seen through the eyes of a child long feeling forgotten.
‘I do not want to do this. You have left me with no choice. As of now…..I am giving up custody of you for a year.’
Shocked all she could do was stare at her mom. This was not happening. It could not be happening. Her mom leaving her behind. Once more she had sought safety, had reached out to be rebuffed. Tears filled her grey eyes, threatening to overflow as she reached out to her mom. Voice lost in the thickness of pain…..of rejection…..of love and need.
‘Mom please. I will be good. I promise. Please don’t leave me.’
Her mom walked out the door. As it closed behind her she leaned against the wall, hand to mouth to muffle the scream of pain that was trying to erupt. Never had she felt so useless as a mother. So incapable of caring for this child of hers. Long passed the time of hugs and kisses to skinned knees. Walking away shakily this was a defining moment. Scored in pain.
Jan. 2/20

Coffee Time

So today was absolutely amazing. I mean yeah we had a little bit of yelling given that my idea of clean and T’s is totally different. He cried. We did it together. Let me back track for you a bit. (Nothing like acting as thought we were all just having coffee and I am picking up in the middle of the story.)

Today was the start of my 5 day holiday. I took today as my day off and tomorrow as a holiday day. I could sleep in. Instead I was awake at 5 a.m.  Yes you saw that right. I laid in bed scrolling Facebook wondering if I should go exercise. Well I was exercising by 5:30 a.m.  Threw a load of laundry in and sat down to read emails and coffee. Put clothes in dryer and discovered that it was broken. The high pitched whining shriek was horrific. Chatted with a friend.  Read emails. Drank coffee.

7:30 a.m. I waken T and force him to come into the living room. I tempted him with a cup of coffee and he curled up on the couch. We talked about his Wonder questions. He is fascinated with WW II so that is what he was researching. Discovered that he writes one long sentence. Like when I say one long sentence what I mean is that I was able to make 10 shorter sentences but was told by T that this was not acceptable if the sentence is not really long it is not a sentence. See what I did there? We brainstormed ideas and yes I admit that I helped him but it was all him and his writing. Which you know mom was doing her best to just let it go…….Finished and submitted 45 minutes before the time I had told his teacher.

Just after 9 a.m. I call the rental agency regarding the shrieking dryer. Arranged to have repair place call me. Off T and me went to the bank. On Sunday we walked to the bank to deposit $25 dollars into my account so that T could make some Fortnite purchases. The atm proceeded to tell us that it could not read one bill and deposited the $20. Did not give us back the $5.00. I am quite unsure why I was asked over and over if I had gotten the $5 back. Um hi over here I am coming in to ask you to investigate this but yes I got my $5 back. Seriously. Also when I called on Monday I talked to a guy did not catch his name and he is the one who told me to come in and start the investigation. I mentioned this and the CS manager asked who and I responded with some guy. Snarkily under her breath she mutters ‘of course’ hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Off we go to gas up the car and wash it. Finally. Told T whatever was left over of the $10 I had to wash car with would be his. Home and now we are all caught up and we will fast forward to the crying and yelling. Yes we both have different ideas (until we began cleaning room but wait……) I mean I told him to pick up all the garbage and he goes ‘I did”. What do you mean you did? I can see no less than 10 pieces of garbage still on the floor. So a bargain is made. I help T clean his room and he will help me clean the rest of the apartment.

Went through T’s closet. Discovered that the vacuum had been clogged and that is why it was not sucking anything up. Unstuck it. Cleaned. Next thing I know he is gone. Walk into the living room and the kid is sitting on the couch foot on his knee sawing away at his toe nail. Does not want to get an ingrown one. Finished cleaning his room which he now loves by the way and we set up the new bed frame. The Ex text to say he was ready to meet us at Wal-Mart to pick up the mattress. Turns out I could have picked up the bed frame and mattress in the car. Mattress was shipped rolled up. Super cool. And mom rocks the win. Not only reasonably priced but I got free shipping!

Now I turn my attention to the rest of the apartment. My helper once more conveniently disappears. Oh well. Oh and I am still waiting for the repair guy. I start in on the bathroom and ask T to watch/listen for the repair man as I was cleaning/rinsing bathtub and could not hear over the water. 3:25 the repair guy shows up. Easy fix a new bearing was required. Told me that for someone who had been in the apartment for 3 years it was super clean. He goes into a lot and apparently I maintain everything well. Awesome. I think?

Finish cleaning the apartment and wash the floors. Decided that while I was still standing would shower so I did. Sat on couch. Am now so exhausted am not sure what I am going to do. Or how I am going to get to bed. I do not think that I can walk.

I started off that this was an amazing day and it was. I spent the day with T. This kid is hilarious. I cannot make up the stuff that comes out of his mouth.

Me: T you know what we have why are you in the fridge again? (this is the 8th time he has opened the fridge door in 5 minutes.)

T: I’m a kid mom that is just the way I roll.

Are you kidding me?

One last one Tism to share.

Driving T to school and there is an elderly gentleman in shorts and a loose button up shirt watering his boulevard. I made a comment about it not being that warm to be out doing this. T asks what he is doing. I explain and yes I was stereotyping that he was probably retired. This is the conversation that followed.

T: Retired? He looked like he was only 20.

Me: Um yeah no he was mid 60’s at least.

T: Wow he must be living the dream huh mom?

Good night folks I will leave it there. T and me will be around all week, heck all year if you like.

****Picture is the bed frame and mattress. I took it. T loves it. He has not moved since I set it up.****

 

I Dare You!

This morning started off great. T and me were getting along. I had a great poem for Word of the Day Challenge. Granted it was a poem that I wrote in December but I was able to rework it to include today’s word instigate.  T was happy but around the corner lurked sloth and surly boy. Oh man was the drive to school fun. 
Had asked him to feed the cats. Came back from starting car and found cat food all over the floor. Triggered the omg are you serious reaction. T could not fathom why I was so irate. His response ‘just leave it mom the cats will eat it.’ Seriously child! I cleaned the apartment yesterday I am not leaving cat food all over the floor.
Next came the sweater fiasco. Ten minutes it took sloth boy ten minutes to locate and shove said sweater into his backpack. When I told him for what felt like the hundredth time to get moving he yells at me ‘I am doing my best! Have you never heard of doing one’s best?’
T stomps up the stairs muttering and me I state how I am the world’s worst mother ever. Of course I was challenged and told that never was I mean. Oh that tune was about to change and quickly.
As we are driving through the Co-op parking lot I thanked T for listening to me and not attempting to take his Xbox with him. Well now, I should have said nothing because what came next is so dramatic. T begins to cry. (Well fake cry) I begin to explain again about consequences for his actions. His attitude needs to change and fast. Back and forth we go until we get to the point where I am now a very mean mom. How could I do this to him? Why could he not just be happy? Why did I have to ruin his life? And again why could he not be allowed to be happy??
When I reminded him there was no gaming either with friends well I might as well have told him….whatever I said would have had no larger impact than him finding out he is not going to be allowed on-line to play games with his friends this weekend. 
So attitude began to pour out of him and I said to T that if this kept up I was going to take the Xbox away and there would be no gaming with his friends for a whole month. 
‘I dare you’ T screams at me.
‘You dare me? Keep this shit up kid and you will see what I dare to do.’
‘Well than there is no godda-darn way I am going to spend the month with you. I am going to go and stay at dad’s.’
I laughed. I realize not the best response but seriously? 
‘Okay dude you ask your dad if you can stay with him for a month because mom is so mean that she took my Xbox away for a month. Ask him and let me know what he says please.’
Oh if looks could kill. 
I pull up to the school and look at T.
‘Have a good day buddy.’
‘I am not getting out of the car.’
‘Well you kind of have to, I need to get to work.’
‘i am not getting out of the car.’
‘Get out of the car now!’
Thankfully he listened. I was trying to figure out how I was going to get him out of the car. It wasn’t like I could pull him out. He is a solid kid.  He slammed the door shut. Slammed and did not look back or wave to me as he walked into the school.
When I got to work I was telling my supervisor about it and I had tears because I was laughing so hard. Than she pointed out to me what could he do because he spends the nights here during the week he is at his dad’s. Which sent me into another burst of laughter.
Fast forward to when T gets dropped off at 9:30. He comes in and is all cheerful and telling me how he is legally blind. I did not get it. I still don’t. It has something to do with Youtube. 
I got the full rundown of the school day. His fort had been broken. He had a math test he is positive he failed. He has to be finished his book by Friday. I asked where the homework was and he grins telling me they did no ‘paper’ work while he was home sick.
Finally he winds down and is wandering around the kitchen. Being the mean mom that I am I had to ask if T had asked his dad if he could stay there for a month. Obvious answer being no. He straightens up looks over at me and says: ‘Mom I am sorry for this morning. I know that it is late but I am sorry.’
I thanked him and told him that I really appreciated him saying that.
T had complained that there was nothing to do at his dad’s without the Xbox. I told him he could spend time with his dad. Well dad is always in shop. Than go out there!!!! And he did. He spent the evening in the shop with his day. Helped him with some work. 
I am hoping that we will go forward and sloth and surly boy will remain totally out of the picture. I am not deluded though, I know that they will return. As I am sitting here typing all of a sudden T starts yelling: ‘Mom……mom……mom…..moooooooooom’
‘What?’
‘I love you.’
There is nothing left to say. 
 
January 23/19