Parent=Antithesis of Cool

***Picture is mine taken Aug. 19/17 my bro and nephews.***

There is literally only one thing that any older sibling wants to do in their lifetime. And that is to crush an illusion that a younger sibling holds so that they are unable to ever hold onto it again. Last night I got to do just that with my baby bro. With the help of his children.  Apparently he has been suffering under the delusion that he is cool.

You read that right.

My 38 year old brother, father of 3 teenagers, believed he was cool. You will notice the past tense I am using.

Myself, my nephews and my niece, disabused him of that notion.

The conversation started off innocently enough. He had been texting me while I was at work and once I got home and settled we continued to talk. He was having a great evening with his therapist Wayne. Wayne Gretzky that is. Apparently the great one makes rye. Who knew?

First he thought that he could trick me. We were having a conversation about spelling. He told me he was a great speller. I informed him that auto-correct does not count towards his ability to spell. D than said to me ‘go ahead, give me any word and I can spell it correctly.’

At some point time in his life, D fell under the belief that he could trick me. Thus far, I have a score of about 1000 to his 0. My response, ‘dude if I give you the word it will already be spelled correctly and you will just copy it.’

I am sure he was sitting in the corner of his couch chortling away, thinking that he had finally caught me out.

Than he did something that drives me absolutely nuts. He began to shorten words and misspell them. When you are a writer that is enough to drive the knife in and twist it. I finally corrected his spelling and was informed that this is a new thing that the kids are doing these days. Shortening words. Cool lingo.

As far as I am concerned they just look illiterate.

I love my niece and nephews. I love my son. But they are kids. And kids are assholes. They think that they know everything and anything. I know this because I once was a kid. I was the biggest asshole around.

When I informed my bro of the fact that he just looked illiterate, he laughed and said ‘doesn’t matter I am still cool.’ I nearly fell off the couch I was laughing so hard. It is a good thing that I can type through tears because they were threatening to fall as I howled.

I made him ask his children if they thought he was cool. I also let him know that if they did say he was cool, they were liars. ‘You are a parent. You are the antithesis of cool.’

D asked. His children broke his heart. At 38 years of age, D must finally reconcile the facts. He is no longer cool. His children and me, we are cruel creatures he informed me. Crushing his dreams. All I could get out of him was that the kids told him ‘dad is not cool.’

It had to be done. D could not be allowed to suffer under this delusion any longer. After crushing his coolness dream, we discussed our weirdness. And how that is just who we were. And how it is kinda cool to be weird. But the kids cannot see that because to them normal is ‘cool.’

So with our weird freaks flying free D and me, we are cool. It is the kids that are not.

 

 

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Why you won’t want to date me

What one can expect to find if they continue after reading and understanding the rules:

My heart enclosed. The gates locked. Bridge is up and the moat is full. With vicious crocodiles. And piranhas.

As I sit here, pouting like a petulant toddler who’s discovered she has to share her candy, I realize how hard I am to please. I have always been the caretaker. That role, after doing it for years becomes exhaustive.

Every single relationship I have been in I end up being in total control. I am the one making all the plans, paying all the bills and ensuring that life continues along tickety-boo. And now I have independence and the only ones I need to worry about are T and myself.

So I have come up with 10 things I need to warn the opposite sex of. About me. And my requirements. For my non- relationship. With a man who can take care of himself.

1) I do not want a relationship. However I do not want to share you. So get use to it.

2) I want a text. Not a thousand times a day but a good morning, a hey in the afternoon and a good night. So I know I have flitted across your mind.

4) I want to hang out with you. But I don’t. So just sit there until you figure it out. I will continue to read my Kindle.

5) I want to talk to you. Sometimes I will actually want you to participate in the conversation. Wait for the extended pause and dive in there.

6) I am a little bit crazy. But just a little bit, most of my friends will tell you it is barely noticeable.

7) I have anxiety attacks. There is no rhyme or reason they strike from no where. Just talk to me calmly about anything so I can focus and ask you questions.

8) I am not certain I want overnight company. I now sleep diagonally across my king size bed. Debating if I want to share.

9) I live with depression. That means some days I am sad. There is nothing you can do about it. Give me a hug and kiss and I will be okay. Some cuddles are nice too.

10) I am extremely emotional. I cry at commercials. I get mad at stupid stuff. I feel things very differently.

Truthfully, I am forwarning most men.  I am a weird woman. I want my independence. I want to be taken care of. I want to be respected.

T and me had a conversation recently. He wanted to know when I was going to get a boyfriend. I phfft’d and said I did not need a boyfriend.That I was more than capable of doing what was needed. He looked at me and asked ‘ you just needed one to help you put together my bed, right mom?’  (I so could have put his bed together but a friend with a drill is much more helpful)

It is a Conspiracy

M and me we text each other a lot. One full day of messages cannot be stored and I have the capacity to store 500 messages before they start to delete. Maybe we are a little excessive but our shifts are all over the place and some weeks we can go without laying eyes on one another at all. Despite the fact that we live right next door to one another.

Last week M was having issues with her phone. Not that she doesn’t always have issues with her phone but last week it seemed that her phone was really out to get her. Not receiving messages until hours later. And than just for the hell of it my phone decided to jump in on the fun of screwing with M.

My original text was at 8:03 a.m. M responded at 8:49

‘Stupid phone! I am just getting your messages and you sent them hours ago!’

‘I sent that message at 21st.’

‘What? The 21st today is the 23rd!’

Now I am starting to giggle. Sitting in my car in the parking lot at work.

‘No, I sent it at 8:03 this morning. My phone is just ducking with you!’

‘Wait I mean fucking lmao.’

‘What the hell is going on here? Our conversations never make any sense!’

‘Not to anyone else but they do to us.’

By this time, I am weeping I was laughing so hard. And that was when I posed the question: Do you think that it is an electronic conspiracy between our phones to ensure that we look as dumb as possible?

Believe me, my phone has it in for me. When my keyboard use to be set for english/french spelling, I would often send out half english and half french messages that made absolutely no sense. One friend I text, my text read that I had give our boss a disease. Obviously so untrue. Another time, M got a text about gold and cats. So I am certain that my phone loves to embarrass me. I discovered that I could turn off the french on the keyboard and just have english but that has not solved the problem of random corrections or anticipation of what I am writing.

Last night it all came home for me that my phone may have a warped sense of humor like I do. I was typing in ‘we were’ to M and it changed the whole sentence to ‘We are evil’. We are evil, that is what my phone thinks. After that, I decided that my phone was just being mean, and put it to bed.

There is nothing better than autocorrect/auto fill in when you are in a hurry. Unless your phone has its own personality and likes to screw with you. Like mine and M’s do. However this is okay, because it means that our days are filled with a lot of huh? what was that? and laughter which everyone needs anyways. The laughter part, not the evil intents of the phone to make us look like the village idiots that we are.