Pull the Trigger

Countless times
the image has played over
over and over
in your cluttered mind.
Silent
with sound
black and white
in color
violence the only stable factor.
Cringing
cowering in fear
waiting for the blows
vicious words
until suddenly you can take no more.
He never thought you meant it
he thought you would crash again
begging for forgiveness
for imagined wrongs in his perfect world.
Tiny
deadly
slipped into your hand
lending you a bravado you did not feel
you leveled the gun at his laughing face
and pulled the trigger.
August 24/15
Photo by Sofia Sforza on Unsplash

My Best

Picture via Facebook. Created by @treeowl

I am at my best. Every time I push myself to write. Every time I have an idea. I no longer strive for perfection. I am happy how I am. I will grow and evolve but always as I do I will be doing my best.
“I am a woman with dreams that I am finally ready to persue. I am beginning to think that this is my evolution and I am awakening from hibernation.”
I wrote both of those statements yesterday in regards to myself. I was having a conversation with a friend at the time. And after I made both of these, I had a profound sense of relief. That another piece of the puzzle has slide into place.
Recently when asked to do something, my response has been ‘I will do my best.’ Prior to this, I would take on more and more work or tasks pushing myself beyond the limits that I impose on others so as to not overwork and burn them out. But not Jay. Jay is Superwoman and she can go for years on empty with a false smile on her face. (Yes I realize that I wrote about myself in the 3rd person but I have found another topic for myself to ponder) I do have limits though. I may crash through all the barriers before I come to the firey crash but it will end. And away I go down a road of disrepute.
Back to my best. My best is going to have to be good enough. For those who are use to me going above and beyond, well they are going to have to get use to this me. The me who is not going to keep her fingers on all the pulses. The me who is going to live life and work her job. Not work her life and live her job. The me who is right here, happy and well along the way to healthy. Both physically and mentally.
When the statement ‘I cannot wait to see you at your best’ was made to me, I did not even hesitate to think before shooting back the above response. What do you mean see me at my best? I am at my best. I give my all and if that falls short for you, well my friend I guess you are missing out on this me and you are looking for a me that does not exist. Now I know that he did not mean anything rude by his statement and I did not take it as such.
Yet again it made me think about how I have been in the past. Previously if this comment was made to me, I would have gone into a tailspin. To me that would have meant that I was failing at something and I needed to shore up the defences. I would panic and force myself to work hard, push more. For what? To fall apart when I cannot meet that ideal I have created for myself. No one else did this, this is a reaction that I have built into me. Oh wait, yes someone did help to create this mess but I am already leaving it behind me.
As for my dreams. What do I dream of? I dream of writing every single day. And I do. I dream that I will win the lottery. Haven’t yet but I keep on buying and dreaming. I dream of what T and me are going to do this summer. I dream of romantic dinners and walks under the moon. Ha, that one is a dream dream. I dream.
These are not the dreams I allowed myself before. Before it was all about ensuring that I had my head on straight. Took care of the bills the rent the loan putting food on the table. I was the responsible one at all times. This is not to say that I am going to ditch my responsibilities and run off to live on a beach somewhere (however we will add that to the romance and winning lottery dream) but I am reprioritizing. My dreams are very important. Never again am I going to stifle, deny myself the dreams that I have.
I am shaking the dust off my wings and I am going to soar higher than I have ever been. 🙂

7.5=Perfection for Me

This morning as I am sitting here reviewing my week, I am proud of myself. I am also cautiously optimistic. I have now had 4 days of being good. As in my mood has been elevated. I have felt good. I have been laughing. And well I am doing things. I have cleaned the apartment 3 weeks in a row. 3 weeks I say that is amazing.
I had the music blaring, well not blaring because I have neighbors, but it was loudish. Have I mentioned that I downloaded Spotify to the Xbox so I can play it out of the t.v.? Oh yeah. Only issue I have is that it doesn’t pick up where I left off when I close it down. It does on the computer but that is life right? So I was dancing around the apartment, singing to myself having a great time. I opened the blinds all the way and sunlight was streaming in. My beautiful babies were thrilled to feel the sunlight on their leaves.
I threw the blankets in the dryer and figured that I would jump in the shower before doing the last load of laundry. And I mean the last load. I have been doing laundry almost every day this week so I was pretty much done. I only had the floors left to wash when out of the corner of my eye espied the laundry basket and thought to myself ‘Oh yeah I need to put that load in.’
Laundry is going and I am filling the sink so I can wash the floors when it suddenly hits me. The reason I had not thrown the last load in was so I could shower. And I had done a hot wash on the blankets and now a warm wash with this last load. Smacked myself in the head and laughed. Seriously only I would do this. Washed the floors and sat down. The apartment smelled nice and fresh. My laundry was about finished. The bed was made. It was awesome.
Also, there have been multiple outings. Monday I only went next door to the gas station but as it had been a ‘down’ day this was big. Tuesday I made myself go into work for some groceries. And I talked to fellow co-workers. On my own. Wednesday was ‘Meet the Psychiatrist’ day. I did really well, not bursting into tears or anything, but once I was in the car I burst into tears. Sobbed all the way home.
Thursday was a good day. Friday after dropping T off at school I went to work to get a few items for myself and for the school week. I only had a few twinges and did not have to give myself a pep talk to go in.
Friday V and her son came for coffee. Well as he is 3, he had a juice box. It was so much fun. We laughed and talked. Her son finally warmed up to me and even sat on my lap for a while. When he wanted my attention he shouted ‘auntie, auntie’ until I responded. And when they left I did not feel tired. I was energized.
So as I sat here yesterday, realizing that I needed a few things, I figured I would shoot Auntie K a text and see if she was up to an outing. And she was. I did have a mission. I was on the hunt for my Sandalwood incense. Not sure if everyone is aware of my obsession for Sandalwood scent. I love it. And was most dismayed that Wal mart was no longer carrying them. And all my other go to places were no longer selling them I was devestated.
Decided that I wanted to check Only Deals and see if they might have them. OMG I was so thrilled they had them. And lots of them. Despite them being $2.99 + tax I bought 4 packages. As an aside when I got home I lit three of them and had them in their holders before I even had taken my jacket off. Than we went off to Red Apple where well not as discounted as they say. Needed laundry pods but I only use Sunlight. So we went off to Canadian Tire who does not carry Sunlight laundry pods which entailed a visit to Wal-mart.
We meandered. And dreamed. Looked at the summer patio furniture. Talked and laughed. Did I buy a few things that maybe I should not have. Weekly deep treatment for frizzy hair. Which I have in spades. The small package of powdered donuts, again maybe not necessary but damn they were good. The entire package was eaten. Did I maybe spend a little more than I should, yes. Was it a great afternoon of fun with Auntie K? Damn right it was.
I had a great idea for a short story on my way home. Have written only the first line but it is percolating.
I also have had a realization.
I am not going to worry about what ifs. As in what if I have good mood for a week but than have a not good day. What if I have a couple of consecutive not good days? It is alright. The amount of time that I spend in the not good days, is becoming less. I am getting stronger. And while I do not wallow, as long as I do the small tasks that I set for myself to achieve every day, I feel accomplished and let the emotions ride. I am going to enjoy the mood I am in right now, enjoy this moment.
I still have not been able to read. The day will come when I can. Until than, I am not going to worry about it.
I am extremely proud of what I have done this week. I cared for myself. I was able to deal with a difficult situation, that is, talking about myself, without falling apart. All in all, I would give this week a solid 7.5 and that is perfect for me. 🙂