Power Returned

***Picture is my own***

Well now this is a bit of a longer whisp of thought but only that I need to write the set up.

Tember was at his dad’s for Monday night and would be dropped off at home Tuesday afternoon for Christmas Eve. Which meant I could lounge around as my shift did not start until 10 a.m. on the 24th. It was not too cold so I did not need to go out early to start the car.

9:35 a.m. I got bundled up headed out the door and pull the car key from my pocket. Only to realize that it is shorter. Significantly shorter. I stared at it stupidly for a moment as I tried to figure out if it was always this short and I was a moron or had it broken.

Tried it on the car door. Nope not working. Called the ex’s home phone. No answer. Called the ex’s cell. No answer. Call work. Panicked. Nearly in tears. OMG I am going to be late for work. Called my boss hoping to catch her so she could pick me up. The one time she forgets her phone at home. Called P one of my besties and fearing I had woke her up hesitantly asked if she could come and give me a ride to work. She could.

I came back in the apartment. Called work. I am trying to figure out how to get home after work. How do I get to work on the 26th? I am on holidays next week so could deal with it then. I text the ex and let him know what had happened. I was at a loss.

As I climbed the stairs to wait for P tears in my eyes I stopped suddenly. What the hell?

‘Jay,’ I said to myself a little sternly, ‘this is something that is completely out of your control. You did not make the key snap. You did not do any of this. So why are you getting so worked up? There is nothing you can do right now so calm down.’

And like that I did. My heart settled and I no longer felt as though on the verge of a panic attack. I felt so powerful taking back my ability to control myself and my emotions. I did not lose it as I would have before. Cursing and angry. I realized that I was not going to allow this small thing to derail my day.

Off I went to work and used the story as a part of my day. Got the name of a locksmith. Ex came and got my keys. He was going to see what he could do for me. Had a great day at work. And it became even better when ex messaged to say that keys were cut and he would leave them with Tember when he dropped him off. I was ecstatic. And to top it off the ex wished me a Merry Christmas. The keys were my gift.

Two years ago…….a year ago……six months ago……I would have let the whole key situation bother me. I would have been down all day. How could this happen? And at Christmas? Not this time. This time I chose to not allow it to dictate my day.

There is a power in this. I have had another step forward in my personal growth. This is not to say that I am never going to get upset again…..and lose my temper over something so trivial……however if I continue to catch these small things and correct them…..learn from them…..I evolve more and more into the glorious woman I be.

Dec. 26/19

P.S. To top it off I went to lock the apartment door only to have my door key nearly snap off. Thank goodness I can use Tember’s. Never rains but pours……And I am still smiling. 🙂

Word of the Day Challenge #45-Untitled Poem

Dressed in black
head to toe
blending with the shadows
moving with stealth
light on the feet
hide quick
here comes the guard!
Shuffle along endless corridors
never finding an end
a door that will open
letting in light
chasing away the nightmare
that this life has become.
Bended knee
all hail the three headed king
who cannot
should not
have a chance to speak.
Someone…..
Anyone…..
cut off their heads.
Hydras are feared
created
should three heads become six
well shit
may as well admit
it is all undone.
Bidden
you do not understand the mission
scout you shall
plan we will…..
Lop off its heads…..
Kill the beast…..
Let real men arise
with answers…..
fix the problems
the red beast derived.
For Freedom.
For Self Respect.
For Truth.
Give unto the people
their power
fear the scourge they shall begin.
©July 23/19
Picture via Pinterest

Powerless No More

We sat beneath summer skies
relaxed
when you began to spin.
I was not open enough.
I only gave hints
otherwise
I hid it all away.
My past is ugly
my scars
braided across my wrist
soul hammered
beaten
cross to bear
but you promised.
‘Talk to me.
Tell me true.
I swear to you…..
I will not leave…..
I will not let you down
like others before me.
I opened up
telling you the horrors
the fears
the pain
how everyone always walk away.
You vowed you were not the same.
I was a fool.
I believed your pretty words.
I should have known…..
When it sounds too good to be true…..
it is too good to be true.
You duped me.
You pulled me in.
You are a fucking ass.
Yet under my skin
you remain
an ache that won’t subside.
Some days I still love you.
Other days I hate.
Satin tears
drowning my cheeks
you call me a fool
a puppy
a sulking bitch
how could I do this to you?
How could I do what?
Feel?
Open?
Believe the words you have spoken?
Shred my heart
stomp on my reserves
this baby girl
is no longer on her knees.
I am taking my power back.
January 19/19
Photo by Josh Rocklage on Unsplash

Subvert

**I submitted two poems to The New Yorker. This is one of the two. I obviously was rejected but I can say with pride I was rejected by The New Yorker.***
There is an evil rot within
leaching from the heart
any illusion
that there remains some good.
Time and time again
it has been proven
that society has become doomed
trading away
ethics
morals
basic humanity.
Twisting and subverting
with each falsehood told
embraced
with zeal
religious fevor
becoming the very demon
decried as the enemy.
We have failed.
We have lost our way.
One by one
we have been corrupted
by lies
by slight of hand
and the tears that are wept
fall between the cracks
in this desert land.
©Feb. 23/18
Photo by Jason Leung on Unsplash

Never Free

There are these thoughts

thoughts that float around

I have no control over them

I have no ability to chase them away

I am held captive

in my own head.

These voices are vicious

once talons have hooked my soul

they come for me

telling me

I have no worth

I have no power

I have no chance

I have nothing.

Striving to return to sanity

to blanket

to silence

the voices in my head

resigned acceptance

they will only retreat

returning always

chiseling away at fragile ego

I shall never be free.

 

 

Blighted

Blackness roils across the land

encompassing fields and crops

a blight unlike any before seen

man made and let loose.

Flesh falls from bones

flashes of shadows burst free

death comes to all who are near

without playing favorites

without discerning wealth.

Never would you think so cruel

that the riches already had

are not enough

that they would make you forfeit your lands.

No longer are monies counted

abundant…..

enough…..

a body count

ferocious rage

decimating all

is the new measure of power.

 

 

 

History Repeats

Pails of gold

filled with

silver of the sheep

counted with

fingers tinted green

with greed

with madness.

Voices raised

passion made

‘hear me and obey’

struggling out

from heavy hand

roaring with rage.

Emphatically

denounce the tyrants

fists raised

statements made

never to be blind again.

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash