Decision

Memories
flood
all I have left
better times
not laced with tears
fears
deception.
I still want you.
I miss you.
I know my worth.
Yet you…
you bring me to my knees.
I would do anything
to feel your lips
your arms
your body pressed to mine.
Friends
stare
incredulous
what the hell?
How can I forget?
How can I not know myself?
Taken by the shoulders
shaken
slap me upside the head
voices battering….
me?
Shutting down.
Wrapped in the corner
arms around
face shuttered
hidden
black shadows dancing
howling
let me hide under the bed.
I want to be.
I want to live.
I want to decide
Do I live?
Do I die?
How do I make this hurt disappear?
Stepping back
find the boundary
set the stakes
you want me
come
crawl
beg
still not sure I should not forgive.
I need to think
I need to decide
another chance
or do I say good-bye?
December 6/18
Picture is my own taken Summer of 2017
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Beast

Words.
Spoken.
Violent
vicious
inane
hurtful
slash my soul.
Are you looking to get out tonight?
I see you
see me
see that fucking reality?
You care not.
Believing
I will always crawl back.
I will not.
My tears
rubbed clear
you hate me
so it seems
when you look the other way.
Anger you feel?
Rage sears my thoughts.
I am better than she.
Fuck me.
Fuck her.
Fuck you.
Started from the bottom
flipping the finger
all came here.
Follow the flagstones
dripping droplets
liquid
crimson
shoulders shrugged
who understands
which one
which is it
which
path am I to follow?
Give
take
watch out baby
you
me
truth
love
we see….
does not matter.
Voices
unrepentant
unresponsive
all I know.
I make you….
feel
hurt
ache
make….
omg
what do I do?
How do I fake
feelings?
Love.
Desire.
Hate.
I hear the words.
I see the truth.
I feel the pain.
Tongue torn loose
words swallowed
I will not become that beast.
December 7/18
Picture is one of my own taken Summer 2017

Good Girl

Usually a good girl
kept her mouth shut
head bent
eyes cast down
always ready to be blamed.
No one looked twice at her.
Submissive to the core.
Sold into slavery
sex trade
men
always
more and more men
telling her what to do
how to be
what role was expected from her.
Night after night
fear
pain
distress
hardening a child’s heart
until
rage
so long supressed
so long tamped down
began
to simmer
to boil
to rise.
No one foresaw
no one believed
the massive eruption
from a child so small.
With blade in hand
stealth
moving from room to room
each throat slit
a link
breaks the chain.
Finally
they were no more
she was free.
To become the monster they bred.
December 6/18
Photo by Stephany Lorena on Unsplash

Shrieking Shrew

Lies
dripping poison
making me scream
why are you such an ass?
Venom
lick my lips
flick my tongue
watch as you writhe in pain.
No hurt
no tears
no emotions
oh dear
turns out that I know not how to love.
Bloated fears
wicked temper
blood red vision
contemplating the sin.
Shrieking shrew
raging
spewing spittle
became a joke
to you and her.
head bowed in shame
in distaste
not my finest moment
not my finest anything.
I am not the woman
staring out of the mirror at me.
Red eyed Medusa
snakes hissing
striking
poised on the edge
I have become rabid…….
this is not who I am.
December 1/18

Cleanse

Vile
blackened heart
blackened soul
teeth digging in
rending dreams
no child should have to run from.
Disguised
cloaked decent
only the tiny eyes
lips trembling with fear
for deep inside
they know
it will be their fault
never yours
see the monster beneath.
Dancing through the shadows
I stalk
desiring to rid myself
this world
those poor imps
from your tainted touch.
Death escapes
last breath
trials of blood
at my feet.
Eyes fading
glow extinguished
now
I can wash this sin away.
November 29/18

Dream of Me

Tears
no longer falling.
Rage
erupting
flowing like lava
more
more
more
until
explosion.
I scare you.
Maybe someone should.
Cocky are you
believing all should bow
take hold of your robe
carry forth the crown.
Fattened calf 
lead to the altar.
Mistakes made
gritted teeth
realizing
discovering
sighing breath.
Stooge
not of the three
only of self.
Curling in
will not show
how much I hurt.
Standing on the abyss
ready to jump.
Currents rise
diving in
cradled
safe
watching from above
as ravens tear into you.
Your form.
Your lies.
Your ego.
Deflated
depressed
drained
made to pay.
I am not a simple girl.
I am a woman
strong
independent
courageous
never again
to fall to my knees…..
docile & powerless.
Worth I know
forgotten for a bit
screw you dude
too bad
’cause
I am that bad bitch.
The one
who haunts your dreams at night.
November 23/18

Untitled Poem #6

I am not sure that I understand.
Once you muttered a cryptic statement
never explored
never explained
swept under the carpet
as you have done to me.
Rip my tongue out
slander my name
form a wall
stalwart til the very end.
One did know
protect me she could not
tears checked
lashing out
wonder why I am so angry?
Failed.
Tortured.
Can you even see?
These memories….
I desire not
peck away
at my consciousness.
Blinded
blinkered
beclouded
shout out with fear:
‘never ever
should one believe’….
for those words
spit
sigh
slash
the name of her abuser
who will be burned in effigy.
Nov. 7/18
Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash