Flip the Finger at the World

Tap dance along
fingers snapping
snigger in the air
lips twisted
sardonic grin
knowing
planning
rape
pillage
tear the world apart.
Crocodile tears
sniffle in the handkerchief
promise those lies all over again
swear the wrong done
will never be done again
while yet
you still drum the purse strings
robbing from the people
you are to protect.
Seeking to be approved
surround yourself with boot lickers
whispers in your ear
‘so great
so wonderful
God’s answer to our prayers.’
The frequency with which deceit
fraudulent views
tripping with ease
smirking lips
abound
make so many wonder
what world you live in
where your reality differs so
from everyone else.
They always say…..
The greatest trick
the Devil did play
was to convince the world
he did not exist.
yet he tap dances in front of us
horns uncovered
while all else pretend not to see.
©Feb. 5/20
Picture via Pinterest
plewalls.blogspot.com

Harsh Reality

***There is a lot of anger here and I am not sure where it all came from. I thought this was going to be a cutesy poem about being little and it morphed big time. 
Once when I was little
I fell from the sky
bruised my knee
which a quick kiss
fixed.
Once when I was little
I was full of questions
so I experimented
with things
maybe I should not have.
Then I began to grow
as is the way of children
began to see the world around
realized
fear did begin to grow
that this is what my life was
an always would be.
I am a woman.
I am a mother.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am an Aunt.
My list goes on and on…..
this is not to say
hey look at me
see how great I am?
No this is a list
I would like men to look at
those who have difficulty with a concept
that no means no
do not touch
get out of my face
does not mean
please progress.
Look at that list
close as can be
for I know none of you
were born
fully formed
from Zeus’ forehead.
Now I ask
how does it make you feel
to think of those women
your family women attacked?
Scared to walk through the streets?
Looking over their shoulder
fearing rape?
Can you tell me true
does it not bother you
enrage you
to think of someone
without consent
touching them…….
that is what you do
when you degrade women
believe we are toys to play with.
Think twice
before you touch
think of mom
sister too
if that does not stop you
maybe a gun will.
©Jan. 21/20
Picture via Pinterest

Eyes Wide Open

I stood behind her in the check out line. Peering. There was something about her. Vaguely familiar. Her jacket open with another underneath. To keep her warm? Why did she not just zip up the outer one? Her scent a mix of vanilla and lavender. She was pretty in a sweet way. The wife was nattering in my ear. I paid her half attention wondering about the young woman in front of us. Ran a critical eye over her purchases. Eggs. Pepsi. Pizza. Hmmmmmmmmm…….
I eyed the groceries I had piled on the belt. ‘Hey the first few items are the must haves…..after that we will see’……Nervously I watched the total add up. I had received an unexpected boon today which allowed me to shop for some items to tide us over until payday. Princess looked at me eyebrows furrowed in question. ‘Kay the pizzas. Cream.’ She looks over at me and pointedly at the pepsi I am buying. It came down to personal items (toothpaste/shampoo/vitamins etc) or extras for the kids lunches. Princess flippantly looks over items and in a throw away voice ‘healthy or beauty?’ I cringed having to say this. Furtively I glanced at the customer behind me. Hoping he would not recognize me. ‘Bars. Buy one get one at least have snack for first part of week.’
I zoned in suddenly. Caught the end of the conversation. That voice. Took a moment to cycle through and realized it was our regular cashier. Always cheerful. Smile on her lips. Asked after the family. Teased and laughed with me.Not someone I would have thought would have to make such a decision. I guess I had never really thought about what it must be like for her outside of the service she provided for me. For my wife. My family. Her cheeks reddened as she peeped from beneath shawl of hair. Realized she was checking to see if I had recognized her. Turned away and pretended that I was listening to the wife.
Oh thank goodness he did not recognize me. Benefit of having such long hair. When it is down most do not see me. Princess handed me the bars and I bagged them. Handed her my rewards card hoping there was something I could redeem. Add at least one of the extras but not yet. Shrugged and paid. Ducked my head so that my hair fell forward covering my face. Beyond Princess no one realized I had been there. I calculated what I had spent and yeah so the pepsi is not a must have but a little something as a treat. Not only for me.
I watched as she walked away. Saw her head swiveling subtly back and forth eyes gauging cataloging the people around her. She did not acknowledge anyone with raised voice or hand. She moved quickly neatly between the people blocking her exit. Realizing as she zipped through none saw her a ghost within their midst.
Thank god I got out without anyone seeing me. Hard to explain how money is something you need to count to the penny. Proud asking for no help because you can do it. And it is no one’s business learn to live in your means tighten your belt voice roaring in your head bow beneath the onslaught. Load the groceries into the back of the car pushing the cart back to the pick up area brace self against the sudden gust of rain washing over me baptismal flood slid behind the wheel. Windows fogged as I steam.
I watched standing at the cart corral as she puts her car into drive pulling into traffic. What I was seeing did not reconcile with the picture I had of her. Granted I only thought of her for the maybe 10 minutes a week I saw her. Never beyond but this is not what I had imagined. Kinda like a cartoon that does not end just because the scene has. Suddenly confronted with the bias of my thoughts. Middle class as they were. Laughing because I had been so sure she was middle class too.
I saw him standing watching as I pulled from my parking space. Rain dousing him until he became a blob in the rear view mirror. He knew now. How was I ever to meet his eyes? Poverty is not a sin…..yet we still feel as though it is. 
Jan. 3 2020
Picture via Pinterest

New Reality

*****As of Dec. 23rd I am going to have been pill free for two years. Truth is my life began that day. I look forward to continued growth and acceptance of my faults and watch with wonder and excitement as a woman rebuilding herself. My poetry is going to be a reflection of that. I won’t post this every day but I am in count down until my 2 year anniversary. 12 more days to go.*****
Tidal wave
breaking over my head
tossing
tumbling
dragging me down
no where to go
vision clouding
pain
all encompassing
no break
no change
day after day
my heart bleeds.
Challenge is acceptance.
Accepting my faults.
My sorrows.
My past.
Choosing forward march.
Choosing life.
Choosing to let go
to return to the wonder I was
before……
Depression became a way.
Addiction was how I coped.
Love was a chip to barter
body used to in slick desperation
needing to be……
someone I was not.
Someone I could hate
pour all my venom into
making myself murky
compliant
ignoring the truth
because it was easier to deal with.
Time came
climax roared
to its final destination.
Live or die.
My only choices.
I chose to live
for myself
for me…..
©Dec. 11/19
Picture is my own

King & Queen

You spoke to me today
Looking in my eyes
Playing with my hair
You told me the truth
As I stood here
Vulnerable under your gaze
There is a longing
A need
For you to hold me tight
To hold me near
While I unburden my past
From my lips 
To your ears
Arms around
Whispering 
I have you
As tears threaten to escape
Abuse
Neglect
No one wanted me near
Poison to all who breathed
I stand upon the street corner
Thumbing a ride
I need to run
I need to hide
The pain I bear
The anguish I carry
Overwhelming
Please
Let me hide
You are my King
You hold me tight
Anchor in the night
Chase away the beasts of burden
Carrying nightmares on their back
Baby 
You coo in my ear
My Queen
My Delight
Never more shall pain encompass
Never more shall tears fall
i am you King.
i am your everything
Fight the demons that crave your mind
Crave your pain
I shall gather you in my arms
Forever more
You are safe. 
 
©Nov. 15/19
Picture via Pinterest

Truth’s Ballad

How battered
how bruised
how broken
must I be
that I view everything you say
under scrutiny.
Thoughts
always twisted
expectant of the worst
never expecting the good.
Cannot believe the hurt
stifled for so long
brewing
bursting through my skin.
Death worms
boring outward
escaping with their vile shards
stomped beneath my boot
as they fall.
No one loves you.
I am loved.
You are ugly.
I see my beauty.
It comes from within.
No one wants to hear your pain.
I am surrounded by those
who share my pain
hold my hand
hug me tight
let me cry.
You are shallow
selfish
insignificant in this world.
I am me.
I am imperfect.
I have shattered.
I have remade myself.
I am learning to listen
finally
to the most important person of all…..
myself.
Clothed in color
standing upon cliff’s edge
within my hands
ashes of…..
the horror of my past
the fear that tried to bind me
the voice
wailing in fear
in shame
in pain
no longer caged
no longer tongueless
soars
released to the skies
song upon the bird’s wings.

©Oct. 16/19
Picture is my own

Word of the Day Challenge #45-Untitled Poem

Dressed in black
head to toe
blending with the shadows
moving with stealth
light on the feet
hide quick
here comes the guard!
Shuffle along endless corridors
never finding an end
a door that will open
letting in light
chasing away the nightmare
that this life has become.
Bended knee
all hail the three headed king
who cannot
should not
have a chance to speak.
Someone…..
Anyone…..
cut off their heads.
Hydras are feared
created
should three heads become six
well shit
may as well admit
it is all undone.
Bidden
you do not understand the mission
scout you shall
plan we will…..
Lop off its heads…..
Kill the beast…..
Let real men arise
with answers…..
fix the problems
the red beast derived.
For Freedom.
For Self Respect.
For Truth.
Give unto the people
their power
fear the scourge they shall begin.
©July 23/19
Picture via Pinterest