Dream to Come

My muse
My seduction
My misbeaten heart.
Your liquid eyes
Fill me to the brim
Tugging at my heart.
Misconception
Misunderstood
You trigger thoughts
and words
Twisting my tongue
Into lovely tales.
There is no right
There is no wrong
There is just you and I
A dream to come.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
July 12/18
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Sad….Not Sad Anymore

I am sitting here at 6:49 a.m. yogurt eaten, coffee on the table, I can hear the birds chirping away outside and it is Friday.

Monday-Wednesday for sure felt like a long continuation of Monday. Yesterday began like another Monday but morphed into a really great day. Work went awesome. I was able to talk to customers and laugh. A lot of laughing. I was able to accomplish all tasks without feeling drained. And I finished the day with a massage.

I wrote that I had made a plan and I am going to follow it.

  1. Affirmations. I had fallen away from saying mine and have restarted. Those words have more power than anything anyone could say to me because they are my truths of myself.
  2. Working out. I was up at 5:00 a.m. did my half hour on the bike and my 7 minutes abs exercise. And for those of you who scoff at the 7 minutes let me see you do it. LOL
  3. Writing. Besides the blog post and the poem last evening I also finished off another poem that I am just in love with. I need to tweak it a little before it will be ready. K says I am insane she can never really tell what it is that I have changed.
  4. Reading.
  5. Going to pick up my glasses today. (Not a thing I will do every day but I am excited)
  6. Not beating myself up.
  7. Remembering that I have people that I can reach out to. Talk to. I do not have to hide behind my strength, it is okay every once in awhile to have a mood and discuss it. No one is going to run screaming away from me.
  8. Admitting that I kinda miss having someone in my life. Not going any further.
  9.  The small things that keep me on track: making bed, doing dishes, tidying counter before leaving for work.
  10. Smile.

With these 10 items on my list, I cannot lose.

Also with the friends that I have made here on WordPress I cannot tell you how much I appreciated all your kind words and support. I cried when I read them because it makes the world so much smaller, so much dearer when you know that people are out there in all corners of the world rooting for and supporting you.

Today is going to be a great day. 🙂

Sad so Sad Part 2……

Well now that I have had a night to sleep on it, I realize what is going on with me. I am still feeling off this morning and my head is aching but I have a plan. Sort of.

First I realize that I am not always going to be singing about rainbows and true love. Or any type of love at all but that is besides the point. I was lulled. Lulled into thinking that my depression has faded away and is a part of my past. It is not. It is an every day thing that while it may hibernate somewhere in the deep recesses of my body it will reappear.

I am not in the throws of a depressive episode but I have had a dip in my mood. Which I have forgotten happens. So when it did or is as the case may be I begin to beat myself up and berate myself for not being happy. For not having the energy I need to do my job. For being short with T.

I have also fallen away from doing the things that keep me on track. Such as working out every morning. Making time to write and read. Sitting out in the sun.

So as of today I am going to quit beating myself up.  I will let the feelings move through me. Not dwell on them. Not try to figure out the reason behind them. Just let them move through and out.

I am going to get back on track. Waking up on time to work out. Not skipping a day even if I don’t feel like getting my ass out of bed. I am going to make the time I need to write. To read.

I will smile and be pleasant with my customers but until I fully move through to the other side I will not take myself to task for not being ‘on’.

I was allowing my depression to define me again, to make me doubt myself. And that is wrong. It is I who define my depression and I need to remember that.

Have a great day everyone. I know that I am going to.

**I picked my favorite quote because again I forget. What happened yesterday has happened. I cannot change it. What will happen today is up for grabs at the moment but I have the power to make it a great day. And even if today is not that great, there will be tomorrow. And as each tomorrow becomes today, it is a new day and a new chance for me to grow and learn. I must remember that always. 🙂

Torn

Torn from her family
bereft of any solace
raped and bloodied
she lays upon the torn mattress.
Told that all would be fine
forced to wear a ribbon
which marked her crime
deadened to the pain that festers
she lays upon the torn mattress.
Men have claimed her
used her
told her she was a whore
cigarette burns
mulitiple wounds
worse than what she flew from.
Sixteen years old
a virgin preyed upon
life would have been no better(?)
had she not left home?
Fleeing from one dictator
landing in another
haunted by fears
eyes shuttered to pain
she wonders
which place is better?
Jay-lyn Doerksen
©June 8/18

 

Photo by Zach Guinta on Unsplash

Blind Belief

They were placed side by side

one so bright

the other black as night.

Good confronts evil

or so it was said

but what was found in their hearts

made the juxtaposition clear.

The one who sought beauty

was vain and crass

oblivious to the world around.

The one who sought anger

was gentle and compassionate

hurt by the savagery of the world around.

Polar opposites

examples of right and wrong

if only they had looked further

they would have found

the one who could have saved them all.

http://instituteoflove.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/

Rising from the Ashes

Photo by Aaron Huber on Unsplash

Those terrible words

those terrible deeds

do you know

what they did to me?

How distorted I became?

My logic flawed

as I thought

it was all my fault.

The core of me

those central values

the pictures I saw in my head

you destroyed.

I fought back.

I overcame.

Now this core of mine

is beautiful again.

Little Asshole

T came back from his dad’s yesterday evening. 8:23 p.m. Good thing I had gone up to unlock the door already otherwise T would have bounced off it and the banging would begin. He sounds like a herd of elephants passing by when he bangs on that door.
It started off innocently enough. We were chatting. I asked if he had had a good time with his dad and what had they done. What did he have for dinner. Those types of things. He was sitting next to me when I received a pop up notification that I had received a message on Skype. And T caught the name on the notification. And the interrogation begins.
T was 7 when the implosion of my marriage happend. I was not nice. I was not brave enough nor strong enough to tell the Ex that I wanted out of the marriage and to hold firm on it. Instead in my warped way of thinking, I decided I had to do something that would make him hate me. Hating me would mean that he would let go. It was not the smartest nor the right way to do things. I have apologized to him. However T is beginning to ask questions. I am not sure what the Ex has all told him so I am hedging things as he does not need to know the adult issues.
Yesterday T got a little belligerent as he was talking to me. I was trying to explain that no the way that I had ended our marriage had not been the right way. That I no longer loved his dad. That we were both by far happier apart than together. T shut me down after a bit which I was fine with. He was not being his usual self. He was irritable and mouthy. When he went to bed he demanded that I waken him at 5:45 so he could shower. I explained that that was not going to happen as 5-6 a.m. is my time to exercise and get myself ready for the day.
I woke at 4:50 this morning. Than laid there for the full 10 minutes until my alarm went off. I did not want to get up this morning. I am still suffering from the hour jump ahead that occured on the weekend. Pushed myself out of bed and made it! That is right I made my bed as soon as I got out of it. I am sure that mom is having a chuckle right now as she has been trying to get me to make my bed since I was 6. Bathroom. Brush teeth. Read my dream affirmation on the mirror. Stand there with the toothbrush in my hand pointing it at my reflection, specks of toothpaste in the corner of my mouth and hitting the mirror as I say my own affirmations.
Worked out. Worked up a sweat which really pleases me. It means that I am doing the right things. Also I can tell I am getting stronger. Sent the girls their good morning gifs. I was rocking my morning. And it was not even 6 a.m. yet.
After my shower I went in and woke T up. 6 a.m. on the nose as we had discussed the night before when he went to bed. Well I am not sure what happened but the beast that appeared last week, the one that I said was becoming rare, had returned once more. Standing in front of his closet, kicking the box, slamming the hangers around. He cannot find his pants. It was my fault as I had hung them up. I personally was flabbergasted because I knew that we had hung 4 pairs of sweats up last week. He had been for a sleepover all weekend and picked up on Sunday so  he had the same bloody clothes on.
I got frustrated. I did not yell but my voice did become a little louder. I walked into the room and looked behind the jacket and low and behold what do I find? But the 2 hangers holding a total of four pairs of sweats. Now I am frustrated. T has been telling me off because I did not wake him up when he wanted to get up. He had no clothing. I stomped into the bathroom and turned the shower off. Told him that he could turn his own shower on and I was not talking to him any longer. I closed my bedroom door and took several deep breaths.
After showering he was still in a foul mood. Water was discovered all over the bathroom floor which I wanted cleaned up. T got more mouthy and I snapped. No Youtube. What was wrong with him? I was not going to put up with this attitude. All I wanted was for him to realize that the shower curtain needs to be tucked into the bathtub so water does not get on the floor. Take responsibility and please clean the water up.
When I came out from cleaning the water up I was still stewing. T was sitting on the couch and he was crying. I stood looking at him trying to fathom what was going on. I even kept asking over and over what the problem was. T told me at one point that I was yelling. I explained that I was not yelling that I was speaking sternly to him. That there were repercussions for his acting this way. He looked at me and told me that I was ruining his happiness.
This was not my boy. This was not the child who left here on Sunday. I sat on the floor and wiped the tears from his eyes. I told him that I was not responsible for his happiness. That yes there were things that I could do to help him, but he had to find his own happiness. I could not do that for him. It took me how many years to realize true happiness. I am talking about the happiness that imbibes your days with good thoughts and feelings. Where you can see the good rather than the bad. I told T that he needed to learn this now because I did not want him to be 45 years old before he found his true happiness.
As I was explaining this to him I was crying as well. My heart hurts because I know that T is hurting. I know that this acting out has something to do with the passed two days of his not being with me. I forgot you see, how T is when exposed to his dad for an extended time period. I do not want to be one of those ex’s who tears the father of their child down but I am so frustrated. I would love though to be a fly on the wall when T was there so I could see and hear what was going on. Because I have to tell you, having the beast return is not a fun thing.
Despite all signs to the contrary, with tears in my eyes, I told T that I was happy. That we had a life together. A routine. I want him to be happy.
Now he is sitting on the couch watching t.v.  I know. I said no Youtube and yet here we are. I also know that when T acts like this that it is not me. This is not an indication that I am doing anything wrong. I am not failing as a parent.
T and me have been talking. And he tells me about all the plans that he and his dad have for the summer. The Ex also text to let me know he was off Friday so he would take T. An extra day together. Today T informs me that his friend is coming over Friday. I became a little annoyed. I did what I should not have done. I said that I had thought that the reason his dad was taking Friday off was to spend extra time with T. I was assured that they would be.
I need to prepare myself now. As I was typing this I suddenly realized what was going on. T had expectations/ideas of what spending the time with his dad would mean. More time hanging out together. Reality is something very different. So when T comes back to me he is billigerant  and upset because things have not gone to plan. Hmmmmmm I wonder where that trait comes from. And than we have to have a melt down. It is almost as though T is pushing my buttons to see if he can set me off. Wonder if he thinks that if I get angry that it means I care more?
At 9 T is begining to understand that there are disappointments that occur in life. Things are not always going to be the same all the time. But there is a time when things do need to be the same all the time, to be consistent, and that is being there for your child. For standing next to them even when they do not want you to. It took me a long time to realize that as well. Lately I have been having flashbacks to when I was drinking and how I treated T. I am going to have to deal with that eventually.
What I do for now, is provide him with the consitency that he craves. I will follow through when I tell him that we are going to do something or go somewhere. I will be his mom. Not his friend, his mom. We have time enough to be friends when he is older. For now he needs a mom to love and guide him. To provide boundaries while still allowing him to grow and learn. And to call him out when he acts like a little asshole. 😉