Despite the fact that my title is a little light hearted what occurred was not. All I can say is I am thankful that T was a little shit this morning and we were running behind schedule.
As we sat in the drive-thru at Tim’s my phone started to ring. At first I was confused and then realized it was my ringtone going off. Grabbed my phone saw it was from the school division and answered. I will admit to some confusion because it was not 9 yet….they should not have been calling me. Also it was coming from the school division rather than the school.
I answered. Yes I know that it is illegal but I was in a drive thru. With the phone to my ear listening. And my heart stopped.
We live in a safe city. Not that there is not crime there is but we are Canadian. We do not worry about bombs or school shootings. Our city still has a small town feel to it. I do believe our high school was shut down once last year due to a ‘gun’ being seen/talked about in school. Nothing more.
So when I answered the phone to an automated message that T’s school had received a bomb threat I listened. Bomb was to be detonated at noon. RCMP were on site. A search was on. I hung up and burst into tears.
Yes, T was sitting right next to me. I am sure he was delighted that the morning was going to be spent at home. Given that he had been begging to stay home with me. Today is my day off.
I live in a bubble. Well not a bubble, given that I am aware of world issues, I am not stupid enough to think that crime does not happen here, but we watch the news from the states and think, ‘not here, not at my child’s school.’ Well it happened at my child’s school and my heart stopped. I would have been freaking right out had I already dropped T off at school and received the message when I got home.
I received no less than 5 phone calls and 5 emails updating me on the situation. And they even numbered them. The school moved the kids to a safe location. The staff and bus drivers were willing to wait with the students no matter how long it took. By message 4 they indicated where the kids were and parents could come and pick them up. Children would have to be signed out.
A suspect had been identified. It turned out to be a student hoax. The thought had crossed my mind that maybe some kid had a test but didn’t want to take…..so they called in a bomb threat.
T did not go to school even after the all clear was sounded. He told me he was scared. How could they be sure it was a hoax? What if there were other people involved? He did not want to blow up. Was he playing on my emotions? I don’t know. But I do know that I was not going to stress him out by making him go to school.
I can not even begin to imagine what parents whose children are involved in school shootings go through. My heart stopped. T is my world. My sun. My moon. My stars. And this when he was sitting right next to me. Reality is beginning to rise it’s head, no longer is the city I live in safe.
I have been weepy today. I hate sometimes that my imagination is so good as it is……
I can imagine anything. In vivid detail. To my detriment….I can make myself cry with what I imagine. What if……
I am glad that it was determined to be a student hoax.
I am glad that I had T home with me.
I am scared of what will come.
This is only the beginning……
Picture via: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stealth_aircraft
I am sitting here at 6:49 a.m. yogurt eaten, coffee on the table, I can hear the birds chirping away outside and it is Friday.
Monday-Wednesday for sure felt like a long continuation of Monday. Yesterday began like another Monday but morphed into a really great day. Work went awesome. I was able to talk to customers and laugh. A lot of laughing. I was able to accomplish all tasks without feeling drained. And I finished the day with a massage.
I wrote that I had made a plan and I am going to follow it.
- Affirmations. I had fallen away from saying mine and have restarted. Those words have more power than anything anyone could say to me because they are my truths of myself.
- Working out. I was up at 5:00 a.m. did my half hour on the bike and my 7 minutes abs exercise. And for those of you who scoff at the 7 minutes let me see you do it. LOL
- Writing. Besides the blog post and the poem last evening I also finished off another poem that I am just in love with. I need to tweak it a little before it will be ready. K says I am insane she can never really tell what it is that I have changed.
- Going to pick up my glasses today. (Not a thing I will do every day but I am excited)
- Not beating myself up.
- Remembering that I have people that I can reach out to. Talk to. I do not have to hide behind my strength, it is okay every once in awhile to have a mood and discuss it. No one is going to run screaming away from me.
- Admitting that I kinda miss having someone in my life. Not going any further.
- The small things that keep me on track: making bed, doing dishes, tidying counter before leaving for work.
With these 10 items on my list, I cannot lose.
Also with the friends that I have made here on WordPress I cannot tell you how much I appreciated all your kind words and support. I cried when I read them because it makes the world so much smaller, so much dearer when you know that people are out there in all corners of the world rooting for and supporting you.
Today is going to be a great day. 🙂
Well now that I have had a night to sleep on it, I realize what is going on with me. I am still feeling off this morning and my head is aching but I have a plan. Sort of.
First I realize that I am not always going to be singing about rainbows and true love. Or any type of love at all but that is besides the point. I was lulled. Lulled into thinking that my depression has faded away and is a part of my past. It is not. It is an every day thing that while it may hibernate somewhere in the deep recesses of my body it will reappear.
I am not in the throws of a depressive episode but I have had a dip in my mood. Which I have forgotten happens. So when it did or is as the case may be I begin to beat myself up and berate myself for not being happy. For not having the energy I need to do my job. For being short with T.
I have also fallen away from doing the things that keep me on track. Such as working out every morning. Making time to write and read. Sitting out in the sun.
So as of today I am going to quit beating myself up. I will let the feelings move through me. Not dwell on them. Not try to figure out the reason behind them. Just let them move through and out.
I am going to get back on track. Waking up on time to work out. Not skipping a day even if I don’t feel like getting my ass out of bed. I am going to make the time I need to write. To read.
I will smile and be pleasant with my customers but until I fully move through to the other side I will not take myself to task for not being ‘on’.
I was allowing my depression to define me again, to make me doubt myself. And that is wrong. It is I who define my depression and I need to remember that.
Have a great day everyone. I know that I am going to.
**I picked my favorite quote because again I forget. What happened yesterday has happened. I cannot change it. What will happen today is up for grabs at the moment but I have the power to make it a great day. And even if today is not that great, there will be tomorrow. And as each tomorrow becomes today, it is a new day and a new chance for me to grow and learn. I must remember that always. 🙂