Coffee Time or Grab a Cuppa

I am pretty funny.
Or rather I think that I am funny.
T not so much so.
He even mentioned to me that much as I thought he was not funny well he did not think I was funny.
How can that be possible?
Everyone thinks I am funny.
Or maybe it is in the delivery?
In the honesty of it?
And how a lot of times I am poking fun at myself?
The other day I was talking with my supervisor at work (K) about how I was an extra body.
Me: So today I am pretty much an extra body.
Well not pretty but an extra body none the less.
K: Sputters to laughter.
I do not even think these things they just fly out of the mouth.
Me to a customer: First day out?
C: Blinks: How did you know?
Me: I can always spot a fellow inmate.
Roars with laughter.
I do not take myself seriously at all.
I use to but no more.
And I am accepting my faults and working on them.
You must be wondering where I am going with this all.
No where I am just going to talk.
So grab a coffee take a seat and prepare to be wowed.
Okay maybe not wowed but I can chatter a bit and share something.
There is a young woman who is a supervisor.
She was a choice that I had interviewed and I really felt that she was not right for the position.
I made an error in judgement and mentioned it to someone and it got back to her.
She went crying to management that I was not giving her a fair shot.
I had a mini kaboom shortly thereafter and she was promoted while I was on leave.
This was 6 years ago.
I am not the mean bitch that I use to be.
I demanded perfection.
Things were to be done my way because it was fast and efficient.
I was a horror show I am sure.
But that was past me.
Present me is much more different.
Present me is laid back.
I get annoyed and upset but I am working very hard to not allow it to chew me up inside.
I practice dealing with what is bothering me and letting it go.
When I have to work with this young lady either as a cashier or in my capacity in curbside I get tense.
She bleeds anxiety.
She snarks at me a lot.
For most part I let it wash over me.
But now she is beginning to interfer with my hard won serenity.
My peace.
Tuesday was a busy day for me.
Plus I was back after being off for several days due to the elbow.
When I came into work there were five orders that had come in the day before which she had done no work on.
And when I asked her why she told me that I was going to be mad at her either way so it was better not to do it.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I have been off with a bum elbow.
I would have greatly appreciated her having done the work for me.
Pick the dry goods and leave the fresh items until the next day.
And I am 48 damn years old I do not need to spend my time being mad at someone for helping me out.
Pause for the eye roll.
coffee time
I was telling this to K on Friday when she mentions that the other supervisor had discussed it with her.
I was so upset I almost burst into tears.
Not because I was sad and hurt.
No because I was so damn angry.
I have not been that enraged in a long time.
Enough was enough
Lesson time for me here.
Where in the past I would have mulled and chewed and allowed her to get under my skin I reacted differently.
I was angry.
I made a decision to talk to my manager.
And that was it.
When he came in I went and talked to him.
Told him that she was stressing me out.
That I had even gone to each supervisor at one point and apologized to them when she was having one of her power binges.
If I was ever that bad I am surprised they did not band together and dispose of me.
I had muttered about killing her one day and he heard me.
Realizing that this is serious he is going to be talking to her.
Whether she calms down or just no longer works curbside I don’t know but I do know that I cannot work in direct contact with her any longer.
Also I am on day 205 of my sobriety.
I was drinking very hard in the summer of 2018.
Very hard.
And I was not a good mom.
I put a man before my child.
Flash forward to now not drinking.
And I keep having images of that summer.
Which was driving me nuts as I was so far passed missing that man I could not figure it out.
Until I did.
T came home and I asked him to come sit with me on the couch.
Pretty sure he thought he was in trouble but he wasn’t.
Me: T I want to apologize to you. In summer of 2018 I was not a good mom. Not a good mom at all. And you did not deserve that. I am so sorry buddy.
T: What are you talking about?
Me: When I was with J and drinking so much.
T: I don’t even remember that mom.
I cried.
He shook his head and wandered off.
And now those flashes of memories no longer come.
I am only remembering so I can mention it.
Well I think I have caught everyone up on the wonderful and wacky world that I live in.
I need to run out and start the car.
As you can see brutal cold.
Have a fabulous and warm Monday all.
©Feb. 8/21
Pictures are my own.

It’s Alive!

T and I are sitting here this morning having a chat.
I have been on a MEW (Menopausal Emotional Wave) this morning and am crying again.
T: Mom why are you crying?
Me: IDK I am weird.
T: Mom what is wrong with you?
Me: Nothing.
T: Mom did I tell you I thought I grew a tumor?
Me: No (eyebrow rising slightly)
T: Yeah I put my sweats on and all of a sudden there was a bulge where my gitch end on my thigh.
Me (giggling): So in the thirty no ten seconds it took to pull your pants on you thought you grew a tumor?
T: Well yeah. At first I thought it was my underwear and then I realized…..it was a pair of socks.
I was still crying but from laughter this time.
I told him that his dad’s ex had offered to lend me her 5 cup coffee maker until I can go and buy one.
Not an essential item here.
T asks me if we are suppose to not be talking to the exes.
Are we not suppose to cut them off.
Me: No. It is different with your dad and them. With me they come to me for I Am The Queen of all Exes!
T: Mom!
Me: What I am. They come talk to me. Your dad comes to talk to me. They all come to the Queen.  She who is just and wise.
T was giggling.
This segued into a conversation about relationships and kids his age.
And no one needs to be in a relationship.
Well this lead to him already knowing that kids his age can also be having sex.
Which lead to an interrogation by me.
There is a group text that the kids have.
There is a new young lady who is ‘messed right up mom’ in their school.
T tells me he keeps leaving the group and keeps getting added back in.
Once upon a time I might have thought twice about that but I do know how group chats work.
I asked how he knew this.
Was it something she said?
T: No mom it was something someone said in this group chat.
Me: That is wrong. Did you tell them that they should not be repeating information like that. That that is gossiping and it can lead to bullying.
Which could then lead to suicide attempts if not successes. 
Promptly burst into tears.
Me: And it is even worse because you guys now have phones. It is instantaneous. T. You need to say something. And someone needs to let a teacher know. She is only 12. 
T: Mom.
Me: I know that it is hard but maybe if someone had done that for me I would not have been all fucked up until 2017.
T: Mom.
Me: T I want you to be a better person than I was. 
T: Well I already am a better person than you.
We both started to laugh.
His dad arrives and we head up the stairs.
Me: T I have always believed that you are meant for great things.
T: Every parent believes that.
Me: I know that but I think you are meant to change something. So I want you to be ready. It is hard being the different one.
T: Okay mom.
Opens door.
Me: Hello? No kiss goodbye? No hug? You make sure you give one to your dad.
T shakes his head and I get hug and kiss.
Me: I love you.
T: I love you too.
Me: Have a great weekend with your dad. Love you 
T: You’re welcome.
Me: What?
T: I don’t know mom. I love you too.
I love these early mornings that he and I have been having. And I hope that they continue although I know that eventually his dad is either going to go to days or T will be old enough to stay alone and these mornings will be gone.
Damn MEW!
©Jan.15/21
Picture is my own