Denial

Placid.
Stagnant.
Floating upon the scum of the pond
hair streaming
no cares
no feelings
numbness
all that I need.
With nothing
there is no pain
there is no fear
there is no acknowledging that past.
With nothing
I am blurred
I am stoned
I no longer seek to understand
who I am.
Why I am.
Broken child.
Halo bent.
Satan is waiting.
A lot of learning
yet to be done.
Yearning.
Please understand.
I hate myself.
I love myself.
I speak in tongues.
There is no real happiness
no reality
for denial is one.
Oct. 34/18
Photo by Velizar Ivanov on Unsplash
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Dream to Come

My muse
My seduction
My misbeaten heart.
Your liquid eyes
Fill me to the brim
Tugging at my heart.
Misconception
Misunderstood
You trigger thoughts
and words
Twisting my tongue
Into lovely tales.
There is no right
There is no wrong
There is just you and I
A dream to come.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
July 12/18

Sad….Not Sad Anymore

I am sitting here at 6:49 a.m. yogurt eaten, coffee on the table, I can hear the birds chirping away outside and it is Friday.

Monday-Wednesday for sure felt like a long continuation of Monday. Yesterday began like another Monday but morphed into a really great day. Work went awesome. I was able to talk to customers and laugh. A lot of laughing. I was able to accomplish all tasks without feeling drained. And I finished the day with a massage.

I wrote that I had made a plan and I am going to follow it.

  1. Affirmations. I had fallen away from saying mine and have restarted. Those words have more power than anything anyone could say to me because they are my truths of myself.
  2. Working out. I was up at 5:00 a.m. did my half hour on the bike and my 7 minutes abs exercise. And for those of you who scoff at the 7 minutes let me see you do it. LOL
  3. Writing. Besides the blog post and the poem last evening I also finished off another poem that I am just in love with. I need to tweak it a little before it will be ready. K says I am insane she can never really tell what it is that I have changed.
  4. Reading.
  5. Going to pick up my glasses today. (Not a thing I will do every day but I am excited)
  6. Not beating myself up.
  7. Remembering that I have people that I can reach out to. Talk to. I do not have to hide behind my strength, it is okay every once in awhile to have a mood and discuss it. No one is going to run screaming away from me.
  8. Admitting that I kinda miss having someone in my life. Not going any further.
  9.  The small things that keep me on track: making bed, doing dishes, tidying counter before leaving for work.
  10. Smile.

With these 10 items on my list, I cannot lose.

Also with the friends that I have made here on WordPress I cannot tell you how much I appreciated all your kind words and support. I cried when I read them because it makes the world so much smaller, so much dearer when you know that people are out there in all corners of the world rooting for and supporting you.

Today is going to be a great day. 🙂

Sad so Sad Part 2……

Well now that I have had a night to sleep on it, I realize what is going on with me. I am still feeling off this morning and my head is aching but I have a plan. Sort of.

First I realize that I am not always going to be singing about rainbows and true love. Or any type of love at all but that is besides the point. I was lulled. Lulled into thinking that my depression has faded away and is a part of my past. It is not. It is an every day thing that while it may hibernate somewhere in the deep recesses of my body it will reappear.

I am not in the throws of a depressive episode but I have had a dip in my mood. Which I have forgotten happens. So when it did or is as the case may be I begin to beat myself up and berate myself for not being happy. For not having the energy I need to do my job. For being short with T.

I have also fallen away from doing the things that keep me on track. Such as working out every morning. Making time to write and read. Sitting out in the sun.

So as of today I am going to quit beating myself up.  I will let the feelings move through me. Not dwell on them. Not try to figure out the reason behind them. Just let them move through and out.

I am going to get back on track. Waking up on time to work out. Not skipping a day even if I don’t feel like getting my ass out of bed. I am going to make the time I need to write. To read.

I will smile and be pleasant with my customers but until I fully move through to the other side I will not take myself to task for not being ‘on’.

I was allowing my depression to define me again, to make me doubt myself. And that is wrong. It is I who define my depression and I need to remember that.

Have a great day everyone. I know that I am going to.

**I picked my favorite quote because again I forget. What happened yesterday has happened. I cannot change it. What will happen today is up for grabs at the moment but I have the power to make it a great day. And even if today is not that great, there will be tomorrow. And as each tomorrow becomes today, it is a new day and a new chance for me to grow and learn. I must remember that always. 🙂

Torn

Torn from her family
bereft of any solace
raped and bloodied
she lays upon the torn mattress.
Told that all would be fine
forced to wear a ribbon
which marked her crime
deadened to the pain that festers
she lays upon the torn mattress.
Men have claimed her
used her
told her she was a whore
cigarette burns
mulitiple wounds
worse than what she flew from.
Sixteen years old
a virgin preyed upon
life would have been no better(?)
had she not left home?
Fleeing from one dictator
landing in another
haunted by fears
eyes shuttered to pain
she wonders
which place is better?
Jay-lyn Doerksen
©June 8/18

 

Photo by Zach Guinta on Unsplash

Blind Belief

They were placed side by side

one so bright

the other black as night.

Good confronts evil

or so it was said

but what was found in their hearts

made the juxtaposition clear.

The one who sought beauty

was vain and crass

oblivious to the world around.

The one who sought anger

was gentle and compassionate

hurt by the savagery of the world around.

Polar opposites

examples of right and wrong

if only they had looked further

they would have found

the one who could have saved them all.

http://instituteoflove.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/

Rising from the Ashes

Photo by Aaron Huber on Unsplash

Those terrible words

those terrible deeds

do you know

what they did to me?

How distorted I became?

My logic flawed

as I thought

it was all my fault.

The core of me

those central values

the pictures I saw in my head

you destroyed.

I fought back.

I overcame.

Now this core of mine

is beautiful again.