Opportunities

*Photo is mine taken today.

I watched the sunrise today

with silent tears on my cheeks

not from sadness you see

but for all the opportunities.

How many sunrises have I missed?

Because of time needed elsewhere

of responsibility and

well, just life.

I am also crying tears-

Tears for the girl I was,

for the woman I thought I would be.

Tears for the woman I became

and tears for the woman I am becoming.

Tears of sadness,

forgiveness

and welcoming.

Tears that cleanse my heart

and my soul

allowing me to embrace

all my opportunities.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

 August 29/17

Birthday Eve

Today is August 28th. In slightly more than 24 hours I will be 45 years old. I did not actually arrive in the world until 8:20 p.m. so am not “really” 45 ’til than. 

I am looking forward to turning 45. I am not the same woman I was when I turned 44 last year. I am by far a much better and stronger version of her. I have taken my life and where I could have continued along the path of destruction I was on I changed. Slowly at first. But as the changes became good changes, as my outlook and feelings became harmonized and less disjointed I welcomed the changes.

I have documented my cycle of depression and how I had to claw my way back. I have an amazing support group who have been with me since I started on the new journey to me.

A journey that has seen me rise high enough to realize I was in an unhappy marriage and find the strength to leave. To my mistakenly believing all my problems were solved by the dissolution of my marriage and I went off my meds. I began to rely on alcohol to get me through the days. 

My crash, which scared me so badly because I had allowed myself to be tricked into believing I was okay. Our brains are wicked when presenting one with deceptive illusions.

Even after I resumed taking my meds I still continued to self-medicate with alcohol. Finally July 1st I decided to stop. I went six weeks without drinking. And when I did, I woke the next morning disappointed in myself. 

I have had some again but there is a difference. One that I can see and feel. It is no longer a need. There is no desire to negate the feelings I did not want to face. 

So tomorrow I am turning 45. 

 I am eating better. I am sleeping better. I am exercising. I have quit drinking to self-medicate and find that I do not miss it. 

Best of all I am writing again. I am more secure in the voice I have. I am letting those wonderful words combine and emerge like a waterfall from my finger tips. I believe in magic again. 

At 45 I am beginning to emerge from the cocoon of the past. I can see my present but the future….that is a dream still waiting to be dreamed.

Amazing Day

I had a realization today. A rather awesome and fulfilling realization. I am happy and so much more stable than I was a mere eight weeks ago.

I had to work today.

Let me set the scene for you:

A grocery store.

The Saturday after being closed for Good Friday (in Canada Good Friday is a statutory holiday and businesses are closed. Restaurants, gas stations, small convenience stores can be open). As well it is not like there are not thirty million gatherings that are going to take place within the Good Friday to Easter Sunday days. And it isn’t as all those gatherings will not food because everyone will have brought something. And yet, when I opened the doors at 7 a.m. we had a steady stream of customers. At times the line ups were so long and tangled no one knew who was going where. Our customers were awesome, no one complained and we ran.

That being said, let us go back a few hours. I knew today was going to be insane so I had already decided to go into work a little early. Up at 5 at work by 5:40. Which was a good thing because the carts had all been moved from the lobby into the mall which meant I needed to move them back into the lobby. I looked at it shook my head and said to myself:

‘Jay-lyn Anne you can totally rock this.’

And I did.

Eight weeks ago, this would have killed me. I would have spun out, my brain frantically trying to shuffle the hundreds of things that I had to do within my allotted time period. I would have been near tears, while also raging and frothing at the mouth. Instead I looked around, counted the good things that happened this morning. Had an awesome sleep, bounced out of bed, the day was starting off warm and set to get warmer.  I hit all 6 green lights on the way to work and most importantly because I realized how far I have come.

Than my boss and I were talking. And as we walk away in opposite directions I turn around and call him back. Stamped my foot like a bloody pony to emphasize my point (do not even attempt to ask or understand because I don’t) and thanked him. I thanked him for not shunting me to the side and firing me. I thanked him for being brave enough to talk to me without really understanding. And he told me I was doing amazingly well. That staff had been commenting on how much happier I am. I thanked him for that too. And as we parted he said to me you are doing a great job keep it up.

I had customers today tell me that they always see me; moving at top speed and yet I always had a smile on my face and would stop for a chat. And how they appreciated that.

And I had another good thing to add to my list.

I love this feeling. I love having come through the shadows, of having allowed the demons that reside within so much control and I am the one now in control. I have no doubt that there may come a time when I have another depressive episode. But I will have this to look back on and I will know that happiness is possible. And I will fight and I will starve those demons of the fear and self worthlessness that they feed on, so my days become happier sooner.