Here We Grow Again

Today was a funny day. I laughed. I cried. I laughed again. I had a realization and it was a doozie.

Last night when T got home he told me that his dad was wanting him  to come home after school this week to help with a vehicle project. It was like an arrow shot through me and I was upset. My week. And this seemed to be happening on a more regular basis. Why does he want to spend time over at his dad’s? Why did he bother to come home? I wish his dad had messaged me to let me know so I could have gotten my shit together. 

I wonder though if I would have had this realization if he had let me know last night. 

Obviously I am not going to tell T that he cannot go to his dad’s. But I was a little snarky with him. Made a comment that there were a lot of guys who wanted to take me for coffee. He shot back only if they made 6 figures. LOL

This morning I was sitting here when M messaged me. Now he wanted to ask me if T could come home after school and help out. It was going to be hands on experience, a great learning opportunity, and dad is going to pay him. He will be dropped off when M is on the way to work and I do not have to feed him supper. The not having to feed him sealed the deal. LOL LOL LOL

I sent K a text and told her how hurt I was. 

She is amazing and told me to flip the script. It was not a bad thing. It was good for T and again I am not going to stop him from seeing his dad. I am not that type of woman.

I was doing something when I suddenly realized what it was that was bothering me. I was scared about T wanting to spend time with his dad because I was equating it to him loving M more. Which is absolutely ridiculous.

I had to wake him up before I left, as school started at 9 for him today due to innovation week. I told him what I was worried about. I explained to him that it was silly of me to think that he loved his dad more. 

Obviously this feeling has something to do with my own parents. And their divorce. Which I am able to recognize.

And that is when I realized I was not hurt. I was jealous. Jealous that T wanted to go and spend time with his dad helping him. I can’t even get him to come grocery shopping any more.

I worry that he and I do not connect enough. That we do not talk enough. Found out this weekend that his dad has given him a drink or two. I took it in stride and said it was at his house. Was I cringing inside? You betcha. Did I want to say WTAF? You betcha. Did I behave like an adult and let it go. You betcha. 

T did not tell me about this because he thought I was going to freak the fuck out on his dad. But I trust his dad and T is going to experiment with alcohol and marijuana. I am glad that his dad gave him that experience and took away the mystery of it. I have told him the dangers of alcoholism which runs in both sides of the family. And when he wants to try marijuana he knows that he can come to me and go from there. 

M, L and me are all on the same page. We know our kids are going to experiment so we would rather they do it at home where we can keep an eye on them. Ensuring that they are safe. There are a lot of people who are going to think that we are crazy horrible parents. But that is okay. They are not the ones who is raising this/these boy(s), we are. 

And besides which we all know that T loves me more. 

I said that to him this morning but could not keep a straight face. And even he was grinning. Made sure he knew I was joking. But still…..

I can believe it in my heart of hearts. 🙂

Oct. 24/22

 

 

My Take Away

I have been doing a lot of thinking this week.
About myself.
About how I live my life.
About how I interact with others.
I have been worrying over the fact that I may still be extremely toxic to others.
I have worried over these notions while at work.
I have worried over these notions while working with my plants at home.
I have worried over these notions a lot this week.
Because I do not want to be toxic.
I do not want to cause others harm.
That is not how I live my life.
Then today, this morning, after I went to get gas, milk and creamer for my coffee I grabbed my spray water bottle and went outside to tend to my plants.
I bought myself two new ones this year.
Climbing vines.
I am nurturing them.
I also have a lavender bush I bought as a Mother’s Day gift which is growing well.
I mutter away to myself in my head about friends and people making decisions about you and thinking they know best.
About changing behaviours for others when you have always been happy with yourself.
And I realized, the only person who knows the whole of me, is me.
No one knows the entirety of my thoughts.
No one knows the entirety of my past.
No one knows everything.
They know slices about me.
There are a few who know a good 85% of me but there is that 15% that I hold close to my heart and never let out to anyone.
I thought that I was supporting my friends no matter what.
That while I may not always agree with what they are doing that is not my business.
What is my business should be listening and supporting them with an open heart.
I think that I may have failed in that department.
My take away this week has been that I made changes to myself based on how someone else felt I should be.
It was very subtle.
My take away this week has been that I need to apologize to my friends for acting judgmental and disapproving.
That their choices were wrong.
That is not what my job as your friend is.
My take away this week has been my life is my own to live.
And I do not want to go to my death regretting that I did not live my truth.
The one that I know all about because it is my truth.
June 24/22
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