My Take Away

I have been doing a lot of thinking this week.

About myself.

About how I live my life.

About how I interact with others.

I have been worrying over the fact that I may still be extremely toxic to others.

I have worried over these notions while at work.

I have worried over these notions while working with my plants at home.

I have worried over these notions a lot this week.

Because I do not want to be toxic.

I do not want to cause others harm.

That is not how I live my life.

Then today, this morning, after I went to get gas, milk and creamer for my coffee I grabbed my spray water bottle and went outside to tend to my plants.

I bought myself two new ones this year.

Climbing vines.

I am nurturing them.

I also have a lavender bush I bought as a Mother’s Day gift which is growing well.

I mutter away to myself in my head about friends and people making decisions about you and thinking they know best.

About changing behaviours for others when you have always been happy with yourself.

And I realized, the only person who knows the whole of me, is me.

No one knows the entirety of my thoughts.

No one knows the entirety of my past.

No one knows everything.

They know slices about me.

There are a few who know a good 85% of me but there is that 15% that I hold close to my heart and never let out to anyone.

I thought that I was supporting my friends no matter what.

That while I may not always agree with what they are doing that is not my business.

What is my business should be listening and supporting them with an open heart.

I think that I may have failed in that department.

My take away this week has been that I made changes to myself based on how someone else felt I should be.

It was very subtle.

My take away this week has been that I need to apologize to my friends for acting judgmental and disapproving.

That their choices were wrong.

That is not what my job as your friend is.

My take away this week has been my life is my own to live.

And I do not want to go to my death regretting that I did not live my truth.

The one that I know all about because it is my truth.

June 24/22

New Definition of Ages

I have finally entered adulthood. You laugh but truth is……I do not think that we have the right of it regarding age.

I am beginning to believe this:

0-20 we are children. Inclined to doing what we want. Not really grasping the concept of repercussions. Finding ourselves. Children.

20-40/45 we are teenagers. Rash. Looking for our place in the world. Experimenting. Spreading our wings and living our lives but still with a foothold in the familial home.

45+ we are adults. Responsible. Grouchy. Rolling our eyes at the fallacy of youth. Paying our bills on time. Comfortable within ourselves. Knowing what it is that we want. Not willing to settle for less. Accepting. Our sense of selves solidifies.

I had a special delivery today.

My very first vacuum.

Not like my first first but the first that I have purchased for myself.

Much like the non-stick Good Cook pan I purchased recently.

I ordered the vacuum a Bissell off of Amazon on Sunday. It shipped Monday. Received……today.

I put it together and took it for a test spin. OMG but I am in love. It sucks so well. I vacuumed yesterday and yet dirt……

Never use to make my bed.

Decided that I needed to do so.

Every day…..even if I did not feel like doing it….I did.

I am proud to say that I now make my bed daily.

Sometimes it is not immediately but it gets made.

Mom I know you are smiling at this.

I am more serene.

More okay with things.

I find that I am looking at things differently.

I find that I am most grateful. For my job. For my son. For my ability to care for both of us.

I am happy. Like all the time.

That in and of its self is something I am still getting use to.

No longer do I see only the negative. No longer do I use negative language. I realize I once was a miserable woman. Well teenager…..which makes sense no? Angst and all? And zits. Who still has zits at 40? A teenager that is who.

I am happy.

Which I believe is what we all want adulthood to be.

We want to be content with the lives that we are living.

With the choices that we are making.

Before I had this epiphany I thought that there was something wrong with me.

That it had taken me so long to catch up with my peers and adulthood.

Than this thought came to me and well…….it totally changed how I viewed things.

Based upon my new definition of age I am only 22…..about to be 23……how about you?

48 never looked so good now that I understand the true aging system.

May 7/20

Picture is my own