Patchwork Girl

****10 Days****

Falling down
rabbit hole deep
lost in a swirl
of blackness
of pain
no possible way out.
Round and round I go
never ending carousel
riding the pony
reaching for the stars
out of bounds
out of my orbit
a dream unrealized.
When I look in the mirror
a cadaver stares back
blooded rivets in my skin
holding me together
pinning me as I am
no change
no feelings
utter blackness
a void where once my heart was.
Detached
looking at myself from afar
disgusted
deranged in my addiction
hurting body and soul
to hide
to unacknowledge the girl
desperate for release
for acceptance
for forgiveness
scratching beneath the surface.
on my knees
screaming my rage
frothing with murderous desire
I slowly reunite
each broken piece
knitted back together
until I become the woman I am…..
flawed
patchwork colourful
beautiful
healthy
growing
learning every day.
No longer do I fear.
No longer do I hide.
I am who I am.
Warts and all.
Accept me or not…..
I really don’t care.
© Dec. 13/19
Picture is my own

Nevermore

Feet blistered
bleeding
pushing forward
to where…..
for what…..
I do not know.
Embracing the pain
relishing
rending
emotions
I want them not
I want nothing more
than to come to an end.
Not in death
not in suicide
memories
tainted with your touch
damage you have done
I want to rake your eyes
tear out your heart
your lying tongue.
Imprinted
a duckling on its parent
you
me
snarls fill the air.
I will not let you return from the dead.
I will not let you tear from me
hard won peace
acceptance 
self-love.
Vicious volley
words on the tongue
tear like bullets
through malignant shade
shredding spirit.
Tears
heavy
voices screaming in my head.
Allow me to reiterate
in case your specter cannot understand
You will not win…..
I am stronger.
I am braver.
I am no longer a child.
Blade driven
skewered black heart
your death
glee in myself
my strength
haunt me nevermore.
©July 3/19
Picture via Pinterest