Untitled Love Poem #2

I thought I was done.
No more words
no more sorrow
no more hitch of breath
when these memories cross my mind.
Brokenhearted
sadness tinged remembrances
viewed through reality
knowing what was coming
knowing how it would end
bittersweet
yet I would do it
all over again.
Settling over me
mist of time
recalling moments
magic
small tear escaping
our good times
were so damn good
we fit together.
The ending
volcanic catastrophe
numbing my soul
numbing my affections
turning us daft.
Regret nothing
I do not.
Wait…..
I do have regret
nothing to do with you
to do with myself….
I regret my panic.
I regret my decision to stay.
I regret believing you 
as you told me it would be fine.
I do not regret
our love
our time
for what you gave to me
what you taught me
are lessons
no one else could have.
You built my confidence.
You built my art.
You built my belief in me.
You pushed me 
made me more myself.
Always will I love you
even as 
we do part.
©May 18/19
Picture via Pinterest found for me by The Eclectic Contrarian

Learning to Live

Tears
cold
desperate
trace a route
over gaunted cheeks
blooded lips
as I stare in the window
picture a scene
of warmth
of love
one I have been left out of.
I thought…..
silly woman that I am…..
feelings ran true
through you
only to discover that the lies you spoke
broken promises made
a habit of which you cannot be broke.
Silken words
wrapped like ribbons around my heart
tugging
pulling
opening me up
to pain
to dismay
to disgust with myself.
Watching
sadness
your attempt to appease your guilt
drink away
smoke away
you know
in your heart
that you have done me wrong.
Even were you to whisper I am sorry
were you to gather me in your arms
coming back
no longer an option.
I have learned to live without you.
March 1/19

Pauper’s Wounds

Blooded steps
sparkling
shredding
spearing
glass shards
embedded in my soles
disabling me
as I attempt to walk through.
Brambles clutch
piercing
gouging
stabbing
beneath my skin
more blood flows
I give in.
My fault really.
I took those words to heart
played princess to the pauper
never listened
never heard the
lies embedded.
It was only with the interloper’s arrival
that it began
the decimation
of love shared.
No account
no words spoken
but suddenly
I am the bad guy.
The one who wants too much
who wants to provide happiness
who wants to make life easier.
Forgive me
silly am I
to think that a man wants a partner
who compliments
not competes with him.
What do I do?
Shrug my shoulders?
Turn around and walk away?
Pathetic thing is
I love so much
I am willing to wait.
Wait….
no that is my imagination
for love is not suppose to hurt
this way.
There will come a day
beware of that
when I will finally have enough
will walk away.
No looking back
regrets burned
think carefully.
Is a bitch
ready to spread her legs
lacking so in respect
really the desired want?
I suppose
nay
I know
that if I were respected
if I was truly loved
no enticement
would
could
drive to baser needs.
What a fucking brutal truth.
Fires burn
rage
bridges erupting
soon as foot is placed
for I am protecting myself.
No longer
never again
will I give anyone
power over me.
November 24/18
Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash

Untitled Poem #5

A voice
barely a whisper
coming down the line
begging for help
for me to come find her
take her away from the world
she has fallen into.
Angry words
violent outbursts
who was this child before me?
Not mine.
My princess could never have become
a gutter rat
lost in drugs
in desperation
to ease the pain of her past.
I should have been more open
maybe she would have trusted me than
but I chose not to see
not to hear
tears
accusations I could not control.
Walking up the creaking stairs
afraid
what will I find at the top?
Dingy walls
tar streaked
stale smoke permeating the air
I find the door
slight ajar
am not sure I want to know more.
Pushing it open
confronted with……
a face frozen in agony
body wasted
from drugs
abused by men
blood drips
droplets falling from her fingertips
to the floor.
This is my child
who I neglected
drove away
and now
she is nothing but a corpse.
I gather her tiny body
so weightless
against my chest
just as when she was born.
Tears
scalding
fall to her pallid face
as for one more time
I rock my baby
regretting
my pride
my certainty
that I was right.
There has been no winner here
no lessons learned
only pain
crippling
devastating
latching
hooking
into me.
November 6/18
Photo by Nathan Wright on Unsplash

I weep…..

**Picture found on Internet**
I weep….
sitting beneath the spreading limbs
of the oak tree
where first we made love.
I weep….
rememberances of our time together
spearing the air before me
as you leave my life.
I weep….
not with regret
not with pain
not with hate
but with sorrow for you.
I weep….
knowing that you shall never understand
the truth that I offered to you
the life that you could have had
if only you would reach.
I weep….
with sadness
for alone you shall be
never knowing
what love offered
unhindered
unfettered
with my own wants and needs.
I weep….
having to whisper goodbye
because no longer
am I able to hold you near.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Ripped Asunder

First you went away
than you began to fade away
until I was not even sure
if you were reality
or simple a dream that I created?
Are these memories a truth
or fantasies I played
to stop the lonliness,
the betrayal of my heart.
Held in your arms
safely kept from the truth,
that soon
you will have forgotten my name.
Tears blind me as I desperately grope
to find the trail back to you,
for within my chest
my heart is ripped asunder
by your careless care.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
Dec. 5/17

Long Distance Love Affair

My tears become the stars in the sky

lighting your way.

My dreams become the songs your play

to stay awake.

Each mile takes you further away

and I am scared,

we will never meet again.

Tempted to run after you

to throw caution to the wind

to proclaim aloud the way I feel

and not to dread…..

Dread the rejection

fear the pain

I cannot speak these words.

My tongue bound with silver threads

my soul bound in an iron cage

my heart bound with brambled thorns

to keep me safe and sound.

Every mile becomes a lifetime

driving us further apart

and the whispered promises

of I’ll be back

fades to black as the curtain falls to a close

on this long distance love affair.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

 November 15/17