Lost and Found…..Again

It has happened again. I lost myself. Well I did not really loose myself so much as I was ignoring myself.

I suppose it is hard to describe, the ignorance I push. When it was with mom I ran away, stuck my head in the sand, wasted an entire summer because I was ashamed of my behaviour. I had guilt. And I had anger. And it all came to a head. The thing is though it all came down to forgiveness. I forgave mom because I know now that had she known nothing would have stopped her from protecting me. Where once I thought maybe there was a slight knowledge now I know that is not true. So when I say that I need to forgive mom I only mean I needed to let go of my expectations. You cannot expect someone else to act the way you would without having gone through your experience.

This is going to be all over the place. I will probably read once and then post. I need to forgive me. I need to say Jay it is okay.

Last year when things happened I crawled and not for myself. I crawled. I whimpered. I begged. I made believe. I should have packed all my things up and left the first day. But I did not. Am not sure why for when I awoke and recalled that he had cheated, I felt relief. Thank god I dodged that bullet. But I did not want to let go. I can say it is not the man that I was afraid of losing it was how he treated me. And now my realization is sickeningly, it was how my father was. Smarmy. Confident. Sucks you in. Hell now that I look back I should have shut him off after the first time we met.

However and I am not making excuses I was in a raw place. I had finally faced it all. Faced my pain. Faced my rage. Faced the reason why I was slowly killing myself with pills. I was moving into a place of security. A place where I could love myself. But I needed to know that I was lovable.

Problem is I am a fixer. Or was a fixer. In that I want to make it all right for everyone. So I attracted men who needed to be fixed. Hmmmmmm I wonder where that came from. With the knowledge that I have now, I understand. It is not an awesome truth to behold but there it is.

1. Pain and fear are really the controlling emotions.
2. Forgiving oneself is hard to do.
3. Being honest with oneself is the hardest thing you will ever do. You think you are honest? Stop and really look at yourself. Shut down the voice that is always with you. Shut down the preconceived notions and listen. That voice…..the tiny one that is pipping up in the corner, that is the voice that you do not want to face. That is the voice that lays it all out brutally. You have no where to run.
4. There are many outs. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. Food. These do nothing to help. It is an empty hole that cannot be fed.
5. Happiness is a choice. Oh I know how trite that sounds. I know beyond a doubt I have lost at least three quarters of my readers right here. I am a woman who lives with depression. I live in fear that one day I am going to be so far sunk into my depression that I can never return. I am forever analyzing my behaviour. My everything. Do you know that is like? (If you do let me know)
6. As above happiness is something that I can choose. Because happiness is an emotion depression is a disease. Oh my god as I typed that this weight lifted from my shoulders. I can be happy. It is my right to allow myself to be happy. I am not dependent on what others think. I am not dependent on how others see me. I am me. How I see me that is important.
7. It is hard to face myself. To listen. To really hear. I do not want to face how I am. How I have been molded. How I always go after the same type of men. How I would rather place a mask over my face then admit the truth.

I stand in front of the mirror. I look at the woman gazing back. I realize time has come to say: ‘Jay it is okay. So you made a mistake. So you stayed when you know you should have run. You should have packed up that first day but pride made you stay. Woman it is time to let go. Your hurt no longer stems from the act but the wounded pride.’

I am done. I have written what must occur. I have to let it go. I was an idiot. I made a mistake. We all do. Make mistakes I mean. I have unfollwed. I have stopped everything that I see on Facebook. I cannot completely cut him out for without him I would not be at the place I am. However I am now at peace. I have forgiven myself.

©Oct. 13/19
Picture is my own.

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Hold Me

Nights spelled with desire
mornings soaked with passion
I wonder at this connection
I wonder what it is…..
what hold you have on me.
What is it about your lips
your eyes
the tone of your voice?
What is it about you hands
your smiles
the caress of your tongue?
I bleed
laying on the line
fine line
one I swore to never walk again
yet here we are.
Frisson of lust
tongues dance
intricate language of love
pull me down
pull me back
light my fire
once again.
Drive away dark despair
cradle me in your arms
stroke my hair
tell me it will be okay.
Hesitantly
I allow myself to unfurl
to reap the light you shed
seeing finally within
the worth you have already seen.

©Oct. 5/19
Picture is my own.

Pain’s Soft Embrace

Softly whispered words
lick my skin like satin
calling forth
a craving
a desire
a yearning
for the touch of your hands
the touch of your lips
your body pressed to mine.
Wind around me
capture my heart
protect the innocence I cherish
protect the woman I am
protect the love we share
please don’t let us burn.
Flashes of passion
day after day
until disease came to town.
A rotting worm
weaseling in between
flaunting her deadly smiles.
With a snap of her fingers
you are gone.
Melancholic tears
haunting melody
my yesterday fades away
setting sun
crimson gold
my life undone.

©Oct. 4/19
Picture is my own.
Matlock Beach.

Truth’s Soft Sadness

Autumn’s crimson
golden blondes
faded
crushed to black
as earth cools
sending to sleep
Nature’s denizens.
Warmth from the sun
fleeting
a sad small gesture of defiance
in summer’s waning days.
Fallen leaves
blanket the ground
breath fresh on the air
frost on the blades of grass.
Honking geese flee the sky
another herald of summer done
sand is boxed
sun set to side
now we must
return from fantasy land.
I must let you go
let you return to your life
ignore these crystal tears
for you have moved on
even when you say that you have not
but baby
I know the truth.

©Oct. 3/19
Picture is my own

Ire’s Blade

You want to know
am I ok?
You broke my heart
left me bleeding
a torn wreck
on the roadside.
Crawled home I did
a ghoul
face smeared with snot
vision blurred by tears
scared the children
who ran screaming
for their parents.
You did this to me.
You tore out my heart.
You destroyed me…..
you destroyed my life…..
you destroyed the essence of me
for that
there can be no forgiveness.
Rage.
Black.
Boiling…..
erupting from within…..
I want to pummel
I want to break
I want to tear at you
I want you to weep.
I want you to know
how all of this feels.
A mere blip
a wrinkle
at a moment in time you needed
a creature
a woman
so much stronger
but willing to submit to you.
Daggers slip
cracks appear
no longer am I a wife
no longer am I a lover
no longer will you look at me.
Sit I will
upon the ledge dusted with sunset golds
letting the light dim
no longer am I…..

©Oct. 1/19
Picture one of my own.
Matlock Beach 2017

Love’s Pain Never Lessens

This is an accompany poem to Your Fool.

Resigned
that is how I feel
why I thought this time would be different
I could not tell you.
When you said you loved me
I pashawed
how can you love someone from afar?
You can
for I do
which is why this pain
erupting inside of me
feels as though I am rending in two.
I want to wail
screech
pound upon the alter of fate
demanding to know
why am I the last always
prophesied to never have care
poor lonely woman
love has always been my downfall.
Whispered words
slipped between the worlds of reality
of dreams
of fantasy
lulling me
pacifying my need
for love and adoration.
Weep I shall
for fantasies unplayed
for dreams unrealized
letting go of this infatuation
with love
with the thought
that there is someone for me.
Head hung low
see not the tears aglitter
upon my cheeks.
Good bye my love
I shall whisper
into your sleeping ear
thank you for these times
but flee I must
staying here
will only bleed me.

©Sept. 30/19
Picture is one of my own Matlock Beach
2017

Your Fool

I feel the fool
as I sit here
tears seeping from my eyes
at the pain I feel
even though we are so far apart.
A part of my day
a love that I have
I told myself I was the one.
I thought
I do not know what I thought
I should have known
romance does not play out
I am the one
left sitting on the curb
wondering what went wrong.
I saw you accidentally
on a night you told me you were busy
I had gone out with some friends.
They tried to shield me
as they have before
but I saw you
I saw her in your arms
held tight
as you did with me last night.
Am I but a conquest?
Someone who you needed to control
to make your own
until satisfied
you rode on to the next one.
I told you
when you said I love you
I wanted none of that
I am too old
to play these teenage games.
I wish you farewell
for my heart is breaking in two
and if you stay near me
I will always be your fool.

©Sept. 30/19
Picture is one of my own taken Matlock Beach
2017