I begin……

Pain
whispered on my lips
bitten with regret
I begin…..
Heart
breaking so slowly
tears unbidden fall
I begin the process…..
Aching
my broken soul
lies I believed
I begin the process of letting go.
I have waited
longer than I should have
for you to come home.
My arms are lonely
my heart is weary
I have to let you go.
It kills me to say good bye
because I  love you
I believed in you
only to have you let me down.
Tears falling
I close my eyes
letting pain
remorse flow over
silently say good bye.
I begin the process of letting go
and building my life without you.
My heart aches……
my heart breaks….
pain encompassing 
as finally I let go.
Jay-lyn Doerksen
©May 25/18

Living Ghost

It seemed so simple

those words that you spoke

telling me you would return

you would come back.

I believed you.

I waited.

I waited an eon

marking every day

the rise and fall of the gentle tide

wishing upon each star I could find

to no avail.

You disappeared

becoming a living ghost

haunting the halls of my heart.

 

 

 

 

Mama’s Mafia

Photo by Bruce Dixon on Unsplash

Dumbass.
Door knob.
Dickhead.
Douchebag.
Dork.
And yes they know it means whale penis.
These are the names
the insults
my girls have given to you.
They dislike you.
They would bury you
up to your neck
at low tide
where the sand crabs can get you.
Pinch your nose
your lips
your cheeks
watch as the surf rolled in
covering your face.
They really really don’t like you
or how you treat this lass.
I have cried so many tears.
Wailed and gnashed my teeth.
Finally they were done
and decided that you need to learn
you cannot play with my heart
without raising the wrath of the mighty five.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
May 9/18

Maimed

I get lost in fantasy
romance
forgetting
never acknowledging
it is not for me.
I am bespelled
when you speak
sweet words
sugared lies
longing looks
until I am caught
bound within the web you weave.
Once entangled
smiles become tart
words fall like hammers
wounding
gouging my self-esteem
creating this pathetic creature
that you view with scorn.
What is it about me?
Why do you torment me so?
Speaking to my dreams
to my desires
making me fall in love
only to maim my heart when you leave.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
May 6/18

Untitled Prompt #1

Day dreams

sun bleached driftwood

a belching of black seaweed

using a stick to create a heart

drawing our initials

wanting to hold your hand

feel your warmth.

Sitting here

the sun ending its day

falling beneath the waves

the tide  rolling in

erasing my heart

erasing our initials

putting an end to all I dream.

 

Indifference

Some days will hurt more than others
with an indescribable pain
when tears free fall like diamond drops
hot and fast
salt on my cheeks
scalding my lips
like your kiss.
Drip drip drip
from my chin to the floor
head bowed beneath the misery
pulled tight with each heartbreak
screams muffled by the pillow
lip bitten to keep me silent
so that I cause you no dismay.
I keep it all hidden
I keep it locked away
I keep it in my heart
I keep it from your eyes.
I want not to cause you pain.
Sorrow you have given me
not with malicious intent
but with indifference.
Indifference to my love
to the words that I speak
indifference to the hand I hold out
an offering for you to keep.
Never doubt
my heart does bleed
emotions taut
love
my love
I shall speak of no more.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
April 29/18

Flirt Stupid

****Picture stolen from Facebook-Ha ha at least there would be no doubt***
I am not looking for a relationship. At all. I think though that I have had men flirt with me. I never know.
I wear a uniform at work. Black pants. White shirt. Black sweater. Green apron. Runners.   So totally unattractive look.   My hair is usually pinned all up although of late I have been gathering just the top back.   And I am paid to talk to people. All day long. I am paid to know my regulars and what is going on in their lives. I am paid to smile. A lot. And talk, did I mention the talk?
My first instance of what may have been a man flirting with me occurred last summer. I was cashiering and this very nice man came through my checkout. Rugged. Tall. Wearing jeans and tee shirt. Baseball cap. We were joking around and laughing. I embarrassed myself by guessing he was older than he was. His response was ‘oh you must like the older men’. I was horrified. I could feel the heat in my cheeks. He told me not to go all red now-which made me blush even harder.
Once he had left and my little heart stopped doing the pitter patter I was told that laughing and joking around was indicative of flirting. Than I looked in the mirror. Black streaks. Across my forehead and cheeks. Newsprint on my hand transferred to my face. I was going to start a new make up trend. I figured the guy probably was laughing at me and well I am a cashier.
The second incident happened a couple weeks ago. Again nice looking guy. Rugged. Etc etc. Read above. With his son. I figured he was married. Working express (15 items or less) does not leave much time for detective work.  We were laughing when ‘that’ parent joke came up. I asked if he would like carry out and he indicated his son saying ‘I brought  my carry out with me.’ I began laughing and told him how my son complained that I treated him like a slave. How he did not remember signing up to be my slave. Of course he did, when I signed his birth certificate. Until 18.
His son rolled  his eyes as dad loaded him up with bags. This time no black streaks. Nothing in my teeth. But he had to be married even if there was no ring. Again, and I can’t emphasize this enough as a cashier I am friendly. I talk to people and laugh with them.
I told K about him. Explained what had gone down. The message I received back was she knew I was flirt dumb. (Much nicer than flirt stupid) Generally if there was laughing, if eye contact was maintained for longer than a 5 second count one was flirting . Again I may have missed the boat.
I would like to reiterate I do not want a relationship but male company every now and than would be nice. You know for the moments when I can’t get the lid off the spaghetti sauce. Or I need my shower head changed. Those things. 😂😂😂😂
Third flirt I believe happened today.
2nd last customer of my shift. Rolls up with a cart load of groceries. Told me I did not have to fly through his order he would come and help me bag. I assured him I did not mind bagging as he is hurrying to pile his groceries on the belt. He comes up and we begin chatting. The cashier from the till behind me was doing the bagging. I mentioned that I was just about off and he teased me that he had seen my face fall when he rolled up with his cart. I insisted I had not.  We joked back and forth and as I got to the end of his order one of our already rubbed chickens came through. Honey Sriracha. I asked how it was, if it was really spicy. He said that his kids loved it and they would not if it was spicy. I made some comment about T.
I am fairly confident that this last one was flirting. I cannot be 100% sure. And given that my job is serving people and talking to them I may come across as just being friendly. Also and here is the big one I am at work!  Next big thing is I live in a city where marriage and committed relationships are the norm. I am the anomyly.
Flirt stupid I am and flirt stupid I will remain. As the saying goes: you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. 🐶🐶   😂😂