Flirt Stupid

****Picture stolen from Facebook-Ha ha at least there would be no doubt***
I am not looking for a relationship. At all. I think though that I have had men flirt with me. I never know.
I wear a uniform at work. Black pants. White shirt. Black sweater. Green apron. Runners.   So totally unattractive look.   My hair is usually pinned all up although of late I have been gathering just the top back.   And I am paid to talk to people. All day long. I am paid to know my regulars and what is going on in their lives. I am paid to smile. A lot. And talk, did I mention the talk?
My first instance of what may have been a man flirting with me occurred last summer. I was cashiering and this very nice man came through my checkout. Rugged. Tall. Wearing jeans and tee shirt. Baseball cap. We were joking around and laughing. I embarrassed myself by guessing he was older than he was. His response was ‘oh you must like the older men’. I was horrified. I could feel the heat in my cheeks. He told me not to go all red now-which made me blush even harder.
Once he had left and my little heart stopped doing the pitter patter I was told that laughing and joking around was indicative of flirting. Than I looked in the mirror. Black streaks. Across my forehead and cheeks. Newsprint on my hand transferred to my face. I was going to start a new make up trend. I figured the guy probably was laughing at me and well I am a cashier.
The second incident happened a couple weeks ago. Again nice looking guy. Rugged. Etc etc. Read above. With his son. I figured he was married. Working express (15 items or less) does not leave much time for detective work.  We were laughing when ‘that’ parent joke came up. I asked if he would like carry out and he indicated his son saying ‘I brought  my carry out with me.’ I began laughing and told him how my son complained that I treated him like a slave. How he did not remember signing up to be my slave. Of course he did, when I signed his birth certificate. Until 18.
His son rolled  his eyes as dad loaded him up with bags. This time no black streaks. Nothing in my teeth. But he had to be married even if there was no ring. Again, and I can’t emphasize this enough as a cashier I am friendly. I talk to people and laugh with them.
I told K about him. Explained what had gone down. The message I received back was she knew I was flirt dumb. (Much nicer than flirt stupid) Generally if there was laughing, if eye contact was maintained for longer than a 5 second count one was flirting . Again I may have missed the boat.
I would like to reiterate I do not want a relationship but male company every now and than would be nice. You know for the moments when I can’t get the lid off the spaghetti sauce. Or I need my shower head changed. Those things. 😂😂😂😂
Third flirt I believe happened today.
2nd last customer of my shift. Rolls up with a cart load of groceries. Told me I did not have to fly through his order he would come and help me bag. I assured him I did not mind bagging as he is hurrying to pile his groceries on the belt. He comes up and we begin chatting. The cashier from the till behind me was doing the bagging. I mentioned that I was just about off and he teased me that he had seen my face fall when he rolled up with his cart. I insisted I had not.  We joked back and forth and as I got to the end of his order one of our already rubbed chickens came through. Honey Sriracha. I asked how it was, if it was really spicy. He said that his kids loved it and they would not if it was spicy. I made some comment about T.
I am fairly confident that this last one was flirting. I cannot be 100% sure. And given that my job is serving people and talking to them I may come across as just being friendly. Also and here is the big one I am at work!  Next big thing is I live in a city where marriage and committed relationships are the norm. I am the anomyly.
Flirt stupid I am and flirt stupid I will remain. As the saying goes: you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. 🐶🐶   😂😂

Mourning

**Picture is my own taken at Matlock Beach Mantioba**
I guess that I will never learn
to not give away my heart
to keep it encased
keep it locked away
so no one can hurt me.
When tears creep down my cheeks
and kleenex litters the floor
I chastize myself
for falling once more.
I thought I learned my lesson
years and years ago
only to discover
that I have not
as I lay here curled in a ball.
I no longer have the wherewithal
to text or converse with you
you have torn my heart
stomped it beneath your shoes.
I think that going forward
I won’t allow myself to feel
instead I will watch as lovers walk
holding hands
and mourn for you.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Obsession

**Found picture on Internet**
I am a passing shadow
seen from the corner of your eye
ignored.
You pretend not to see me
when I am standing in front of you.
Loving you
dreading you
wishing that you would hold me tight.
I feel you
do you feel me?
Loving
reaching
hating
leaving
cannot let go
do not deny…..
Nothing can batter
nothing can bruise
only arms twined
lips touching
hearts beating
love so true.
I can see it why can’t you?

The Ex and Me

The Ex and me, we don’t always see eye to eye. Different parenting styles, different people, different lives all around.

Last evening one of the girls was over at his place for an evening of drinks and relaxation. And this was what she overheard. All I can say is that I am sure that this is the sweetest thing bar none that he has ever said about me:

‘She is a great mom. We have an amazing relationship and parent so well together. But she speaks her mind and doesn’t hold back. But that is okay.’

Now it has taken us a long time to get here. When first we split up and then when I moved out there was so much animosity. We could not tolerate one another and when we did have to interact World War III was simmering beneath the surface. There were a few times where I nearly stabbed him with a fork I was so angry however was able to maintain a level head. I really did not want to go to jail for stabbing him.

I am sure that there are things that I do that he does not agree with. I tend to be more open with T about things. I explain. My parenting is not about ‘do this because I said so’. My actions speak so much louder than my words do and if I want T to be l00x better than I am or ever was, I had better be providing him with a damn good example to follow.

I do have language issues. T is forever telling me to watch it. I have to laugh because he also tells characters in the t.v. shows we watch and any singers with explicit language in their songs, to watch their language. I have heard him a few times use shit or hell. As one of his dad’s siblings is married to someone who was once a farmer, I watched their three kids grow up and using the word shit as young as 5. I cringed but as it was explained to me, they heard it all day long. It was used to fertilize the fields.  So on and so forth. At least T waited until he was 9 before I heard him.

It is also important to me that he treats everyone the same. When he does not say good morning, or thank you, or please with others (i.e. school crossing guard, someone holding the door open for him/him holding doors for others and so on and so forth) I lecture. And I will do so until it becomes second nature.

T is an amazing kid. He is smart. Funny. Has a sarcastic sense of humor much like my own. He is fast to quip.

We were discussing how I needed to ensure that he was properly equipped for school. Jacket, that is a big one a) because at 9 he is too cool to wear proper winter attire and b) because it is March and who wears winter coats in March? Well if you live in Manitoba, you may well be wearing your winter coat until June. As we are going back and forth T looks at me and says if I am to make sure he is properly equipped for school where were his rubber boots? I admit, I barked with laughter before attempting to school my face into a disgruntled mom look, it did not work.

I also see his dad in there too. He is great with his hands. The designs he creates in Scrap Mechanic and Minecraft amaze me. Mechanically inclined as he has been helping his dad in the shop since he was 2. He can fold clothes from the dryer better than I can. (Which is why I hang everything up that can be hung up)

While there are times that I wonder what the Ex is thinking he is a good dad. He loves T with every fiber of his being. And when they have the time to hang out together, they have a blast.

As always this ended up being more about me and T than my thanking the Ex for the kind things he said about me. But I can only take the idea and go with it, the rest flows to my fingers and onto the page.

While neither the Ex nor I were good partners for one another, we are great parents together for T. And really at the end of it, is that not the best example that we both can provide him? He saw the fights between us and now he sees that we talk to one another. That we are friends. These last few months, the Ex helped me with food and lunches for T. He let me keep his share of the baby bonus each month so I could ensure that my bills were paid and I could buy groceries.

He really is not a bad man. And I hope that he is with the woman that is going to make him happy forever. Because I do want him to be happy. I want him to have a love that fills him from head to toes with light and laughter and songs. I was not that person and it is okay. We had a good life together and we have an amazing son. And now we are friends. And I can turn to him for help whenever I need it.

 

Lessons Learned

This was a week of lessons for both myself and T. I think too that it has been a hard week for him as the amount of time the Ex has spent with him has been minimal. I cannot even work up anger. I am resigned. I am sad for T. I cannot make him change. I cannot make him see the young man who is growing up right in front of our eyes. T is playing Farming Simulator as I sit here typing this.

I was excited because I am able to listen to my music on my notebook while writing and also watch T play Farming Simulator. I believe I have explained before? Long story short you build up a farm. People create maps and you go farm. Drive around. It is a popular game judging by the amount of Youtube videos I have been subjected to. At the moment I am sitting here with our shared headphones on (the ones that cover the whole ear not inserted buds that would be gross) listening to Florida Georgia Line. Basically I load the entire album and start at the beginning. Today may be the first time in a long time that I get through the very long list.

We had two rather comedic episodes that left me gasping for air I was laughing so hard.

Yesterday morning I was about to wash the bathroom floor and asked T if he wanted to go use the bathroom before I did. He said yes. As he is climbing down his ladder I stand there  and tell him he is not to pee on the floor, the seat, the side, nowhere but into the toilet as I had just finished cleaning it. As a matter of fact, I suggested that he straddle the toilet and push it down to pee straight in. With hand pantomimes. T stared at me in absolute horror and as I turned away informed me that that was the absolute worst advice ever. And if I had one I would totally understand why. I giggled again typing this up.

Later in the day as I was driving him to the Ex’s for his night with him T was muttering away about what an absolute boring evening it was going to be. That none of his friends could come over. It was going to be dad, grandpa and grandma. I

I am trying something new. We are all programmed to notice the negative, the absurd, in other people’s pain. We mock others to make ourselves feel better about our own selves. When T and me had our long conversation the other week I told him that we needed to change. That we needed to look for the positive no matter how hard it is going to be. And it is going to be hard. I mock others. I make fun of them to others. I am no saint as I told K and P. It is a habit, a trait, who knows but it needs to be changed. Now the other day when I dropped T off at school I mocked the bright color of one of his classmate’s snowsuit. I tried to recover by saying at the very least we would not lose him in a snowstorm. Told him that he was not to make fun of the boy to which he emphatically told me he would never. I told him I was sorry. That I should never have made a comment and about a child’s snowsuit nonetheless.

So back to T and me, driving to the Ex’s. Grandma and grandpa are visiting. T is going to be bored. I suggest that he could hang out with grandma. And glanced over to see him looking at me like this. Yes I pulled over and took this picture. Mom, he leans forward his arm on the back of the seat, that male posture when they want to tell you something really important in the car, Grandma is old. And she is annoying. The laughter escaped me and I tried to stifle it. I looked at T and explained to him that grandma really loved him. That she wanted to spend time with him. As he is muttering away, frowny face on, arms crossed. That was when I learned something new about T.

I suggested (I am great for suggesting things) that he might want to spend some time with grandma because she would not be around forever. And he said no that was not true. Um yes, unfortunately we all die someday. Nope, we get another life. I looked over at T and said you think after we die we get a different life. Yep. So you believe in reincarnation. Yeah like having past lives and all that. We get to be together in the next life too. There are times when T reminds me how so very special he is. He also believes that had he been born a girl, the Ex and me would have still been his/her parents. The life would have been the same just pink. He expanded my mind right there.

Today he was annoyed that I had picked him up from his friend’s so early. Had thought that he was going to be staying there until 5 p.m. He was angry with me and refusing to talk. So I thanked him. I could have argued until I was blue in the face with him about his attitude but again I am trying different things to find what works for us. I want to stop that cycle I have seen myself falling into. But no, I thanked him. And waited. Finally he asked for what.

I told that I had taken his suggestion and had started writing a story the night before. Wanted to know what it was about so I gave him a quick a synopsis. Explained that what had started off as a short story about one thing had morphed into something else totally different. My main character had a story to tell we were just figuring it out. I thanked him again and he said you are welcome. I felt it was a small victory and we chatted and laughed all the way home.

Once home with chores taken care of I went to grab the headphones and T was loading his game. Asked where the headphones were. As if I didn’t know, he had taken them into his room one day watching Youtube and left them in there. He fought with me. Told me I had taken them and put them somewhere and it was not his fault that I could not remember. I took the remote for the XBox and sat down on the couch explaining that he could have the remote back once he checked his room.

He argued with me and I kept my cool. I did not yell. I did not let my temper get the best of me. I spoke calmly and repeated that he would get the remote once he had gone to look for the headphones. Finally I said that if he was sure they were not there could he please just humor me and go take a look. Stood in the door and said looked. Uh-uh get up there and look.

I heard him climb up into his bed and silence. After a few moments I got up and double checked the table and counter just in case I was being a hardass for something I had in fact done. I stood watching him from the doorway as he climbed down and threw the headphones at me. I think he thought I was going to crow and say I told you so. Or some form of that. Instead I said thank you I really appreciate that you looked for them. Warned him I might sing and was that okay? I was informed that it was most definitely not cool to sing out loud. I made no promises. He giggled.

I need to be his example. I cannot expect him to act one way and for me to act another. I will slip. I am sure that I will make a mocking comment about someone, and snort giggle when reading memes on FB again I am no saint. But I will actively work to do this. For both of us. And in a world full of negatives looking for the positive is hard. And that is when I learned my second lesson.

What I do now is easy. I am in my home. Being a good example is not hard when I am not interacting with others for extended time periods. I will be going back to work. I will be around toxic people who are going to attempt to shame me. Those who are going to judge me. Not celebrating with me as I recover from this bout of depression. That I am emerging a better stronger woman. And it is going to be hard to not to give in. To not laugh at that little aside about a coworker. A dis about an employee. An irate customer. Being tired. I could come up with a thousand reasons why I slipped back and forget what I was doing this for in the first place.

Yes in part this is a step in my mental health and realizing that I was following a cycle that my father got from his mother. I was yelling at T and several times during the week I cut myself off from phrases he said. I need to break it here and now. But this is for Tember. Our children are our future, and I want to encourage T to see the good first before having to process the bad.

 

Heartless Love

Nuanced
the words we speak
the dance we flow through
shades of emotions
that tumble about.
Delicate
this thread that binds
steel wrapped in velvet
so that the chains
chafe not our skin.
Afraid
unwilling to surrender
these contested wills
bruised eyes flashing
as once more we attack.
Vicious
words that sting
barbs that hook and tear
flesh torn asunder
wounds never stitched
left gaping
breathless gasps
as we lay panting.
Thieves of love
honor and faith
a warped notion of pleasure
pain that sticks
never ending
a cycle of disrepute.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
Feb. 17/18

Ripped Asunder

First you went away
than you began to fade away
until I was not even sure
if you were reality
or simple a dream that I created?
Are these memories a truth
or fantasies I played
to stop the lonliness,
the betrayal of my heart.
Held in your arms
safely kept from the truth,
that soon
you will have forgotten my name.
Tears blind me as I desperately grope
to find the trail back to you,
for within my chest
my heart is ripped asunder
by your careless care.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
Dec. 5/17