Bewitched Lover

**So it turns out I lied. Here is today’s poem.
Midnight love
hot sweaty bodies
coming together in the night.
senses unable to keep up
sensory exploration
afraid one might blow up.
He wooed you
swept you off your feet
first time you thought
that you mattered.
You felt beautiful
confidence grew
once more you could look in the mirror.
Brutal fall
wind swept beach
waves pounding
sandy bases
your eyes
they are wide open.
Truth be told
look back with the cold reality
a bullet was missed
thank god
he fucked up
you discovered
guess you can thank her for that.
©Sept. 12/19
Picture one of mine.
Matlock Beach Manitoba Canada 2019

The Road to Wellness

I have not written since writing the poem Tears. The inspiration seems to have fled. My last two days have been interesting.
Yesterday I finally reached the woman who is handling my short term claim. We talked, rather she asked questions and I cried as I answered. When we were done she told me that she was approving my claim. When we got off the phone I sobbed with relief. Finally I could stop worrying about whether or not I was going to have money coming in and start to focus solely on myself. I checked my account over and over again and than decided that T and me were going to go to Walmart when I picked him up, that surely by than the money would be in the bank. (It arrived this morning.)
Picked T up from school and off we went to Walmart. Needed a few extra things but did have that $50.00 gift card I could put towards the purchase. T was the cart pusher and he did everything he could to ‘bug’ me. He is determined that the more he acts like a fool, that I am going to agree to let him stay home while I go shopping. So I let him in on a little secret, the longer he acted this way the longer that he would have to come shopping with me. He needed to learn how to act in public. We had fun. Little scuffle over a mini Axe that T wanted to buy, he has 4 of them at home, full sized though. Felt that my buying cat litter was not fair how come they got a treat and he didn’t? Not sure how he figures this is a treat for the cats but I went with it.
On our way home from Walmart T suddenly says to me, ‘Mom you have a big booger hanging from your nose!’ I start swiping at my nose, picking at it and I look over at T, ‘is it gone?’ As I am asking this I am leaning over to look in the rearview mirror. T by this time is chortling away like he has seen the funniest thing ever. ‘Hey mom?’ ‘Yes?’ ‘There never was a booger.’ and once more he is going off into peals of laughter. This lead to me telling him I was going to punch him. My punch consisted of my finger pushing at him. We had to stop because I was weaving over the road.
We had a good evening last night. I had salad and T had pizza pops. Yes once more I did not have the oomph to make us a dinner. Today is different as I am making the effort to cook. Also the fish in the fridge needs to be cooked today. Have to figure out what to make for (hey look the sun is coming out, bathing the living room in golden light how awesome) veggies for T as he will not eat my salad.
Today I was having a mild anxiety attack as I was thinking that I was going to have to re-call the woman about my claim when I checked my bank balance after 7 there is was. Paid my whole 2 bills and took a deep breath and released it, feeling that weight lift off my shoulders. T asked if he could go to school at noon and I laughed at him. He unpacked the lunch bag he should have unpacked last evening and than went to get himself ready for school. Alright so I pack up the lunch put it in his bag, touch up my coffee and sit back down. T is still in the bathroom. I asked him what he was doing. He said I am getting ready as though I was not right in the head. My response was still, for by this time his has been in the bathroom for 12 whole minutes. This from a child who showers in under 2 minutes. Well he was putting on his deoderant, fixing his hair, brushing his teeth and the whole nine yards.
We bundled out to the car and on the way to school I told him that this evening we were going to have a crib game. We are also going to build our house in Minecraft when we got home after school. Tonight is also shower night although T will convince me to let him take it at 6 when he gets up tomorrow. And maybe I will have T wash the dishes. Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha he is going to be so impressed with me.
I pulled up to drop him off and he leaned over for his kiss. We both said our I love you’s and he opened the door. Than I said as I always do, have a great day at school buddy, I love you.  Love you too mom. He closes the door and starts to walk away but stops and turns and we blow one another kisses. We do this every morning when I drop him at school. It has become a ritual for us. We have also started a good night ritual. Pretty much the same thing, good night, love you, sweet dreams and than last night I tacked on a blown kiss. Told him was flying around the door and did he catch it? He did and than I heard him blow me one and tapped my cheek. T asked if I got it. I said yes.
I had a small blip this afternoon as I was getting dishes done and wiping down the counter. A wave of sadness washed over me and I hiccuped a couple of sobs. I grit my teeth and continued to wipe down the counter. As I washed the dishes, I concentrated on what my next step was. So I decided that I was going to walk to the post box. And than check my lottery ticket to see if I had won. I had not so I must try again. I bundled up grabbed my phone (it has been chiding me as my steps have fallen off since being at home) and off I went.
The air is brisk. A little too damp for me to walk and pick up Tember as it is a wet chill. I actually had mail, both about my RRSP’s. Nice because the work one has finally caught up with me and I can now call and talk about investing it. Grabbed a couple of cans of Pepsi (surprise T) and the lotto tickets. A girl can always dream.
I am off now to pick T up from school. Writing this has increased the feeling of wellness. I am proud that I did not give into the sadness this afternoon. It is not always going to be that way. Some days the sadness will be stronger than I am, but that is the nature of my depression. Each day is another day learning how to live with and cope with myself and my stresses.  Each step forward is a step along the road to wellness.


***Inspiration for this came out of a conversation with a friend who had sent my the lyrics to the song that ends Pink Floyd’s The Wall. I have never listened to it, well I have but never paid attention to the lyrics. As we messaged back and forth and the album was explained to me the words just began to flow.***

I once was a woman who was lost

stumbling through the darkness

wrapped in shadows and vines

unable to break free from the morass.

Paths shrouded in mystery

pain, despair, hunger and thirst

as I clawed my way forward

thorns scratching at my sides.

A crown of brambles sits low upon my brow

pricking the fine skin

trails of blood smear along my face

tears that I can no longer cry.

When sunlight does finally appear

driving away the gloom

the fog

the malaise I have suffered

I gasp in the clean fresh air

and am healed again.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

September 24/17