An Old Dog Can Learn New Tricks

Things have been happening.
Changes.
In me.
I feel…..believe me this is going to sound weird…..but I feel enlightened.
Yesterday towards the end of my shift my manager asked me to come and see him and the DM before I left. And the first words out of my mouth were ‘have I done something wrong?’
This here is huge in and of itself…..until typing that I did not realize that I did not ask if I was in trouble but if I had done something wrong.
This step is secondary to the first.
The look my manager gave me as he said no they had questions about the baskets but he looked a little puzzled.
My first instinct was to think I had done something wrong and it came out of my mouth.
This is residual behaviour…..
a little sharp toothed anxiety from before the new Jay.
Me…..I am the new Jay.
I have been thinking about it. And how this is the second time an interaction with my manager has lead me to realize another step forward. If he asks me I am going to tell him the truth as I have been thinking of it:
We have not really spoken other than a bit here and there because we are now at different levels. These days I am in till. He is busy. It is a dynamic shift with my having stepped down. That is totally understandable.
Since then whenever he has asked to speak with me it is because there is something I have done wrong or have had a customer complaint. Again totally understandable.
Having been the Front End Lead and the young woman who was my second is now in that role it is he who has the conversations with me. Again totally understandable.
Dynamics and all.
Not to say that he does not tell me when I am receiving compliments. I believe though it can be forgotten how a small pat on the head can make all the difference.
That though is fodder for another post.
Not every time that my manager or supervisor wants to talk to me is because I have done something wrong.
I also have realized that it is so easy to take responsibility.
I.E. another manager gave my Front Lead heck for something I had done. So I apologized to her and said that she could tell this person that I had misunderstood as to a cashier’s role. That it was busy and I had seen a solution. Realized after that I should have just left it. Told her it was something I would work on. Also said that she could tell this person to come and speak with me about it and I would explain my error. No one ever came to talk to me.
Hmmmmmm…….apparently there are more lessons than I have consciously acknowledged.
Next lesson came from interaction with ex and his girlfriend. (I’m Done)
I am not going to say that I have been all that nice in my head.
I have had a couple of talks with myself.
How I am not responsible for how she behaves.
I am responsible for myself and my response.
Blogged about it.
As I sat here though knowing how my ex could be shot him a text admonishing him not to argue with his gf to just enjoy his evening with her.
All I want for him is to be happy. To find the love he deserves. And they have something as they have been together for 3 1/2 years. She makes him happy.
It does me no good to make her feel uncomfortable.
It costs me less to respect her feelings because I genuinely do like the girl.
There you have it folks…..enlightenment in a post.
Not all came from my writing the other part came from my texts with Macy.
An amazing friend who helps me to see the better parts of myself. Who lets evil Jay come out but reins me in as well. She listens while I ramble eventually coming to my conclusions. Encourages me. Without her I would miss a lot of my enlightening moments. I mean who else would listen to me?????
Turns out that some aspects of growing up really only means learning to take the lessons that are in front of you….see them for what they are and accept that change in your life.
I have (for the most part not to brag folks) (I love me the word folks these days) been receptive to these lessons. Not easily. A few times I have been dragged kicking and screaming but with each step forward…..with each realization of what is important and what I want Tember to learn each one becomes easier.
©July 4/20
Picture is my own. Taken July 3/20.

Shredded Sanity

Caught
tangled in silken web
crouched below
blood drips
thousands of pinpricks
make you scream.
Cruelty
etched in your face
lips
sneer permanent
eyes
dead within
no doorway to soul
for none is found
within your mind.
Cackling
matted hair
grimed state
battered
bruised
beaten
never realized
time would come
we would arise.
Fists plunge
hands pinch
feet kick
words spewed
abuse needed to be repaid
this I promise to you.
When
as a child
you had me on my knees
head jerked back
screaming
demanding
that I show you respect
as parent you deserve
hatred began to rise.
I bow at your feet
caught in shackles
tied in memories of the past
your death
unto me
shall be…..
so so sweet
from now
until eternal repast.
©June 2/20
Picture is via Pinterest