Protector

Once more
a fool I have been
allowing my heart
my hopes
to arise
to fill me
moron that I am.
One would think
nay
one who is smart
would know
to ignore the stubborn heart
those emotions
the feelings
remembering pain
anguish
when the heart broke anew
again
(and again
and again.)
Sitting here
sight blurred
veil of tears
aching
realizing
I have played my foolish game.
Allowing you behind the curtain
allowing you to see me
the one
hidden behind the public facade
none know the secrets I hide.
You made me
(make me)
feel safe.
I opened
(open)
myself to you.
Foolish woman I be.
Time has come
to be undone
to lock
throw away the key
protect myself
from…..
me.
©June 13/19
Picture via Pinterest
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Day…..After Day

High above
stars paint the sky
dead pricks of light
incapable of producing wish fulfillment
no matter how much one hopes.
Fingers crossed
toes too
luck must come to me…..
I never broke a mirror.
I never walked beneath a ladder.
I found a four leaf clover.
Magic…..
right?
I loath to give up
to admit to defeat
that reality is the truth
there is no wonder left to discover.
No dancing under the waves.
No dancing above the clouds.
Grey
bleak
empty life
day…..
after day…..
after day.
Skies once colored rose and gold
a world full of joy
of beauty
I danced then
I spun dreams
believing
wanting the fairy tale ending.
Grey dust
empty husk
broken
shattered
day…..
after day…..
after day…..
til death do me part.
©June 10/19
Picture via Pinterest

Adrift

Daily 
she stood upon the widow’s walk
eyes straining to see
masts against the sky
her man coming home 
to her 
at last.
Like a wicked tale
storms
bedeviled ship
abandoned
floundering 
no where near here.
When at first 
the day did pass
no ship on the horizon
she worried not.
Now 
a decade later
she knew he was not coming home
he would never be back.
A heart can be broken
yet not accept the truth
tis easier  to ignore.
She bedecked herself
in garish make up
clown like 
her gown sparkling
with tiny glass pieces.
When found
picture in hand
they all agreed
finally now she had peace.
 
December 22/18
Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash

My Loss

It was not until today
that I realized
just how much I miss you.
Your smile
your words
your being
sitting
talking
with me.
You might think
my loss is desire
it is not.
My loss…..
no longer having someone believe in me
no longer having someone who loves me
no longer having someone who will fight for me
no longer having someone who feels like home.
I miss that feeling of happiness.
My bed
though king size
has become so wide
so large
I cannot find the end
the sides.
It has become the size
of three football fields.
The knowing
that someone is thinking of me
not day and night
every so often
I make them smile.
My loss…..
the man who made me smile
the man who made me happy
the man….
who knew my past
who knew my degradation
yet loved me still
despite the grey
the emotional curbs
he found in his way.
I cannot explain
why….
I feel connected.
Why….
I feel a depth.
Why….
I am willing to forgive
despite
all you have done.
You are not the only one
forgiveness should be paid
for too did I
strike out in my way.
I found a way
to rip you bare
using my words
my tongue
to cut you down.
To hate.
To love…..
oh hell
I am on my knees
begging you
please
can we not begin anew?
The ball bounces in your court
the ball it flicks passed me
what more can I do
what more can I say
I still want you.
December 17/18
Picture is one of my own.

Denial

Placid.
Stagnant.
Floating upon the scum of the pond
hair streaming
no cares
no feelings
numbness
all that I need.
With nothing
there is no pain
there is no fear
there is no acknowledging that past.
With nothing
I am blurred
I am stoned
I no longer seek to understand
who I am.
Why I am.
Broken child.
Halo bent.
Satan is waiting.
A lot of learning
yet to be done.
Yearning.
Please understand.
I hate myself.
I love myself.
I speak in tongues.
There is no real happiness
no reality
for denial is one.
Oct. 34/18
Photo by Velizar Ivanov on Unsplash

Nothingness

Tears seep
tracing the curve of my cheek
trailing
salty kisses on my lips
pondering
why I feel this way?
Nothing wrong
no sense of impending doom
imagination
spiraling out of control
when I know
I may have pushed too far?
Overstepping
infamous for I am
reading too much
into too little
building my fairy tales
only to knock them down.
Self destruction.
I am not crazy.
I am not insane
even though I portray myself this way.
Easier to hide
behind a sinister mask
than brimming with bright smiles
allowing the hurt
to become a dull throb
one I cannot placate.
Never crumble
never fall
ideas ingrained in my mind
not worth it
undeserving
voices playing over and over again.
Happiness
ever fleeting
skims through my life
touching lightly
only to bounce off
leaving me bereft
clutching at faded memories
of time we spent.
Hopelessness
sadness
raging pain
loss
fear
the emotions I live with
every day.
Does it get better?
Does it ever end?
This feeling of……
nothingness.
©Jay-lyn Doerkson
July 8/18

Sad so Sad…….

I am not exactly sure what is going on with me. At first I thought that I was morose. Than I looked up the definition and no that is not me. All I can say is I am feeling a little off. And it has not just been one day, no this has been going on since Monday.

Monday I slept in as late as I could before getting up and getting ready for work. I worked at 8 so what I really did was skip the workout, breakfast and coffee. So let’s put my mood down to that.

Tuesday. I got up at 5. Worked out, was ready to go before I even woke T up at 7. Yet still the feeling prevails.

I know something is off because truthfully, I am not my fun loving bubbly self at all. I can barely muster the energy to talk to customers at work.

I thought that as Monday and Tuesday were grey gloomy rain days, that that was all it was. I mean, T and me we fought again yesterday morning but now, I shrug my shoulders and lock myself in my bedroom. It was my fault for his shoes being wet as I made him walk home in the rain on Monday. Yep, evil mom that I am he had to walk home in the rain.

I can look for every excuse but there are none. I cannot explain what this feeling is other than off. I want to weep. I want to lay here cuddling my pillow and sob. But why? That my friends is the elusive question. I have no reason to be feeling down or sad. Work is great. My friends are great. T, well T is T. He is good when he wants to be and no so good when he doesn’t want to be.

My poetry is going well. I have no complaints there.

I want to cry. I want to be held while I cry. For no real reason but that I need to cry. Long hard sobs where I am gasping for breath and unable to speak. I do not know what is causing this giant hole I just know that I feel it and it is there.

I do not want to fall down the rabbit hole. I want to get back to the me I have been for the last while. I am sad. I am going to go and lock myself in my room and cry. I am sorry for being so depressive this evening when of late I have been on cloud 9. Hoping that this will pass soon.