Let The Proceedings Begin

19 years ago today the ex and I said ‘I do’.
We had been together 7 years already and he thought it was time to get married.
I went along for the ride although my heart was not really in it.
Not that I did not love him but I had sworn as a young girl I was never getting married after witnessing my parents marriage fall apart.
My reasoning was that if it ended there would be so much easier to walk away.
Within 6 weeks of my having said yes I was married.
This is also the year that my depression was first diagnosed.
Although it was before the marriage not after. 😂😂😂😂
We had good years and bad.
It was the way of any marriage only I was feeling stifled.
I was feeling unseen.
Disappearing into a mom/boss (at work)/wife there was no me any more.
My ex is not a bad man at all.
And he does his best to do right with me now.
When we were married I paid all the bills /loan/mortgage and he paid for groceries etc.
I was always stressed.
Slowly our marriage dissolved.
And then it ended.
We, he and I, have worked very hard to go from where we were when we split in 2016 to today 2021.
I can say he is one of my closest friends.
And I one of his depending on the month and the girlfriend. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
We can talk about everything and anything as well as co-parenting.
Today I have my first call with the lawyer.
To begin our divorce.
Talk about irony right there.
I am not going to lie I have cried a couple of times since making the phone appointment. 😢😢
This is the final little bit to making our lives totally separate.
It is an ending.
And endings are hard for anyone no matter how it comes about. 😞😞
©Sept. 14/21
Picture is my own

Why Care?

Heart on Sleeve
Tears in Eyes
Rain
Thunder Overhead
Lightening Streaks
Crack
Boom
Just like myself
falling away
falling down
lost in the rabbit hole
afraid
knew that this would happen
pull knees close
head down
see not the pain
the fear
that fills these eyes
go away
like you promised never to do
leave me behind
broken
yet again
for foolishly believing
that we would always be friends.
I am closed.
I am reserved.
There are reasons that it takes me so long
to warm up
open up
to let you deep within
for everyone leaves me
even when they whisper promises
promises that they won’t
promises that forever they will hold my hand
they will always be
there…..
I love wholeheartedly.
I have no middle ground.
When I open up
When I let you in
When I lay bare my soul before you
it is because I believe(d)
those tender words
that you would be different
that you would never leave.
©April 26/21
Picture is my own