Word of the day Challenge #93-Untitled Poem

Shattered
blood red tears
rending at clothes
at hair
at skin
gouging
nails slicing
anything to stop the pain.
I never lied about what I wanted.
I never lied about what I expected.
I never lied about what I was feeling.
I never lied at all.
What you see
is what you get
no more
no less.
This woman
standing
naked before you
baring soul
bitter past
fragile
vulnerable
patchwork quilt
scars
taped together with experience.
I knew
heart bleeding
I knew how dangerous
voices
screaming
kicked into silence
this would be.
I built an illusion.
I built a fantasy.
I built……
but one memory
how you held me
when I bared my truth
my past
like no other man has done.
©March 16/20
Picture found on Pinterest

Protector Anon

Desolate
grey rain
mimosa of grief
of pity
of ego hurt
mostly anger
not with you
but with myself.
Wrapped
clothed tight
black mourning cloth
wound round
tears escape
cotton borne
hide from all
cheerful mask
covers my pain.
Gutted
shattered
terms flow
expressing grief
vomiting forth
a sickened love poem
written in blood from hopeful heart
blackened with rot
hole where affections did lay
cast out
never more
shall I be allowed to hurt.
I swore the last was the last
only to be damned
to find myself falling once more.
Done
stay away
erected a fence
topped with shattered glass
barbed wire
hot electrical impulses
gun turret
all will make you run.
I am tired of this
of having to protect myself
over
over
over once more.
©Nov. 5/19
Picture via Pinterest

Protector

Once more
a fool I have been
allowing my heart
my hopes
to arise
to fill me
moron that I am.
One would think
nay
one who is smart
would know
to ignore the stubborn heart
those emotions
the feelings
remembering pain
anguish
when the heart broke anew
again
(and again
and again.)
Sitting here
sight blurred
veil of tears
aching
realizing
I have played my foolish game.
Allowing you behind the curtain
allowing you to see me
the one
hidden behind the public facade
none know the secrets I hide.
You made me
(make me)
feel safe.
I opened
(open)
myself to you.
Foolish woman I be.
Time has come
to be undone
to lock
throw away the key
protect myself
from…..
me.
©June 13/19
Picture via Pinterest

Day…..After Day

High above
stars paint the sky
dead pricks of light
incapable of producing wish fulfillment
no matter how much one hopes.
Fingers crossed
toes too
luck must come to me…..
I never broke a mirror.
I never walked beneath a ladder.
I found a four leaf clover.
Magic…..
right?
I loath to give up
to admit to defeat
that reality is the truth
there is no wonder left to discover.
No dancing under the waves.
No dancing above the clouds.
Grey
bleak
empty life
day…..
after day…..
after day.
Skies once colored rose and gold
a world full of joy
of beauty
I danced then
I spun dreams
believing
wanting the fairy tale ending.
Grey dust
empty husk
broken
shattered
day…..
after day…..
after day…..
til death do me part.
©June 10/19
Picture via Pinterest

Adrift

Daily 
she stood upon the widow’s walk
eyes straining to see
masts against the sky
her man coming home 
to her 
at last.
Like a wicked tale
storms
bedeviled ship
abandoned
floundering 
no where near here.
When at first 
the day did pass
no ship on the horizon
she worried not.
Now 
a decade later
she knew he was not coming home
he would never be back.
A heart can be broken
yet not accept the truth
tis easier  to ignore.
She bedecked herself
in garish make up
clown like 
her gown sparkling
with tiny glass pieces.
When found
picture in hand
they all agreed
finally now she had peace.
 
December 22/18
Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash

My Loss

It was not until today
that I realized
just how much I miss you.
Your smile
your words
your being
sitting
talking
with me.
You might think
my loss is desire
it is not.
My loss…..
no longer having someone believe in me
no longer having someone who loves me
no longer having someone who will fight for me
no longer having someone who feels like home.
I miss that feeling of happiness.
My bed
though king size
has become so wide
so large
I cannot find the end
the sides.
It has become the size
of three football fields.
The knowing
that someone is thinking of me
not day and night
every so often
I make them smile.
My loss…..
the man who made me smile
the man who made me happy
the man….
who knew my past
who knew my degradation
yet loved me still
despite the grey
the emotional curbs
he found in his way.
I cannot explain
why….
I feel connected.
Why….
I feel a depth.
Why….
I am willing to forgive
despite
all you have done.
You are not the only one
forgiveness should be paid
for too did I
strike out in my way.
I found a way
to rip you bare
using my words
my tongue
to cut you down.
To hate.
To love…..
oh hell
I am on my knees
begging you
please
can we not begin anew?
The ball bounces in your court
the ball it flicks passed me
what more can I do
what more can I say
I still want you.
December 17/18
Picture is one of my own.

Denial

Placid.
Stagnant.
Floating upon the scum of the pond
hair streaming
no cares
no feelings
numbness
all that I need.
With nothing
there is no pain
there is no fear
there is no acknowledging that past.
With nothing
I am blurred
I am stoned
I no longer seek to understand
who I am.
Why I am.
Broken child.
Halo bent.
Satan is waiting.
A lot of learning
yet to be done.
Yearning.
Please understand.
I hate myself.
I love myself.
I speak in tongues.
There is no real happiness
no reality
for denial is one.
Oct. 34/18
Photo by Velizar Ivanov on Unsplash