I am not exactly sure what is going on with me. At first I thought that I was morose. Than I looked up the definition and no that is not me. All I can say is I am feeling a little off. And it has not just been one day, no this has been going on since Monday.
Monday I slept in as late as I could before getting up and getting ready for work. I worked at 8 so what I really did was skip the workout, breakfast and coffee. So let’s put my mood down to that.
Tuesday. I got up at 5. Worked out, was ready to go before I even woke T up at 7. Yet still the feeling prevails.
I know something is off because truthfully, I am not my fun loving bubbly self at all. I can barely muster the energy to talk to customers at work.
I thought that as Monday and Tuesday were grey gloomy rain days, that that was all it was. I mean, T and me we fought again yesterday morning but now, I shrug my shoulders and lock myself in my bedroom. It was my fault for his shoes being wet as I made him walk home in the rain on Monday. Yep, evil mom that I am he had to walk home in the rain.
I can look for every excuse but there are none. I cannot explain what this feeling is other than off. I want to weep. I want to lay here cuddling my pillow and sob. But why? That my friends is the elusive question. I have no reason to be feeling down or sad. Work is great. My friends are great. T, well T is T. He is good when he wants to be and no so good when he doesn’t want to be.
My poetry is going well. I have no complaints there.
I want to cry. I want to be held while I cry. For no real reason but that I need to cry. Long hard sobs where I am gasping for breath and unable to speak. I do not know what is causing this giant hole I just know that I feel it and it is there.
I do not want to fall down the rabbit hole. I want to get back to the me I have been for the last while. I am sad. I am going to go and lock myself in my room and cry. I am sorry for being so depressive this evening when of late I have been on cloud 9. Hoping that this will pass soon.
Lies drip from your lips
believed as the truth
unable to see
the devious nature of yourself.
Satin shackles hold you in place
not able to see
you have the ability to be free.
Pull against the bonds of the past
see that the future is hazy
what is realized cannot be unsaid
now is all that exists.
He struts and prances
selling his wares
a snake oil salesman
with charm oozing from his hair.
Warm and pleasant
he will remember your name
your wives names (if you have more than one)
your children’s names (and who they belong to)
and even the family dog’s name.
He will take you for a walk
he will tell you what you need
by the end of the day
you will hand over the deed.
I watch him wheel and deal
and wonder how it is
that no one can see
the venomous viper
writhing beneath his skin.
Picture via: http://www.thesolutiontoaging.com/
It seemed so simple
those words that you spoke
telling me you would return
you would come back.
I believed you.
I waited an eon
marking every day
the rise and fall of the gentle tide
wishing upon each star I could find
to no avail.
becoming a living ghost
haunting the halls of my heart.
Something is just not right.
I know this because I sat here yesterday after cleaning my house, listening to country songs about great loves and happy endings. And I sobbed.
This morning, I ripped right into T as soon as he got up. Unleashed the tongue of death and completely ruined both of our days. He is in the bathroom crying and showering and I am drinking my coffee and crying.
I feel like a fraud. I am angry. I feel under-appreciated. I feel like I am the most selfish woman on the face of the planet to be bemoaning my petty little issues while people are facing larger ones on a daily basis. I just want all these feelings to stop. My heart hurts, my body hurts, everything hurts and I do not know what I have done to bring this on.
Because yes, I am falling down that rabbit hole again. And while at this point and time I seem to realize and know, I am unable to stop it.
Is it because it is Christmas? A time of good cheer and joy? A time where people blame me because we ran out of brussel sprouts, or the turkey just is not the right size. I will be worn down, facing the hoards with a smile on my face and joie de vie in my voice. When I get home, I will be numb, unable to talk to anyone, alone in my head.
All I really want to do is curl up in a little ball and hide. Maybe sleep a little longer. I cannot as I will not give into these feelings, but oh my god do I want to.
I bounce from one level to the next. Happy. Sad. Giddy with excitement for Christmas. Cringing because I have to face the hoards. There is no constant. Oh and the anger that hits me out of nowhere like a bolt of lightning. I have been here so many times and I know that a critical factor in this is the amount of pressure that I am putting on myself.
- Be a good mom
- Be a good boss
- Be a good employee
- Be happy
- Be perfect
- Do everything by the book
- Follow all the rules
- Have a kind word for everyone
- Smile more
- Pay the bills
- Be a good friend
Those are not in order. Except for the be a good mom. That is always at the top of my list and that there, is the one I fail at all the time. I want to be a great mom, one that T is going to hold up as his example to being a parent. But I will fall into the other category I am sure, how not to be like mom.
I also realize deep deep down, that when I come out of this, I will not feel this way. But today, right now I do. As we both cry, and I hold him close and apologize, I know that this is not the real me. That this shrew is a mish mash of shit that I am carting around. That my depression is making one hell of a play for my mind, and I will eventually climb my way free.
But today is going to be a shit day. A hard day. I would rather stay home and stew. Cry. Maybe stand under the shower and scream. Instead, I will stand up straight, paint a smile on my face, and I will pretend.
Pretend to be a good mom, boss, employee, human being. I will hide my tears and speak only of good things, sugar plums and dancing fairies.
And I will wait.
The way that I am feeling is in part a response to T crying for his dad last night.
For my inability to see beyond my own ego and knee jerk reaction of being hurt oh yeah that is a big factor.
Because I feel like such a fraud. That I am not really a good mom. I am not even a mediocre mom.
I come home from work, I make us dinner. I clean up, I get T’s lunch for the next day ready. I check to make sure everything has been taken out of his knapsack. Finally, I get to take my uniform off put my jammies on, wash my face and sit on the couch. T is on the computer as usual. I usually flip through Netflix throw something on and read or check messages on my phone.
I head to bed about 8:30, exhausted from my day. From being on all the time. From all the smiling and talking. I have nothing left to give to T but my kind indifference. I love him I do. I am not sure I am the right mom for him.
I want to be that mom who is there for everything. Who is able to stay home and care for her child and be there to volunteer at school. The mom who makes the arts and crafts projects that her child wants to make. Baking fresh cookies. Making dinner with all the four major food groups. But that is not the reality of my life.
My life is tiring. My anxiety is beginning to creep up again and I know why. The weather is changing so there is less sunlight. Less sunlight means less vitamin d. Less vitamin d leads to a plummet in my moods which even my meds cannot help to balance out. So I added vitamin d into my daily vitamin regime and am waiting for my energy to kick in at home. Not only during the eight hours that I am at work.
I am finding it more and more difficult to relate to T. His life is nerf guns and Scrap Mechanic. Watching videos of people playing videos. I do not know how to talk to him. I ask questions and bug for answers. He answers briefly before shutting me out. Again that is my fault.
So I need to change. Changing my behaviour will lead to a change in T’s behaviour. No more supper before the computer and t.v. Off the computer and electronics from 8:30-9 during which time T and me will play cards or talk about what is going on.
I cannot continue to follow this path. It is hurting me and hurting T. I want more than anything to be a mom that T knows loves him so much even if I cannot be and do all the things I want to for him. That is all.
Just that he knows I love him.