Shadowed Pain

Shadows creep
inching along
covering all in darkness
muffled sounds
groans
moans
shuddering in pain.
Not my pain
your pain
I see you on your knees
begging me
pleading with me
skeletal grimace
facade
molted smile
dank smoke rolls in.
Time has come
raw
fading in
fading out
dreams entailed
nightmares
ripped into your skin
tattooed
mouth creased in dismay.
I hear
you shriek
today is no less than tomorrow
shadowed woods
fogged graces
eerie it is
as I become shrouded darkness.
©March 26/20
Picture is my own

Scared Yet?

T and me we have this thing……previous posts have been written about this thing…..but tonight was the first time (LOL) that I realized it.
 
In the bathroom doing my thing. I hear nothing. I open the door and go to walk out and T is standing there. In his pickle costume 
 
Oh yeah, none of y’all know about the Pickle costume. For some bizarre reason T is infatuated with pickles. But not any type of pickle, his pickle. (LMAO I realize how that sounds.)
He actually has a book started called ‘The Life of Pickle. (I will transcribe and post at later date.) For Halloween he wanted to be a pickle and I actually found (well not me but I had mentioned to a co-worker who messaged me on a Saturday to tell me she had found a Pickle costume at  Wal-mart.) I ran to Wal-mart and found the costume. You should have seen the expression on his face when I came home and surprised him with it. (As an aside there were three little sayings on this costume…..I did not realize….1) I am kinda a big Dill  2) Sweet Pickle and  3) Tickle my Pickle. Let me tell you #3 was cut off the costume.) 
 
I realize you are going what does this have to do with your thing? What is your thing?
 
We love to scare one another. And we do it well.
 
When I came out of the bathroom tonight I screamed bloody murder. T has also scared the hell out of me by popping up behind me wrapped in his blanket no head while I was looking in the fridge. My revenge was to tell him that there was no one in the storage room unless the dude I had tied up under my bed had escaped. That horrified him.
 
So we have had a two day scare period. 
 
Last night I am in T’s room in the dark hanging up his laundry. He had gone into the living room for something. Had no idea that I was in his room. As he walked in I said something to him about hanging his clothes up. He shrieked because I scared him. I was bent over laughing.
 
Second time I think he almost threw the pop at me he had in his hand.
 
Let us move to me……coming out of the bathroom…..and seeing the pickle…….I screamed…..thank goodness upstairs neighbors are visiting family otherwise I am sure the RCMP would have been called.
 
After I screamed I began laughing. (I love being scared) and T’s response was ‘Ha I am getting you back for yesterday.’
 
I scare a lot of people. I sorta kinda just suddenly appear where you never thought that I would be. I have caused co-workers to jump. I am silent. I am ninja like. My mom has compared me to a wraith. T has inherited that behaviour. I am sure that the next few years are going to be fun. And given that he will soon be a teenager sleeping a hundred hours a day, I will find ample opportunity to scare the hell out of him. As he will to me.
 
And we will laugh and laugh and giggle after the screaming stops. 
 
***No children or mothers were hurt during this scaring episode.***

Infinite

I listen
hear what you really are saying
under the words you speak
the emotions
the pleasing
is there for all to see.
So similiar
in more ways that we can count
it is scary
it is exhilirating
when two can become as one.
There are rules
there are guidelines to be followed
if this shall ever be
an abiding love
for all eternity.

Crazy

I became lost in the sense of you
the smell of you
the desire of you
the feel of you
only to watch you walk away
leaving me empty and alone.
Pain
heartache so intense
laying on the floor
tears seep
soaking my face
my hair
I try to come to terms
with my new existence
my life without you.
My mania reared its ugly head
insanity
voices tearing me apart
despite my best efforts
to choke it
to keep it hidden
my crazy will always out.

Downtrodden

Photo by Ben Koorengevel on Unsplash

Shhhhhhhhh……….

he might hear us

he might condemn

do not let him near.

Be careful.

His thoughts are not ours

his anger

his whiteness

is not the world’s truth.

Stand tall

speak your mind

do not allow him to rape

the cosmos that he feels he owns.

Do not allow him to destroy.

Rebel

stand up

do not let him crown himself king.

Rebel

speak loud

or forever shall we kneel

before the false prophet.

 

 

 

 

I have(n’t) Got This

I guess that I should have known something was up with me. I reset my alarm 5x this morning. From 5, 5:15, 6, 6:30, 7 and finally 7:30. Got up because I had to be at work for 9. And I still have not made my bed. I made coffee took my meds and jumped into the shower. I figured that it was a little bit of the hormones acting up and who knows, maybe tomorrow this will all just seem like a torturous nightmare. I ate breakfast text my good mornings and headed off to work.
I found out that insurance was not going to top up my pay. That with my going back to work 6 hours a day next week, it was considered to be a full return to work. Which means I now have to go back full time much sooner that I thought. For the next two weeks (beginning April 30th) I will work 6 hours and use my holiday time to top me up. 20 hours of holiday time used. And than back full time on May 14th.
I feel completely alienated. Neither staff nor other supervisors seem happy that I am back. And I am feeling it. I am excluded from conversations so I keep myself busy. Yet today it really hit home. Not that I want them inside my real life but I have to work with these people and not a one (I lie one has made me feel that she is glad I am back) has made me feel like I am welcome. I have been fine with it while I am only working 4 hours because it is so easy to go in and leave.
Going in for 8 hours is a totally different story. My boss and I have not even sat down to discuss what I am going to be doing.
After getting the news today, I sucked it up. I plastered a smile on my face and went about my morning. Keeping myself busy, helping customers. Than I went for my break and sent a message to K. Told her what was going to happen and began to cry. Well not cry, but my eyes were leaking. I sucked it up and went upstairs to make sure that I did not look like I had been crying. Than back to work and finished off my shift.
Now though, I cannot stop crying. I do not know that I can do this. I realize that I have no choice in the matter at this point because the company that has been paying for my benefits, is not the company we are now with. So I would have to reapply and I have not been paying into these benefits long enough. I would give anything right now to have someone who would just hold me and let me cry.
I do not know that I am strong enough to withstand this.
I admit that on the way home from the city I wanted to stop and get wine. Right now I want to numb myself so I do not feel afraid. So alone. I won’t because I have more pride in myself than that. I have come this far. And I will be damned if I am going to let a job pull me under. Make me doubt everything that I have worked so hard for.
Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow I will suck it up and plaster a smile on my face. I will pretend that all is well. I will not allow these people to get under my skin. I will not give away my power.
I am a strong and wonderful woman. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am confident. And fuck man, I have got this shit!

Better Days

Lost in the malestorm

sucked down the eddy

braving bleak thoughts

seeking always that peace.

Knowing that there will be a day;

when the pain,

the angst,

will no longer be in control.

Days when I shall see the sunshine,

hear my own laughter

and not be crippled 

by anxiety and depression.

Those are the goods days.

The ones I cling to.

For when that blackness enshrouds;

I remember that there

will always be 

a better day coming back to me.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

August 27/17