This intricate dance we have.
Ten steps back for every one forward.
When it comes to our hearts,
to our fears.
You pull me close
whispering tenderness in my hair,
making my heart weep
for I know that this shall not last.
With certainty you will break before me.
Cold remorse and steel tears
as you tell me that it cannot be done;
that my shadows are too much.
You think that I know this not?
I have lived with these inky images
wrapped around my soul
for eternity without reprieve.
As you kneel before me,
my hands in your hair,
your weeping so soft
the barest of sound that I cannot hear.
The shadows have won.
For once more I am alone.
Oct. 21 2017
Each step forward is a struggle.
It feels as though I am wading
wading through life, emotions
without truly connecting.
You ask me if I am okay,
I can see your mouth moving
and I am fairly certain,
certain that I give the standard answer
the one that says ‘I am alright.’
Look a little closer
and you will see;
the tears in my eyes
the fear that I will be discovered as false.
The shattered loneliness I dwell in
all the time.
The black shadows reach forth
capturing me in their fingers
I struggle to break free
only to become submerged again.
I do know that not a lot of people remember their dreams. And I admit that my own dreams are often vague and odd. However there have been a few times where I have had dreams that I remember years later.
First time: I was like nineteen and dreaming about Hawkeye and BJ from M.A.S.H. I was nineteen in 1991, M.A.S.H. had been off the air for nine years. It was not even as though I was watching reruns as I was sharing an apartment downtown on Hargrave St. with two roommates. We did not even have a television. (Total story for another time) And that dream segued into a dream about my first love at the age of fourteen.
Second time: I had an amazing dream. It had to do with witches, a magic spell book, terror and every time I woke up, I fell right back into the dream when I fell back to sleep. Ogres appeared and Kings and Mages. When I awoke to get ready for work, I was pumped. I had dreamed the entire book. Within fifteen minutes it was gone. Devastated I was. When is anyone ever going to dream a dream like that??????
Third time: Last July. I was brutally sick. I staggered into work at 5:30 a.m. and begged the poor girl who I was training to please work for me. I had my head on the table falling back asleep as she was asking me questions. Summer and here I was wearing a sweater and a jacket. Next day she asked if she could step down. I was horrified but oh man was I ever sick.
I came home and between 6:15 a.m. when I crawled back into bed and until around 4:30 a.m. the next Saturday, I slept the sleep of the ill and dead. M brought me Tylenol, I crawled up the stairs and opened the door, she covered her mouth, dropped the tablets into my hand and ordered me back to bed. There were no dreams.
Until 4:30 a.m. (I actually woke myself up screaming) I had been reading a book in which Shadows played a huge part. No longer remember the book. Also to set the scene, I have had several dreams in which all the light bulbs are blown. No matter which lights I tried, every single one was burned out and there was not a bulb to be found anywhere. (If anyone knows what it means that all lights have burned out with no replacements please let me know. I looked it up on-line and there is no explanation.) I am in a castle. The sky is black, sharp slashes of lightening spearing the air, giving just enough light. Wicked winds blow through, my hair and cloak blinding me. My fingers find a switch and flick it. Nothing. Another slash of lightening. And I realize I am being followed.
For within the darkness shadows lurk. I have a staff. When I swing out the staff passes through the shadow and it dissipated. So while this inspired me and I swung this way and that, more shadows crowded in. And there was no damn light bulb to be found. At all, anywhere. Than I made a startling discovery. First one was that the staff I thought I was carrying, turned out to be my curtain rod from the living room. The second realization (there was still a lot of animosity at this time) was that the shadows actually were not attacking me. They were after my ex. Who it turns out was also in my dream. The castle was dilapidated. Every shard of lightening showed me that. And I still could not find a damn light.
Let us now fast forward approximately ten months. Within the last two weeks, I have begun to dream. Nothing substantial, nothing that I even remember. During the day a small flash may come to me but not enough to piece the dream together. And than this morning. I awoke at 6 a.m. and it was close to 7 before I fell back to sleep. But when I did, I had a dream. A dream about all the damn light bulbs being burned out.
While a great part of me is excited that I am finally dreaming/remembering my dreams again, there is a part that is scared. Once, my dreams were full of me loosing my teeth. Horrible dreams those were. They have since been replaced by dreams of no light anywhere, and I have to admit, that scares me more than my lips sinking in as my teeth fall out.
Back to the wall
shadows creeping in closer
watching the covered figure sleep.
She slides down the wall
tears seeping unbidden.
Restless, the figure stirs, mumbling in its sleep
the words indistinguishable beneath the sighs
Tossing and turning sudden sounds of fear
and still she watches.
The blackness begins to creep throughout the room
covering the figure on the bed
The woman stands trying to claw her way free
but there is to be no release.
Bowing her head she gives into the shadows
allowing the feelings of hatred, despair
loathing and disregard for her well being
To find the toe holds and chinks in the armour.
The figure on the bed turns, and she beholds herself
wrapped in a cocoon of black shadows
of feelings so strong, so torrential
and still unbidden tears do seep.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen February 2017