Watcher

Silent
stalking shadows
enveloped in blackness
moving through the streets.
Watching
peering
unconcerned with being seen
watcher of the night.
Dancing with the devil
a tune only I can play
mesmerized
candle flame upon the blade.
Leaning over
watching him sleep
breath
knowing
one slice
blood spurting
torment
pain
rage
all gone.
I have his life
held within my hands
making the choice
decision
should I let him live?
Or make him go?
Sept. 26/18
Picture via: https://www.deviantart.com/bassqee/art/Return-of-the-bloody-girl-30-168751140

Spirits

Crimson lips
dipped in poison
whisper pious words.
Head bent forward
prayer of supplication
no need to fear.
Cross to bear
my own.
Hatred to shed
yours.
Unsure if I am able to go forward
without the abuse of your dead.
Walking amongst the forgotten
fingers trailing
whisping frost
disintergrating
from my warm touch.
Each spirit I stroke
echoes  a plea
‘let me go’.
I look to release them
from this plane.
Forgiveness is not required.
I see thickened strands
black shadows
acting as shackles
keeping them close to me.
With a single thought
I unlock each one
allowing the spirits to flee.
Sept. 7/18
Photo by Michael Weidner on Unsplash

Alone

This intricate dance we have.

Ten steps back for every one forward.

When it comes to our hearts,

to our fears.

You pull me close

whispering tenderness in my hair,

making my heart weep

for I know that this shall not last.

With certainty you will break before me.

Cold remorse and steel tears

as you tell me that it cannot be done;

that my shadows are too much.

You think that I know this not?

I have lived with these inky images

wrapped around my soul

for eternity without reprieve.

As you kneel before me,

my hands in your hair,

your weeping so soft

the barest of sound that I cannot hear.

The shadows have won.

For once more I am alone.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Oct. 21 2017

I am alright

Each step forward is a struggle.

It feels as though I am wading

wading through life, emotions

without truly connecting.

You ask me if I am okay,

I can see your mouth moving

and I am fairly certain,

certain that I give the standard answer

the one that says ‘I am alright.’

Look a little closer

and you will see;

the tears in my eyes

the fear that I will be discovered as false.

The shattered loneliness I dwell in

all the time.

The black shadows reach forth

capturing me in their fingers

I struggle to break free

only to become submerged again.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

August 23/17

Dreams

I do know that not a lot of people remember their dreams. And I admit that my own dreams are often vague and odd. However there have been a few times where I have had dreams that I remember years later.

First time: I was like nineteen and dreaming about Hawkeye and BJ from M.A.S.H.  I was nineteen in 1991, M.A.S.H. had been off the air for nine years. It was not even as though I was watching reruns as I was sharing an apartment downtown on Hargrave St. with two roommates. We did not even have a television. (Total story for another time) And that dream segued into a dream about my first love at the age of fourteen.

Second time: I had an amazing dream. It had to do with witches, a magic spell book, terror and every time I woke up, I fell right back into the dream when I fell back to sleep. Ogres appeared and Kings and Mages. When I awoke to get ready for work, I was pumped. I had dreamed the entire book. Within fifteen minutes it was gone. Devastated I was. When is anyone ever going to dream a dream like that??????

Third time: Last July. I was brutally sick. I staggered into work at 5:30 a.m. and begged the poor girl who I was training to please work for me. I had my head on the table falling back asleep as she was asking me questions. Summer and here I was wearing a sweater and a jacket. Next day she asked if she could step down. I was horrified but oh man was I ever sick.

I came home and between 6:15 a.m. when I crawled back into bed and until around 4:30 a.m. the next Saturday, I slept the sleep of the ill and dead. M brought me Tylenol, I crawled up the stairs and opened the door, she covered her mouth, dropped the tablets into my hand and ordered me back to bed. There were no dreams.

Until 4:30 a.m. (I actually woke myself up screaming) I had been reading a book in which Shadows played a huge part. No longer remember the book. Also to set the scene, I have had several dreams in which all the light bulbs are blown. No matter which lights I tried, every single one was burned out and there was not a bulb to be found anywhere. (If anyone knows what it means that all lights have burned out with no replacements please let me know. I looked it up on-line and there is no explanation.) I am in a castle. The sky is black, sharp slashes of lightening spearing the air, giving just enough light. Wicked winds blow through, my hair and cloak blinding me. My fingers find a switch and flick it. Nothing. Another slash of lightening. And I realize I am being followed.

For within the darkness shadows lurk. I have a staff. When I swing out the staff passes through the shadow and it dissipated. So while this inspired me and I swung this way and that, more shadows crowded in. And there was no damn light bulb to be found. At all, anywhere. Than I made a startling discovery. First one was that the staff I thought I was carrying, turned out to be my curtain rod from the living room. The second realization (there was still a lot of animosity at this time) was that the shadows actually were not attacking me. They were after my ex. Who it turns out was also in my dream. The castle was dilapidated.  Every shard of lightening showed me that. And I still could not find a damn light.

Let us now fast forward approximately ten months. Within the last two weeks, I have begun to dream. Nothing substantial, nothing that I even remember. During the day a small flash may come to me but not enough to piece the dream together.  And than this morning. I awoke at 6 a.m. and it was close to 7 before I fell back to sleep. But when I did, I had a dream. A dream about all the damn light bulbs being burned out.

While a great part of me is excited that I am finally dreaming/remembering my dreams again, there is a part that is scared. Once, my dreams were full of me loosing my teeth. Horrible dreams those were. They have since been replaced by dreams of no light anywhere, and I have to admit, that scares me more than my lips sinking in as my teeth fall out.

Unbidden Tears

Back to the wall

shadows creeping in closer

watching the covered figure sleep.

She slides down the wall

tears seeping unbidden.

Restless, the figure stirs, mumbling in its sleep

the words indistinguishable beneath the sighs

Tossing and turning sudden sounds of fear

and still she watches.

The blackness begins to creep throughout the room

covering the figure on the bed

The woman stands trying to claw her way free

but there is to be no release.

Bowing her head she gives into the shadows

allowing the feelings of hatred, despair

loathing and disregard for her well being

To find the toe holds and chinks in the armour.

The figure on the bed turns, and she beholds herself

wrapped in a cocoon of black shadows

of feelings so strong, so torrential

and still unbidden tears do seep.

 

©Jay-lyn Doerksen February 2017