I could have Cried

I was not going to put a warning here but do not want to kill off my male readers with shock.
I discuss female anatomy.
I give it a personality.
If easily offended just skip that paragraph.
Otherwise enjoy.
216 days.
7 months and 6 days sober.
Gonna admit that my coffee intake has tripled since quitting but that is neither here nor there.
But not feeling like death warmed over?
Not remembering what time I fell into bed?
And did I do something embarrassing?
I was a shit mom when I was drinking.
I mean I joked with him and laughed but I was not present with him.
It kills me when I think of it.
Which I don’t do often.
Not because I am weak but because T and I have made our peace.
But when I do think about it I cringe and hate myself all over again.
I say again because I spent many years hating myself.
I took pills and drank to get away from me.
Now I am me.
No pills.
No booze.
Just little old me.
And I can hate my behaviour.
Ha that came to me as I was typing.
In re to ‘the hating myself again’ that is wrong it is the behaviour I hated.
I have changed the behaviour.
Today was the day.
Went in for the lovely ladies day at the doctor’s.
Which included getting my liver function tested.
I had the blood work taken last Thursday.
Everything checked.
And because I had quit drinking the liver test.
I kept telling myself that if something was seriously wrong I would have heard already.
If I was dying they would not let me come alone to the office would they?
I was scared.
I not only drank heavily but took Tylenol 1’s for a very long time.
With alcohol.
Without.
So while not dwelling on my results I have gone with the no news is good news adage.
Half an hour late into my appointment and I had been sitting in the little naked gown we all get.
On my phone texting.
What else do you do in the exam room while waiting these days?
You text people and tell them you are naked!
Like they really want to know but it is fun for me.
Lots of different responses to that one.
Finally in comes my doctor.
We have not had a face to face in nearly 3 years.
He has gone grey on the back of his head.
And as I sit there we go over my list of things I wanted looked at/discussed.
And the blood work.
Cholesterol level is a little bit high.
But there is really nothing I can do because it is the good cholesterol.
It is the high one.
Hemoglobin is good.
Liver numbers are a little high but in the normal range.
And as long as I continue to not drink it will heal.
Went through the other end of it too.
Ladies the legs in the air time.
Well apparently my cervix wandered.
Who the hell thought their cervix would just up and decide to vanish?
Finally found turns out she was feeling a little shy.
I came home and it wasn’t until I was standing in the living room that it hit me.
A wave of relief that lead to tears.
I had figuratively been holding my breath.
I had done so much damage to my liver how could it be anything but not great?
To hear that I was good well here come the tears a bit as I write.
Every day I move forward I realize that there is so much more I need to live.
There is so much more that I need to learn.
There is so much more that I need to teach.
That I want to teach.
Once I have learned it.
Which will be never because no one masters life.
We grow and learn.
Forever changing.
That my friends I think is what life is.
Have a great weekend everyone.
This is what T and I had for brunch today. Chocolate and Almond Granola with Extra Creamy Vanilla Bean Yogurt (13% protein) and strawberries.wp-16137804928604942111475614242658.jpg
Awesome that is all I am going to say.
©Feb. 19/21
Photos are my own

Week at a Glance

I must apologize the well has run dry.
What I have here is just a general recap of my week.
And the zany and bizarre that have crossed/entered my orbit.
This is my week with T.
Who is not very happy that mom suddenly is expecting more from him.
More chores done.
More stepping up and if supper is not started (and I don’t expect him to go that far…..yet) at least take the meat out of the freezer.
T: Mom do we really need to have meat? I could just make a pack of rice.
I am loving loving loving what I am now doing at work.
I have sore legs.
Sore thighs.
Sore arms.
Am tired when I get home from work.
In a really good way.
In the last two days (Wed & Thur) I walked 19 km.
19 km.
I have also been asked more than once if I am still enjoying what I am doing.
Me: If we lived in a city where personal shoppers were a thing. That is absolutely what I would be doing. I love the idea of shopping for others.
Embarrassed T this week.
It was just the two of us.
I understand that there are those who are going to raise an eyebrow…..I was laughing so hard I was crying.
Discussion on puberty (not even sure how it started)
Me: So do you have armpit hair yet?
T (scandalized): No and I would not tell you.
Me: What about your dad?
T: Only if he is dead drunk. Otherwise he will tell Papa and grandma and they will tease me.
Me: What about your first pubic hair? Are you going to tell him then?
T: Mom no. I am not telling either of you. You would do something I know it.
Me: Oh so no throwing a party when you get one? A cake in the shape with a single candle? You would not like that? I swear it would just be us I would not tell anyone. 
Other than everyone on my blog who is reading this.
T: Well if we are doing that than of course I want J here.
I understand the hilarity does not come through it was probably one of those had to be there situations but it was priceless.
T (a little after above conversation): Does this mean I am not getting any cake mom? ‘Cause now I would really like cake.
And not to brag or nothing but 146 days sober.
And believe it or not I am not missing it.
Do not miss the fuzzy hungover feeling.
Do not miss the taking three days to recover.
Do not miss the lack of money which I faced due to drinking.
It has been a change.
And I can hardly believe that it has been nearly 5 months.
I did grab a 6 of Pepsi yesterday.
I had cut out drinking pop awhile back.
I needed something though.
A little more than water.
Came home.
Arm load of groceries.
Ex waiting for car.
Could not (the ex) figure out why I parked in the parking lot instead of pulling up in front of my door.
I could not comprehend what he was talking about.
The connection was not made lol
I admit my brain was foggy.
Nagged at T about chores not being done.
Changed.
Put ice in a tall glass.
Poured the Pepsi over listening to the ice pop and the crinkle of the glass filling up.
Sat down.
Took a long sip.
Exhaled.
Relaxed.
Without alcohol.
Bedtime the last couple of nights has been at a really early time.
Wednesday night I made it to just after 9.
Thursday night I barely made 8:30.
Was falling asleep on the couch so I went to bed.
T to be in bed lights out at 10.
I woke up to go to bathroom and T’s lights are still on.
T.V. going.
Poke my head into his room.
Me: That’s it T t.v. off and lights out. I am not impressed.
(I was right groggy in defense)
T: Why?
Me: Because it is bedtime!
T: Mom it is not even 10 yet.
Leaned in and peered at the clock on the stove (no glasses on) and it was only 9:48.
Oooooooops.
There is a demented girl/woman strolling my brain.
She has appeared briefly in my last few poems.
Subtle really.
But she is there.
I am not quite sure where we are going.
She has something to tell me but right now she is getting settled.
Taking over a part of my mind.
So whether a poem or a tale to be told am not sure.
That’s all folks for now.
I really am hoping that Demented is going to start talking soon as she is crowding out everything else.
Have a fabulous Friday folks.
And a wonderful weekend.
©Dec. 11/20
Picture is my own