Sorry

I wonder as I lay here
why do I do this?
Allow hope to enter my heart
when I know true
you are gone from me.
Wishing
butterflies in the stomach
maybe
you do want?
As I do?
Never shall I say anything
my words
stuttered
shuttered
tripping over stunted tongue
drop my eyes
so you do not see
do not understand
this kills me.
I suppose this is good bye.
I want you to be happy.
Eventually
time will tell
scars
memories
everything
fading
no longer painful.
What I would give
to feel your arms once more
to see the light in your eyes
to feel safe……
I’m sorry.
December 19/18

Flawless

I like to believe that I have no flaws
that I can get through my day without tripping
without stealing away
to drug my thoughts, my pain.
I suck them back with greed
they calm the beast within
and I cannot tell
I cannot send him running
I do not have the strength.
7,10 at a time
anything to obliviate
this heart of mine.
I feel too much
I love too hard
I try to make it all right
for everyone
but myself.
This pain that I fight
I have no idea where it comes from
I only know that this is not the right way
as I flush the pills
once again.
I need help,
I need assistance,
I am not as strong as I make myself out to be.
I hold my hand out
a silent plea.
Do not judge my sins,
hold me and aide me,
for it killed me to admit this.
Jay-lyn Doerksen
Dec. 3/17