My Fault

I first saw him
standing along the shoreline
quiet contemplation
handsome brow
lean physique.
I slowly walked by
furtitive glances from beneath my lashes
wondering if he noticed me
at all?
I found the courage
the ability to say hello
though my voice cracked
my hands trembled
I stuttered over my tongue.
We talked
listened
heard the stories
each had to tell
so smart
intelligent
caring
he had me fooled.
Waters painted golden
blood red
by the setting sun
he turned to me
tender smile….
pushing me back
he ripped my clothing
telling me it was all my fault.
With tears on my cheeks
I stared beyond his heaving shoulder
my infatuation destroyed
savaged
murdered
as the misdeed went on.
Sept. 20/18
Photo by Kat J on Unsplash
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Protection

The mighty oak

tall

straight

reaching for sunny skies

never changing

never bending

always a beacon for the storm.

The gentle willlow

sweeping the ground

supple

lissome

bending

as the storm rages on.

I have the strength

the determination of an oak

to withstand pain

to stand tall

facing the storm

as I am pelted with rain and hail.

Twist and turn

accept

know

that despite my strength

I need to bend

like the willow

to protect myself

to keep safe

this heart

that I am holding out to you.

 

Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash

Within

I once was lost

yet now I am found

for within

a strength resides.

Blackness has reigned

demons gorging

breeding

upon my self-consciousness.

Death grip strangles

tears fall unchecked

abyss at my toes;

heart in tatters

where do I go?

From within

determination.

From within

love.

From within

confidence.

From within

dreams to be followed.

What I sought

has been found

Independence is mine.

Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash

Darwin

Photo by Ali Yahya on Unsplash

***I wrote this back in April and than put it away after sharing with K & DD. Decided to dust it off and put it here for you to read.***

I lay chained to the bed, hungry, thirsty,

This room is disgusting. The bed I was laying on had not seen clean sheets in about a hundred years. Dust bunnies rolled around the floor with the slightest breeze. I had been left to stew in my own juices. Literally. I had not been allowed to go to the bathroom. The first time that I wet myself, I was humiliated. I had tried to hold it for as long as I could. But the pressure had become too much and I peed.

I heard the door open and turned my head as far as the collar allowed me to. My hair was greasy, lank and fell across my face. It took him ten steps to cross the room from the door. I know because I have counted those steps time and time again. He sat on the edge of the bed causing it to dip. And sighed.

“Shaene why must you defy me? This would be so much easier if you would listen to me. I would put you out of your misery. Rather than you laying here, degraded, less than an animal.”

I was not the hot house flower he took me to be. I knew that if I spoke to him, if I begged him or pleaded with him to let me go, the torture would begin. When I had first awoken, groggy and head throbbing from the drug Darwin had used to sedate me, I had screamed myself hoarse. Darwin had stood over top of me, eyes gleaming as he had drawn the knife across my breast.

The cut had burned like it was on fire. Later I would learn that he coated his blade with kerosene to make it more painful. But that was later. I screamed as lightning flared in my breast bucking on the bed, trying to get away. When the drug cleared my system I realized it was futile. I was chained and collared.

I  quickly learned that Darwin needed  to hear me scream, to hear me beg. When I did not it  dampened his desire to kill. If I did not respond to his slashes and pinches and pricks he would become frustrated. I went away during those times, hiding in the deep recesses of my mind. I am very very good at that.

“Shaene what would make you succumb to me? What is going to make you give me the pleasure that I need?”

Darwin was a handsome man. 6’3” tall. Shaggy blonde hair. Piercing blue eyes that sucked you in. Made you lose yourself in them. His voice was a warm southern drawl that I had melted to when I listened to him speak. Now though it was not so melty making, more like I was getting really annoyed.

“When are you going to feed me? I am getting a little hungry here.” my voice was cold, flat.

“When are you going to beg me to release you?” I heard the frustration in his voice.

“I am not. Do you still have my cell phone?”

“Yes, it is useless though, I turned it off before we got here. No one is going to ride to your rescue.”

“I am not expecting anyone to. I just thought that maybe you could order me dinner from one of my favorite restaurants.”

My head rocked from the force of his blow. I bit my lip, blood flooding my mouth, The collar rubbed against the abrasion that was forming. I bit my lip harder, drawing the blood into my mouth and swallowing it. I breathed once, twice and a third time to still my wildly beating heart.

“I brought you water. No food, water only.”

“You aren’t so sexy any more Darwin, now that I can see the monster behind the mask.”

“Most of my girls have not lasted this long. And Shaene you will break. I will have you screaming and begging for release.”

He held the straw to my lips, and I sucked in as many sips as I could before he stood to walk away. I knew that he stood in the doorway, staring at my body. His desire arose from the designs he wanted to draw on me. With a knife. Dipped in kerosene.

I have been here for three days. Laying in my filth. Smelling my unwashed body and urine. Stale, and greasy with fear. I swallowed it when Darwin was around because it would send him spiraling, Reality was, even though I went away when he began to ply his little tricks, I knew that soon I would give out. And when I did, I would be dead. After he played his games with me.

The windows were covered with plywood. No nosy neighbors who would accidentally look in and see me. I had tried to pull my wrists free from the shackles that held them, to no avail. I could do nothing but lay there. Waiting. And waiting some more.

I could see the room begin to shift shades. From black to a slightly less dark shade of black. Morning was dawning which meant that this was day 4 of captivity for me. I was getting just a little annoyed when I heard the keys scrape into the lock.

The door flew open and I heard a gasp.

“Shaene?”

“Where the hell have you been? Seriously?”

The fetters were released and I swung my legs over the side of the bed. The room spun dizzily and Matti put her arm around me. She recoiled slightly from the smell of me but as my best friend, she kept her body close to mine in reassurance.

“Where is he?”

“Laid out in the living room. I zapped him with the cattle prod. Twice that should keep him down for a bit. Or at least until we get him in the car. Than the shot.”

“Awesome. Where the hell are my clothes? And is there a working shower in this pit?”

Fifteen minutes later Matti and me were in the car. I was freshly showered shoveling the donuts she had brought me into my mouth. The smell of coffee brought tears to my eyes and I swiftly drank some down. Darwin made a little noise and Matti jabbed him with the sedative. It had taken both of us to maneuver him into the wheelchair and over the ragged grass. Both of us thankful for those classes we had taken at the gym.

*********************************************************************************When Darwin opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was my face. His arms were pulled tight above his head. His legs spread wide and shackled with chains. I was much nicer than he had been, I did not collar him. At least not yet.

As he groggily came to, his eyes widened in surprise and he stared at me dumbfounded.

“Hello Darwin, now it is time for us to play.”

Beautifully Imperfect

I thought I was broken
a marionette without strings
slumped on the floor
body in distress.
As I lay there
tears falling like rain to the floor
I find within me
resides this strength
that I had never felt before.
Tentitavely I probe it
afraid that I will be shocked
nothing happens
I crawl forward
amazed at what I have found.
I struggle to sit up
strings not required
I can climb to my feet
and seek my desires.
No longer broken
for I have begun to reconstruct
becoming who I am…..
beautifully imperfect.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
March 1/18

Inner Strength

No one ever saw the tears that fell
no one ever saw her sorrow
no one knew the pain inside
for she would never acknowledge.
She was strong for herself
she steeled her heart
she stood tall
she braved the wicked waves
with a glint in her eye.
When the bedroom door closed
and all are asleep
she curled within
letting the pain seep.
She had to be strong for herself
no one else would be
she had to stand tall
show the world she would not cry.
Behind doors fastened shut
emotions contained were let loose
and she felt……
the pain
the fear
the anguish
the anger
the hate.
Screams that were stifled
by day
were released at night.
She felt.
She felt it all.
She fell to her knees
for strength only goes so far
until it becomes too much
and strength is not enough any more.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
May 26/18
Photo by MMPR on Unsplash

Believe

Coffee wafts through the air
senses becoming alert
no time to feel despair
no time to stop and relate
life is such a busy state
never a chance to recall
the missed times of childhood late.
Love
Misery
Divorce
Life
Reboot
Recall
Re-love?
Sunshine and swing sets
parks and long walks
children laughing
corn fattening
this is what memories play.
Work
Bills
Lawyers
Alcohol
Drugs
Fall
Get up
Give up
Come clean
Reconnect
Re-dream?
Cabin in the summer rain
war played on the carpet
memories that do explain
all about happiness.
I am not as lost as I feel to be
I am not as unfounded
ungrounded as I view myself. 
Within me lays the strength of the Titans
Within me lays the power to be
Within me lays the well of hope
all I need to do is believe. 
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
April 29/18