Happiness is a step away

Well.  Me. My depression. Feeling, knowing when I have broken through the wall and I am beginning to be better. To be more alive, more in touch, more present. I can pin point the day that it happened. Last Tuesday, March 7th. I woke up and I felt good. Not weepy. Not sad. I am not saying that I bounced out of bed, but I was awake before the alarm went off. In the last little while that has not been the case. I have pushed my sleeping time to the max so I can escape.

But here I was, raring to go. And I went. In a storm. I dare say I may have cursed us when I had happened to mention that we had had three months of bad 10% Tuesdays I hoped that wouldn’t happen this time. And what happened? A blizzard blew in. At times we couldn’t even see the highway from the store. I was trying to send people home, calling people off, and yet I was not stressed. I was not feeling pressured, I felt…..dare I say energized.

Wednesday is an early day for me. I have to be at work for 5:30. Drop T off at the sitter’s for 5:15 a.m. and in I go. But I woke up before the alarm.  I showered. I put on a little bit of make up. And to make it even better, I had made T’s lunch the night before so all I had to do was pack his bag. So who is totally rocking it? I get to work and it goes really really well. Except that the alarm kept going off. Like every 2 minutes. There I am counting the tills and all I can hear is beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, but after the 15th time of turning the alarm off I was done. It could squeal as much as it wanted I was ignoring it.

Deep breaths I can do this. And I do. I must have shut that stupid alarm off another approximately 20x Wednesday morning but it was okay. I got my shit done and the day progressed beautifully. But now, now we have the dreaded dental appointment in the afternoon. T requires 4 fillings. So I made appointments one when he was with me and one with his dad. Fair is fair. He mind you has been counting down, excited to get fillings. I don’t understand but hey…..he is 8. We are on our way having an awesome conversation which is sooooooo gonna be another blog and we get there and have to wait.

As an aside I should tell you we brought his stuffie Cayman with us and his blanket from home. They had netflix on the t.v. and his chair massaged him as they did the work. He was a champion. Did not flinch did not cry he was amazing. And they talked him through it. Mom on the other hand did cry.

My week ended with the bf coming out on Friday. And we had several interesting conversations. Like how he knew I was feeling better because my house had been tidied and I had picked up. I was much easier to get along with, not quite so negative. And my eyes blinked very rapidly. My eyes only blink very rapidly when I am trying to process the fact that someone made a comment to me or about me that I cannot even fathom they would say to me. But he did.

We made up. But my story continues. Not to bore you but I am still doing okay. I am feeling good about myself about my writing about my friends and family. I am no longer a raging lunatic. A small sized shrew of a lunatic, but not raging…..laughing at that. My boss and my co-workers have been amazing. My family and friends have stood there waiting for me to come back from the brink. And I am sure they are breathing a desperate sigh of relief. My desire to write and create is returning. I think I will be good. I will never again believe that I will not got through another depressive episode but next time it might be caught quicker and mitigate the damage that I may do.

I am happy. I am satisfied. I am creative. And most of all I am alive.

Wicked Witch

All day long I have been trying to rationalize, look at it from every angle, but still at the end of it I am totally flabbergasted. I was not even aware that there was a problem.

I was a small nugget of success for a short while today. I was feeling good, hell I had not even shed a tear yet. And than things happened.

And culminated in a man I do not know tell me in a very loud voice how I was mean and despised and the Wicked Witch of the West. The loathing that enveloped me from this human being almost sent me to my knees. I could only stand there wide eyed and aghast. My worst nightmare had just come true. Someone literally listed all my faults, out loud, in public, to my face.

I moved on. I gritted my teeth, and with only a few chin quivers I did what I had to do. Barely. The urge, the need to scream my despair, the tears that battered to be let loose, were violent lashings against my psyche. The psyche that this morning was a rosy pink but now was more of a brownish yellow sludge.

I was finally relieved and able to fly off but it was an ugly cry. I shuddered, snot running out of my nose, I couldn’t see I was sobbing so hard. Have you ever had a man who is not a relative or married to you try to comfort you? LOL while they have the best intentions they just don’t know what to do.

Girl posse to the rescue. One made me sit on her lap while I sobbed and snoted on her shoulder. She than ran off to get girl #2 cause as she put it she was sick of my snot on her sweater and she was sharing the wealth. And they raged. And they roared. And they gave me back myself.  They rebuilt what had been shattered.

I still wasn’t perfect. Tears still leaked from my eyes. But they gave me back that sense of pride in myself. As did the man attempting to comfort me who is neither relative nor husband and he did a good job.  I will not allow one small person to derail my progress. I will not allow one small man to have this much control over how I see myself. No more will I fear being too strong, too harsh, too unforgiving. For I have been and I ended up being kicked in the teeth.

I take deep breaths. And I let them out. Tonight I am going to obliterate. I am going to sink into decadence and pleasure and wash the negativity of the day away. I will burn my incense and melt my scented wax, and I will not allow this to drag me under. It nearly did, I nearly drowned in the undertow, but I have a crew who dragged me back and I love them for that.