Maiden of Malice

Preening
little cock
shuffling feet
trying to get near
elusive
lynx lithe
I move ahead
come hither look over my shoulder.
Weaving a maze
delicate dance
melody heard
sung only from my lips
pulling you
directing you
reeling
lust painfully aware
disdain in my stare.
Pitiful
easy
too easy
although…..
you never were the smartest
not that sharpest knife in the drawer
people do say.
Temptress
hands grope
growl
me
you
who will ever know.
Lead you down the garden gate
short comings
cummings short
(I am so witty)
breath
gasps
begging…..
slow down.
Fatty fatty two by four
could never fit through the kitchen door. 
Collapse
watching face
puce
sucking air
stiletto on chest
not so obnoxious now
poor poor little man
should have thought
should have considered
why did I not go
to the highest bidder?
©April 20/20
Picture via Pinterest

Conscious Forever More

I stand
hands on hips
staring at my nakedness
seeing the droop of my breast
the extra inch on my hips
how my thighs are now touching
lips pursed
for I still see them as flaws
I still seek external confirmation
of my inner self.
I am beautiful.
Whether bundled in winter clothes
or clad in bikini on the beach.
No one can take that from me.
I am strong.
I have beaten addiction.
I have beaten my self doubt.
I have beaten
destroyed that voice
my own voice
telling me I am worthless.
I am sexy.
For so long
so very very long
I felt that my sexuality
my desires
they were wrong.
I kept them hidden
in a secret part of me.
No longer.
I labored for so long
deluded by past
devalued by self
awaiting external acceptance
that I do not need
for I am me
and me am I.
Tongue twisted
words never more betrayed
truth has been found
depth of my soul
cage freed my heart
it is my time
it is my turn
to rise & shine.
©Nov. 25/19
Picture is one of my own

Word of the Day Challenge #47-Untitled Poem

Passive
I sit
watching
waiting
wondering
who will I choose next?
With whom shall I…..
ply
play
plunder
taking unto me a life force
never freely given.
Image
fluid
every changing
chameleon…..
I am not the same woman every night…..
I am not the same woman as was in your bed last night…..
I am not the same woman who woke in your arms this morning…..
I am…..
Your fantasy.
Your nightmare.
Your fancy.
I fabricate
prevaricate
feign kindness
desire
love
lust……
all to draw you in
close the trap
make you mine
locked in a box.
I utter the words:
‘Til death do us part.
None have lasted longer than a week
shall we set the clock
tick tock
for your death my dear?’
©Aug. 1/19
Picture cia Pinterest

Cherish

Blinded.
I lost myself
my truth
allowing you to encompass
swallow me whole
until the end
chewed up
spit out
bewildered at the sudden death.
I forgot who I was.
Thought I had been yearning for you
truth is though
I yearn for what was perceived….
I loved you once.
I thought you were my final stopping place. 
I thought I had finally found home.
A dream
poor little princess
needs to be saved 
needs a knight to make her whole. 
The idea of you
the potential
the man I know is inside of you
tears gather
falling
forever saddened you shall never see
never know him.
Sweet poison lips
I shall miss.
Lies
sugar coated darts
I remember my worth.
I am a Queen.
Sacrifice myself no more
I remember now 
how to roar.
©June 21/19
Picture via Pinterest

Assassin

‘Forgive me father
for I have sinned.
It has been 
well never
since my last confession.’
I stood within the cavernous opening
rock hewn
trendles of mist reaching out
with flame in hand
knowing I had to enter.
Prone before the crystal altar
his mouth moving
in silent prayer
lay a man dressed in priestly garb
though I knew
a religous man he was not.
Lashed upon the cross on high
a boy
a child
an innocent
being offered up
sacrificed
slaughtered
to appease some broken diety.
My step is light
I silently unsheath my sword
pressing it to my lips
a sign of secrecy
so the boy does not scream.
His last breath hissed free
blood
soaked within the stones beneath him
while I stand over top
a malicious smile on my face.
I am exemplary.
I do my job well.
Assassin down the ages
striking
slaying
the rabid vultures
who prey upon our innocents.
Sept. 19/18
Photo by Lê Tân on Unsplash

Pain Abates

My heart breaks in two
as I say goodbye to you
when all I want is to stay.
Time has come
to be on my way
no longer waiting
for you to chose, her or I?
Moving forward
taking a chance
the chance I gave you
rebuffed
left to cry
my heart settles heavy
farewell my Prince Charm.
I wanted once more
to be held in yours arms
to feel your body’s heat.
Not meant to be
you left me
scarred
tears stinging my eyes
howling with pain
crumpled in a ball.
I rose above it.
I chose to be strong.
I will love again
as my heart is not made
to be left unheld.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
June 29/18
Photo by Shashank Sahay on Unsplash

Squashed

**Picture is one of mine. Although it does not really fit my post I wanted to use it because it fills me with peace.**
I am on day 113 of not taking pills. And (gentlemen you may want to turn away here) I am pms’ing. Previously when I pms’d I would go out to get pills to silence the ever critical voice that I heard. That voice has become really silent. It made a brief appearance on Wednesday, a skittering across my brain and than gone.
Right before I woke up this morning I was dreaming. It has been a long while since I have had dreams that I remember and in the last several weeks they have returned. With a vengence and I am loving it. Some are goofy and make no sense. Like the man running around with no pants on. Or The Kardashians making an appearance when I do not even watch their show. (I do not have real tv) But this morning’s dream was a little more realistic. More in line with things I am going through.
It took place at the house I grew up in. My ex was in it and I was furious with him because he left wet laundry in the washing machine. (Dreaming about laundry when I have to do laundry)  And suddenly I was taking a handful of pills. In the dream it turned out that this was the second handful I was taking. I broke down. Sobbing and unable to believe that I had taken the pills.
So when I woke up I was a bit perturbed.  The only pills in my house are my medication for my depression and my vitamins. I live in a city that does not have Sunday shopping and truthfully it was not even an urge. But it did make me weepy.
I was talking with friends about this. And grousing because damn it this is not me. I do not want to take any pills. I do not want to go and get a bottle of wine and drink it all in one sitting. Things are going really well. Even at work. So why on earth did this pop up?
Part of it I believe is due to the fact that I am pms’ing. And I know that I am going to have a customer complaint against me. The woman asked me if my name was Jay-lyn as she was staring at my name tag and than entering into her phone. I admit she got under my skin. And I was not as mindful as I should have been. As I was cleaning the shower I gave myself a stern talking to as well, reminding myself that it happened yesterday and there was no way of going back and changing it. I will accept responsibility although truthfully I don’t think that I could have done anything to make this woman happy.
When I take these two things and combine them, they were two triggers for using the pills to numb myself. To make it easier to handle.
I made a comment to DD that I had 7 days to go and I had better not be a whiny bitch for the whole 7 days or I was going to be sick of myself. And as for the customer, well I know what I did wrong and I know what I have to do to correct it.
In the dream as I was crying and throwing out the rest of the pills, a character from the show I am watching (Rescue Me) appeared. And he reminded me that I had done these 113 days without any problem. This was a small slip and I could recover from it.
As I write this now, I know that I am not going to have any small slips in real life because I do not want to. I am done with hiding from my feelings and emotions. I accept that I am imperfect and occasionally a little whiny. I am stronger now than before and with each day that I step further and further away, I become even stronger. The voices are like mosquitos buzzing around my ear. A nuisance for but a moment until I squash them.