Peer Behind the Curtain

*******Preface this is not how I am feeling at all. I was reading another blog this morning when the words written struck a cord. This poem is a result of that. Describing the time leading up to the Kaboom of 2017*****

Look
how can she know
what it feels like
to be trapped
to be ensnared
in sticky strands
black anguish
struggle for freedom.
Look
not at the cover
what is beneath
scarred
cracked
broken
each piece
a little out of line with each other.
Look
see her smile
her joy in life?
Look
peer through black mimosa
see the child sized woman
wracked with doubts
demons
cackling
dancing around
a wicked game of bully be
from which there is no escape.
Look and see
bottles lined up
alcohol
pills
bitter retreat
dulled numbness
run from the past
from memories brutal and true.
Enough tears
enough pain
enough of everything…..
a bottle later
the voice still screams
shaking
unable to see
crying
do not let anyone come near
do not let anyone hear
leave it be
death maybe the only way out.
Look
found
love within self
truth within self
myself 
in the herself I use to be.
©Jan. 28/20
Picture is my own.

Good Bye Baby

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Screaming. In my head. My voice.
How the fuck could I have done this? I have no recollection. Suddenly people were screaming at me to stop and the baby was missing…..I only had a couple oh my god what have I done?
They are going to take her from me. I know it. I did not mean to do it. I put down the car seat put the beer on the backseat heard something turned away and……oh my god how could I have forgotten that I  had put her down on the pavement. Tears fill my eyes. How am I going to live with myself? I nearly please let it only be nearly killed my beautiful baby girl. Fuck……
They think that I don’t see I don’t hear them whispering. Cunt mother drunk drugged up forgot her baby girl was in the car seat behind her vehicle. Thank goodness the stupid bitch was so hammered she didn’t hurt the baby at all. Voices ripping into me. Eyes slashing daggers pull into myself there will never be enough rage throughout the world scourging me as I scourge myself. Rub raw bleeding wounds oh god I cannot believe that I have done this.
Don’t take her from me please. Wrists now bound. Screams baby wanting her mother I try so hard to be good but it is not easy. They all know I am going to fail they tell me so. Maybe it is better this way……
Time to say good bye. Heart breaking watch parents carry her away at least family will have her I will not be a total stranger papers in front of me signed. Lean head back tears slip slowly from lidded eyes pain so intense I feel nothing.
Late last evening the body of 29 year old Laverna Moore was found in the back of Shamrock’s Bar. Police have given a preliminary cause of death as accidental overdose. Most of our viewers will remember Laverna from last month when she nearly drove over her daughter while high……In other news……
Jan. 12/20
Picture via Pinterest

Sleep Alone

I see you
from the corner of my eye
lingering
hovering
so close
yet still so far.
Burning eyes
staring
gritty with dust
count the stars
count the sheep
please
oh please
let me sleep.
Ragged
exhausted
ready to fall down
release me from this cruel grip
of sleepless nights
tired days
insomnia
what a bitch.
All I want to do is sleep.
Nightmare beings
seen behind closed lids
hallucinations
or reality?
Let me sleep
let me rest
haunt me not
with your blooded presence.
Ghostly steps
clawed hand hooked in hair
demon sold
blasted in fire
beseeching
falling to my knees
screaming
let me go…..
please.
Whimpering
mewling
tears
shredded bleeding eyes
gouged with bitter dreams.
Let me go
let me be free
loosen your steel grip.
Allow
a moment of respite
before
talons spear
brain to soul
torture inflicted
monsters begone
release me
let me sleep alone.
November 23/18
Photo by Larm Rmah on Unsplash

Scars

My story can be told
by the seams
scar tissue
wrapped around both wrists.
The first time
I could find no release
silent screams
tearing from a broken body.
It was easier to bleed
than give voice to the fear
the cause
the betrayal.
It became second nature
pain
alleviated by blood
dripping
scoring the floor beneath.
One day I will go to far.
What will they think
peering into this closet
a nest of rags
broken toys
a childhood long forgotten.
To find the blades I pilfered
some rusted through.
Each tells a tale
of pain
fear
abuse
eyes wide open
everyone else blinded
what does a girl do?
Not this time
my heart still beats on.
My anguish
grey mimosa
none shall see
the tears that I weep.
November 15/18

Drowning in Brutality

Brutal
the screams in my head
voices
whispering
digging
stabbing
wearing away my base.
Reaching out
help me please
do not let me drown
you stand upon the pier
looking
watching as I go down.
Grasp not
the hand raised in fear
in hope
in desperation
fuck you
how could you let me go down?
Watch me bleed
watch me founder
watch me grasp
cling
reach for
the saving hand.
You let me drown
you let me die
you erased my from your life.
Never fear though
For I shall haunt
all your midnights.
November 8/18
Photo by nikko macaspac on Unsplash

Untitled Poem #5

A voice
barely a whisper
coming down the line
begging for help
for me to come find her
take her away from the world
she has fallen into.
Angry words
violent outbursts
who was this child before me?
Not mine.
My princess could never have become
a gutter rat
lost in drugs
in desperation
to ease the pain of her past.
I should have been more open
maybe she would have trusted me than
but I chose not to see
not to hear
tears
accusations I could not control.
Walking up the creaking stairs
afraid
what will I find at the top?
Dingy walls
tar streaked
stale smoke permeating the air
I find the door
slight ajar
am not sure I want to know more.
Pushing it open
confronted with……
a face frozen in agony
body wasted
from drugs
abused by men
blood drips
droplets falling from her fingertips
to the floor.
This is my child
who I neglected
drove away
and now
she is nothing but a corpse.
I gather her tiny body
so weightless
against my chest
just as when she was born.
Tears
scalding
fall to her pallid face
as for one more time
I rock my baby
regretting
my pride
my certainty
that I was right.
There has been no winner here
no lessons learned
only pain
crippling
devastating
latching
hooking
into me.
November 6/18
Photo by Nathan Wright on Unsplash

The End

***This is not an indication of how I am feeling. I got the first line and the rest flowed through.***

Tides of crimson
washing over
absolving the sins
that father visited upon me.
No matter the tears cried
pleas
begging
desperation
I was ignored
rejected
kept close by a man
who thought to rape
destroy
raze
my inner self
so I did only what I could.
Tendons shredded
veins split
watch the blade slice in
blood welling
tears flowing
this is how it ends.
Oct. 21/18
Photo by Stephany Lorena on Unsplash