I survived

**Me getting ready this morning being a little goofy**
So I did it! I returned to work this morning for my first 4 hour shift. 9-1. It was not as bad as I feared, although for the first half hour or so my heart was racing in my chest. It was not a panic attack but fear. Fear that I was going to stared at. Fear that my co-workers would judge me. Plain old fear. So I took deep breaths until I could feel my heart calm.
Before work,  having my coffee, I opened my email to discover that mom had sent me a card. Telling me that I had it  today and it would be alright. T came and gave me a big squeeze hug because Chichi had Skyped and told him to. I got a little misty eyed and messaged mom. They were warm fuzzy tears. I was worried my mascara would run. It didn’t. And than I began to go through my emails.
First one I opened, joypassiondesire. She is a blogger that I recently began to follow. Her post was You can do this, don’t give up. All positive quotes and each one seemed to be directed at me. Than I opened raynotbradbury and her’s was about The State of Present. This one was about being in the now. Once more it seemed to be directed at me. That is how Thought #6 came about. I left for my day at work feeling that I would be able to better handle what would be thrown at me.
Dropped T off and got not one but two kisses and a kiss blown through the window. He reminded me that I was to have a good day and that I could do it. My very own little cheerleader. I drove off to work, and unfortunately got stuck behind the slowest driver ever. Okay not ever but this is not the first time that I have been stuck behind the same driver. Not that I was in a rush but it was 8:55 a.m. and I started at 9, so I moved around him. I had to chuckle to myself as I drove by and recognized him.
I was great until I walked into the store. As I made my way upstairs I kept dropping my head. I was conscious that I was doing this and kept saying ‘Jay look up. Not down. Up.’ (In regards to my staring down I read another post that seemed to be directed at me. Grateful Single Moms post Make Small Changes that will Produce Exciting Results.)  I spent my morning in Customer Service. Swept and cleaned. Kept myself busy. Helped customers. One of my regulars spotted me and came over. He gave me his hand to shake and pulled me into a hug telling me that he was happy to see me back. He had missed me. We chatted for a few minutes and than I had to go back to work.
I am going back slowly. My only responsibility right now is to ease myself back into my job. To get use to being back out in public and interacting with customers. And co-workers. When I started to wander, my mind catalouging, I hummed to rein myself in. When I saw things that annoyed or irritated me, I would begin to chant in my head, ‘Not my responsibility.’ This is not me abdicating responsibility, this is me protecting myself.
I have worked very hard to change my thinking. To being responsible for myself and T. To not going around behind others and cleaning up the errors and messes. (Makes me sound egotistical. But in my previous incarnation I strove for perfection so I was forever holding all the reins.) I was told being back meant cleaning would again be done. Um no sorry, I will do what I have to do but as for the rest, there are supervisors to deal with that. Again not abdicating, taking my time and easing into a roll, that while I am extremely good at it, can overwhelm and deplete me. My support group all checked in. V was there and I went to get a hug from her before beginning. One of the courtesy clerks was so excited to see me he wrapped me in a big squeeze hug. Which made me feel wonderful.
I will continue to take each day one moment by moment. And that is what I am working on. Remembering to remain in in the now. To not look ahead.
To paraphrase Ms. raynotbradbury reply to my comment ‘stick to the now it is all you can do or change.’
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It’s time…..

Went into work today with my return to work note. I feel that returning to work 4 hours a day 5 times a week is the best for me. It is what is healthiest for both my mental and emotional well being. I also do not want to jump back in with both feet. I am quite content to work in customer service or cashiering. Reassess after I have been back for awhile.
I was scared to go in and talk to my boss. Very scared. At first I sent off a message to a friend who I discuss everything with.  Than I told the girls. Also explaining to them that I had snarled at T this morning. Than I talked to V.  Told her that despite all my bravery that I was scared shitless to talk to him. I was afraid that he was going to want to talk about what happened and I did not want to revisit it. That was a bad place for me. And that I was worried that I might cry.
First V assures me that losing it on T was totally normal. Kids do not listen to us and it is damn frustrating. And she is right. I had to ask him three or four times to get in the bathroom and brush his teeth. As a matter of fact, I grabbed him by his arm and pushed him into the bathroom. This after snarling at him about the shower this morning. He stank. Badly. But he was annoyed that I did not wake him up at 6. He tried to push back. I pounded on the bed that he was going to shower because he stunk. We went back and forth. He ended up showering.
V reminded me that we were the parents. We made the choices and rules. They had to listen and follow them. She said the right thing at the right time. Now instead of using ‘because I said so’ I am going to pull out the choice and rule law. Way to go V. Coming up with a great way to explain to my child and all children why they must listen to their parents.
Than she addressed my fear about crying. Assured me that it was okay. And to remember that our boss is human too.
I felt so good after talking to her. Calm. There were some twinges in my stomach but nothing overwhelming to me.
Now fast forward to arriving at work. I was terrified to walk in there. I sat in the car and said my affirmations. I shot off a few quick messages of and got out of the car. First I had to drop my prescription  off at the pharmacy and than I went to the front and had boss paged. Gave him the note and he read it. We were going upstairs to discuss my return.
I waited outside his office. Flicked through my phone. And than he came up and I followed him in.
I did it though. I was calm. The butterflies in my stomach disappeared. I looked him the eye and maintained eye contact. I had been wanting to come back slowly and had been going to suggest customer service or cashiering shifts. So it was very easy to agree when he made the suggestion. He wants to observe me. I need to regain his trust. The trust of the other supervisors and staff.
I told him that by far, my well being, emotionally and mentally are what is important to me. That I no longer was going to look down the road but will remain in the present. And than he suggested that I may decide that I did not want to remain as the lead supervisor. At first, I think my reaction was knee jerk when I said to him that I could still do it.
This is food for thought. I have learned a lot about myself in the last three months. And like the butterfly breaking free from the cocoon I am spreading my wings in the sunshine. Ready to soar.

A Girl’s Best Friends

**Picture via Pintrest**
I am me again! Both today and yesterday I was awake at what I consider to my regular time: between 5-5:30 a.m. Wednesday a.m. I woke up at 5:15, felt great, no grogginess, no feeling like I had been drinking without the alcohol. Today, it was 5:18. Again, feeling great and without grogginess. As well no nap yesterday. The only thing that was missing yesterday was the desire to write. I managed to read through the blogs I follow although my interaction remained as pushing the like button.  Oooooooo, oooooooooo and major excitement I am able to read again.  I have started a brand new author that I have never read before Sebstian de Castell’s Greatcoat series. I burned through book one, it is very well written and am into book 2 now. I highly recommend him.
Today is March 1st. Another new month. Another turn around the track of life.
T and me are learning to conversate (is that a word) although we are going to speak less in the morning until Mr. Grumpypants leaves and T returns. He is not all that keen on this idea but it is my answer to being snarked at every time I ask a question before 8 a.m. Also am not sure if he is getting ready to go through another growth spurt or if this is just the beginning of the teenage sleeping pattern but he is sleeping a lot. And it is getting to where he is asking for extra sleep time. Ah the joys.
Since Dec. 23/17 when I crashed, it is really the only thing that I can think to call it, I have been working very hard on something that my mom has harped at me about for so long. She always tells me that my girlfriends are going to be my support system. That it was a relationship like any other and you have to work at them. It is easy if you work with most of them, or have them babysit for you, for than there is a consistent pattern to seeing one another. I am very lucky that I have women in my life who worry and love me. Yes that is right they love me and I love them.
In the beginning there were quite a few people that I had to message or speak with on a daily basis. This way they were assured that I was okay. Slowly as time passed, some fell away, their lives to be lived. However I have discovered a core group of friends who I now know I can call upon whenever I need them. Well maybe not at 2:43:58 a.m. but any other time they are available to me. And I interact with them every day. First thing in the morning, as my coffee is brewing, I find good morning gifs to send to them. Yesterday I cheated and sent them all the same one because I found it hilarious. And I had to share.
Aside from the good morning messages every morning, V and me, we work hard to get together at least every other week for coffee on her day off. I have called Auntie K several times and we have gone out. Wandered the stores around town, laughing and having an absolute blast. Dreaming. My friend P, a brand new one for you to have to remember, reached out even before my crash. She would read my blog and than send me a message to remind me that she was here for me. She sent her husband to the store one day with coffee for me. And we have talked a lot. I really hope that she knows how much I appreciate her. M and me, after a brief hiatus where I withdrew from our friendship, because she was leaving me, are now back on track. Now, we talk daily. The boys are having sleepovers every weekend that T is here on his week with me. And K, bff to the stars and nice enough to allow me in her orbit. (I jest it is she who is lucky ha ha ha ha)
Mom was right. Your friends are more important than anything else in your life. Marriages last or don’t. Children grow and leave the nest. Homes are moved. Jobs changed or retired from. But the friends that support you and are there for you, will never change. It is hard work, even harder to maintain than a marriage. You have to juggle work, kids, life to be able to find the time to spend together or to talk to one another. With the technology that we have today, it is a lot easier to stay in touch daily with texts and Messanger and KIK and the list goes on. But you have to work on it.
I have an exceptional support group and I do not know what I would do without any of them in my life.
We will be the little old ladies riding roller coasters and racing our scooters down Main Street at 6 p.m. on a Saturday evening. We will be those little old ladies.

Ode to my Girls (AK,K2,K3,M3 & V)

Mom has been talking to me a lot about the benefits of having girl friends. Women who are not at all like you, but somehow you make it work. There is always something that draws you all in, that makes you a group to begin with, but as time flows and passes, you become sisters who chose one another, as opposed to those biologically assigned.

I was just sitting here thinking how lucky I am. I have a really great group of girl friends. We don’t hang out much outside of work, although we talk. A lot. All the time actually. One of my girl friends does not even live in the same country as me. Yet as I messaged her this morning I realized she is the first or second person I always message when I wake up.

The work girls, there are a total of five of us. We are all crazy, loud, proud women. We laugh a lot. Usually at my expense but that is okay. Two are married with two beautiful girls each. One is in a very committed relationship with a beautiful daughter and handsome son. They are getting ready to build a home together. And than there are the two single women, me the oldest with T  and my 2nd (work reference), the youngest and her furbaby. We all have busy lives, I think the last time we were all together minus one, was when I moved into my apartment.

Our work Christmas Party is coming up soon. I believe we will all be in the same room at the same time. Still segregated by department lol, but we can wave across the room to one another.

I got side tracked.

As I was thinking about what a wonderful group of women we all are, I realized something else. We are all survivors. I am not detailing anyone’s pain but my god, each of us has gone through trials. We have walked through paths of fire, and some of us still do, but we have come out on the other side.

I never leaned on anyone prior to the ending of my marriage. I was the one everyone else leaned on. When the explosion occurred my girls rallied. They have been there for me every day.

I am a lucky lucky woman. And I love my girls. This is my ode to them.