Addiction & Me

Oh lordy I bet y’all groaned seeing that headline. Not another one of her posts about addiction and drinking and quitting. How many times do we have to read about this? Gonna give this one a pass no offense…….none taken.

Many a time I have announced loud and proud that I am going to quit drinking. I have gotten as far as 4 weeks in the last while before that voice the one that says one or two is okay knowing full well it is going to turn into more than that and I cave. The amount of alcohol I have been consuming is far beyond healthy amounts. And am needing more and more to feel that buzz. Only more and more leads to feelings of disgust and loathing. Recriminations. I feel lousy. Am down and feeling ugly. I berate myself over and over again. In doing so I begin to feel I am in a loop-worry I am suffering a relapse in depression without noticing-drink-wake in morning feeling awful-cycle begins all over again.

Again consumed way way too much in passed several weeks. Monday I am in lobby doing carts which gives me alone time. Does not pick up until later in the morning so as I am cleaning and moving/organizing self for the day I begin a conversation with myself……about drinking…..about reasons why……truth that I do not even like to drink. I do not like blacking out-thankfully at home but not cool…..down on self because of the drinking…..drink because I am bored……drink because that is what I do…..an addictive habit that I must break.

Next is the truth……if I do not quit now I am going to kill myself drinking. Not because I am running away. Not because I cannot face life. Because I like the way it tastes….just like I did when I smoked…..gonna kill me but I loved how it tasted.

I have an app on my phone called Daylio. I love this little guy. First downloaded in 2018 to help me track my moods…..activities……to keep me on track so that I could monitor self and not fall off into such a black hole ever again. You can even back up to your Google account so that you never loose data. And it reminds you every two weeks or so to backup. Weekly you get a report showing you what your average rating was and your activities. You can also set goals. With Premium I believe you can unlock more goals but I have the free version so I can set one goal.

The goal I have chosen is Sobriety. Every day when my activities come up when I check sober and save I am told how many days I have been keeping track of my moods. I also get a daily streak for my goal. With a blue flame.

I am on day 6.

For many that may seem trivial. It is ok. We all look at life and how we handle our addictions differently. My biggest understanding came from the fact I drink out of boredom. Which has got to be one of the worst reasons in the world to drink. When do I get bored? In the evenings when Tember is with his dad. The weekend that Tember is gone. Even during the week Tember is here.

This week on Tuesday Tember and me went grocery shopping. We hung out laughing and joking around. Made supper together. It was rotissiere chicken and salad. Prep time all of my tearing up the lettuce and Tember ripping pieces of chicken off and plunking on plate. Only once did I have a slight struggle and that was yesterday. Wine is not really alcohol flashed through my brain…..no……no……no……it is hot as hell but there is other stuff you can drink. And I did. Pepsi. Water. Ate a bunch of candy. Bought $38 in candy and nuts for the weekend. The nuts are gone. And sugar craving done. Into the cupboard they go until next sugar fit.

Game plan:

1. Ignore the voice telling me it is ok to have one. It is never ok. It is ok to tell that voice to go fuck itself.
2. Money. Gonna save a lot of money.
3. Energy
4. Clearer skin/eyes
5. Shinier/ softer hair
6. Smarter (lol okay maybe not but I appear so)
7. Creativity spikes (that is never bad)
8. Easier on self
9. Enjoying small things

Hard part of this…..nothing…..lie……saying no to self once I have several days/weeks down…..I have to this time…..I really want to this time….

Like making my bed every day I will develop a new non-drinking habit. I have done so in the past. I will do so again. I am strong. I am weak. I have a wonderful support system. I can do this….I know I can.

©July 25/20

Picture is my own

I survived

**Me getting ready this morning being a little goofy**

So I did it! I returned to work this morning for my first 4 hour shift. 9-1. It was not as bad as I feared, although for the first half hour or so my heart was racing in my chest. It was not a panic attack but fear. Fear that I was going to stared at. Fear that my co-workers would judge me. Plain old fear. So I took deep breaths until I could feel my heart calm.

Before work,  having my coffee, I opened my email to discover that mom had sent me a card. Telling me that I had it  today and it would be alright. T came and gave me a big squeeze hug because Chichi had Skyped and told him to. I got a little misty eyed and messaged mom. They were warm fuzzy tears. I was worried my mascara would run. It didn’t. And than I began to go through my emails.

First one I opened, joypassiondesire. She is a blogger that I recently began to follow. Her post was You can do this, don’t give up. All positive quotes and each one seemed to be directed at me. Than I opened raynotbradbury and her’s was about The State of Present. This one was about being in the now. Once more it seemed to be directed at me. That is how Thought #6 came about. I left for my day at work feeling that I would be able to better handle what would be thrown at me.

Dropped T off and got not one but two kisses and a kiss blown through the window. He reminded me that I was to have a good day and that I could do it. My very own little cheerleader. I drove off to work, and unfortunately got stuck behind the slowest driver ever. Okay not ever but this is not the first time that I have been stuck behind the same driver. Not that I was in a rush but it was 8:55 a.m. and I started at 9, so I moved around him. I had to chuckle to myself as I drove by and recognized him.

I was great until I walked into the store. As I made my way upstairs I kept dropping my head. I was conscious that I was doing this and kept saying ‘Jay look up. Not down. Up.’ (In regards to my staring down I read another post that seemed to be directed at me. Grateful Single Moms post Make Small Changes that will Produce Exciting Results.)  I spent my morning in Customer Service. Swept and cleaned. Kept myself busy. Helped customers. One of my regulars spotted me and came over. He gave me his hand to shake and pulled me into a hug telling me that he was happy to see me back. He had missed me. We chatted for a few minutes and than I had to go back to work.

I am going back slowly. My only responsibility right now is to ease myself back into my job. To get use to being back out in public and interacting with customers. And co-workers. When I started to wander, my mind catalouging, I hummed to rein myself in. When I saw things that annoyed or irritated me, I would begin to chant in my head, ‘Not my responsibility.’ This is not me abdicating responsibility, this is me protecting myself.

I have worked very hard to change my thinking. To being responsible for myself and T. To not going around behind others and cleaning up the errors and messes. (Makes me sound egotistical. But in my previous incarnation I strove for perfection so I was forever holding all the reins.) I was told being back meant cleaning would again be done. Um no sorry, I will do what I have to do but as for the rest, there are supervisors to deal with that. Again not abdicating, taking my time and easing into a roll, that while I am extremely good at it, can overwhelm and deplete me. My support group all checked in. V was there and I went to get a hug from her before beginning. One of the courtesy clerks was so excited to see me he wrapped me in a big squeeze hug. Which made me feel wonderful.

I will continue to take each day one moment by moment. And that is what I am working on. Remembering to remain in in the now. To not look ahead.

To paraphrase Ms. raynotbradbury reply to my comment ‘stick to the now it is all you can do or change.’