Policing

The descent into the asylum of Tween/Teendom has begun. I am sure that it won’t be that bad right? Ha! I remember what I was like. I have heard what the Ex was like. If I escape with only half of the crap we put our mothers through I will count myself lucky. However he was a wonderful baby and young child. Lately I have been getting glimpses of the ogre that is going to be my child.

T loves sleeping in his clothes. This way he is ready for the next day. An ongoing battle I have been a little lacksidaisy in enforcing the changing into pj’s at night. Well enough is enough and given that he soon will have to be showering daily, I decided last night that I was going to hold firm. T had asked to play Scrap Mechanic. I said yes as long as he put his pj’s on first. Which lead to a large amount of whining. And he did not want to. So up I got, I was in my room reading, and I took the mouse for the computer. That earned me a ‘Fine than! I will watch Youtube.’ Went back into the living room and took the controller for the Xbox.

Back and forth we went. He yelling from the living room, me holding firm and repeating ‘get into your jammies and I will give you the mouse and controller back.’ T was bored. I was ruining his life. How could I be so mean to him? And the best one ‘If this is how you are going to be I am just going to go to my dad’s.’

Now T so rarely uses the going to dad line but I decided that I was not going to allow this to become his go to threat. So I told him that I had text the Ex and told him that T would be taking the bus to his place after school today. Well my word but the water works began and he was caterwauling on and on about how could I have done that. I had hurt his feelings. As I stood at the end of his couch looking at him, tears rolling down his cheeks I informed him that I had not actually text his dad. I was hurt as well that he would use this as a threat to me.

All said and done last night I ‘wasted’ all his time. He only had half an hour to watch Youtube. I explained once more that had he done what I requested that no time would have been wasted. T would have been able to play his Scrap Mechanic. He would have been able to watch Youtube. But he chooses to yell and kick up a fuss, throwing things, kicking them around. I remained calm last evening although I sorely wanted to yell back at him. I can admit that. He was driving me absolutely insane.

Fast forward to this morning. I went in at 5: 45, 6 and 6:17 to tell T what time is was and he needed to get up. Finally at 7 with my going in to awaken him again, T got up. And once more I have ruined his day. Which as he is sitting on the couch removing his jammies became a whole lot worse when I discovered that he was wearing his jeans underneath. I looked at him and he gave me a smartass grin that I am all to familiar with. It has crossed my own lips many a time.

I asked him if he was proud of himself? Did he think that he had pulled one over on me? All this meant now was that I would have to stand over him and watch while he changed. He did not care. And the mouth began running again about my wasting all his time.

I told him that he was to get ready for school and tell me what he wanted for breakfast before he could watch Youtube. Oh dear lord but once more I became the world’s worst mom. I was going to be the root cause of his having a miserable day. It was not going to get any better. And he was going to his dad’s after school. I asked him if he would like me text his dad and he said yes. So I did.

While I was writing the text to the Ex, he slammed into the bathroom, knocking my body spray and mousse to the floor. The dryer door opened and was slammed. As I was finishing the text he came out. Hair styled. Shirt on. Same jeans but different socks. He sat on the couch and glared at me. I sent the text and asked if he wanted to read what I had sent. And he did. In essence I explained that T was having a crappy morning and may show up at his place after school because he was so mad at me. And if he did could he please return him to me. I went on to explain what the uproar was about and asked that he back me on this issue.

T was furious. Called me a tattle tale. How could I ruin his life even more? And he was not walking to school today. I could not make him do that.

Now the storm has passed. He is ready for school. We will be walking and have to leave soon.

I created this child. I am completely at fault for having not held firm on the pj’s thing. The getting ready for school and eating thing. But I am now. Much to his dismay. I held firm both last night and this morning. I did not yell or threaten him. I continued repeating my request over and over again. Until he did as I requested. I am hoping that it will click. That if he were to do as I asked when I asked this would be a nonissue. But he is pushing back because he wants to make those decisions. And I gladly would allow him to, but until we get these new ground rules established, I will have to be the PJ/Getting ready for school Police.

10:59 a.m.

While walking T to school he and I discussed what had occurred last night and this morning. I asked him if he had learned anything about what happens when I ask him to do something. He responded with ‘just do it mom’ which I am sure Chichi is thrilled to hear because that is her motto. We talked about how his dad and me are on the same page with parenting. But that I would probablly be more of a hardass than his dad but that was okay because Chichi had been with me. And I turned out alright. He agreed.

We were nearly at the school when T turned to me and said darn it mom we are having a really good conversation and we are almost to the school. I reassured him that we can always have good conversations that it would not end just because we got to the school. He gave me a kiss and ran off. I asked if he wanted me to walk him to his hut. There was a resounding No. I am beginning to think that he is embarrassed by me. 😂😂😂

Conquering Queen

Yesterday I received a text from the Ex indicating that his S.O. (significant other) was not working and that T could stay the night there. At first I was annoyed. I think I erased my text two before coming up with ‘Whatever T would like is fine with me.’ The reason that I put the choice in T’s hands is that this is his dad’s week with him. So he would see him before work last night and before school this morning. The first time in a long time. And I already knew what the answer would be. I did not hear back so text the Ex after awhile to check on T’s response.  And he said yes, he wanted to stay at his dad’s.

When I saw that single word response to my text my heart ached and I stifled a sob.

Even though the Ex and me share custody of T I have become use to having him here every night. We have a routine. And I get to see him every single day. So not seeing him last night was a kick in the pants. I had planned to see him. I was waiting to hear about his day. Now I had to reorganize my thoughts. Tears welled in my eyes, and there was pain. I decided that I would do the dishes thinking that if I had something to concentrate on it would not pain me so much.

As I stood at the sink, tears overcame me. My eyesight blurred and I gave into the sadness for a minute. And than I did what I do best now I talked to myself.

‘Jay you can feel sad but you need to get use to this. You need to get use to having one week where you are not going to have T. You won’t see him. This is normal. You have become greedy given that you are seeing him every day. Obviously he is going to want to stay at his dad’s, after all it is his week with him.’

I am not saying that I was feeling 100% better but I calmed down. And by the time that I was done the dishes and back on the couch, I had settled. I had come to peace with myself. Or so I thought.

Today as I am exercising I am looking at myself and critically. I am not liking what I see. There are small tweaks here and there that I could make. Where I was a year ago to where I am today is a huge difference. I am not drinking. I am not taking pills. I am working out. I am writing. But today I was not being nice to myself. I looked the wrong way at myself and decided that that was it, no more pizza. No more sweets. I text a friend and said over and over that I knew my thoughts were insane.

And as we text I realize I was being hypercritical of myself. Subconsciously something was at work and I think that I have figured it out.

I was sad yesterday and even though I did not consciously think it, I wondered what I had done wrong. Why did T not want to come spend the night here? Where had I failed that he would stay at his dad’s even when his dad is not home?  I had no control in that situation at all because I had given it all over to T and his decsion.

And my feelings were hurt. I really had thought that T was going to want to come and spend the night here with me. And because I could not admit that to myself the highly critical freak me rose to the occassion. I pushed down what I was feeling. I had cried but I did not say outloud  that I was hurt. Because that was wrong. I should not feel that way.

I am allowed to have feelings. In acknowledging this the critic in me, who was trying to skew my thinking and pull me back into an obsession with my body image, has been kicked to the curb.

This is a huge step for me. Admitting I am allowed to have feelings. Admitting that yes, I was hurt that T chose to stay at his dad’s last night but I understand why he made that choice. T is going to hurt me over and over again. That is what children do. The broader world at large does not exist for them. They are the center of their world and the immediate family is in their orbit. I will never tell T about how much it hurt. I did feel like he was picking his dad over me.

And he was because it is his dad’s week with him.  Just like he would chose to come home to me if this was my week.

Once more T has taught me a lesson. And in doing so he has helped me. I have a body image problem that I am acknowledging for the first time ever. I realized this because I stuffed the emotions down and than looked at myself for little things that I could criticize and than concentrate on fixing. That I could control. Perfect. Nothing is perfect, least of all me. And slowly but surely, all those parts of me, the ones that are not healthy, are becoming absorbed within me.

I saw very quickly what I was doing. This did not take me a week to figure out, a month, hell it did not even take me 24 hours to realize what I was doing and put an end to it. Each time I catch myself exhibiting behaviour that can trip me up I conquer it. That is not to say that it will not appear elsewhere but it is the catching it that is important here. Once caught I can change the way that I think and slowly but surely eliminate the behaviours that can harm me.