Curtain Call

Dejection.

Despair.

Written on my face

as I watch you circle the room

glad handing

compliments reigning down

on all the unsuspecting clowns.

I try to hide the feelings

try to maintain a dignified silence

while inside

my heart breaks.

How can you not notice?

Not realize?

Do you not see the woebegone  look on my face?

I hide myself in the corner

behind a pillared post

tears gathering on my cheeks.

Allowing myself a moment of sadness

before reentering the world stage.

Photo by Nik MacMillan on Unsplash

 

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Blighted

Blackness roils across the land

encompassing fields and crops

a blight unlike any before seen

man made and let loose.

Flesh falls from bones

flashes of shadows burst free

death comes to all who are near

without playing favorites

without discerning wealth.

Never would you think so cruel

that the riches already had

are not enough

that they would make you forfeit your lands.

No longer are monies counted

abundant…..

enough…..

a body count

ferocious rage

decimating all

is the new measure of power.

 

 

 

Worthless

Why?
Why do you
why do I
believe that we are not worthy?
Worthy
Of love
of happiness
of kindness by others.
We shun
spurn
destroy
rather than allow others close.
Easier
to not feel
to act the fool
shy behind a confident mask.
Tears
falling drop drop
head turned aside
ignoring the gnawing pain
that resides deep in out hearts.
Trust
reaching out
admitting need
want to be held
struggling to find the words.
Why?
I want to be found worthy.
I want to be found to love.
I want the happiness

that should be mine.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

July 9/18

Nothingness

Tears seep
tracing the curve of my cheek
trailing
salty kisses on my lips
pondering
why I feel this way?
Nothing wrong
no sense of impending doom
imagination
spiraling out of control
when I know
I may have pushed too far?
Overstepping
infamous for I am
reading too much
into too little
building my fairy tales
only to knock them down.
Self destruction.
I am not crazy.
I am not insane
even though I portray myself this way.
Easier to hide
behind a sinister mask
than brimming with bright smiles
allowing the hurt
to become a dull throb
one I cannot placate.
Never crumble
never fall
ideas ingrained in my mind
not worth it
undeserving
voices playing over and over again.
Happiness
ever fleeting
skims through my life
touching lightly
only to bounce off
leaving me bereft
clutching at faded memories
of time we spent.
Hopelessness
sadness
raging pain
loss
fear
the emotions I live with
every day.
Does it get better?
Does it ever end?
This feeling of……
nothingness.
©Jay-lyn Doerkson
July 8/18

Protection

The mighty oak

tall

straight

reaching for sunny skies

never changing

never bending

always a beacon for the storm.

The gentle willlow

sweeping the ground

supple

lissome

bending

as the storm rages on.

I have the strength

the determination of an oak

to withstand pain

to stand tall

facing the storm

as I am pelted with rain and hail.

Twist and turn

accept

know

that despite my strength

I need to bend

like the willow

to protect myself

to keep safe

this heart

that I am holding out to you.

 

Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash

Pain Abates

My heart breaks in two
as I say goodbye to you
when all I want is to stay.
Time has come
to be on my way
no longer waiting
for you to chose, her or I?
Moving forward
taking a chance
the chance I gave you
rebuffed
left to cry
my heart settles heavy
farewell my Prince Charm.
I wanted once more
to be held in yours arms
to feel your body’s heat.
Not meant to be
you left me
scarred
tears stinging my eyes
howling with pain
crumpled in a ball.
I rose above it.
I chose to be strong.
I will love again
as my heart is not made
to be left unheld.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
June 29/18
Photo by Shashank Sahay on Unsplash

Thought #11

Saying good-bye to the one you love will tear at your heart, and make your eyes flood. Time, fifteen minutes or so and the ache is just that an ache. You always know that one love, the one love who will never be yours. And for me, that was you.

Photo by michael podger on Unsplash