Mirror Image

***Image found via Pintrest***
Standing before the mirror
staring at the image within
seeing black shadows
grasping round the frame.
Poking and grabbing
at the image of me
causing her pain
no,
me pain?
I do not even know any more.
For once again
I cannot tell
the truth of reality
and deception.
For all I can see
in the mirror image
are the tears flowing within.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
January 1 2018
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Breaking Free

Within a mimosa of gray fog you travel,
the ground before
dashed with broken glass
and razor blades
waiting to slash.
Unable to find forth the glory
the sanity that you beg for
as you are swallowed once more
down this rabbit’s hole of fate
where destined you be
to always retreat.
You wish to find solace
you wish to find comfort
you wish to shake yourself free
of the death and doom
your voice chants.
The voice that soothes and says
how much you fail
how much you don’t matter
until you grab your head
and scream.
Pouring forth the black bile
of fear and anguish,
pain and anger,
that has bloated your mind.
Break free from the chains that are binding
rend from your chest their links
and with great defiance
shriek to the skies
freedom and salvation.
Jay-lyn Doerksen
December 19/17

Today

***In memory of Christina Helgason-Bryga

As I stood beneath the shower

my face turned into the stream

my mouth open in a silent howl

tears erased by the rain.

I could not understand

this piercing grief that I feel

the hollow where my heart once beat

until it suddenly dawned,

today was the day I lost you.

Today was the day you never had a chance

to say hello or good-bye.

Today was the day I held you silent and breathless

in my arms.

Every year I have marked your birthday

every year I have found ways to hide

to drink away the pain,

to ignore the sorrow.

Today I mourn you with all my heart

today tears flow without restraint.

Today is the day my daughter was born

today was the day she soared.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Nov. 14/17

Pain & Joy

Pain

rippling and folding

into every part of me.

Wrapping

chains of horror

around my soul.

Warping

my bemused mind

as I let go.

I now understand the root of my addiction.

I feel too much. I love too much. I give too much.

And when it falls,

when beneath the burden of my too muchness

it disintegrates,

that backlash of pain is overwhelming.

I recall now

the tears, the rage, the everything

that comes from this all absorbing pain of…..

Failure.

Not being enough.

Not believing enough.

From loving too much.

From giving everything.

From my own fantasies.

Silly girl that I can be.

Yet as I stand within this maelstrom of sorrow

I begin to understand my strength.

I do love.

I do give.

I do feel.

I do not need to hide from these emotions.

For within them is the true me

the girl who still dances with butterflies

and loves with all her heart.

The woman who can finally accept

the joy that comes from giving her all

and embraces,

rather than fights it.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Oct. 30/17

 

Final Good-bye

Every love song suddenly resonates

filling me with joy.

Every song of loss and despair 

fills me with melancholy.

I sit beneath the fat summer moon

watching the waves ebb and flow.

The stars above a glittering heaven,

and I no longer have any doubt.

My heart is no longer mine to control,

it has leapt from my chest to your hands.

Can you feel the hesitant beating?

Can you feel how fragile it is?

Juggle not with the heart that you hold

for it is the only one I have.

Too many times I have given out my trust

only to have it turn to ashes at my feet.

And when the time comes that you leave.

And you will leave.

They always do.

Promise me this:

Be kind to that heart that you hold.

Thrust deep and hard,

looking into my eyes,

when we say our final good-bye.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Oct. 22/17

 

Compass of Souls

Wept the child tears of lead

for the scenes of depravity shone,

in times where all claim to be more

we show our true nature.

Fangs sharpened,

tearing at skin.

Claws tapered,

to hook and rip.

Words bartered back and forth

the innocent condemned.

My right, your right

we all scream for our perceived rights.

We jostle and push,

cattle in a stampede,

aimless, scared

trodding on those

who get in the way.

The path is lost again and again

the mores, the truths.

The compass of souls is broken. 

Never again to point us

in the right direction.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

October 2/17

 

 

 

The Voices Within

***Picture via Pintrest***

With tongue laced in acid

words drip venom down my chest

held deep within your binding spell

unable to tear myself away.

You rip me apart

words laden with bile and hatred

etching everlasting the loathing

that I carry within myself.

Voices dripping with disdain

a roar within my brain

ripping and tearing

the fragile fabric of ego

causing me to crumple in pain.

I raise my head

tears fleeing down my cheeks

defiant in the face of your abuse

pummelled by your voice no more.

 

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

September 16/17