***In memory of Christina Helgason-Bryga
As I stood beneath the shower
my face turned into the stream
my mouth open in a silent howl
tears erased by the rain.
I could not understand
this piercing grief that I feel
the hollow where my heart once beat
until it suddenly dawned,
today was the day I lost you.
Today was the day you never had a chance
to say hello or good-bye.
Today was the day I held you silent and breathless
in my arms.
Every year I have marked your birthday
every year I have found ways to hide
to drink away the pain,
to ignore the sorrow.
Today I mourn you with all my heart
today tears flow without restraint.
Today is the day my daughter was born
today was the day she soared.
rippling and folding
into every part of me.
chains of horror
around my soul.
my bemused mind
as I let go.
I now understand the root of my addiction.
I feel too much. I love too much. I give too much.
And when it falls,
when beneath the burden of my too muchness
that backlash of pain is overwhelming.
I recall now
the tears, the rage, the everything
that comes from this all absorbing pain of…..
Not being enough.
Not believing enough.
From loving too much.
From giving everything.
From my own fantasies.
Silly girl that I can be.
Yet as I stand within this maelstrom of sorrow
I begin to understand my strength.
I do love.
I do give.
I do feel.
I do not need to hide from these emotions.
For within them is the true me
the girl who still dances with butterflies
and loves with all her heart.
The woman who can finally accept
the joy that comes from giving her all
rather than fights it.
Every love song suddenly resonates
filling me with joy.
Every song of loss and despair
fills me with melancholy.
I sit beneath the fat summer moon
watching the waves ebb and flow.
The stars above a glittering heaven,
and I no longer have any doubt.
My heart is no longer mine to control,
it has leapt from my chest to your hands.
Can you feel the hesitant beating?
Can you feel how fragile it is?
Juggle not with the heart that you hold
for it is the only one I have.
Too many times I have given out my trust
only to have it turn to ashes at my feet.
And when the time comes that you leave.
And you will leave.
They always do.
Promise me this:
Be kind to that heart that you hold.
Thrust deep and hard,
looking into my eyes,
when we say our final good-bye.
Wept the child tears of lead
for the scenes of depravity shone,
in times where all claim to be more
we show our true nature.
tearing at skin.
to hook and rip.
Words bartered back and forth
the innocent condemned.
My right, your right
we all scream for our perceived rights.
We jostle and push,
cattle in a stampede,
trodding on those
who get in the way.
The path is lost again and again
the mores, the truths.
The compass of souls is broken.
Never again to point us
in the right direction.
***Picture via Pintrest***
With tongue laced in acid
words drip venom down my chest
held deep within your binding spell
unable to tear myself away.
You rip me apart
words laden with bile and hatred
etching everlasting the loathing
that I carry within myself.
Voices dripping with disdain
a roar within my brain
ripping and tearing
the fragile fabric of ego
causing me to crumple in pain.
I raise my head
tears fleeing down my cheeks
defiant in the face of your abuse
pummelled by your voice no more.