Emotionless…..I wish

I wonder 
I do
what is wrong with me?
Why do you come
only to run
once you have seen the real me?
Headstrong
just one of my features.
Delicate
emotional
head full of dreams.
Fantasies built
when I should know better
for never has anyone cared
long enough to hold my hand
to learn what it is about me
that draws them in
then chases them away.
Sadness
just one emotion I feel daily.
I give so much.
I tell myself
forewarned is forearmed
not this girl
I just fall.
Fall…..
fall…..
twist and turn
there is no way free.
Loneliness
I smile 
no one knows.
Grey mist shrouding
I walk……
alone
this path I tread
the same always since childhood.
Always have I cared for myself
yet once I want for someone…..
someone who will care for me
make me their priority.
Love
a wish flung to the stars
made on birthday candles
never shall I find.
©July 11/19
Picture via Pinterest
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Ta Ta

A sigh of finality
letting this fantasy go
what was shared
gone forever more.
Tears well
shedding 
scattering 
prisms in my eyes
glancing down
heart breaking
I can no longer deny.
I stalk you
you stalk me
we know
we follow
we want to be.
In each others lives.
I wonder sometimes
if I am a fool?
If I read too much?
Old time romance
flowers at my feet
sweet words whispered in my ear
swept away
knocked to my knees.
Tick tock
I watch the clock
counting down
hours
minutes
seconds
admitting finally
to myself
you love me no more.
Tears sparkle
rainbow prisms on the wall
I forget…..
desperate to forget
what you showed me.
Love
desire
trust.
Why did you damage me such?
Why did I damage you?
I look up
you look down
dimwit
kneeling here.
I realize
you have said your good-byes.
I accept it now.
I bow my head
so none can see
fool that I am.
See not the tears
tremors of hands
lips curled down
forlorn
lost…..
 
Ta Ta 
hear the bells ring
death knell 
to our dream.
 
March !6/19

Untitled Poem Daily Word #13

Let me lay
in your arms
one more time
before we say good-bye….
I promise
I won’t cry.
I long for you.
I compare others to you.
I am just a fool.
I watch the crowd pass before me
eyes searching
for the one who is not there.
I listen to the traffic outside my window
wishing it was you I could hear.
I know
(shoulder shrug)
you do not want me…..
damn maybe you do…..
we do not know
how to restart again.
There is no plan
no design
I would like to know
is there a possibility?
I suppose
if you did
(have a plan)
you would reach out
on bended knee
begging me please
not to walk away from you.
Alas
this fantasy I see
this love that I feel
is it the same for you?
I am so sorry.
I cry.
I shudder
sobs tearing through me.
I am on my knees
making you uncomfortable
because…..
I make you feel.
I make you miss
the love we shared.
Time….. 
slow moving
fast moving
ebbing away. 
I need to know
so I can finally let go
if it is never meant to be.
January 15/19

Ignore

Dreams of you……
I rose with tears in my eyes
pillow soaked 
for images I was sure I had buried
are raging through my head.
I want to be so angry.
I want to scream
rail
storm
revile you to all I know
but I cannot.
I want to hide.
Memories
strong 
good
us together
dance passed.
Cowering behind the door
hiding from the monsters of our past
I cannot go on.
I cannot….. 
I cannot…..
I cannot…..
Summer’s sweet blush
a love once true
that could have been us.
Heart wrecked
shredded 
torn
destroyed 
in one callous act.
Today I wish I could say goodbye.
Instead 
a physical ache
grips my body tight
wracking me
shattering my bones
while I scream at the night.
Everyone wonders
why I cannot let go
why I still love you so.
How do I explain
that you relit the passion
that had been missing from my life?
I miss your arms.
I have forgotten the taste of your lips.
When next you see me
gaze upon me fondly
quietly ignoring the tears.
January 14/19
Photo by Meghan Holmes on Unsplash

Untitled Poem Daily Word #12

I awoke this morning
from a beautiful dream
of me and you 
laying together 
building a future 
for ourselves
that can now no longer be true.
Tears
stream
seep
soak the pillow beneath me
as I lay 
my hand outstretched to that cold place beside
where once you did lay.
Every time I believe…..
I believe I have shuttered my heart
against the pain
the anguish
the sudden slam of memories
I discover 
I am wrong.
My heart
thawing beneath your love.
You shattered
destroyed
obliterated
the marble cage I had built
melted the barriers of ice between bars
reaching in
making me believe
in true love again.
I keep writing the same love song
humming it along
hoping to stem the flow of tears
weariness
pain
that I feel.
When does it end?
I do not even know.
I ask of you
when does it end?
I awoke before you could answer
tears shimmering 
unchecked
unfallen
in the corner of your eyes
as you reached for me
making my heart bleed again.
 
January 5/19

Untitled Poem #8

There is a lump in my throat
panic filling my body.
I cannot breathe.
Were you to see me
you would never know
the thoughts rearing through my head.
There was no good morning.
No hello.
No good night.
Immediately that voice
sneering with derision
begins to babble in my ear
how I could have fucked up
between last night
this morning
this afternoon?
(when has it every worked?)
I close my eyes
to erase
to cease
to freeze
the voices inside my head.
Deep breathe.
Neither help
to collapse the pit
forming in my stomach.
Logically
I do know that I am a fool.
Emotionally
the voice hisses
reaping
gorging
breeding
on my fear
my worries
my tears
self-doubt making me crawl
within my own skin.
I remain quiet
not wanting you to know
suffering the dark voices
tears slowly seeping
from the corner of my eyes.
***I originally wrote this September 6/18.
I reworked it today to include the Word of the Day Challenge
Dubious.***
Photo by MMPR on Unsplash

Massacre

I hate you.
Seriously hate you.
As I sit in my my car
weeping
screaming inside my head
for you to shut the fuck up!
I cannot take it
not much longer
why can I not be allowed
this happiness?
Why must you dig in
claws crooked
shredding
tearing
massacring
me?
Locked within these black walls
cavernous
lost
scared to move
tentative steps
hands stretched out
afraid of what is in front of me.
Hear the scrabble
tiny claws
skittering towards me
giggles
echo around me
nails on a chalkboard.
Surrounded
tiny imps
all wearing my face
pointing
ascending
digging beneath my skin
ripping at my heart
until
there is nothing left.
Just me
staring blankly at these four walls
entrapped in insanity.
November 14/18