It’s time…..

Went into work today with my return to work note. I feel that returning to work 4 hours a day 5 times a week is the best for me. It is what is healthiest for both my mental and emotional well being. I also do not want to jump back in with both feet. I am quite content to work in customer service or cashiering. Reassess after I have been back for awhile.
I was scared to go in and talk to my boss. Very scared. At first I sent off a message to a friend who I discuss everything with.  Than I told the girls. Also explaining to them that I had snarled at T this morning. Than I talked to V.  Told her that despite all my bravery that I was scared shitless to talk to him. I was afraid that he was going to want to talk about what happened and I did not want to revisit it. That was a bad place for me. And that I was worried that I might cry.
First V assures me that losing it on T was totally normal. Kids do not listen to us and it is damn frustrating. And she is right. I had to ask him three or four times to get in the bathroom and brush his teeth. As a matter of fact, I grabbed him by his arm and pushed him into the bathroom. This after snarling at him about the shower this morning. He stank. Badly. But he was annoyed that I did not wake him up at 6. He tried to push back. I pounded on the bed that he was going to shower because he stunk. We went back and forth. He ended up showering.
V reminded me that we were the parents. We made the choices and rules. They had to listen and follow them. She said the right thing at the right time. Now instead of using ‘because I said so’ I am going to pull out the choice and rule law. Way to go V. Coming up with a great way to explain to my child and all children why they must listen to their parents.
Than she addressed my fear about crying. Assured me that it was okay. And to remember that our boss is human too.
I felt so good after talking to her. Calm. There were some twinges in my stomach but nothing overwhelming to me.
Now fast forward to arriving at work. I was terrified to walk in there. I sat in the car and said my affirmations. I shot off a few quick messages of and got out of the car. First I had to drop my prescription  off at the pharmacy and than I went to the front and had boss paged. Gave him the note and he read it. We were going upstairs to discuss my return.
I waited outside his office. Flicked through my phone. And than he came up and I followed him in.
I did it though. I was calm. The butterflies in my stomach disappeared. I looked him the eye and maintained eye contact. I had been wanting to come back slowly and had been going to suggest customer service or cashiering shifts. So it was very easy to agree when he made the suggestion. He wants to observe me. I need to regain his trust. The trust of the other supervisors and staff.
I told him that by far, my well being, emotionally and mentally are what is important to me. That I no longer was going to look down the road but will remain in the present. And than he suggested that I may decide that I did not want to remain as the lead supervisor. At first, I think my reaction was knee jerk when I said to him that I could still do it.
This is food for thought. I have learned a lot about myself in the last three months. And like the butterfly breaking free from the cocoon I am spreading my wings in the sunshine. Ready to soar.


Tears escape
traveling over pale cheeks
lost within this
yet unable to discern why?
Days have been good.
Very very good.
When I feel like this,
unable to exercise
I begin to fear.
Fear that after all my hard work
I am falling
back to the beginnng of my time.
That this lovely dream
that I have built
is exactly that,
a dream that I will awaken from.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
March 15/17

Conquering Queen

Yesterday I received a text from the Ex indicating that his S.O. (significant other) was not working and that T could stay the night there. At first I was annoyed. I think I erased my text two before coming up with ‘Whatever T would like is fine with me.’ The reason that I put the choice in T’s hands is that this is his dad’s week with him. So he would see him before work last night and before school this morning. The first time in a long time. And I already knew what the answer would be. I did not hear back so text the Ex after awhile to check on T’s response.  And he said yes, he wanted to stay at his dad’s.
When I saw that single word response to my text my heart ached and I stifled a sob.
Even though the Ex and me share custody of T I have become use to having him here every night. We have a routine. And I get to see him every single day. So not seeing him last night was a kick in the pants. I had planned to see him. I was waiting to hear about his day. Now I had to reorganize my thoughts. Tears welled in my eyes, and there was pain. I decided that I would do the dishes thinking that if I had something to concentrate on it would not pain me so much.
As I stood at the sink, tears overcame me. My eyesight blurred and I gave into the sadness for a minute. And than I did what I do best now I talked to myself.
‘Jay you can feel sad but you need to get use to this. You need to get use to having one week where you are not going to have T. You won’t see him. This is normal. You have become greedy given that you are seeing him every day. Obviously he is going to want to stay at his dad’s, after all it is his week with him.’
I am not saying that I was feeling 100% better but I calmed down. And by the time that I was done the dishes and back on the couch, I had settled. I had come to peace with myself. Or so I thought.
Today as I am exercising I am looking at myself and critically. I am not liking what I see. There are small tweaks here and there that I could make. Where I was a year ago to where I am today is a huge difference. I am not drinking. I am not taking pills. I am working out. I am writing. But today I was not being nice to myself. I looked the wrong way at myself and decided that that was it, no more pizza. No more sweets. I text a friend and said over and over that I knew my thoughts were insane.
And as we text I realize I was being hypercritical of myself. Subconsciously something was at work and I think that I have figured it out.
I was sad yesterday and even though I did not consciously think it, I wondered what I had done wrong. Why did T not want to come spend the night here? Where had I failed that he would stay at his dad’s even when his dad is not home?  I had no control in that situation at all because I had given it all over to T and his decsion.
And my feelings were hurt. I really had thought that T was going to want to come and spend the night here with me. And because I could not admit that to myself the highly critical freak me rose to the occassion. I pushed down what I was feeling. I had cried but I did not say outloud  that I was hurt. Because that was wrong. I should not feel that way.
I am allowed to have feelings. In acknowledging this the critic in me, who was trying to skew my thinking and pull me back into an obsession with my body image, has been kicked to the curb.
This is a huge step for me. Admitting I am allowed to have feelings. Admitting that yes, I was hurt that T chose to stay at his dad’s last night but I understand why he made that choice. T is going to hurt me over and over again. That is what children do. The broader world at large does not exist for them. They are the center of their world and the immediate family is in their orbit. I will never tell T about how much it hurt. I did feel like he was picking his dad over me.
And he was because it is his dad’s week with him.  Just like he would chose to come home to me if this was my week.
Once more T has taught me a lesson. And in doing so he has helped me. I have a body image problem that I am acknowledging for the first time ever. I realized this because I stuffed the emotions down and than looked at myself for little things that I could criticize and than concentrate on fixing. That I could control. Perfect. Nothing is perfect, least of all me. And slowly but surely, all those parts of me, the ones that are not healthy, are becoming absorbed within me.
I saw very quickly what I was doing. This did not take me a week to figure out, a month, hell it did not even take me 24 hours to realize what I was doing and put an end to it. Each time I catch myself exhibiting behaviour that can trip me up I conquer it. That is not to say that it will not appear elsewhere but it is the catching it that is important here. Once caught I can change the way that I think and slowly but surely eliminate the behaviours that can harm me.

All signs point to…..

I had to run out this morning to grab a few items. Went to Canadian Tire. I have a spot removal machine and have been searching high and low for the cleaning liquid and Oxy boost liquid. Canadian Tire was my last resort. I needed a few other things too. Laundry detergent. A key cut. I headed off to the Automotive department to have the key cut where they no longer do this. I need to go to the Paint department. Needless to say each department is a store length apart. I was juggling the two liquid containers and the pack of Tide pods.
I am left handed. Being left handed means that I cannot draw a straight line. Now before all the left handers of the world revolt and start pitching the wronghanded scissors at me this is not a phenomenon that all left handers share. But it was the only excuse that my shop teacher was willing to accept when he could not figure out why, even with a T ruler, my lines were still crooked. Slanted. Which means that all the pictures in my house when hung together, are not artistically positioned that way, I am as inept at that as well.
I admire people whose homes are put together with color schemes. The cushions tieing into the drapery to the who knows what else. The ones who could paint murals on their walls. Free hand cute sayings on the walls. Me, I am not sure what you would call my style. I mean I only got a real bed frame the summer of 2016. For several months my mattress was on the floor. Got an actual comforter set, matching, for my birthday this year. That is it though. I am a comfort person. Clothes. How I live. What I eat. I am ecclectic I guess one would say. Both with my style and my personality.
That being said let’s get back to Canadian Tire. I am heading towards the Paint deparment when suddenly right there, in my path is a roundy round display stand with sayings on it. Usually I would breeze by. These are the type of things that are going to be the individual letters and like hell I can make them straight on the wall. But than I glanced down and ‘If you can dream it you can do it’ pops up at me. Hmmmmmmmm okay so like the candle telling me that I am worthy of my dreams here is another nudge. I pick up the package and flip it over, figuring that I could make it work somehow. Imagine how delighted I was to discover they are peel and stick. And only $2. Grabbed it and stepped back.
My eyes fell on the next one. ‘Change your thoughts and you Change your World’. Wow, that was all I could think. Of course I had to pick that one up as well.
When I got home, the first thing I did was peel and stick. The Dream is on the bathroom mirror. So that every time I am in there I will see it and read it. It is a mantra for me to follow. And I am in the bathroom often, our washer and dryer are also in there. Change is above the computer. I sit facing it on the couch. Every time I lift my eyes I see it and read it. And cry.
I don’t know why I am crying. I am happy. I am slowly getting myself ready to go back to work. T and me, we are working at building our relationship stronger and closer. I myself am getting stronger.  My mental health is good and I know what I must do to maintain it.
The universe is obviously trying its damndest to tell me something. And I am going to listen.20180312_1106061684248282.jpg

I did it!

Yesterday was a huge success day for me.  I can acknowledge how far I have come now. And it is huge. I am doing the happy dance while sitting on the couch as I type this I am so excited.
I am a planner. Time and structure has a lot to do with it because I can than make sure that I am in control. Nothing can blindside me. T is much like me in this regard as was evidenced when he got mad at me because, wait for it, I did not wake him up at 6 a.m. on Saturday morning. Much pouting and anger were shown. Refusal to shower because he had to shower at 6. Within about 15 minutes, I was pretty tired of the #6 and a.m. Finally I looked at him and said: T, I understand that you are angry with me because I did not wake you up at 6. You are disappointed in me. I accept that but nothing is going to change the fact that I did not wake you up so please let us just move on from this.’
He was not happy with me at all. Whether he thought that if I fought with him I would yell and he could feel justified in his anger, or I really don’t know, but he glared at me his mouth pursed. I finally heard from M that they were up and told T that he needed to get ready. This was his sleepover day with his bff K. I think both boys live for these saturdays more than anything else. He stomped around here and snapped that he had no pants to put on. No socks. I went to the laundry basket and in seconds found what he was looking for. Than he tried to tell me that the socks I had brought him were mine.
I went out to the car and started it. I had not used it since Friday morning and it was -15 with a real feel of -26. Celsius. Came back into the house as T came out of the bathroom. A transformation had been performed. His hair was brushed. His teeth were brushed. He looked neat and tidy. He smelled good without it being overbearing. (He is 9 with an obsession for Axe) He looked at me and smiled sweetly. I awaited the angry boy to return but within seconds it was apparent that he had switched into sweet cherub mode.
We left the house at 9:26. Went to Mcdonald’s where T commented on the service. He is very bothered by what he views as a lack of service at the one Mcdonald’s we have in a city of over 15,000. I realized that the Hold button was flashing on the panel. This was not good. I told T that it was on and that we might have to make alternate arrangements. We were chatting away and I was okay when doing up to 80km/hour when I realized that the car was not shifting. We made it to Mitchell and pulled into the gas station parking lot.
I shot a text off to the Ex and than got out of the car to check fluids. I figured that I should make sure that the oil and transmission fluid were both alright and they were. I called M in a slight panic and told her what was going on. Wondered if she could come and pick T up and than I would drive out Sunday a.m. to pick him up. Except that the Ex had text back. He was up. And we could take the car to his place and he would scan it for me. I sent a quick text off to M saying to hold off I might still be able to drive T out.
Off we went to the Ex’s. T and me talking and listening as the engine is reving at 4000 rpm’s and I am cringing. I dropped back down to 80 in a 100 zone and tootled along. Got to the Ex’s and waited while he scanned the car. And it wasn’t working. I got into the backseat and text M to give her and update. T told Ex that he had not been to school all week. That he had been sick. And I projected my fear that the Ex was going to call my mothering skills into account, that I immediately listed off all of T’s symptoms. The Ex didn’t even say a word, and I realized it was me. I am T’s mother and I would know if he was scamming me. I can make these decisions without having to feel that it is wrong.
The Ex finally realized that he had the wrong ‘key’ for the scanner and retrieved the right one. Up came the code for Coolant Temperature Sensor. And when he cleared the code, the car shifted down and it was hoped that I could now drive without concern. I do need to call around and find the sensor and pricing but we were good to go. By now it is 10:30, the time that I had hoped that I was going to be dropping T off. Shot M a text and said we were off. And we were and the car shifted into overdrive. Wohoo, I told T (I Had already profusely thanked the Ex) to send his dad a text and tell him that he is the most awesome and again thank you. T says I already did before we left mom.
I was a little nervous at first but as the car continued to behave, I became a more and more confident. We were cruising along. I made the cloverleaf onto the perimeter coolly and calmly. Taking the cloverleaf off onto the #1 to head into M’s, it suddenly dawned on me. I had done it. Today I had been thrown a loop and I came through it without breaking down. I did it.
First my time line had been thrown off. I had it in my head that we would leave at 9:30, there by 10:30 back by 11:30. Finish cleaning the apartment by 12:30 and rest of time was my own to do what I wanted. Now I was an hour behind. I had gotten a little snappy when I again projected that T was going to blame me for the car failure. So I apologized to him. T looked at me incredulously and said mom you did not do this.’
Than I had called M to ask her come and get T rather than texting and fretting waiting for her to get back to me. Texting the Ex I had not expected that he would get back to me until later in the day. That he did and was willing to scan the car for me was an added bonus. The car acting up in the first place. Reading that one should not be shifting gears as it could damage the engine and hoping that mine was not about to blow up. That it is something easy to fix.
Before I would have been in a tailspin. My entire day would have been skewed because of all these things. Yesterday though, yes, there was a brief moment of accelerated heart rate, I was a little sweaty. I did not cry. I did not rage. I did not blame things on the unseen or think that the world was out to get me. I handled it. I had a plan and I followed through. And I cheered for myself.
I told T as we sat at the light and he said you know what mom, you are right. You did a great job.
And there we have it.
I did a great job. I took a huge step. I can see a difference and I am loving it.


Will there every be a time
when the tears cease?
When this overwhemling sadness
choses to leave
will I still be here?
I feel lost within
and lost without
as though I spiral ever downwards
without a safety net to catch me.
Free falling
into oblivion
away from this pain
away from everything.
Will there ever come a time
when the tears stop?
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
January 23/18

Mirror Image

***Image found via Pintrest***
Standing before the mirror
staring at the image within
seeing black shadows
grasping round the frame.
Poking and grabbing
at the image of me
causing her pain
me pain?
I do not even know any more.
For once again
I cannot tell
the truth of reality
and deception.
For all I can see
in the mirror image
are the tears flowing within.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
January 1 2018