Endless Time

Hard
no explanation
no words
encompass
emotions fled
tears fall
voiceless
mouth moves
no one
never anyone
hears
caught up
caught behind
false life
pretending glories
mirrored falsities
one upon another
building
lives further
further from truth
further from sanity
further from…..
very 
very 
sad.
Wrapped
wet linens of melancholy
trapped
burgeoning fears
standing on the lip
bizarre mirage
flickering in the future
never
to be found…..
oasis lost.
Sad
truly
truly 
sad.
Wade the depths
sink slowly
beneath
blue waves
float
graceless
eyes wide
tears gather
stars wonder
last breath
time to say good bye
for this sad
it has climbed within
unable to find succor
I want it all to end.
©January 28/21
Picture is my own

It’s Alive!

T and I are sitting here this morning having a chat.
I have been on a MEW (Menopausal Emotional Wave) this morning and am crying again.
T: Mom why are you crying?
Me: IDK I am weird.
T: Mom what is wrong with you?
Me: Nothing.
T: Mom did I tell you I thought I grew a tumor?
Me: No (eyebrow rising slightly)
T: Yeah I put my sweats on and all of a sudden there was a bulge where my gitch end on my thigh.
Me (giggling): So in the thirty no ten seconds it took to pull your pants on you thought you grew a tumor?
T: Well yeah. At first I thought it was my underwear and then I realized…..it was a pair of socks.
I was still crying but from laughter this time.
I told him that his dad’s ex had offered to lend me her 5 cup coffee maker until I can go and buy one.
Not an essential item here.
T asks me if we are suppose to not be talking to the exes.
Are we not suppose to cut them off.
Me: No. It is different with your dad and them. With me they come to me for I Am The Queen of all Exes!
T: Mom!
Me: What I am. They come talk to me. Your dad comes to talk to me. They all come to the Queen.  She who is just and wise.
T was giggling.
This segued into a conversation about relationships and kids his age.
And no one needs to be in a relationship.
Well this lead to him already knowing that kids his age can also be having sex.
Which lead to an interrogation by me.
There is a group text that the kids have.
There is a new young lady who is ‘messed right up mom’ in their school.
T tells me he keeps leaving the group and keeps getting added back in.
Once upon a time I might have thought twice about that but I do know how group chats work.
I asked how he knew this.
Was it something she said?
T: No mom it was something someone said in this group chat.
Me: That is wrong. Did you tell them that they should not be repeating information like that. That that is gossiping and it can lead to bullying.
Which could then lead to suicide attempts if not successes. 
Promptly burst into tears.
Me: And it is even worse because you guys now have phones. It is instantaneous. T. You need to say something. And someone needs to let a teacher know. She is only 12. 
T: Mom.
Me: I know that it is hard but maybe if someone had done that for me I would not have been all fucked up until 2017.
T: Mom.
Me: T I want you to be a better person than I was. 
T: Well I already am a better person than you.
We both started to laugh.
His dad arrives and we head up the stairs.
Me: T I have always believed that you are meant for great things.
T: Every parent believes that.
Me: I know that but I think you are meant to change something. So I want you to be ready. It is hard being the different one.
T: Okay mom.
Opens door.
Me: Hello? No kiss goodbye? No hug? You make sure you give one to your dad.
T shakes his head and I get hug and kiss.
Me: I love you.
T: I love you too.
Me: Have a great weekend with your dad. Love you 
T: You’re welcome.
Me: What?
T: I don’t know mom. I love you too.
I love these early mornings that he and I have been having. And I hope that they continue although I know that eventually his dad is either going to go to days or T will be old enough to stay alone and these mornings will be gone.
Damn MEW!
©Jan.15/21
Picture is my own