As Hard as it is I have to say Goodbye

The absence is felt
gaping
hole in my heart;
where once you resided.
Cut free
wrenched from my circle
my life
dimmer
for lack of you in it.
I have tried.
I have given space.
I have given time.
The divide is ever greater
and I ache
for the loss of a friend.
Someone who never judged.
Who always encouraged.
Who never let me falter.
And though the promise is in the air
I know
it won’t be kept
it cannot be kept
and my heart breaks
for I love you.
Adopted you.
You are family.
And sometimes
as in all families
I must learn to let go.
 
©Oct. 2/21
Picture is my own

Fears

Everyone fears something.
From spiders to flying to dogs to cats to cars to spontaneous combustion.
The last one may be a little more out there but you can bet that it has happened.
How do I know this for sure?
For there is a warning label on my dryer that I should stand clear in case of spontaneous combustion.
To be honest that and drowning are the two worst ways I can imagine dying.
I can swim like a fish and all my fires are contained.
Was I once a witch?
I floated so they burned me?????
 
I have given voice to two fears this week.
And in doing so I am hoping that they will lose the power to continue to cause me grief.
 
#1-Crying when I watch T ride off on his bike to school.
Every day.
And I could not figure out why.
Finally last Monday after I got to work, having sat in the car crying, I asked myself:
Jay what is it that you fear? What is it that makes you cry when you see T ride off?
I am afraid that it is the last time I might see him.
As I write this I am teary eyed and not because I am worried any longer but the relief that I now know what the cause was and could deal with it.
Tuesday as we said good-bye I told T that I had gotten to the root cause of my crying and told him what it was.
Did not cry for the rest of the week.
 
#2-Having a real issue this year with aging.
I have never had a problem with the milestone ages I think I have mentioned this before.
But the off years 27/38/49 they have been hard.
I think about my age and the thoughts that rage through my mind:
-I wasted so much time under the influence
-I wasted time of T’s life being a drunk and stoned on pills.
-I hurt my son
-I am only now coming to life. (not like today but having left the ex and in finding my way on my own)
-I fear that I am not going to be around to see T grow up.
 
I am not ill.
Kidneys/Brain/Liver have all been tested and seen.
Nothing wrong with any of them.
Which leaves my heart.
Drugs.
Alcohol.
Cigarettes.
I can only begin to imagine the state of it.
 
I am not courting death.
I am not laying around bemoaning  the choices I made.
I take responsibility.
And overall I am totally healthy.
 
Yesterday I gave voice to my death fear.
Told M all about it as I sobbed.
She informed me that she too has thought of it.
And determined that due to K (her 3rd child and one of T’s best friends)  and her grandchildren that she is not allowed to die.
And by that extension I am not allowed to die because she cannot be responsible for both boys.
Her concern: her death will surely follow from the death stench of their farts.
 
I am putting my fears out there.
Not only speaking them aloud but setting them free in my writing.
With this step I am hoping that I can shake loose these feelings and go back to enjoying my life and time with T.
 
©Sept. 20/21
Picture is my own
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