Sad….Not Sad Anymore

I am sitting here at 6:49 a.m. yogurt eaten, coffee on the table, I can hear the birds chirping away outside and it is Friday.

Monday-Wednesday for sure felt like a long continuation of Monday. Yesterday began like another Monday but morphed into a really great day. Work went awesome. I was able to talk to customers and laugh. A lot of laughing. I was able to accomplish all tasks without feeling drained. And I finished the day with a massage.

I wrote that I had made a plan and I am going to follow it.

  1. Affirmations. I had fallen away from saying mine and have restarted. Those words have more power than anything anyone could say to me because they are my truths of myself.
  2. Working out. I was up at 5:00 a.m. did my half hour on the bike and my 7 minutes abs exercise. And for those of you who scoff at the 7 minutes let me see you do it. LOL
  3. Writing. Besides the blog post and the poem last evening I also finished off another poem that I am just in love with. I need to tweak it a little before it will be ready. K says I am insane she can never really tell what it is that I have changed.
  4. Reading.
  5. Going to pick up my glasses today. (Not a thing I will do every day but I am excited)
  6. Not beating myself up.
  7. Remembering that I have people that I can reach out to. Talk to. I do not have to hide behind my strength, it is okay every once in awhile to have a mood and discuss it. No one is going to run screaming away from me.
  8. Admitting that I kinda miss having someone in my life. Not going any further.
  9.  The small things that keep me on track: making bed, doing dishes, tidying counter before leaving for work.
  10. Smile.

With these 10 items on my list, I cannot lose.

Also with the friends that I have made here on WordPress I cannot tell you how much I appreciated all your kind words and support. I cried when I read them because it makes the world so much smaller, so much dearer when you know that people are out there in all corners of the world rooting for and supporting you.

Today is going to be a great day. 🙂

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Lessons Learned

This was a week of lessons for both myself and T. I think too that it has been a hard week for him as the amount of time the Ex has spent with him has been minimal. I cannot even work up anger. I am resigned. I am sad for T. I cannot make him change. I cannot make him see the young man who is growing up right in front of our eyes. T is playing Farming Simulator as I sit here typing this.

I was excited because I am able to listen to my music on my notebook while writing and also watch T play Farming Simulator. I believe I have explained before? Long story short you build up a farm. People create maps and you go farm. Drive around. It is a popular game judging by the amount of Youtube videos I have been subjected to. At the moment I am sitting here with our shared headphones on (the ones that cover the whole ear not inserted buds that would be gross) listening to Florida Georgia Line. Basically I load the entire album and start at the beginning. Today may be the first time in a long time that I get through the very long list.

We had two rather comedic episodes that left me gasping for air I was laughing so hard.

Yesterday morning I was about to wash the bathroom floor and asked T if he wanted to go use the bathroom before I did. He said yes. As he is climbing down his ladder I stand there  and tell him he is not to pee on the floor, the seat, the side, nowhere but into the toilet as I had just finished cleaning it. As a matter of fact, I suggested that he straddle the toilet and push it down to pee straight in. With hand pantomimes. T stared at me in absolute horror and as I turned away informed me that that was the absolute worst advice ever. And if I had one I would totally understand why. I giggled again typing this up.

Later in the day as I was driving him to the Ex’s for his night with him T was muttering away about what an absolute boring evening it was going to be. That none of his friends could come over. It was going to be dad, grandpa and grandma. I

I am trying something new. We are all programmed to notice the negative, the absurd, in other people’s pain. We mock others to make ourselves feel better about our own selves. When T and me had our long conversation the other week I told him that we needed to change. That we needed to look for the positive no matter how hard it is going to be. And it is going to be hard. I mock others. I make fun of them to others. I am no saint as I told K and P. It is a habit, a trait, who knows but it needs to be changed. Now the other day when I dropped T off at school I mocked the bright color of one of his classmate’s snowsuit. I tried to recover by saying at the very least we would not lose him in a snowstorm. Told him that he was not to make fun of the boy to which he emphatically told me he would never. I told him I was sorry. That I should never have made a comment and about a child’s snowsuit nonetheless.

So back to T and me, driving to the Ex’s. Grandma and grandpa are visiting. T is going to be bored. I suggest that he could hang out with grandma. And glanced over to see him looking at me like this. Yes I pulled over and took this picture. Mom, he leans forward his arm on the back of the seat, that male posture when they want to tell you something really important in the car, Grandma is old. And she is annoying. The laughter escaped me and I tried to stifle it. I looked at T and explained to him that grandma really loved him. That she wanted to spend time with him. As he is muttering away, frowny face on, arms crossed. That was when I learned something new about T.

I suggested (I am great for suggesting things) that he might want to spend some time with grandma because she would not be around forever. And he said no that was not true. Um yes, unfortunately we all die someday. Nope, we get another life. I looked over at T and said you think after we die we get a different life. Yep. So you believe in reincarnation. Yeah like having past lives and all that. We get to be together in the next life too. There are times when T reminds me how so very special he is. He also believes that had he been born a girl, the Ex and me would have still been his/her parents. The life would have been the same just pink. He expanded my mind right there.

Today he was annoyed that I had picked him up from his friend’s so early. Had thought that he was going to be staying there until 5 p.m. He was angry with me and refusing to talk. So I thanked him. I could have argued until I was blue in the face with him about his attitude but again I am trying different things to find what works for us. I want to stop that cycle I have seen myself falling into. But no, I thanked him. And waited. Finally he asked for what.

I told that I had taken his suggestion and had started writing a story the night before. Wanted to know what it was about so I gave him a quick a synopsis. Explained that what had started off as a short story about one thing had morphed into something else totally different. My main character had a story to tell we were just figuring it out. I thanked him again and he said you are welcome. I felt it was a small victory and we chatted and laughed all the way home.

Once home with chores taken care of I went to grab the headphones and T was loading his game. Asked where the headphones were. As if I didn’t know, he had taken them into his room one day watching Youtube and left them in there. He fought with me. Told me I had taken them and put them somewhere and it was not his fault that I could not remember. I took the remote for the XBox and sat down on the couch explaining that he could have the remote back once he checked his room.

He argued with me and I kept my cool. I did not yell. I did not let my temper get the best of me. I spoke calmly and repeated that he would get the remote once he had gone to look for the headphones. Finally I said that if he was sure they were not there could he please just humor me and go take a look. Stood in the door and said looked. Uh-uh get up there and look.

I heard him climb up into his bed and silence. After a few moments I got up and double checked the table and counter just in case I was being a hardass for something I had in fact done. I stood watching him from the doorway as he climbed down and threw the headphones at me. I think he thought I was going to crow and say I told you so. Or some form of that. Instead I said thank you I really appreciate that you looked for them. Warned him I might sing and was that okay? I was informed that it was most definitely not cool to sing out loud. I made no promises. He giggled.

I need to be his example. I cannot expect him to act one way and for me to act another. I will slip. I am sure that I will make a mocking comment about someone, and snort giggle when reading memes on FB again I am no saint. But I will actively work to do this. For both of us. And in a world full of negatives looking for the positive is hard. And that is when I learned my second lesson.

What I do now is easy. I am in my home. Being a good example is not hard when I am not interacting with others for extended time periods. I will be going back to work. I will be around toxic people who are going to attempt to shame me. Those who are going to judge me. Not celebrating with me as I recover from this bout of depression. That I am emerging a better stronger woman. And it is going to be hard to not to give in. To not laugh at that little aside about a coworker. A dis about an employee. An irate customer. Being tired. I could come up with a thousand reasons why I slipped back and forget what I was doing this for in the first place.

Yes in part this is a step in my mental health and realizing that I was following a cycle that my father got from his mother. I was yelling at T and several times during the week I cut myself off from phrases he said. I need to break it here and now. But this is for Tember. Our children are our future, and I want to encourage T to see the good first before having to process the bad.

 

Thank You

I started this blog just over a year ago.
As of today Monday Feb. 27th I reached a milestone. I have 250 followers on my blog.
I want to say thank you to everyone. And I am beyond humbled that my words are being read by people I have never met. That I can entertain you.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 💗💗

Thank You

A year ago today I began this blog, this journey that I have been on through my writing, my life.

I began this blog to get back into the rhyme of writing. I closed the door on my writing a really long time ago. Twenty years give or take. I thought, oh I will write about my life as a mom, T, some poetry. Figured that if I could get my family and friends to like it and follow me, well hey than that was okay.

It took a little doing, writing at least once or twice a week. I never planned it out, just wrote whatever came to mind. And than the poetry flowed a little although I was hesitant to share. Than I began a slip into depression and I began to write about that.

I should mention that during this time mom was following me. K3 and omg real live people. That is right, there were people out there that I did not know (thus were not obligated to tell me that what I wrote was good/decent/okay), who would read and like my writings. And I began to feel proud of what I was doing with my writing.

Using this blog to be able to get out my depression, my anger, my fear and my pain has been a life saver. I rode that depressive blip as I am calling my spring fall from grace, out with the use of this blog. I found it freeing to write it all down, share it and it calmed my spirit, my soul.

I began to write more and more. Suddenly it was becoming a daily thing. There was an outpouring of creativity. And if I were to go throughout the day without writing, whether it was an idea, the beginning of a blog, a poem, there was something wrong.

I am about to embark on another journey. One that includes addiction, depression, anxiety, self-worth issues, delusions for the need of perfection and why. And I will write about it, because for me, my words, that is part of my healing. Part of making sense of myself for myself.

What I really started out to say, was I want to thank all of you who have dropped by, read my stories and liked them. I know some of what I write may not be everyone’s cup of tea and that is okay, but I appreciate each and everyone of you who has come along on this ride and decided that they didn’t mind how I drove the Crazy Bus.  🙂

Hello And Welcome

Good Morning All!

I have been a busy bee this morning.

I realized in looking over my blog, that I had way too many categories and duplicates of poetry, writings etc.

So this morning, since 6:30 a.m. (it is now 11:19 a.m. my time) I have been re-organizing and streamlining my categories. I have added more tags, but each item is categorized only once with the exception of my Fantasy-Poetry. It will still also appear in the Poetry Category.

I also in my infinite wisdom determined that I should clean up the images I have added and make more space for my own photos. Not that I have not enjoyed looking for and finding the perfect images to compliment my work, but I realized I have not been giving credit where credit is due. And that is so unfair to those whose works I have stolen without meaning too. I just really like the images.

Well, as I am going along and deleting, not reading what is on the screen, it finally hits my tiny little brain that there are more words than just ‘are you sure you want to delete?’ It actually reads when deleted it will be deleted across the board. Soooooooo I quickly pop over into my poetry and sure enough some of the images I had used are now gone. I will now have to go in and see if I can find any photos of my own to use or see if I was smart and did not delete off my computer.

For those who have been with me in my journey to those who have just joined in on the madness that is my poetry, my writing and my life. The humor and sometimes the sadness that I see, I hope that you will all enjoy.  And I hope that it will be easier for you to navigate through my blog. Looking for and finding pieces to enjoy.

Thank you everyone for helping me to realize my dream.

 

My Mother

I just had a thought. My mother, who is very in tune with the way that I feel and the ups and downs of my emotions must be having a panic attack. Not literally, but in the back of her mind, there is that worry. Is she going down that road again? How do I help her? What can I say to make it all better?

My writings of late have been about my depression but my poetry is a freedom of expression. For all the poems I have written every single one, my mom struggles to understand. She use to say to me, ‘It is good, but does it have to be so bleak?’ And I did not know how to answer. Bleak is what I do, it is what I relate to. And now this is seguing from a conversation about my mother to the evolution of my poetry.

I have always been dark. I like twists and turns, and devious minds. I like feeling scared (i.e. jumping out from behind the door and scaring the shit out of me) and my poetry has always reflected that. My poetry has been an expression for my feelings. Not always but for the most part, yes it has.

Until now. Now I am finding that I can twist and turn words and I can create imagery that is blindingly there, in front of your eyes. Which leads me back to my mother. I wrote a poem and posted it about abuse. My mom and my BFF freaked. They thought it was indicative of my emotions. At one time it might have been, but now, I have found the freedom to expand beyond that. To take my feelings and emotions and twist and spin them so that they tell a story.

So back to my mom…..she worries about me, she tries very hard to understand me, she supports me and is my cheerleader from hell and back……I am certain she would probably fight the devil himself for custody of me (and truth be told he would give me back ’cause who but my mom is gonna get me) and she has given me the freedom to be me….

Hey mom, I am saying this for the world to hear, I love you and appreciate all the things that you have done for me. And most of all…..thanks for believing in me.

Understanding

I had a conversation tonight that made me think. When one is going through the depths of depression, we are not aware of the environment around us. We are not aware, or I am not aware of the stresses that I put others through. I mean, I know with the bf I was angry and argumentative and I was trying to drive him away. Why? Because it fit with the way I was feeling, the emotions that were whirling through my head. So, how do you explain to someone who has never been through it what you are going through?

Again, due to this conversation, both of us realized there is a real face to diseases like cancer, diabetes, ms, parkinsons, dementia, but when it comes to depression there is no physical ailment. There is no understanding. It is not as though you can see a physical change in the person.  Yes, it is a chemical imbalance in my brain. But you cannot see it. What you see is one day I appear to be moping around and the next, I am so hyper and high that you are not sure how to deal with me.

So I began to think…..how do I explain how I feel, what I see, what is going on that affects me? And I cannot. I am so wrapped up in my own misery and sadness, that I do not care. I do not even notice how I am affecting those around me. I begin to notice when I start being angry all the time, and that the smallest things make me rage. But I put it off as others not caring and I take it all into myself.

All I can hear are the voices in my head, the ones that taunt me, tease me, tell me the things that I do not need nor want to hear. How I am a horrid mother, lover, friend. I am the world’s worst sister and daughter. And in doing so, I isolate myself so as to not subjugate anyone to the horror that has become me. I have not suddenly morphed into The Phantom of the Opera but I am most definitely within the Cersei  dispicable category.

Do I use my depression as an excuse for my behaviour? I do not know. Have I ever thought about how it affects those around me? I will admit that I have not. I have not even considered how hard it must be for someone standing on the outside trying to breach that wall. To have to stand there, to watch the person you care for tearing themselves apart and yet you do not know what to do? When you can feel their pain, as a palpable heart beat in the room, and yet you just do not know how to relate.

I caution patience. I caution self regard. I caution a little leeway for the depressed and yet I understand if it becomes so hard that you cannot. Every face of depression, whether worn by your mother, father, sister, lover, aunt or uncle, grandmother or grandfather, is different. Each one of us views that blackness in varying hues of greys and shadows.

For myself, I am sorry; to my son, my mother, my brother and my bf, to my friends and co-workers. I am sorry for the pain I put you through, the anger and mean things that I said. I cannot tell you that it will not happen again, because it will. There will come a time when my meds might plateau or something so incredibly devastating happens that I cannot even fathom reality; and I will plunge back into that waterfall of pain and hatred. I will be wrapped in a blanket of misery so thick you may dismay. But know I will come back. I will struggle and fight my way free.

And most of all I thank you for your patience. For you belief that I will not always be this bleak and so you stayed beside me. Holding my hand and coaching me through never turning your back. For trying to understand, even when you cannot……I thank you.