Stand Tall

Autumn’s rot
wet foliage
shredded 
browns
golds
crimsons
scent of decay
filling nostrils
not unpleasant
not to be worn as perfume
climbing upward
heart racing
eyes trained
no prize
no destiny
new road
new desire 
for self
reach high
never stop
obstacles
not a one
but your own
indifference
your own…..
neglect
has brought this brokenness
this sickness you wish to excise.
Hill steepens
breath gasped
stop
pause
turn…..
mauve
pink
golden rays
reach 
seek
upturned face
tears
unremarked
never felt 
cleansed
found
peace
serenity
beauty
fall to knees
head bent
sorrows awashed
burgeoning sense 
acceptance
forgiveness
care 
for faults
for sins
for errors plowed.
Stand 
head back
shoulders square
face foreward
no more back
each step
study of earnestment
life to be lived
shadowed no more.
 
©October 20/20
Picture is my own

Day 92 of Sobriety

It has been a weird strange week.
 
I was off. 
Felt sad.
Wept.
Felt better.
Angry.
Done with customers.
Thursday……..Please see I’m a Little Radio.
Friday…..I watched the clock.
 
I am not a clock watcher. 
I may take a glance now or then but a watcher no.
And to make matters worse it was a slow day at work. 
Would have gone home but I am taking a week off at beginning of January so was not willing to give up 3 hours.
I smiled.
I joked with my customers.
I had two ladies come through my till and we were laughing and joking.
 
C 1: I’m sorry today is my first day out.
M: Oh day pass?
C 1: How did you know?
M (leaning against till as though voicing a conspiracy) Don’t tell anyone but every once in awhile they let me out to come to work.
C 2: Do you two know each other? (Laughing as obviously not they are friends)
C 1: You just made our day. Thank you so much.
They walked away chortling.
 
I was thrilled at 3:30 to dash out the door. 
All the way home I hemmed and hawed about walking to meet Tember. 
Got home.
Put a hoodie on over my work shirt and sweater.
Put on fuzzy knee hi socks.
Jacket.
Gloves.
Walking to meet him was chilly.
Walking back colder.
NW wind.
We had fun though.
Talking.
My mood lifted.
 
Yesterday I waffled between laziness and should do something.
I always do something.
I always clean.
I did not make the bed.
I did not do the laundry.
I did make beef stew.
I did not write.
No inspiration.
I felt a loggerhead.
There is an itch for change.
But what???????
 
The other day I craved a drink.
I did not have one but I craved one.
And then I did not.
My tracker informed me this morning that I am 92 days sober.
And it seems that this may have something to do with the feelings that I am experiencing.
I have not missed drinking at all.
I have not missed feeling like shit for three to four days after drinking.
I have missed nothing at all about drinking.
 
I have gained energy.
I have adulted.
I am making things my own.
I am embracing the dark ladies that bubble up poking and prodding at me.
 
Psssst Jay…….I have another one. He really deserves to die. Please. Let me out.
Or
Jay……Get him. Her. They did it. Let me at them! Liars. 
or
Jaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…..Don’t open your eyes.
 
I could go on and on but that is enough to freak anyone out so I will stop with the ladies in the head.
I took my blood pressure yesterday as I felt that it was thumping.
123/73
Resting heart rate of 71.
I am back to normal.
Ha ha in the blood pressure range anyhow.
 
Speaking of scary freak out material:
 
Last night as I lay in bed I was goofing around in Messenger sending pics to a friend.
They have filters and I got a little wonky. 
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I was having fun until I got to the last one.
This one here.
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I was laying in the dark so when it asked to find a face a pulled it in really close and slowly backed out again.
Trying to get the right color so the horns would show.
Well……
And there was no way for me to capture this…..
As I pulled the phone back and the red lighting flared my image has its mouth open.
I do not.
On my face face.
Thought it was a glitch.
Until it happened three more times.
No more pictures for me lol.
 
I woke up at 6 this morning and stretched.
Feeling something has shifted.
Not entirely sure what it is but it has.
And then the notification.
Things began to make sense.
 
Three months is big for me.
Three months is always the bar.
If I can get to the three months mark I can do anything.
Taught myself to make my bed every morning in 90 days.
Quit smoking the 700th time in three months after that no patches needed.
Pills. 
I counted down a year for those.
And this year it is 3 years free.
I can do this.
I will do this.
I am proud of myself for accomplishing this.
 
Autumn is here with colder weather and once more I already have my heat on.
That plays havoc with my moods as well.
Have begun to include a Vitamin D to my daily vitamin regime.
Using my blue light in the morning before work.
I know what to expect come winter.
I know my moods are bleaker.
Sadder.
But I know this.
And knowing means I can plan and put into place safeguards so that I am not wallowing.
I don’t wallow really.
Not any more.
 
The anger I was feeling last week seems to have abated. 
My feelings of needing change. 
Still there.
That is something I need to work through.
Usually when this feeling occurs something big happens.
 
First time: got pregnant with Tember.
Second time: left the ex.
Third time: Ka-boom! 
Fourth time: pending.
 
To begin your week with a chuckle:
 
My adopted little sis ‘Queen-in-Training’ (I am Queen) and I were talking about men/relationships:
 
Me: IDK I don’t want to have like a full on relationship. Pretty easy really. Message me daily. Maybe dinner and evening during week and one evening on weekend to spend night. The rest of the time leave me alone. 
QIT: So basically you are a cat.
Me: Huh I guess I am. 😹😹😹😻😻😻
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Have a fabulous Sunday loves. 
 
©Oct. 18/20
Pictures obviously are my own (🎃🎃😝😝)