Cute I am Not…..

I am not a sweet little kitten.
I am not a marshmallow
with an ooey gooey center
sweet upon the tongue.
I am a warrior.
I fought through hell
to stand on my own
without safety handholds.
I am a dragon.
Breathing fire
vanquishing my enemies
who dare to laugh
to taunt
to derail the truth that I embrace…..
the reality that is mine.
I am a wolf.
Running free
bounding through snow
cavorting with my pack
bold
sleek
fast
I will not be caught
I will not be tamed.
I am wild.
I stand tall
ferocious
protecting myself
warning off those who come near
intent on destruction
poisoned lips whispering dead words
trying to break down
take down
that which is not understood.
I am a goddess.
I am a woman.
I am terrifying.
Seriously……
Stop it…….
Stop laughing……
I so can be ferocious. 
(Pouting & stomping feet)
©Dec. 9/19
Picture via Pinterest

13 Days

Black cats
broken mirrors
never walk under the ladder.
All bad luck….. 
so they say.
Never did you meet 
a man 
with luck as bad
as Dilly Bean.
Began as a baby
he fell from his crib
not a dent on his head to be found.
Some good mixed with bad.
As a toddler
he shot his dad.
As a child
he set fire to the mall.
As a teen
he impregnated the home coming queen.
Now you may a’wonder
where is the good spoken of?
This is all……
disconcerting.
An adult Dilly Bean
did all he could
to recompense
for the bad he brought to town.
It worked
all the townspeople
breathed a sigh of relief.
Settle in for the tale to tell
twisted it is 
none would ever know.
Came a gypsy cavern
lead by Granny Mae.
Stopped she did
at Dilly Bean’s
calling him to head.
He sidled up
afraid what would be found
when
boop
Granny Mae touched his soul.
Jinxed he had been
since before birth
now all could rest
his affliction could not longer hurt.
March 31/19
Image by 동철 이 from Pixabay 

He Lies

So we had another set to this morning. Oh it was a doozy of all doozies. T actually tired to hit me. Turns out that I can still man handle T and was able to wrap him in a bear hug. Angry angry words were spoken by both myself and the devil spawn of my loins.

The Ex text me this afternoon and asked me what time I wanted devil spawn home on Saturday afternoon. And I said I did not. I wanted to have a me weekend. Apparently when T got home the Ex wanted to know why I did not want him home early. So T told him we had a fight. That he had tried to hit me. And did so because I had tried to break his phone.

Fast forward to T getting home this evening. He comes in and is all I have nothing to drink. I wanna watch t.v. And so on and so forth. I am sitting here, eyebrow cocked looking at him thinking to myself, are you fucking serious? After the way you acted this morning, you are pulling more attitude on me? So guess who decided to be obstinate? Guess who decided that she was going to enter the lions den and goad said lions?

T is whimpering and whining away at me about wanting to watch t.v. and how all he wanted was a good evening. How could I ruin this evening for him? And this was the best one, when was I going into my room so he could have the t.v. I asked him if he thought that he really should have the t.v. to himself. He said well why not? Hmmmmmm I wonder, could it have been your attitude this morning? Could it be that you are still acting like you were a part of the immaculate conception and all should bow down to you? Than I go to the fun part.

I asked him if he told his dad about what had happened this morning? He said yeah. Okay, what did you tell him? Did you tell him that you tried to hit me? Yes, but I told him that you had tried to break my phone. Okay, let me get this straight, you told your dad that you tried to hit me but it was in response to my trying to break your phone? (I slammed it down on the counter in a fit of anger) Yep. So tell me what did your dad say? He said I was never suppose to try and hit you but you are not suppose to slam my phone down either.

I looked at him. He looked at me. I picked up my phone. And asked if I were to text the Ex right now and ask him if he said that I was not to slam the phone down he was going to say that that was true? T starts to hedge about how dad always forgets things remember? So caught him in a lie. Than I asked why he had brought this up with his dad, because I had not.

Deer in the headlights. Gotta say score for parents. Even if we did not discuss this, T got owned.

As I write this, he is shrieking at me. His friend wanted him to play on the Xbox. I said no. He than messages his friend that he is unable to because ‘my mom won’t let me.’ ‘Because you disrespected me!’ ‘He does not need to know that mom.’

‘That is okay buddy because I am sharing it on my blog.’

He is right steamed at me as of this post. Yelled at me that I was no longer allowed to blog about him. I could not share with all those strangers who are going to make fun of him. I could not tell my friends. Why did I want to make him the laughingstock of the world?

Now right there, that made me laugh so hard I cried. As if the world is interested in our little lives. And as for me sharing? Hell I share shit that makes me look like the Guardian of Hell, so putting him out there as the devil’s spawn (and I am not even capitalizing it) is minuscule.

I realize my limitations. I know that there are going to be people horrified that I am blogging about how T and I fought. That I am sharing about how he treats me and how I respond. But you know what, there are moms and dads out there, who think that they are losing their minds because everyone else around them are perfect parents. That they alone have the child(ren) from hell.

Honey you are so not alone. Those who do sit out there and point their fingers at you they are not presenting a real face to the world. Children no matter how sweet they may appear, will show some assholery at some point and time in their lives. And if they truly are the angelic persons that their parents have painted them to be, than the hell spawn will pollute their lines during their tenure as parents.

***No children were harmed during the writing of this post. ***

Slothism

Picture courtesy of CITPrincess.deviantart.com (Found on Internet)
Sloth is one of the seven capital sins. It is the most difficult sin to define, and to credit as sin, since it refers to a peculiar jumble of notions, dating from antiquity and including mental, spiritual, pathological, and physical states.
Yes, I looked it up because I wanted to make sure that I was using it in the correct context. I am a sinner. I once practiced the sin of sloth. A sin so insidious that you do not even know that you are a practitioner.
I once used my days off and weekends to lounge around. Doing nothing more strenuous than a load of laundry because I needed clean clothing. I also used those days to recover from a hangover or malaise of spirit that was brought on by my drinking. It is not that I did not do what was required because I did, I just would not make a further effort. I existed, I was not living.
****I think I should insert here that while some of this is serious, some of this, such as my calling myself a sinner and mocking myself is done in sarcastic humor. It is how the voice in my head talks as I write. 
You might be thinking that this was only during the time of my depressive episode which lead to me going back on my medication. And yes, the malaise was lifted, but not the drinking. I was still hiding and in doing so, was continuing to harm myself. So while I was moving forward, the energy, the desire to do more was slow in coming. In July I decided to quit drinking because of, well, I have issues. I did have a couple during birthday celebration and on holidays.
I also discovered in mid-September that I have a fatty liver, which has been brought about by my drinking. It has also lead to my hoarding of iron in my body. I made another decision once I found this out. I am going to take a year off from drinking and see where my liver situation is and also because, well that is another part of this story.
In July when I decided to quit drinking, I discovered a few things. I could still write. That had been a huge fear. Another of them. The first had been could I still write without the emotional and painful upheaval that my depression and anxiety brought along with a burst of  creativity.  I could.  Next was without alcohol.  Would my imagination, my ability to create still be there?  And again, it was.
Next I discovered that I had a great deal of excess energy. I was always on the go. And I felt great. I spent a lot of time laughing and talking with coworkers and friends. For awhile I was concerned I was on a false high in the cycle of my depression, but as each week passed I realized it was that I felt clearer. My mind was working better. My memory was better. Everything and anything was providing me with inspiration to write.
And I began and stuck with a workout regime. I make it sound like I am spending hours in the gym, I am not. I have a stationary bike at home that I ride and I spend another half hour on toning exercises of my own design. Part of the exercising to begin with, was to help lower my blood pressure. Yet as I began to see results, as I began to feel even more energized and hopeful in every aspect of my life, I was struck by how different I am from even three months ago.
My girlfriends believe that I am possessed by some evil spirit. Since I have quit drinking my sleep patterns have changed. I am no longer staying up until 1 a.m. drinking my dreams and desires away. I now go to bed between 8 and 9 p.m. and I am up between 4:30-5:30 a.m. on my days off and late starts. Let me be very honest here, I am not getting up at 3 a.m. on the days I work at 5:30 or 6 a.m. to work out, I can do that when I get home.
I realized as I was cycling away this morning that I really like this new me. I enjoy getting up early and getting everything I need to do done early. Than I have my day to write, to read, to chat with my friends. I can put my feet up and sip my coffee playing games on Facebook or checking my emails. And I can do it without feeling any guilt.
This is a huge thing for me. Alcohol has been a very large part of my life. In the last few years it was how I coped with my problems. With my fears.  It lead to me making some dubious decisions. Alcohol also made me feel less. Less of myself. Less creative. A crutch and a parasite on my being.
It has been two weeks since I made this decision. Two weeks where I have not had a glass of wine. But the thought has crossed my mind. Eventually each week is going to pass and I will think of it less and less. I will continue to catalogue the good that has come out of this decision to quit.
1)So much energy that sometimes it is hard for me to stand still.
2)A desire to eat healthily.
3)A desire to exercise. Both for health and because omg I actually enjoy it.
4)Inspiration is everywhere.
5)I am more present. I do not look at the clock and count how long it will be until I can have that first sip of wine. Rum. Whatever it was going to be.
6)Creativity that pours from my fingers.
7)I like me. The every part of me. From my brain down to my toes there is no longer a malaise of spirit.
8)I can forgive. I no longer hang onto bitterness and past mistakes. They ate at my soul and that is not who I want to be.
9)I have realized I am not perfect nor do I need to be. I am better for all my little quirks and folliables.
10)There really is no ten but the list would look a little off without a 10th thing.
As I reread this I realize most of you are lost by now. Wondering what the hell my decision to quit drinking has to do with slothism. And you have every right to. This became one of my rambling conversations where a lot of things have been storing up and I finally figured out how to write them. I apologize.
My slothism took the guise of alcohol. It numbed me. Helped me to rationalize why I was the way I was. How I continued to feel the same despite having tackled my depression head on. It allowed me to be. It helped to shadow the woman I am. The woman I have always wanted to be.
I needed to be slothful. I needed to sin per se so I could repent (tongue in cheek) with a lifestyle change. I am not a religious person so this is my stab at humor. Snort or shake your head in despair I admit it is bad.
I am now the opposite of slothful. I am the friend who gets up early by choice while everyone else is still asleep. Not sure what the proper term for it is. My friends all tell me it makes me crazy. But they still love me. 🙂

That little voice

I am shedding. Very badly. Not sure why I am losing so much hair.

As I am staring at the pile of hair on the bed (really only a few strands) that voice that whispers these thoughts to me said:

Be thankful that it is your own hair. I was afraid I had left some behind as I stood over your sleeping body last night.

Rules for Customers

I have been working in Customer Service for 28 years. That is a long time to work with the public. I do not even know how I ended up in a career that deals with actually serving and talking to people on a daily basis, for 40+ hours a week.  And it does not even stop there.

I live in a city of approximately 15,000 or so. It still has a small town feel to it, and the grocery store where I work is one of three.  There are multiple times that I have been in doing my own grocery shopping, dressed in street clothes (as opposed to the uniform that graces my body all week long) and will be stopped in the aisles. And asked for help finding items. They all say the same thing ‘Oh I know that you are not working but it would save me time.’

Sure. Alright. I will smile and send you off in the right direction because it is the appropriate thing to do.

But I wonder what makes someone think that it is okay to ask me a question about work when I am clearly not working?

It is one thing when my staff do so, I understand and even applaud them for asking me questions when I am in shopping so we are all working from the same page. But customers? That would be like me expecting the gas attendant to pump my gas solely because he is there and it is his job. This, despite the fact that he is clearly putting gas into his own vehicle and wearing street clothes.

Working the Front End and being the last line of defense before our customers leave the store is not an easy job. We are the last ones that can turn around a bad experience. We are the ones who make sure that you have found everything that you are looking for. If you haven’t, we will do our best to find out if it is in stock and on the shelf. We are always smiling and laughing and even if our day is crap, you will never know.

But there are things, things that all customers do and they must stop. For the sanity of all cashiers please please stop.

Rules all customers need to follow (in no particular order):

  1. Do not ever say to your cashier when an item does not scan: Well if it does not scan it must be free . Than chortle like you are three and just discovered knock knock jokes. Not funny. We hear this statement over and over again. Have you ever looked up and your cashier is staring at you unblinkingly? That is because he or she is trying to summon up enough energy to smile as though it is the first time ever hearing that. Usually you get a grin full of teeth, gritted together so any smartass comments are kept in the vault.
  2. Please make full use of the conveyor belt on the till. Once the person in front of you has moved forward, please to unload your groceries. Believe it or not, but I am the one who is going to be yelled at by the five customers behind you because now they are late for some appointment or other. Also if tap is available on your card, use it. It makes life faster and easier for us all.
  3. When you are asked how your are paying, we actually need to be informed of the card type. I do not want to play guess my card type with you.
  4. I can understand your concern with how your groceries are packed. Bread and eggs should not be squashed. Pizzas should not be turned upside down. I know that cold stuff goes with cold stuff. I have been bagging groceries for 30+ years having done so when I went shopping as a kid with my mom.  (I know that there are going to be those of you who think that I am exaggerating. Here is one example: A gentleman came through my till and I was trying to talk to him. I get to the pizza and he yells at me ‘put that pizza in a bag upright will you!’ My eyes blinked rapidly and out shot: ‘Oh I am sorry sir but the only way I know how to bag pizza is upside down so all the toppings fall off.’ Yes he still shops in the store. And he still comes through my till when I am in one. But now he smiles and talks to me.)
  5. In reference to #4 please also refrain from saying to me ‘oh you do know what you are doing.’ I do believe that you might think that this is a compliment but it is not. As well I have been bagging your groceries for well over five years on a weekly basis.
  6. When using your own bags, please have them out before your order. Do not hand them to me at the end of your order and expect me to repack them from the plastic that I just put everything into.
  7. I know that you are in a hurry. And so are the other 20 people who are patiently waiting in the line ups. We are working as hard as possible to get you through. Please do not now by-pass everyone waiting in the express line up and think that I am going to serve you because you can not manage your time. You will be sent to the back of the line up and made to wait. (Again you think I exaggerate, I wish. I have customers who throw tantrums because they have to wait. And we work very quickly to get through the line ups. I have had more than one customer also thank me for the way that we handle our express lines and the fairness rule. LOL)

I spend a lot of time censoring what comes out of my mouth at work. And despite the above rules I absolutely love my job. The company I work for is wonderful. My boss whom I have written about in regards to my depression is fabulous. He makes me a better manager to my staff. I may be a little biased, but I believe I have the best staff ever. And I am always laughing and smiling.

Honestly, I love my customers too. I have so many regulars. I cannot walk through the store without someone saying hello and wanting a chat. Those are the people who make my job a pleasure to do.

My rules are really for that 1% who labor under the delusion that they are the most important people around.