Dream to Come

My muse
My seduction
My misbeaten heart.
Your liquid eyes
Fill me to the brim
Tugging at my heart.
Misconception
Misunderstood
You trigger thoughts
and words
Twisting my tongue
Into lovely tales.
There is no right
There is no wrong
There is just you and I
A dream to come.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
July 12/18
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Worthless

Why?
Why do you
why do I
believe that we are not worthy?
Worthy
Of love
of happiness
of kindness by others.
We shun
spurn
destroy
rather than allow others close.
Easier
to not feel
to act the fool
shy behind a confident mask.
Tears
falling drop drop
head turned aside
ignoring the gnawing pain
that resides deep in out hearts.
Trust
reaching out
admitting need
want to be held
struggling to find the words.
Why?
I want to be found worthy.
I want to be found to love.
I want the happiness

that should be mine.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

July 9/18

Middle School Years Ahoy!

Recently I received an email indicating that the Middle School had receieved T’s registration but there was confusion over the address. The house is right on the division line for two districts. I had to go in and show them proof that we paid to their district with the property tax bill.
Actually back right up a second, that email I received was not the first one. The first one was that they had T down on their registration but had not received his paper work as of yet. Yeah me, nearly not registering T for school next year. Although I am sure that he would have thought that was the best thing ever. When T showed up that evening I said okay, here is the paperwork, please take it in and hand it in. And he says to me, no word of a lie, oh yeah mom I kept meaning to tell you that I needed that. So tell me why didn’t you? Well because I forgot.
Alright registration in. Check. Next email is that there is some confusion over where the School tax was being paid. I had to go in and prove that we paid the property tax to the right school division. And yes, I said we because my name is still on the mortgage and the land title. I got the property tax bill from the Ex and stopped in on Friday so they could make a copy of it.
First (yes I know that I am all over and backtracking imagine if you actually were having this conversation with me; confused? Most likely 😄) So when you go up to the school there is a round-about. I hate round-abouts and they scare the hell out of me. But I conquered it. Mind you there was no one else around. Than I get to the school and I am mildly panicking over where I am going to park when I see Visitor Parking. Woh-hoo. Jay is having a good day. I gather up the Property Tax bill and walk into the school.
I am stopping here on my way to work, which means I am wearing my uniform. No doubt where I work. I walk into the office and introduce myself. The Vice Principal was right there to meet me. Oh dear lord what am I going to do? She is asking me questions about T. And me, like the loving mother that I am, I blanked. Right out blanked. No knowledge of T was crossing my  mind. And when I spoke it seemed like I was stuttering.
My son is brilliant. He is funny. He is smart. He tests my patience. He likes to write. He likes video games. He can be a little, okay really, a lot bossy. He takes after me in that regard. He builds vehicles with his lego. He farms on Farming Simulator. He builds ocassionally on Minecraft although I think he is outgrowing that. Now he has Call of Duty. And he figures them out.
He is also a little mouthy. ‘A little, I am going to push mom until she snaps and tellls me that when the office asks why I am late that I am to tell them that I had thrown a hissy fit.’ T was horrified and told me that was not allowed. I laughed and told him that if the school called me that is what I was going to tell them too. Again, not allowed, ha, watch me.
Anyhow, let me get back on track here. I stop in at the school and go to the office. I hand the Property Tax bill over to the Secretary and than boom! The Vice Principal right there to meet me. Shaking my hand. And than asking me about T. And I stalled. I was standing there wracking my brain on how to describe my son.
I stammered and stuttered and did the best I could. Where I am effusive with anyone else, singing T’s praises, I could not think of a thing to tell her. I explained a little about the situation with the Ex and me. I told her Tember could be sensitive. He is going to hate me. I explained how he sometimes felt that he could not go to the teachers if he saw something wrong going on because nothing seemed to be done. I told how he wrote his stories The Life of Pickel. He is still waiting for me to transcribe onto here. That he built vehicles with lego. Had worked with his dad in the shop.
We chatted a few moments more. I gave the secretary the name of two of the boys T had said were going to be going there as well. And than I made my escape.
I love the fact that the Vice Principal knew who I was. I love the fact that they are a hands on working with the students and knowing who each and every child is. I am in awe of the way they are now teaching. Find out how the child learns and using that. I know that T is going to thrive in this environment. Yes he is moving into a new phase. And to be honest not all that sure that I am ready for this.
But I will take a deep breath, and practice my breathing. We will get through this. ☺☺
Picture via: Photo by Feliphe Schiarolli on Unsplash

Blind Belief

They were placed side by side

one so bright

the other black as night.

Good confronts evil

or so it was said

but what was found in their hearts

made the juxtaposition clear.

The one who sought beauty

was vain and crass

oblivious to the world around.

The one who sought anger

was gentle and compassionate

hurt by the savagery of the world around.

Polar opposites

examples of right and wrong

if only they had looked further

they would have found

the one who could have saved them all.

http://instituteoflove.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/

When?

When?
When did it become the norm?
To sell votes for favors……
to sell salvation for dollars…..
to degrade children
allowing them to fall through the cracks
lost and alone
while their parents are terrorized?
When?
When did time change so much?
That morals sit in the bin
taken out with the trash?
That freedoms fought so hard for
lives lost
widows made
can be torched in a moment?
When?
When did truth become a slippery slope?
When did mans lies become legitimate facts?
When did the values, the mores I remember
become so archaic
that they no longer can be found?
I weep for those times passed
mourning the loss of simpler times
when the world was not threatening to shatter. 
Jay-lyn Doerksen
©May 25/18
Image is via:

Brain Stutter

So this week there have been a few odd hitches that have begun to make me think.

  1. I was telling someone about how when I went for a walk on Sunday the side of the road I was on did not have a sidewalk. However, I actually forgot the word sidewalk and while running my hands out like a walkway, said ‘You know the thing, that thing you walk on.’ Oh yeah, I am using it as a great story now. And it proves I can laugh at myself.
  2. I also forgot the word schedule.
  3. Today, when I got up I went to feed the cats. Well,  I would have made them wait but for the meowing of ‘Mom we are so hungry. Mooooooooooooooom feed us feed us now!’ I open up the fridge and stare in there stupified. I really thought that last night I had only used half a can of the cat food. Oh well, maybe I was wrong so I pulled another can out of the cupboard and fed them. I did put that can into the fridge.

I was going to take a lazy day but instead decided that I would clean the apartment. I mean, clean and than have the rest of today, all day Sunday and half the day Monday to myself. As I am cleaning, I go to put away the sandwich bags that have been sitting on the counter. I open the cupboard and lo and behold what the hell do I find? The can of cat food from last night. I honestly have absolutely no recall as to why I would have done this. The cupboard it was in is above the sink not even near the fridge. It is where I keep Polysporin, lotions for the cats when they scratch or their ears. Cough syrup for Tember. No reason for me to put cat food in there.

This got me thinking. For those of you who have followed along on my journey this past winter, you may be or are aware of the fact that I used pills to sedate myself. Easy enough to get over the counter back medicine and I took a lot. As an aside in 4 days I am going to have been clean for 150 days. 5 months. Not a pill at all. Other than my medication and vitamins. Not even when I get headaches.

Okay the brag fest is over. Let me get back to my thoughts. I am beginning to wonder how much damage I have done to myself. Are these little brain stutters due to all the pills that I took?

Than there is the high levels of iron that may (probably has) been caused by my excessive drinking. Liver damage there.

And I have done this all to myself. I am not asking for sympathy but I wonder what further complications I am going to end up developing?

If I could turn back time, well I would not be the woman that I am today. I would be someone different. But I would give anything to have not abused my body and my brain the way that I did.

Rising from the Ashes

Photo by Aaron Huber on Unsplash

Those terrible words

those terrible deeds

do you know

what they did to me?

How distorted I became?

My logic flawed

as I thought

it was all my fault.

The core of me

those central values

the pictures I saw in my head

you destroyed.

I fought back.

I overcame.

Now this core of mine

is beautiful again.