Lost and Found…..Again

It has happened again. I lost myself. Well I did not really loose myself so much as I was ignoring myself.

I suppose it is hard to describe, the ignorance I push. When it was with mom I ran away, stuck my head in the sand, wasted an entire summer because I was ashamed of my behaviour. I had guilt. And I had anger. And it all came to a head. The thing is though it all came down to forgiveness. I forgave mom because I know now that had she known nothing would have stopped her from protecting me. Where once I thought maybe there was a slight knowledge now I know that is not true. So when I say that I need to forgive mom I only mean I needed to let go of my expectations. You cannot expect someone else to act the way you would without having gone through your experience.

This is going to be all over the place. I will probably read once and then post. I need to forgive me. I need to say Jay it is okay.

Last year when things happened I crawled and not for myself. I crawled. I whimpered. I begged. I made believe. I should have packed all my things up and left the first day. But I did not. Am not sure why for when I awoke and recalled that he had cheated, I felt relief. Thank god I dodged that bullet. But I did not want to let go. I can say it is not the man that I was afraid of losing it was how he treated me. And now my realization is sickeningly, it was how my father was. Smarmy. Confident. Sucks you in. Hell now that I look back I should have shut him off after the first time we met.

However and I am not making excuses I was in a raw place. I had finally faced it all. Faced my pain. Faced my rage. Faced the reason why I was slowly killing myself with pills. I was moving into a place of security. A place where I could love myself. But I needed to know that I was lovable.

Problem is I am a fixer. Or was a fixer. In that I want to make it all right for everyone. So I attracted men who needed to be fixed. Hmmmmmm I wonder where that came from. With the knowledge that I have now, I understand. It is not an awesome truth to behold but there it is.

1. Pain and fear are really the controlling emotions.
2. Forgiving oneself is hard to do.
3. Being honest with oneself is the hardest thing you will ever do. You think you are honest? Stop and really look at yourself. Shut down the voice that is always with you. Shut down the preconceived notions and listen. That voice…..the tiny one that is pipping up in the corner, that is the voice that you do not want to face. That is the voice that lays it all out brutally. You have no where to run.
4. There are many outs. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. Food. These do nothing to help. It is an empty hole that cannot be fed.
5. Happiness is a choice. Oh I know how trite that sounds. I know beyond a doubt I have lost at least three quarters of my readers right here. I am a woman who lives with depression. I live in fear that one day I am going to be so far sunk into my depression that I can never return. I am forever analyzing my behaviour. My everything. Do you know that is like? (If you do let me know)
6. As above happiness is something that I can choose. Because happiness is an emotion depression is a disease. Oh my god as I typed that this weight lifted from my shoulders. I can be happy. It is my right to allow myself to be happy. I am not dependent on what others think. I am not dependent on how others see me. I am me. How I see me that is important.
7. It is hard to face myself. To listen. To really hear. I do not want to face how I am. How I have been molded. How I always go after the same type of men. How I would rather place a mask over my face then admit the truth.

I stand in front of the mirror. I look at the woman gazing back. I realize time has come to say: ‘Jay it is okay. So you made a mistake. So you stayed when you know you should have run. You should have packed up that first day but pride made you stay. Woman it is time to let go. Your hurt no longer stems from the act but the wounded pride.’

I am done. I have written what must occur. I have to let it go. I was an idiot. I made a mistake. We all do. Make mistakes I mean. I have unfollwed. I have stopped everything that I see on Facebook. I cannot completely cut him out for without him I would not be at the place I am. However I am now at peace. I have forgiven myself.

©Oct. 13/19
Picture is my own.

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Timeless Travels

****There are times when I see the Word of the Day Challenge  word and the poem comes to me. Today’s word was such as word. I knew what I needed to write as soon as I saw today’s prompt. I hope you enjoy.****
Time comes when life is reviewed
whether at death
at birth
or
somewhere in between.
Childhood…..
rosy pictures
bleak dreams
nightmares bled into reality.
Teenager…..
anger
rage
disgust
angst so dense
surrounded me like a cloak
hiding me in plain sight.
Young woman…..
wanting
needing
searching
seeking for love
for someone to take care of me.
Ha ha
I bet you never thought that of me
strong as I am
independent as I am
that I would like to have some care for me.
Mother…..
terrified
as I beheld his tiny body
awed
when he looked at me
worried
will I prove to be enough
or with him shall I fail?
Woman I am…..
beautiful
sexual
loving
dreaming
head in the clouds
reawakening that child inside.
my journey
arduous
fraught with damage to psyche
killing attempts on the soul
has lead me here
to this precipice
no longer afraid to fall.
 
©September 8/19
Picture is one of my own.
Matlock Beach Manitoba 2017

Tranquil Fluidity

Wind whipped hair
waves cresting
slamming into the shore
spumes spraying
soaking my toes.
I can no longer go on
can no longer cheer
I am so tired
I am so alone
I am so……
scared.
Embarking upon a journey
into heart
into health
into self
unsure what I am going to find
who I am going to find
only know that I must go on
discover what I may
about this strange woman I see in the mirror.
A smarter
stronger
resilient woman
one who cries at movies
one who laughs with no regard
as to how others are going to see her.
No longer am I an errant child
unable to see my way.
I reach out
tentative at first
with growing confidence
taking hold of my dreams
taking charge of my destiny.
No longer do demons chew
upon my nightmares
spewing black
vile poison
seeping into my pores
burning through my senses.
I found freedom.
I found my truth.
I found forgiveness.
I found peace. 
©August 28/19
Picture is mine.
Matlock Beach 2019

New World

Thought yourself safe you did
hiding in the forest
hiding in the desert
running from me
running to them
reaching for the ends of the earth
hoping I would never find you.
Left behind a trail of woes
of heartache
of betrayal
of disrepair
women
children
men
none are safe from the greed of your game
none are safe from the immorality you parade
redesigning the world
in your own grandiose narcassism
cutting off your nose
to spite your face.
Crawl on your belly 
snake that you are
hoping the grass will cover.
Cower
beg
on your knees
time has come to pay.
You thought you were agile
your thoughts
your words
playing games
mumbling one way
gunning the other
bring the pack together
desiring to do your dirty deeds.
When you don a god like aspect
you shall tumble and fall
destroyed by your own idiocy
your own vileness
making it easier to find.
Sighted down the barrel
taken in silence
standing over
watching the light fade from your eyes.
Walked away
left you there in the streets
a warning to others
narcissistic
psychotic
all will fail
all will fall
there is no place for you
or them
in this new world order.
©July 26/19
Picture via Pinterest

Word of the Day Challenge #45-Untitled Poem

Dressed in black
head to toe
blending with the shadows
moving with stealth
light on the feet
hide quick
here comes the guard!
Shuffle along endless corridors
never finding an end
a door that will open
letting in light
chasing away the nightmare
that this life has become.
Bended knee
all hail the three headed king
who cannot
should not
have a chance to speak.
Someone…..
Anyone…..
cut off their heads.
Hydras are feared
created
should three heads become six
well shit
may as well admit
it is all undone.
Bidden
you do not understand the mission
scout you shall
plan we will…..
Lop off its heads…..
Kill the beast…..
Let real men arise
with answers…..
fix the problems
the red beast derived.
For Freedom.
For Self Respect.
For Truth.
Give unto the people
their power
fear the scourge they shall begin.
©July 23/19
Picture via Pinterest

Queen Lilith

Sitting
legs swinging
devilish grin upon my lips.
Taunting
teasing
peeking over bared shoulder
eyes daring you
warning you
do not come so close.
Glimmer of seduction
blood red lips
shimmy of slender hips.
Come hither.
Come crawling
between my breasts
my legs
feel the heat arising.
Arms around
whispers in your ear
pulling you close my dear.
Mocking laughter begins to swirl
madness resounds.
Echoes in a never ending chasm
free fall
no net to stop your descent.
You will find yourself bound
chained
my slave
my thrall
tears fall from your eyes
drip from your chin.
You are mine
never will you win.
I personify
temptation
desire
seduction.
I am the dream
lingering in your mind
not quite awake
not quite asleep
at your throat
you will feel my teeth.
Not a tale told by religion
to keep all safe.
This is the story of my life.
©July 12/19
Picture via Pinterest

Monster Emerges

Tiny child
tiny fiend
left to play
left to burn.
Did someone give him the matches
or 
did lightening strike when no one was looking?
Angry
aggressive
growing up
dreams of truth
replaced
dreams of misery
gilded in a world of rusted iron
cages erected by naked women
condemned to build their own crypts.
Flagrant exploitation
chained to mores
of 1929
riots in the streets
no longer productive
police state instituted
for the safety of all.
Reality is…..
it is fear.
Fear of what will happen
when society turns
when someone arises
to make things right
or worse?
his voice wraps itself around
charismatic
promising
swearing
no more carnage
no more abuses
time has come to move forward.
Evil comes in many forms.
Cloaked in pleasantries
promises
shiny baubles
to turn eyes.
Sleight of hand
watch close for the mirage
see what he wants
not what he is doing.
Blinded by charisma
desperate for hope
easy to believe a charlatan
better then having to make a choice.
Be responsible.
Make a change.
Give up self worth
so one can claim ignorance.
Beware the viper 
within your hand
for when it strikes
there will be mayhem. 
©June 27/19
Picture via Pinterest