To Be Counted…..

dark gloom
shadows gather in corners
tears shed
become rambling roses
thorns jabbing
blood welling
it has all come again.
Circle upon circle
hell upon hell
looking with desperation
screaming with terror
there is no way out
no steps
no chinks in the wall
looking up
wanting to be there
no here…..
in the depths of misery
in the depths of pain
in the depths of self-hatred.
Body used to tempt
drugs to defend
alcohol to bury the memories
driving myself forward
to forget a past
to forget the tortures I faced.
heart racing
tears falling
cannot see
I only know I need this hurting to stop.
Looking back today
upon the journey I have taken
the road that I am still moving forward on
the emotions I feel
allow myself to feel
accepting help from others
accepting that I am important
accepting that I am worthy of love.
The steps taken
long since 
I have stopped counting.
I continue to move along this life of mine
only now
I can enjoy this trip I am on.
©Feb. 2/20
Picture is my own

Golden Glitz

Knights roar o’er hill
flame announced
fall upon the enemy unknown
practiced ease
plotted before release?
Each chess board piece
intricate care
late nights
pushed here
pulled there
where best to deflect attention?
Turn eyes from this kingdom?
Rats flee
river rises
upon the brass throne
warped mind
warped smile
fear for the Queen
plastic smile
dummy lips
back turned
so damn remiss.
not to lose the throne
by any means
throw the gauntlet
inarticulate threats
left hand pulls
right hand waves
no one even noticed.
©Jan. 4 2020
Picture found on Internet

Eyes Wide Open

I stood behind her in the check out line. Peering. There was something about her. Vaguely familiar. Her jacket open with another underneath. To keep her warm? Why did she not just zip up the outer one? Her scent a mix of vanilla and lavender. She was pretty in a sweet way. The wife was nattering in my ear. I paid her half attention wondering about the young woman in front of us. Ran a critical eye over her purchases. Eggs. Pepsi. Pizza. Hmmmmmmmmm…….
I eyed the groceries I had piled on the belt. ‘Hey the first few items are the must haves…..after that we will see’……Nervously I watched the total add up. I had received an unexpected boon today which allowed me to shop for some items to tide us over until payday. Princess looked at me eyebrows furrowed in question. ‘Kay the pizzas. Cream.’ She looks over at me and pointedly at the pepsi I am buying. It came down to personal items (toothpaste/shampoo/vitamins etc) or extras for the kids lunches. Princess flippantly looks over items and in a throw away voice ‘healthy or beauty?’ I cringed having to say this. Furtively I glanced at the customer behind me. Hoping he would not recognize me. ‘Bars. Buy one get one at least have snack for first part of week.’
I zoned in suddenly. Caught the end of the conversation. That voice. Took a moment to cycle through and realized it was our regular cashier. Always cheerful. Smile on her lips. Asked after the family. Teased and laughed with me.Not someone I would have thought would have to make such a decision. I guess I had never really thought about what it must be like for her outside of the service she provided for me. For my wife. My family. Her cheeks reddened as she peeped from beneath shawl of hair. Realized she was checking to see if I had recognized her. Turned away and pretended that I was listening to the wife.
Oh thank goodness he did not recognize me. Benefit of having such long hair. When it is down most do not see me. Princess handed me the bars and I bagged them. Handed her my rewards card hoping there was something I could redeem. Add at least one of the extras but not yet. Shrugged and paid. Ducked my head so that my hair fell forward covering my face. Beyond Princess no one realized I had been there. I calculated what I had spent and yeah so the pepsi is not a must have but a little something as a treat. Not only for me.
I watched as she walked away. Saw her head swiveling subtly back and forth eyes gauging cataloging the people around her. She did not acknowledge anyone with raised voice or hand. She moved quickly neatly between the people blocking her exit. Realizing as she zipped through none saw her a ghost within their midst.
Thank god I got out without anyone seeing me. Hard to explain how money is something you need to count to the penny. Proud asking for no help because you can do it. And it is no one’s business learn to live in your means tighten your belt voice roaring in your head bow beneath the onslaught. Load the groceries into the back of the car pushing the cart back to the pick up area brace self against the sudden gust of rain washing over me baptismal flood slid behind the wheel. Windows fogged as I steam.
I watched standing at the cart corral as she puts her car into drive pulling into traffic. What I was seeing did not reconcile with the picture I had of her. Granted I only thought of her for the maybe 10 minutes a week I saw her. Never beyond but this is not what I had imagined. Kinda like a cartoon that does not end just because the scene has. Suddenly confronted with the bias of my thoughts. Middle class as they were. Laughing because I had been so sure she was middle class too.
I saw him standing watching as I pulled from my parking space. Rain dousing him until he became a blob in the rear view mirror. He knew now. How was I ever to meet his eyes? Poverty is not a sin…..yet we still feel as though it is. 
Jan. 3 2020
Picture via Pinterest

Charmed Monsters

ever so tired
grey is the day
this life
this path I trod.
Where is the light?
Where is the joy?
No Eden can I find.
The past…..
Free wheeling
dealing card after card
feeding upon the blackness
the evil
rooted within.
My past…..
No longer allowed to define
to dictate…..
Cut away
carve away
skewered to the ground
demons chained
eased with dosed medication
mine to do with as I will.
These daemons
still reside within
gentle murmurs
holding pain
holding fear
now my protectors
I need no longer beware.
Sanctuary found
hellions bound
labor of love.
This me
beauty and beast
all rolled into one.
©Dec. 30/19
Picture is part of my Positivity wall

Cute I am Not…..

I am not a sweet little kitten.
I am not a marshmallow
with an ooey gooey center
sweet upon the tongue.
I am a warrior.
I fought through hell
to stand on my own
without safety handholds.
I am a dragon.
Breathing fire
vanquishing my enemies
who dare to laugh
to taunt
to derail the truth that I embrace…..
the reality that is mine.
I am a wolf.
Running free
bounding through snow
cavorting with my pack
I will not be caught
I will not be tamed.
I am wild.
I stand tall
protecting myself
warning off those who come near
intent on destruction
poisoned lips whispering dead words
trying to break down
take down
that which is not understood.
I am a goddess.
I am a woman.
I am terrifying.
Stop it…….
Stop laughing……
I so can be ferocious. 
(Pouting & stomping feet)
©Dec. 9/19
Picture via Pinterest

Me & 2019

I haven’t done this for a while. Chatted with myself. Trying to figure out what the hell is going on in my head. Where I am going. What I am wanting from myself and from my life. I cannot continue to surf along being a passive participant. And truthfully I am. I do not actively write for a poetry collection. It is a dream yet I keep telling myself it will happen when you have the time. When you are on holidays. When you have this when you have that it isn’t gonna happen without my doing something about it. So I have.
 Tember received his report card  last week. I am happy with his grades. There are a few things he needs to improve on one such thing being his use of punctuation spelling sentence structure to name a few. We were talking about it on the way to school the other morning. Yesterday. I was asking a few questions probing wondering if he was having some difficulties. He said no it was how he wrote. Now I get that. I spew out a lot too so I understand what he is saying. (As is most apparent with these types of posts)  He is trying to keep up with the ideas that are forming in his head. There are times when I write that I end up on autopilot because I have too much to say and if I slow down I loose the rhythm. I can go back and edit. Which is what Tember needs to do. Edit that is I suggest that during the week he is with me in the evening he could write a page and go back over to edit it. He is grousing at me and how am I going to gauge a page? When it hit me:  Buddy we will do it together. During the time that you are writing I will do the same. I will begin my poetry collection for publication.
Called Evenings spent with my Son. That is a working title but we are doing this. Tember will work on his short stories. I will work on my poetry.
My problem is I like to share my poems. Once upon a time I despaired of being a poet. I wanted to be a writer. A Writer. Who spun stories. Who had a wellspring of tales in her head that needed to be told. Some of this may sound familiar to those who have followed my blog for awhile but for those who are relatively recent a quick run down: I was sure I was the next best thing in the writing world. Please cut me some slack I was a brash teenager. Aren’t we all as we head into adulthood? I had written the next great novel. I sent it off. I was rejected. Now they acknowledged I had talent but that I should avail myself of some classes. Writing classes. Broke my spirit. At that time I had no idea that I had depression/living with depression.This was enough to send me into an episode. I did not write for years. Approximately 5. Then the dam broke and out came the notebooks filling them with poem after poem. This became a cycle for me. Eventually it boiled down to: I burned my collection of works. Swore I I was never going to write again. Ever. Yet here I am. And I realized I am a writer. I write for the pleasure of others. My stories. My words. My imagination. My creativity. My emotions. I write for myself. Actually I will let you in on a little secret I am not sure that I am the real author of the poems. I may be channeling someone greater than myself will ever be because I can never believe that I wrote that. That I put those words together. Oh look at me off on a ramble and boasting.
I am making myself cry.
Originally I was sitting down to write because I was annoying the hell out of myself. I have been finding myself lately second guessing things that I have said or done. Examined them over and over obsessively to see if I could have handled them differently. Coming up with answers to questions that have not even been asked. Given how f**ken hard I worked to break myself of this very bad habit yet here I am doing it again. I have had several conversations with myself. When I do catch myself (it is becoming easier to see what I am doing and why. It is having to face what is inside me) and chivy myself along with a stern talking to. I keep having to remind myself that it is passed in the past. Nice tongue twister there. I have to remind myself that coming up with answers to questions is futile and so…..was going to say idiotic but stopped. That is such an insult to myself. I am not an idiot. I am someone who when she is bothered by something begins to obsess over it. Poking and prodding.
More tears.
I have a friend who seems to have an uncanny knack for messaging me at a time when I need it. I asked her a couple of questions about what was bothering me and told her I was obsessing over it. With that she shot back that I do a great job. To not obsess in anyway. And that I had actually accomplished something that others could not. I almost spit out my coffee when I read that. She has been on this incredible ride with me for the last two years. I was not sure if I ever told her how much I appreciated her and all she has done for me. So I told her today.
Crying again.
Someone will be pleased to know I am sentimental. (Stop smirking J) And maybe I am crying for myself too. For how far I have come. I have further to go but right now I am good with myself. I do have to work at being more accepting of myself. Loving of myself. Quit looking in the mirror and despairing at what I see. Refind my confidence. Grow.
Well now I began in one spot and as usual when I begin to write these conversations and everything comes spewing out. I know it it is because I think of some as family and our community here is supportive and close knit. and you all create so you will understand my abrupt brain shifts. Squirrel. Hope that made someone laugh.
I am going to give a brief recap of my 2019:
Tember and I have continued to grow our relationship. I am that cool mom. Only because I almost never get mad and even if I do it never lasts long. We will still do things for each other even if we are mad. I have realized hanging on to anger is ridiculous. Yes I might yell however after I calm down I always go back and we talk. Oh and as I am at work I provide great comedic entertainment for Tember’s friends. I.E. putting my glasses on over my contacts and then accusing Tember of having done something to them. OMG I felt dumb on that one.
The ex and I are getting along really well. He is back with his significant other which I am so appreciative of. She is good for him. And I like her.
Me? Mentally I have done really well. I have been struggling with alcohol I am going to be honest. However I am quitting. I can see mom shaking her head as she has heard it time and time again and shit I sound exactly like it. Ever need a swift kick in the ass to realize you are exhibiting the behaviour of someone you despise? Just had that moment. Gonna make it stick this time.
Met a really nice man. However much to my dismay it did not work out and while we still text some times we have parted company. I have been watching a lot of Murdoch mysteries hence the ‘parted company’ comment. He made me laugh.. And ladies…..hang on to your hats…..he even listened every once in a while. I know I had to bestill my beating heart as well.
As we are heading into the final days of 2019 I look forward to Dec. 23. It will be two years that I have been pill free. 24 months. With no slips. No cravings except maybe once but I was stronger then that. I am damn proud of myself. I have had heartache and allowed myself to experience it. Twice. Once with mom although I had to drink to get the words out with that one. But the crying. The pain. The loss. The everything…..I allowed it all to flow over me. And let me say I did not like it. I did not like experiencing all those feelings like that. I understand why I took pills for so long to mash down my feelings. The fact is I have beaten the pills. Not my addictive personality. That is something that I always am going to struggle with. But the desire to escape from them. I do not want to do that ever again. And I think that I really ready to open up myself. To myself. I need to come out and chisel the metaphorical ice that I have around my heart and to let it warm. Sounds so damn corny. But I cannot be afraid to live any more. I need to reach for the stars. I need to believe in myself. I need to be 100% not 92.9% as I hold the rest in reserve.
I am looking forward to growing more in 2020. I look forward to loving all of me. I look forward to all the life has to offer me. All of it.
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year Folks. I appreciate each one of you who are a part of my WordPress family even though I am more the quiet lurker in the corner with all the kitties. Sorry more warped humor. Hope all enjoy if you made it to the end of my endless ramble. Not sure how to end this but I cannot type forever so I shall just stop now………
Dec. 5/19

Quiet Rumination

Look hard
beneath the surface
see the truth
the reality
wide eye orbs
gallows swinging
I am here
I stand before…..
No one.
All look
not a one will see
insisting I am fine
the cracks
the flaws
papered over with crimson fears.
no longer afraid
watching the waves
debris of my life
washed upon the shore
awaiting close review
long hard look
a new truth
my own…..
these radical thoughts
they are nothing new
only now my eyes are open
I can see clear.
©Nov. 30/19
Picture is my own taken
Matlock Beach 2019