Bloated Morality

Table of gold
inlaid jewels
(greed)
set with ignorance
set with entitlement
set with rampant disregard
for anything that impedes
destroys
tests
the belief held
the superiority felt
enter the conclave.
Come one
come all
insinuate self
introduce sin
into the kingdom of god.
Succulent dreams
temptations
likes of which
never seen
forever shrouded
mist of needs.
Delusions
atop the high horse
(pride)
fall will come
no more hiding
no more denying
tarred
feathered
fall from grace
fall from……
Spread before the altar
tales told
inanities muttered
shouted
performed on roof tops.
(Too little.
Too late.
Broken trust.
Broken faith.)
Silence 
forever quoted.
Lies 
epitome of truth.
Judged nevermore
at the golden gates.
©June 6/19
Picture via Pinterest
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Never Again

Awakening
time has ceased to spool
forward
backward
all gone
there is only now.
A now
filled with pain
filled with darkness
filled with sorrow
and rage.
This box I am in
not one of my own making.
Thoughts
ideas
imposed on me by the will of others
nothing I can say.
I am not the sum of everyone
I am not the sum of those people
who are trying to corner me
rip free the freedom
the relief that I have found.
Reverting once more
into that small hurting girl I use to be.
Fear becomes a constant companion
causing me to wonder:
have I reverted in reality
or merely seeing the mirage of truth
that others feel is real?
I know this is false
this is not who I am.
Fuzzy headed
drugged
sedated
try to take the hard won freedom
this life I have built for myself.
I will fight 
I will win
I am never going back there again.
©May 24/19
Picture via Pinterest found by The Eclectic Contrarian

 

No More……

Time
rolls forward
never backward
for if it did
all who regret
who dismay
would want to try to change
the mistakes of their pasts.
Are they truly mistakes?
I don’t know about you
but me
my mistakes
they are what have molded me
what have changed me
what have made me the woman I am…..
Yet I am not only my mistakes.
I am my strength.
I am my dreams.
I am my truth.
My desires.
I am me.
Missing…..
forgotten…..
strength……
truth…..
me…..
A butterfly
erupting from its cocoon
bursting upward
caught within the halestrome
free finally……
Belief is a many faceted thing
when lost
laying broken at ones feet
head hung
tears crying.
No more.
No more loss.
No more grief.
No more……
No more
is my new mantra
positive
freeing
for no more
shall I fall at anyone’s feet
I am my truth
my healing…..
myself.
March 11/19

Learning to Live

Tears
cold
desperate
trace a route
over gaunted cheeks
blooded lips
as I stare in the window
picture a scene
of warmth
of love
one I have been left out of.
I thought…..
silly woman that I am…..
feelings ran true
through you
only to discover that the lies you spoke
broken promises made
a habit of which you cannot be broke.
Silken words
wrapped like ribbons around my heart
tugging
pulling
opening me up
to pain
to dismay
to disgust with myself.
Watching
sadness
your attempt to appease your guilt
drink away
smoke away
you know
in your heart
that you have done me wrong.
Even were you to whisper I am sorry
were you to gather me in your arms
coming back
no longer an option.
I have learned to live without you.
March 1/19

Pauper’s Wounds

Blooded steps
sparkling
shredding
spearing
glass shards
embedded in my soles
disabling me
as I attempt to walk through.
Brambles clutch
piercing
gouging
stabbing
beneath my skin
more blood flows
I give in.
My fault really.
I took those words to heart
played princess to the pauper
never listened
never heard the
lies embedded.
It was only with the interloper’s arrival
that it began
the decimation
of love shared.
No account
no words spoken
but suddenly
I am the bad guy.
The one who wants too much
who wants to provide happiness
who wants to make life easier.
Forgive me
silly am I
to think that a man wants a partner
who compliments
not competes with him.
What do I do?
Shrug my shoulders?
Turn around and walk away?
Pathetic thing is
I love so much
I am willing to wait.
Wait….
no that is my imagination
for love is not suppose to hurt
this way.
There will come a day
beware of that
when I will finally have enough
will walk away.
No looking back
regrets burned
think carefully.
Is a bitch
ready to spread her legs
lacking so in respect
really the desired want?
I suppose
nay
I know
that if I were respected
if I was truly loved
no enticement
would
could
drive to baser needs.
What a fucking brutal truth.
Fires burn
rage
bridges erupting
soon as foot is placed
for I am protecting myself.
No longer
never again
will I give anyone
power over me.
November 24/18
Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash

Blinders

Stood upon the bridge
family at one end
life at the other
what do I do
burn
or run for it.
No one thought I would do it
crazy
angry
needing to make them pay
I lit the match
threw it over my shoulder
walking away
as that bridge burned.
No longer will I be the weak one
no longer will I play
this game that you devised
when I was just a child
warping me in so many ways.
Gotta admit
you never knew
blinders you wore
making you blinkered.
To this day
you refuse to see
you refuse to acknowledge
despite the evidence
despite the words
I should let it be.
Too long did I repress this
too long did I hide
drugged
sedated
hiding
why?
So I did not hurt the two of you.
My strength is not yours.
I will not be the strong man
take umbrage
hide your face in fear
just know
I no longer care.
I finally faced my purgatory.
I finally faced my fear.
Walking through the fires of hell
coming out the other side.
Unblemished.
Unburned.
Complete.
Oct. 17/18
Photo by Michael Held on Unsplash