Pauper’s Wounds

Blooded steps
sparkling
shredding
spearing
glass shards
embedded in my soles
disabling me
as I attempt to walk through.
Brambles clutch
piercing
gouging
stabbing
beneath my skin
more blood flows
I give in.
My fault really.
I took those words to heart
played princess to the pauper
never listened
never heard the
lies embedded.
It was only with the interloper’s arrival
that it began
the decimation
of love shared.
No account
no words spoken
but suddenly
I am the bad guy.
The one who wants too much
who wants to provide happiness
who wants to make life easier.
Forgive me
silly am I
to think that a man wants a partner
who compliments
not competes with him.
What do I do?
Shrug my shoulders?
Turn around and walk away?
Pathetic thing is
I love so much
I am willing to wait.
Wait….
no that is my imagination
for love is not suppose to hurt
this way.
There will come a day
beware of that
when I will finally have enough
will walk away.
No looking back
regrets burned
think carefully.
Is a bitch
ready to spread her legs
lacking so in respect
really the desired want?
I suppose
nay
I know
that if I were respected
if I was truly loved
no enticement
would
could
drive to baser needs.
What a fucking brutal truth.
Fires burn
rage
bridges erupting
soon as foot is placed
for I am protecting myself.
No longer
never again
will I give anyone
power over me.
November 24/18
Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash
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Blinders

Stood upon the bridge
family at one end
life at the other
what do I do
burn
or run for it.
No one thought I would do it
crazy
angry
needing to make them pay
I lit the match
threw it over my shoulder
walking away
as that bridge burned.
No longer will I be the weak one
no longer will I play
this game that you devised
when I was just a child
warping me in so many ways.
Gotta admit
you never knew
blinders you wore
making you blinkered.
To this day
you refuse to see
you refuse to acknowledge
despite the evidence
despite the words
I should let it be.
Too long did I repress this
too long did I hide
drugged
sedated
hiding
why?
So I did not hurt the two of you.
My strength is not yours.
I will not be the strong man
take umbrage
hide your face in fear
just know
I no longer care.
I finally faced my purgatory.
I finally faced my fear.
Walking through the fires of hell
coming out the other side.
Unblemished.
Unburned.
Complete.
Oct. 17/18
Photo by Michael Held on Unsplash

Chaos

Chaos.
Beautiful colors
gold
mauve
crimson
dance around my arching body.
Weaving my fingers
colored trendles pulled near
I make a tether
a leash
to keep me close
to Chaos.
With Chaos
I find reason
I find understanding
I find truth.
With Chaos
I cry
I rage
I forgive.
Chaos
rainbow colors
twisting
tying
pulling me close.
A lover of color and light.
Sept. 29/18
Photo by Petra Brýdlová on Unsplash

I will…..

Standing atop the mountain
staring down
above clouds skitter across the sky
below
a fall that could mean death
unless I trust I can soar.
My tongue is swollen
words I wish to say
locked in
my throat closes
leaving me breathless.
My heart hammers
pounding
against my ribs
a hand
reaching within
squeezing
ripping it without.
Fall too fast
fall too far
always told to not be rash
to bide my time
to furl in my desires
all will come eventually.
Leaping before I look
before I gauge the situation
trusting myself.
I will fly.
I will fall.
I will be caught.
I will find my truth.
It is out there
waiting on me.
Sept. 7/18
Photo by Mike Wilson on Unsplash

How Uncaring…..

Walking down the sidewalk
millions of people around
lost in my own little bubble
pulling in
drawing in
making myself small of notice.
I am not worthy
I am not allowed
to have the beauty
to have the love of life that all others carry.
Time
more time has proven me right
that I falter and fall
tears slashing my face
as I howl with pain
with rage
with despair.
As I lay here
mouth wrenched in silent scream
all who pass by
cast a cursory glance
before moving on.
Aug. 21/19

Dream to Come

My muse
My seduction
My misbeaten heart.
Your liquid eyes
Fill me to the brim
Tugging at my heart.
Misconception
Misunderstood
You trigger thoughts
and words
Twisting my tongue
Into lovely tales.
There is no right
There is no wrong
There is just you and I
A dream to come.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
July 12/18

Worthless

Why?
Why do you
why do I
believe that we are not worthy?
Worthy
Of love
of happiness
of kindness by others.
We shun
spurn
destroy
rather than allow others close.
Easier
to not feel
to act the fool
shy behind a confident mask.
Tears
falling drop drop
head turned aside
ignoring the gnawing pain
that resides deep in out hearts.
Trust
reaching out
admitting need
want to be held
struggling to find the words.
Why?
I want to be found worthy.
I want to be found to love.
I want the happiness

that should be mine.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

July 9/18