A little Surprise…..

Today is the day! I begin my personal grocery shopper roll. As of last night I had 10 orders to process today. Not knowing the size of orders I have no idea how long it is going to take me to get together. But I am so excited.

I knew that we were going to have a small blurb on our local news on-line presence as well as our Facebook page. There is a difference between knowing and scrolling your news feed and suddenly there your face (or half of it) on display for the whole world to see. I got a lot of ‘you’re famous now’ comments on Saturday.

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I really am hoping that having less customer contact/less being ‘on’ all the time is going to help me to revive my lagging mental energy. And I am being honest other than these few aches and pains (wrists and elbows not aching as much this morning) it is mentally that I am struggling.

Not struggling worried about depression I know that I am no where near where I have been in the past. I am medicated lol which sounds funny but I take my anti-depressants faithfully every morning. I know what abyss awaits me were I to quit taking them.

When I say I am struggling it is a general feeling of malaise. Struggling to read. Struggling to write. Struggling to stay connected with others. I have finally begun to walk the walk that I am talk. Setting up boundaries. Expectations of self. Taking responsibility for my actions.

I recently had to step back from a close friend. I love her to death but at the moment the excess of emotional overspill as well as not really knowing who this person is any more I moved a distance back. I had to. The toxicity surrounding her was seeping over into my life and I was stressing. This is boundary setting for me. I can no longer cheerlead for someone who actively works to undermine her worth and self. It is destructive to both of us. We still talk and I am always going to be here. I just need to let her find whatever it is she is looking for.

The other day I found myself in an uncomfortable situation. A sexual one. I was talking with a girl friend when someone made the comment ‘look at all the boobies.’ One boobies is such a stupid ass word. Not even sure who thought it up but ugh. That is aside from the point. I was incredulous. This person is someone with authority in the position they hold in their work place. And I felt ick. When I walked away I felt ick ick ick ick.

Now in the past I would have chuckled uncomfortably and never said anything.  But this time I could not let it pass. If I were to say nothing it makes me as complacent as all those people I have rallied against in my poetry. I would be a part of the problem. Me-a survivor of sexual abuse. And now I am going to be quiet?

In all honesty I went over it a few times in my head. Was I doing the right thing? I worried about what others would think about me if they find out I was the one to say something. Even as I am writing this I started to justify why I said something when I do not even need to. It was said. I felt uncomfortable and it was not the first time.

Before I would have said nothing. I would have let it go. Tucked my head down and been quiet. I cannot do that. And not be truthful to myself. To my ideals. So I stood up for myself. It was hard to say.

There is one bright silver lining in all of this tumult that I am going through. I have not felt overwhelmed. I have not felt a need to cry. Not that I have not been weepy but I have not been emotionally cryie. I know it is not a word I just made it up.

Well that took a rather meandering turn. This was just to be about my becoming a personal shopper for customers today and took a right turn through the maze of my mad mind. He he he he.

Thanks everyone for reading and putting up with my babbling streams of consciousness. I really do write the way that I talk. So if you run screaming from this peek inside the warped and wefted brain of Jay I really don’t blame you. However if you enjoy stick around the ride is just getting started.

Have a Marvelous Monday loves.

©Dec. 7/20

Day 28 & 29 or Me & Me Alone

I will say that this passed weekend has been the most difficult since I quit drinking.
 
Saturday I was up early despite not working until 9. I had coffee and relaxed. Wrote a little. All was going along tickety boo when Loki decided that today was the day to jump into the window box and pull it over. Dumping wet soil all over the back of the couch. I may have arg’ed loudly. Cleaned it all up. Took the window box with the roses resettled and put outside for the day. Moved the couch to vacuum. Decided that when I came home from work I would be moving the living room around again. So Loki and the others would not be able to get up into the window knocking over my plants.
 
Work was work. My supervisor had a family emergency and had to leave. I supervised for the morning and cashed from 2-4:4. Was suppose to be at work until 5:30 but was feeling tired…..lethargic…..not my usual self. There was a fraught moment or two. Argued with myself but prevailed. Wine is still alcohol. Once I am passed the LC I am fine it is that possibility of turning in that rages in the back of my mind. That one little push from the voice and I fall over the edge. I did not. I came home changed and began to clean and move the living room around. Took me about two hours but I did it and am happy with the way that it looks. Need to figure out lighting situation behind me as the light reflects in the t.v. which is annoying. Whether a new shade or taller lamp has not been determined yet. For those who care to know once I decide I will let you know.
 
Made myself coffee as well. I swear that my coffee intake is way way up since I quit drinking. And while I previously joked that it was to replace the sugar I was craving from no longer drinking I wonder. The inability to fall asleep at night has been driving me nuts the last few days. Until I realized that drinking Monster Energy Drinks with 180 mg of Caffeine on top of the coffee I am drinking might have something to do with it. Maybe?
 
Slept in Sunday until 7:20. That for me is late. Enjoyed myself a lazy morning of coffee and reading emails. Taking some pictures of Loki. Deciding that I wanted to start taking more pictures of the things that catch my attention. Messaged with friends. A free day as I did my cleaning the evening before. By 11:45 I was outside sitting in the sun.Kindle in hand. Sat outside for two hours reading and enjoying the heat. All in all it was a wonderful morning. A nap in the afternoon after onion rings. I was going to go back out but the nap took a little longer than I was expecting. Had the groggy feeling but made some coffee and was feeling a little more in tune with reality.
 
I have been open that my addiction to pills in the past were a coping mechanism. Abused as a child I was running so hard and for so long that inevitably I was going to crash and either die or burn. I burned in a conflagration so hot and fast burning through myself and coming out stronger and better…..more accepting of self and mistakes. Growing ever onward. Work in progress forever more.
 
I have had many a conversation about the abuse I faced. Not detailing it as my brain is still in protective mode. Which again I am totally fine with. I don’t want nor need to know the extent. The damage done was horrific enough I do not need to tramp down that pathway. I have made strides in my life. In happiness. In not forgetting the past but in handling it and moving on.
 
My addiction to alcohol to pills has always been to deal with the pain. To blur the edges so to speak. Yesterday offered me a glimpse of what else the use of alcohol has been doing for me? Not sure if that is how to look at it but it is what I am doing.
 
I was speaking with a friend about sexual abuse. I am not going to give details. All I am going to say is that I discovered that I had the kids mixed up in my head. Age wise.
 
It triggered me. Nothing that lasted long. A brief flash. Enough though to cause me to gasp and tear up. Fear lanced me and for a moment I could not breath. I had to take a moment from our conversation. And I told her why. Just that I needed a minute to regroup.
 
I am tired of running away. Tired of being scared of what is in this thick noggin of mine. Alcohol makes me forget. And when I am alone with too much time on my hands to think I suppose subconsciously I was still blurring the edges.
 
I am scared. I am not going to lie. There are a lot of things in this head of mine that I have been carting around for years. Eons some of it feels like.
 
But this is a journey…..
 
My journey in a life that is tailor made for me and me alone.
 
©August 17/20
Picture is my own