Who would I be?

I am not perfect, I love without abandon
I am not perfect, I love without thought
I am not perfect, I cry without knowing why
I am not perfect, never will be and I don’t know why I try.

I can lasso the sun, and pull it in close
I can lasso my dreams, and hope they come true
I can lasso my thoughts, will they make sense
the only thing I cannot lasso is my heart.

I stare into the distance, I hope to make it better
I hope that you will love me as much as I love you
I know though that my thoughts and my feelings
They are but a dream.

We came to be without regard, we came to be because
You said to me that I was welcome to leave
But really what type of person does that make me?
To leave when the going gets tough?

I stayed because it was the right thing to do
I stayed because I could not go
You never said  thank you, I understood
you only kept on taking.

I did what I did because I cared
I did what I did because that is what is right
Regrets and fears, love lost in tears
that is what my life is made of.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

July 26/14

Not as Sane as I Should be

A year and a bit ago when I left my husband I stopped taking all my pills. I felt wonderful. Free. I was on the right path for me.

Today as I laid on the couch writhing with fear, my anxiety breaching the walls that I have erected to keep it out, I wondered if that was a sensible thing to do.

When last I saw my doctor about my depression he warned me that I might need to be on pills forever. I was devastated. Really? Pills forever? I just could not fathom that. Nor did I want to. Depression is a stigma all by itself, depression and medication and everyone who knows covertly looks at you, they take your heartbeat. They listen to how you speak and wonder if you are not a little coo-coo. Been there. Done that. Don’t want to go back. But today, today was the day that I wondered, that I thought about it.

I was off for a total of three days. Three days that I was not in contact with my store. And this morning, I huddled on my couch in fear. I must have fucked up something so huge that when I got to work today I was done. I texted my second begging for reassurance. I received it like .50 minutes before I had to go to work.

I am monitoring my blood pressure. It is high before and after work. Right on the ball at night. I am every where, the reason why I think that I need to start retaking medication is so I can calm down. Thankfully my second totally lives the same life as me. She lives with depression and anxiety. She gets me when I text and say what did I fuck up, did you fix it and is it okay to come into work today?

I know this is all over the place, I know what I have to do. First, I need to restart taking my meds. This will help with my anxiety. If there is a second and third I am not aware of it. Disjointed writing disjointed needs. I must make a dr appt