*Photo is mine taken today.
I watched the sunrise today
with silent tears on my cheeks
not from sadness you see
but for all the opportunities.
How many sunrises have I missed?
Because of time needed elsewhere
of responsibility and
well, just life.
I am also crying tears-
Tears for the girl I was,
for the woman I thought I would be.
Tears for the woman I became
and tears for the woman I am becoming.
Tears of sadness,
Tears that cleanse my heart
and my soul
allowing me to embrace
all my opportunities.
What one can expect to find if they continue after reading and understanding the rules:
My heart enclosed. The gates locked. Bridge is up and the moat is full. With vicious crocodiles. And piranhas.
As I sit here, pouting like a petulant toddler who’s discovered she has to share her candy, I realize how hard I am to please. I have always been the caretaker. That role, after doing it for years becomes exhaustive.
Every single relationship I have been in I end up being in total control. I am the one making all the plans, paying all the bills and ensuring that life continues along tickety-boo. And now I have independence and the only ones I need to worry about are T and myself.
So I have come up with 10 things I need to warn the opposite sex of. About me. And my requirements. For my non- relationship. With a man who can take care of himself.
1) I do not want a relationship. However I do not want to share you. So get use to it.
2) I want a text. Not a thousand times a day but a good morning, a hey in the afternoon and a good night. So I know I have flitted across your mind.
4) I want to hang out with you. But I don’t. So just sit there until you figure it out. I will continue to read my Kindle.
5) I want to talk to you. Sometimes I will actually want you to participate in the conversation. Wait for the extended pause and dive in there.
6) I am a little bit crazy. But just a little bit, most of my friends will tell you it is barely noticeable.
7) I have anxiety attacks. There is no rhyme or reason they strike from no where. Just talk to me calmly about anything so I can focus and ask you questions.
8) I am not certain I want overnight company. I now sleep diagonally across my king size bed. Debating if I want to share.
9) I live with depression. That means some days I am sad. There is nothing you can do about it. Give me a hug and kiss and I will be okay. Some cuddles are nice too.
10) I am extremely emotional. I cry at commercials. I get mad at stupid stuff. I feel things very differently.
Truthfully, I am forwarning most men. I am a weird woman. I want my independence. I want to be taken care of. I want to be respected.
T and me had a conversation recently. He wanted to know when I was going to get a boyfriend. I phfft’d and said I did not need a boyfriend.That I was more than capable of doing what was needed. He looked at me and asked ‘ you just needed one to help you put together my bed, right mom?’ (I so could have put his bed together but a friend with a drill is much more helpful)
I am a rather sarcastic person. My humor tends to be a little rough. Not quite as rough as fart jokes, but it can be a little rough. I make smart ass comments in an aside to M all the time. Than we giggle like little school girls. However, I never realized quite how much T takes after me until last evening.
Soccer practice was cancelled due to rain. Rain had stopped but the fields were a mess so Thursday it will be an hour and a half practice. (Wohoooooooo) T and me are at home and I have informed him that he must come and help me with the dishes. All I needed for him to do was put the dishes away. First we bartered about how much money this was going to earn him. I informed him that at the end of the week I would let him know how much money he earned so long as he did what I asked.
This lead to a conversation of how unfair it was, that none of his other friends ever had to do chores. I responded with ‘I am not their parent, I am yours. And to teach you to be a responsible adult, you are going to learn to do chores. Do you know why buddy?’ He looks at me like I am crazy. ‘Because life as an adult is one never ending chore. I clean the house, I do laundry, I work, I make your lunch, I cook dinner, I do and do and do……with the possibility of getting fifteen minutes in at the end of the day, before I fall asleep.’
He stared at me and blinked his eyes before grabbing the cutting board and asking where it went. Our conversation as he put away the plates, the wine glasses, was the daily things all people talk about. Nothing you would attach significance to. Finally as the sink is empty of all put the cutlery I begin to wash the dishes.
I had been making a steak last week to a request of rare. I had never ever cooked a steak rare, I am a well done kinda girl. So I had my probe thermometer out and googled it to ensure I had the right temperature and score!!!! I did it. That aside, it was in the sink with the cutlery, stem pointing up so I cautioned T to be careful so he didn’t poke himself. He proceeds to take the thermometer out and spin it around the counter. By now I have washed my cutlery twice and want to rinse it off and put in other sink to dry.
‘Hey buddy, do you think you could take the cutlery out? Just grab it and put on counter. Than you can put in the drawer.’
‘Sure mom.’ And he does. Grabbing two pieces of cutlery at a time. Two!
I can feel my jaw clench as I grind my back teeth. Like seriously grab all the cutlery.
‘Dude what are you doing? Grab some more. Like this’
I reach over and scoop up all the cutlery and dump it on the counter. I look at him standing behind me and he is grinning from ear to ear.
‘Like dude, seriously why didn’t you do that?’
‘Because mom, there might have been something in there that would have poked me.’
And his eight year old voice took on that forced falsetto all men do when they are imitating women. Only he was mocking his mother! I stared at him for a minute as my brain tried to process the fact that my child had just turned my words around on me in the perfect sarcastic play that I actually envy. I played right into his clever little hands. (We all know he didn’t plan it; it just played out this way) I tried to glare but he knew I was faking as I hollered ‘why you little booger!’ T chortled with glee and I kicked him in the butt and we both laughed.
Honestly as I write this I am giggling away. He is so much like me that it is unbelievable. He is also so much like his father. And yet, he is so uniquely himself. This little boy, no not even, he is becoming a young man….the evolution is slow and I hope it will be good, but he is no longer my little baby. As funny as he is.
****I did not come up with this title. I stole it from a friend who said this to me after I told ’em the story.