Sad so Sad Part 2……

Well now that I have had a night to sleep on it, I realize what is going on with me. I am still feeling off this morning and my head is aching but I have a plan. Sort of.

First I realize that I am not always going to be singing about rainbows and true love. Or any type of love at all but that is besides the point. I was lulled. Lulled into thinking that my depression has faded away and is a part of my past. It is not. It is an every day thing that while it may hibernate somewhere in the deep recesses of my body it will reappear.

I am not in the throws of a depressive episode but I have had a dip in my mood. Which I have forgotten happens. So when it did or is as the case may be I begin to beat myself up and berate myself for not being happy. For not having the energy I need to do my job. For being short with T.

I have also fallen away from doing the things that keep me on track. Such as working out every morning. Making time to write and read. Sitting out in the sun.

So as of today I am going to quit beating myself up.  I will let the feelings move through me. Not dwell on them. Not try to figure out the reason behind them. Just let them move through and out.

I am going to get back on track. Waking up on time to work out. Not skipping a day even if I don’t feel like getting my ass out of bed. I am going to make the time I need to write. To read.

I will smile and be pleasant with my customers but until I fully move through to the other side I will not take myself to task for not being ‘on’.

I was allowing my depression to define me again, to make me doubt myself. And that is wrong. It is I who define my depression and I need to remember that.

Have a great day everyone. I know that I am going to.

**I picked my favorite quote because again I forget. What happened yesterday has happened. I cannot change it. What will happen today is up for grabs at the moment but I have the power to make it a great day. And even if today is not that great, there will be tomorrow. And as each tomorrow becomes today, it is a new day and a new chance for me to grow and learn. I must remember that always. 🙂

Even Keel

I am sitting watching Parks and Recreation. I have really been enjoying it. Today I cried when Leslie hugged Ron who announces that he is not down with it and she says she doesn’t care. And I thought why can’t I be as happy as Leslie Knope?

Now I realize that this is a fictional character created for television. She is an optimistic, smiling, happy and caring individual. Even when things are not going her way, she buckles down and gets it done. An incredible skill for gift giving as well.

I miss being happy. I miss laughing. I am not always a sad sack. I do laugh, there are moments where my life feels a little brighter. But I am looking at myself and realizing that despite thinking I am better, there are small signs that I am not quite up to 100%. I am still unable to read. This of all things really kills me because books have always been my escape. I will read a page or two and than I set it aside as my concentrations wanes.

I look around the apartment and though tidy, it needs a good vacuuming and the bathroom could use a once over. Yet, I am okay with how it is looking. I cannot muster the energy at the moment to do anything.

These ups and downs of my emotions cause me turmoil. When I am up and happy, I feel great. When I am down, I weep and feel sorrow. I want to hide away. I would love to be on an even keel.