Rending

Locked in my mind
vicious voice
rending my soul
my belief
in self.
Denouncing the strength
the knowledge
riding over affirmations
burying them in the cemetary dark.
I am lost
I am tired
I am afraid
to look down this road once more.
My knees shatter
I offer up beseechment
leave me alone this time
I won’t fight the next.
Thick mimosia
clinging
wrapping
entangling
knock me from my feet
blood flows
tears collapse
as I shudder beneath.
You silly bitch
hissing voices scream
you have no control 
you have no ability
to rid yourself of me.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
July 18/18
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A Million Times More

I practiced mindfulness today. I practiced a little bit of gratitude. Both I need to work on some more. What I did not practice today and this seems to be a theme, is not flying off the handle.
Last night when T got home we talked a bit and as he was laying in bed he wanted to know when he was going to his dad’s. I said next week. He got a little irrate and was not listening. Finally it seemed that it sunk in. Next week was his dad’s week. This week is mine. I let him go to his dad’s both yesterday and today after school. I am really fine with that. He has been spending so much time with me, I thought that it would be good for him to have extra time with his dad.
This morning was going great until I tried to make an appointment for T to have his eyes checked. He went off about how he did not want to. That his eyes were fine. Why on earth did he need to have his eyes checked. And besides which this was his weekend with his dad. Calmly I explained that really his eyes should be checked yearly. That given I wear glasses, that Chichi use to wear glasses, bad eyes run in the family, we need to ensure that any problems are caught quickly. Than I said and this was not his his weekend with his dad it was mine.
T demanded to know how it was fair that I got to have him for three weeks in a row. I explained for what felt like the 100th time that last week had been Spring break. That with his dad working nights, we had decided that T would stay here. His dad picked him up from the grandparents on Thursday took him to a movie and dropped him off back home to me around 4:30 and went home to have friends over. Friday was the chocolate hunt and he was not feeling so great. This is not what I said to T. I need to put this out there so I can let it go.
T began again, about how unfair it was. And I flew off the handle. I raised my voice. I said this is my week with you, mine. (Had I been a little kid I would have been stomping my feet at this point.) That if I wanted to be really mean I could say that he could not see his dad. That he was really hurting me here. I was annoyed. He stared up at me petulant and angry. I was angry too. We had our tussel. He went into the bathroom to take his shower and I sat on the couch with tears in my eyes. (Again wearing mascara and eye liner so I really did not want to start leaking all over.) I even tried to talk to myself but that feeling, the darkness that kills me started to seep in.
After T’s shower I went into the bathroom. And in the back of my head was go get some pills. How else are you going to be able to do it today? You are hurting and upset. You will never be able to fake it. No one will ever know. I sat down and through blurred eyes I said my affirmations. I stood up and stared at myself in the mirror. Hard. I shook my head. Mentally I gave myself a kick in the ass. And you know what I won. I did not cave. I did not go and buy any pills. Instead, I took a deep breath walked into the living room and sat back down.
T was sitting at the end of my couch and I looked at him. Told him to put his game down and come over to me. Wrapped my arms around him and his face was against my shoulder. I asked him if he still loved me. And he assured me that he did. Than he told me to let go of him because I was squishing his face.  We were getting ready to leave and when I turned around he was wearing just his sweat jacket. Another tussel ensued over putting on the winter coat. It was -24 hello you are wearing a coat to school. He finally gave in and put it on.
As he was zipping up his jacket I explained that we were both probably going to hurt one another, be annoyed with one another and angry at least a thousand more times before he became an adult. He shot me a saucy grin and informed me that it would not be a thousand times more, more like a million. I sorta guffawed and off we went.
On my way to Wal-mart after dropping him off, I was still not feeling it. I was still in my head. Fretting. Worrying that I had been a shitty mom once more. And than I gave myself another talking to.
‘Jay it is passed. You cannot undo what you said. T cannot undo what he said. Did you hurt him, yes. Did he hurt you, yes. But it is over and done with just let it go. Besides you cannot go into work moping and sad. That just will not be allowed. You know that you are grateful for the extra time that you are getting with T. Grateful for the relationship that the two of you of building. Let it go.’
And I did. Whipped into Wal-mart and found myself a pair of new work pants. Sat in the car until about 9:15 texting with K because it was way too early to go in. When I did go in I went upstairs to drop my jacket off and went into the bathroom. As I came out I could hear some staff talking in the staff room. Yesterday it was in the Winnipeg Sun that there had been two unexplained deaths in our city. We are very safe and of course there is a large amount of speculation and gossip. As I walked by I heard someone say ‘well only someone with a mental illness would do that.’ I stopped dead in my tracks and waited a moment more to see what else was going to be said. Than went in and got water before heading downstairs. Needless to say there was a sudden shift in conversation.
With T being at his dad’s this evening I decided that I would treat myself to fresh salmon. At work we have salmon in a bakeable bag with different butter pucks in to melt as it cooks. I love the garlic parsley and the fact that I can bake it in the bag! Along with salad because what else do I eat with my dinner. It was a hard thing for me to type to admit that I felt that blackness creep back up. Yet I am proud that I did not give in. It is not something that I can just beat and forget about. I spent many a year using pills when I was hurt and sad. Bored and unchallenged. Angry. Running from my emotions.
With a million times more of hurt and anger and arguements with T, there will be a lot more times that that voice raises its nasty little head. When it does I will not give in. I will look at myself in the mirror and see this new woman. This new strong brave woman who has been at the bottom of the pit and found a way to climb out.  This woman will not tolerate that voice any longer. Not even if it tries to suck me in a million times more.

Don’t think too much

Last week when T came to pick up his boots (he was at his dad’s and knows better than we do about dressing for winter) I reminded him that I would be picking him up from school on Monday. He looked at me in shock and asked me why I was not working. I reminded him that I am going to be off for a few weeks had he forgotten? T looked at me and said oh mom, I thought it was just last week.
This week I am making more of an effort to be dressed for T. Working to make us dinners even if last night we only had Mac & Cheese. I feel triumphant if I wash the dishes and do not leave them piled on the counter. Making my bed is another important milestone each day. I may not make it the second that I roll out of bed, but it does get made.
T and me have been doing a little talking. He is aware that I have depression and am having a rough time of it right now. Monday and yesterday he asked me how my day was and what had I done. I still have to tidy his room but every time that I look in there I become overwhelmed. I do not need to tackle everything in one fell swoop.
The worst for me right now is my mind. It really is my worst enemy. Constantly on the go. Constantly picking at me and the things that I am doing. Reminding me that I am not ‘really’ ill, which than leads me to feel intense guilt that I am sitting at home and not at work. Regardless that I still cry at least once a day. Afternoons seem to be the worst time for me, and the nasty voice picking away. So I work not to think in the afternoons. I am not quite strong enough to do that. The thinking part I mean.
I tried to explain to T that I think too much. That my brain is a never-ending stream of ideas and voices and words. That it rarely stops unless I am asleep. I use magnesium to help me fall asleep and stay asleep so I am able to sleep. If I did not use the magnesium, I would be up late if I was able to sleep at all. Insomnia is one of the lovely side effects I have. Last time I wanted to sleep all the time and now I do not want to sleep at all. I use to be able to take naps in the afternoon, not any longer. The only time I can sleep is at night.
Back to T though. Twice now he has said the following statement to me when I suddenly become pensive and quiet. Usually as I am driving him to school because now, I have an entire day that is going to be filled with silence and thoughts. And a nagging voice making me anxious and struggling. He will look at me and say ‘Mom, don’t think so much.’ And I look at him and smile, my heart filled with love for the boy that sits next to me, determined to make my day better.
I do not want to be left alone with my thoughts.

The Voices Within

***Picture via Pintrest***

With tongue laced in acid

words drip venom down my chest

held deep within your binding spell

unable to tear myself away.

You rip me apart

words laden with bile and hatred

etching everlasting the loathing

that I carry within myself.

Voices dripping with disdain

a roar within my brain

ripping and tearing

the fragile fabric of ego

causing me to crumple in pain.

I raise my head

tears fleeing down my cheeks

defiant in the face of your abuse

pummelled by your voice no more.

 

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

September 16/17

Whispers in my ear

Can you hear me? See me?

are you aware that I am here

the voice that whispers in your ear;

making you insane.

No one will believe you

no one will ever care

you mean nothing my dear

can you hear?

Daily I fight this battle

trying so hard to ignore the voice

the one that tells me all the time

how wrong I am on this earth.

I counter the voice within my head

list upon list of my deeds

I need to center and balance it out

or else I will lose my mind.

This voice has been with me for always

listing out how I am not worth-

not worth the love, the tenderness

not worth a moment of happiness.

Some days I am the winner

the voice is shut down and out

some days I am the loser

and I begin to doubt.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

August 22/17

 

 

 

Acceptance

I brood, and I snarl with disgust, watching you slither

your voice is but a whine pitched deep in my ear

a whine that I want to stop

a whine replaced by a blade?

Pin pricks dotted with blood

you yelp and you disclaim

Am I suppose to hear your sorries

am I suppose to really believe you are sane?

I know the voices I hear are my own

there are no others within my head

So here is the fear that you must accept

I am always going to make you pay.

 

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

March 2/17