Untitled Poem #8

There is a lump in my throat
panic filling my body.
I cannot breathe.
Were you to see me
you would never know
the thoughts rearing through my head.
There was no good morning.
No hello.
No good night.
Immediately that voice
sneering with derision
begins to babble in my ear
how I could have fucked up
between last night
this morning
this afternoon?
(when has it every worked?)
I close my eyes
to erase
to cease
to freeze
the voices inside my head.
Deep breathe.
Neither help
to collapse the pit
forming in my stomach.
Logically
I do know that I am a fool.
Emotionally
the voice hisses
reaping
gorging
breeding
on my fear
my worries
my tears
self-doubt making me crawl
within my own skin.
I remain quiet
not wanting you to know
suffering the dark voices
tears slowly seeping
from the corner of my eyes.
***I originally wrote this September 6/18.
I reworked it today to include the Word of the Day Challenge
Dubious.***
Photo by MMPR on Unsplash

Vile Voices

I think
no I know
that you do not really understand
what my anxiety does to me.
I do not need you to hold my hand
I do not need a night time of chatting
but I do need
a good morning
a good night
maybe just a simple smile
for when I hear nothing
my heart begins to crumble.
I realize
that I am strong
independent
able to carry on.
What most do not realize
is the voice that hisses
bitches
rips me apart
telling me that
for some reason
I am just not good enough.
I am sorry to be so needy
to need assurance
I just need to be told
all will be okay.
I trust you
I love you
I know that you will not abuse
yet… 
please understand
for so long
I was debased
I was shattered
when those who loved me
turned away.
You need to realize
I am not always strong.
Every once in a while
I need to be held
be told
that you love me indeed
as I love you.
All I am asking
is for your understanding
of the vile voices in my head.
November  13/18