Last week when T came to pick up his boots (he was at his dad’s and knows better than we do about dressing for winter) I reminded him that I would be picking him up from school on Monday. He looked at me in shock and asked me why I was not working. I reminded him that I am going to be off for a few weeks had he forgotten? T looked at me and said oh mom, I thought it was just last week.
This week I am making more of an effort to be dressed for T. Working to make us dinners even if last night we only had Mac & Cheese. I feel triumphant if I wash the dishes and do not leave them piled on the counter. Making my bed is another important milestone each day. I may not make it the second that I roll out of bed, but it does get made.
T and me have been doing a little talking. He is aware that I have depression and am having a rough time of it right now. Monday and yesterday he asked me how my day was and what had I done. I still have to tidy his room but every time that I look in there I become overwhelmed. I do not need to tackle everything in one fell swoop.
The worst for me right now is my mind. It really is my worst enemy. Constantly on the go. Constantly picking at me and the things that I am doing. Reminding me that I am not ‘really’ ill, which than leads me to feel intense guilt that I am sitting at home and not at work. Regardless that I still cry at least once a day. Afternoons seem to be the worst time for me, and the nasty voice picking away. So I work not to think in the afternoons. I am not quite strong enough to do that. The thinking part I mean.
I tried to explain to T that I think too much. That my brain is a never-ending stream of ideas and voices and words. That it rarely stops unless I am asleep. I use magnesium to help me fall asleep and stay asleep so I am able to sleep. If I did not use the magnesium, I would be up late if I was able to sleep at all. Insomnia is one of the lovely side effects I have. Last time I wanted to sleep all the time and now I do not want to sleep at all. I use to be able to take naps in the afternoon, not any longer. The only time I can sleep is at night.
Back to T though. Twice now he has said the following statement to me when I suddenly become pensive and quiet. Usually as I am driving him to school because now, I have an entire day that is going to be filled with silence and thoughts. And a nagging voice making me anxious and struggling. He will look at me and say ‘Mom, don’t think so much.’ And I look at him and smile, my heart filled with love for the boy that sits next to me, determined to make my day better.
I do not want to be left alone with my thoughts.
***Picture via Pintrest***
With tongue laced in acid
words drip venom down my chest
held deep within your binding spell
unable to tear myself away.
You rip me apart
words laden with bile and hatred
etching everlasting the loathing
that I carry within myself.
Voices dripping with disdain
a roar within my brain
ripping and tearing
the fragile fabric of ego
causing me to crumple in pain.
I raise my head
tears fleeing down my cheeks
defiant in the face of your abuse
pummelled by your voice no more.
Can you hear me? See me?
are you aware that I am here
the voice that whispers in your ear;
making you insane.
No one will believe you
no one will ever care
you mean nothing my dear
can you hear?
Daily I fight this battle
trying so hard to ignore the voice
the one that tells me all the time
how wrong I am on this earth.
I counter the voice within my head
list upon list of my deeds
I need to center and balance it out
or else I will lose my mind.
This voice has been with me for always
listing out how I am not worth-
not worth the love, the tenderness
not worth a moment of happiness.
Some days I am the winner
the voice is shut down and out
some days I am the loser
and I begin to doubt.
I brood, and I snarl with disgust, watching you slither
your voice is but a whine pitched deep in my ear
a whine that I want to stop
a whine replaced by a blade?
Pin pricks dotted with blood
you yelp and you disclaim
Am I suppose to hear your sorries
am I suppose to really believe you are sane?
I know the voices I hear are my own
there are no others within my head
So here is the fear that you must accept
I am always going to make you pay.