I did it!!!!

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So…….this will be causing some confusion for my most recent followers and those who journeyed with me for awhile are probably thinking ‘um what did she do now?’ It is well known that I fly all over the place and have the strangest thoughts and feelings. This though, this needed to be done.

I crashed hard this passed Winter. I will not reiterate all I went through, for those who would like to know there are multiple blogs written and posted under Depression. I had a drug addiction problem, I was depressed. I did not believe in myself and it all came to a head when I took 30+ pills on December 23rd.

For three months, I did not work. At a job. I worked at myself. Hard. I looked at what caused me to do this. I looked at what I needed to do to make sure that it never happened again. I looked at my life. At what I wanted and needed to do.

T is my number one priority. And being in charge at work left me little time for him. Even when we were together I was always thinking about what had to be done, how it could be done. Staff issues. You name it, I dealt with it. I was short changing him.

My writing. This is my passion. This is what I am meant to do. I have known since I was 6 years old, if not sooner, that I wanted to be a writer. And than life got in the way. I need to reclaim that.

My mental health. While not all issues were work related, my need to appease male authority figures and be perfect related to my past, but I was projecting it forward. And it was killing me.

When I went back I went back with an open mind. No responsibility. See how things went. And you know what? I loved it. The not being responsible part. The not having to manage people. Or follow up with issues. Or making sure this, that and the next thing were done. I go to work, I work, and I come home. With energy for T and my own desires. Hmmmmmmmmmm……..

The last couple of days, my blood pressure has been elevated. I have been playing scene after scene over in my head about telling my boss I was stepping down. And I knew it had to be now. There was no more waiting. I was making myself ill and irritable because I thought I needed to wait. I didn’t.

I discussed this all with T before hand. Some might think what the heck? Talking to a 9 3/4 year old and asking his opinion? Hell ya! This is his life being affected too and I think that as parents we sometimes forget that. I explained to him that my stepping down meant time in morning but would have to work a little later in evening. He looked at me and said, ‘mom I want more time.’ That decided me right than and there.

Let’s get back on track. Today I went to my boss and asked if he had time for me. Finally around 4ish or so he did. I went to his office and while I teared up a little I explained I needed to step aside. T needs me more and that is what matters. The picture at the very top is me right after I gave my notice of stepping down. The second one is of me this evening after I have told everyone I know that I had done it.

There are a few who think that I am going to regret this but they are wrong. T, my mental health and my writing, that is what is important now.

I finally did it! I finally put not only T but myself first and damn but does it feel amazing.

 

 

Truth

I spoke my truth
while you hid behind lies
tormenting and making me doubt
that I was right.
How could you harm
one you were suppose to protect?
How could you destroy
the woman that I was meant to be?
I have spent years in denial
no, not denial
repression and as my brain awakens
the horror flows through
as once more you destroy my life.
But I am stronger than you
I am better than you
I will no longer succumb to you
and your terror.
I stand on a mountain top
breathing in crystal clear air
this is my mecca 
this is my starting point
this is where my real life begins.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
January 31/18

The Road to Wellness

I have not written since writing the poem Tears. The inspiration seems to have fled. My last two days have been interesting.
Yesterday I finally reached the woman who is handling my short term claim. We talked, rather she asked questions and I cried as I answered. When we were done she told me that she was approving my claim. When we got off the phone I sobbed with relief. Finally I could stop worrying about whether or not I was going to have money coming in and start to focus solely on myself. I checked my account over and over again and than decided that T and me were going to go to Walmart when I picked him up, that surely by than the money would be in the bank. (It arrived this morning.)
Picked T up from school and off we went to Walmart. Needed a few extra things but did have that $50.00 gift card I could put towards the purchase. T was the cart pusher and he did everything he could to ‘bug’ me. He is determined that the more he acts like a fool, that I am going to agree to let him stay home while I go shopping. So I let him in on a little secret, the longer he acted this way the longer that he would have to come shopping with me. He needed to learn how to act in public. We had fun. Little scuffle over a mini Axe that T wanted to buy, he has 4 of them at home, full sized though. Felt that my buying cat litter was not fair how come they got a treat and he didn’t? Not sure how he figures this is a treat for the cats but I went with it.
On our way home from Walmart T suddenly says to me, ‘Mom you have a big booger hanging from your nose!’ I start swiping at my nose, picking at it and I look over at T, ‘is it gone?’ As I am asking this I am leaning over to look in the rearview mirror. T by this time is chortling away like he has seen the funniest thing ever. ‘Hey mom?’ ‘Yes?’ ‘There never was a booger.’ and once more he is going off into peals of laughter. This lead to me telling him I was going to punch him. My punch consisted of my finger pushing at him. We had to stop because I was weaving over the road.
We had a good evening last night. I had salad and T had pizza pops. Yes once more I did not have the oomph to make us a dinner. Today is different as I am making the effort to cook. Also the fish in the fridge needs to be cooked today. Have to figure out what to make for (hey look the sun is coming out, bathing the living room in golden light how awesome) veggies for T as he will not eat my salad.
Today I was having a mild anxiety attack as I was thinking that I was going to have to re-call the woman about my claim when I checked my bank balance after 7 there is was. Paid my whole 2 bills and took a deep breath and released it, feeling that weight lift off my shoulders. T asked if he could go to school at noon and I laughed at him. He unpacked the lunch bag he should have unpacked last evening and than went to get himself ready for school. Alright so I pack up the lunch put it in his bag, touch up my coffee and sit back down. T is still in the bathroom. I asked him what he was doing. He said I am getting ready as though I was not right in the head. My response was still, for by this time his has been in the bathroom for 12 whole minutes. This from a child who showers in under 2 minutes. Well he was putting on his deoderant, fixing his hair, brushing his teeth and the whole nine yards.
We bundled out to the car and on the way to school I told him that this evening we were going to have a crib game. We are also going to build our house in Minecraft when we got home after school. Tonight is also shower night although T will convince me to let him take it at 6 when he gets up tomorrow. And maybe I will have T wash the dishes. Mwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha he is going to be so impressed with me.
I pulled up to drop him off and he leaned over for his kiss. We both said our I love you’s and he opened the door. Than I said as I always do, have a great day at school buddy, I love you.  Love you too mom. He closes the door and starts to walk away but stops and turns and we blow one another kisses. We do this every morning when I drop him at school. It has become a ritual for us. We have also started a good night ritual. Pretty much the same thing, good night, love you, sweet dreams and than last night I tacked on a blown kiss. Told him was flying around the door and did he catch it? He did and than I heard him blow me one and tapped my cheek. T asked if I got it. I said yes.
I had a small blip this afternoon as I was getting dishes done and wiping down the counter. A wave of sadness washed over me and I hiccuped a couple of sobs. I grit my teeth and continued to wipe down the counter. As I washed the dishes, I concentrated on what my next step was. So I decided that I was going to walk to the post box. And than check my lottery ticket to see if I had won. I had not so I must try again. I bundled up grabbed my phone (it has been chiding me as my steps have fallen off since being at home) and off I went.
The air is brisk. A little too damp for me to walk and pick up Tember as it is a wet chill. I actually had mail, both about my RRSP’s. Nice because the work one has finally caught up with me and I can now call and talk about investing it. Grabbed a couple of cans of Pepsi (surprise T) and the lotto tickets. A girl can always dream.
I am off now to pick T up from school. Writing this has increased the feeling of wellness. I am proud that I did not give into the sadness this afternoon. It is not always going to be that way. Some days the sadness will be stronger than I am, but that is the nature of my depression. Each day is another day learning how to live with and cope with myself and my stresses.  Each step forward is a step along the road to wellness.