Like, Um, Just

Last week this all began. Thursday was the day of the absolutely mortifying conversation and subsequent change in behaviour. That was all the day that T and me talked. I did not yell or scream, he did not feel he needed to make excuses, we talked. And than we even sat down and had dinner together.

As T and me are eating and having even more conversations, I slowly become aware of the fact the every other word out of T’s mouth is like. Followed by um. Flashback to the day before when I was going to the back to do something and passed a young woman on her phone. Every second word in that 30 second snippet I overheard was like. Like this, like that.

Now I guarantee you that as Chichi is reading this, she is howling over her cup of Yarba chortling ‘oh Jay.’

The story behind the word like in our household:

I am a child of the 70’s and 80’s. Valley Girl idioms made their way as far north as Winnipeg, Manitoba. So like was a popular word. My mom hates it. My aunt who is an editor hates it. I now realize why.

In February 2016 I went and spent two weeks with my mom. Am pretty sure that those two weeks saved my life because when I came back home I had a game plan for how to move away from the toxicity I found myself in. Chichi and me walked a lot and talked. We always have. Or rather, I have always told her everything and she in return tries to not offer advice but listen and allow me to talk my way through it.

I imagine after about a week Chichi was exasperated by my continued use of the word like in my sentences. Finally she demanded of me if I knew how often I said the word like when I was speaking. I was taken aback. I never use the word like I countered. Really? Chichi challenged me to listen to what I was saying and to count how many times I used it.

Holy cow Batman!

It was horrible. I was using like as though it were fairy dust and I was sprinkling that shit everywhere.

Like is the lazy way of speaking, Chichi and my Aunt ringing in my head. You are in too much of a rush to speak and not to find the words that will help you express what you need to. (As a writer I understand however 2 years ago I was still bumbling around in the dark, lost and buried beneath my life and unhappiness.)

It took a lot of perseverance but I was able to do it. I stopped in the middle of sentences a lot for a while when the word like danced on my tongue. But I did it.

Now flash forward to my household and T’s receiving the exact same lecture that I did 2 years ago. I explained how it was considered to be a lazy way of speaking. That he needed to slow down and think about what he was saying. T looked at me and went okay mom. And as I type this I realize that I have not heard him use the word like at all.

Before though you raise your morning coffee/tea and salute me in this I do have a confession to make:

I have discovered another word that I overuse when I am writing text messages or am talking and that word is ‘Just.’

I just walked in the door.

I just got off the phone.

I just, I just, I just, must, need to find another word to describe the moment.

🙂

 

Succubus

Sultry seduction

walking through alleys of neon.

Scarlet shoes crush shards of glass

as she carries on.

The stench of tar, low brow

follows in her wake.

Tattered gown and vile detection

her glance behind assures I am hidden.

Slithering through the shadows

a haunted man, a ghoul caught

Ensnared by the succubus.

I only sought to be free.

How could no one see?

I mused, I mourned, for her eyes are blood red

Horns curl high above

but none see but a broken whore

close to falling.

My hand curls round the blade placed at my waist

as I follow further along the path

noticing not the fading light

the lack of commerce or even friendly folk.

Within the glade she first found me

we danced a delicate death

I knew now that there was no recourse

That all I could do is submit

for she is mine…….

and I am hers……..

to feed, to soothe, to be.

Forgive me father.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

June 20/17

Untitled 7

You Swore! You Promised!

Spittle covers my dejected face

as I fall to my knees.

Tattered rags and dirt covered feet

attest to how far I have come.

I watch the disdain play a game

trying to hide and yet failing.

I watch those of your court pity me

but there is nothing I can do.

You swore that you would protect me!

You promised that you would love me!

And yet here I am, abased on the floor.

I hear the clack of heels as you walk away,

I hear the murmur of voices in my head,

in a flash with a blade of steel

I have ended your life.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

June 6/17

 

 

Exploited

I trusted you at a time when all deferred

holding your hand in a time of terror

as you did loudly proclaim

your sincere innocence.

I followed your lead, pushed them all away

locking myself away in the dark

isolated

weakened

and unsure.

Your words were like whips stinging

your lips stroked with velvet steel

your caresses desirous to me.

I lost myself within your reason

I lost myself within your greed

I lost myself within your desire

for it was how I had to pay.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

June 5/17

 

Babe

You tease me and you taunt me, you call me babe

you know that it makes me melt.

I adore your desire for me, your lust

because I share the same.

Wrapped in your arms, pressed against the wall

desire, it floods my body, and I cannot even compare,

I cannot even decipher, all I know is how I need you

how I lust for you, day after day.

Whisper my name, tame my heart, my desire

you know how to make me crawl and beg

I want to be wrapped in your comfort

to know that you really do care.

Tell me I am not a booty call

even if I am……

Allow me the fantasy…..the belief that I am special

wrap me in your arms,

love me in our own fashion,

please don’t make me crawl.

My love affair…….

So all my life I have had a love affair with books. I love to read. My mom use to and now I have them, pictures of when I was potty training. I had a stack of books on one side and a bag of cookies on the other side of me. When I had the choice of watching t.v. or reading, I read. My favorite thing to do was go to the library. I use to walk to the library or take the bus and than walk home. Reading the newest book I could find.

I was most reluctant to get a Kindle. I mean I love the smell of books. New or old, the smell of the paper. Nothing is sweeter. Hearing the crack of the spine of a brand new book, nothing sounded more like a perfect hymn than that. The physical weight of the book in your hands. Books, books, books, my ex use to mock me.

I only broke down and bought myself a Kindle after my mom did. She raved about it so I cracked and got one. And I love it. I still love my books, but a Kindle. When I traveled down to Mexico to see my mom, I had this thin book that holds tons and tons of books. It did not add any weight to my luggage.

I began to purge. All my books. Really I gave them all to my sil and niece and nephews. I packaged up all my books and sent them on their way. I can still get them back. The fact remains though that I only kept my favorites. George R.R. Martin, J.V. Jones, Brent Weeks, Brandon Sanderson. Terry Pratchett. He and Brandon each have a whole shelf to themselves. I am sorry, I forgot to mention J. K. Rowling and Robin Hobb. I order the kindle version and print version as well.

Was recently having a conversation with a friend. We were discussing tenent insurance and how I really should get some.

‘Yes you are right. I mean it would be hard to replace all my books.’

‘Your books? Don’t you think that you should be more worried about getting a couch, a t.v. maybe a bed? Books do not need to be replaced right away. They can be gradually acquired.”

I looked at this person with an absolutely horrified look on my face.

‘We cannot see one another any more.’

The look on his face was priceless and I was joking but seriously!! What is wrong with you? Books are my passion. Words written down, stories told, they are so important to me. And to tell me that books can gradually be acquired.

I made the mistake of texting M about this. And she mocked me. She sided with him. She was going to tell him to flick his lighter next to my books. I would have killed him. First, I have an absolute fear of spontaneously combusting. Do I realize that is so unlikely to happen?  Yes I do. My ex flicked his lighter near me several times and earned a punch for his efforts. And now you are going to flick your Bic near my books? He didn’t because she woosed out. So she used it to taunt me today.

Eventually our conversation ended up with her mocking me and me going into the apartment. My plan was to go back to bed. I ended up sitting in front of the computer and playing games on Facebook. And as she was sitting on the front step, in between her door and mine she heard me lock my door.

‘I am going to break in and touch all your books.’ I hear her shout through the door.

I start to giggle and turn around. I stand at the bottom of my stairs. My door closed and locked.

‘You don’t have to break in, you have a key,’ I bellow back.

‘Huh, mumble mumble mumble,’ M mumbled. Not sure what that means.

I told the story to my CS girl and assistant manager today. My CS girl could absolutely not believe that he would say I could acquire books gradually. Like seriously, everyone knows how I feel about books and reading. My assistant manager said those are fighting words and he really does not know you.

I love reading. I love words. I love how I can combine them and make pictures with the prose I write. I love reading the stories that others want to share. Some I envy because I think I will never be good enough and some I believe are compatriots. I denied myself the joy of writing but I have never denied myself the joy of reading. For within those words I am able to lose myself.