Stormy Sunshine

Today has been one of those days that began with a storm and ended in sunshine. T and I went head to head this morning. Screaming. Crying. I told him to shut up. He tried to hit me. Unsuccessfully before you get up in arms. I easily batted his hands away as he was screaming at me not to touch him. I locked myself in my bedroom. Eventually things settled down.

I am not proud of either of our behaviors. However a friend told me that some times you need to assert your authority. Remind them who the boss is. I had forgotten about that. T apologized to me and our morning ended with my dropping him off at school. And trying to teach him some times tables on the way to school. He did not like my attempts even though I was trying to teach him some short cuts. I told him that in either grade 3 or grade 4 (positive it was grade 3) I use to be sent off to a quiet room off the library to do my times tables. I had some issues learning them as well. I still use short cuts I taught myself when I need to times some numbers.

Went to work intent on talking to my boss about my return to 8 hour shifts May 14th.  However he was busy and I did not catch him before my shift started. So I forced him to talk to me on my 15 minute break. That I set my timer for. I wanted to know how he was feeling about me. What he thought and/or felt about my return. What we were planning to do.

He asked me how I felt I was doing. How I was doing. Not how the front was doing but me. And what did I do, I told him everything that I was noticing that was wrong. Again I need to learn how to not do these things. I need to step back and do my job. Just my job. Not manage but interact with the customers. Talk with people. I am uncertain if I should go and mention that I realize my error in listing out what I was seeing or if I should leave it alone.

We decided that I am going to work Customer Service and Cashier until the end of June. During this time I am going to decide whether or not I want to remain the Lead Supervisor. If I want to step down and be a supervisor. Or completely remove myself from the supervisory responsibility altogether and become full time Customer Service/Cashier. Still at same wage. Still with same benefits. Still with 40 hours a week. And no responsibility. None. Other than to come in and do my job.

While talking with my friend, I listed out all the pros. This here is the largest one, even though I have gone back to work my creative juices have been flowing. I am having ideas galore, some are funny, some are dark, but they are there. I have begun working on my first collection of short stories and poetry. I am excited. Last night I did not want to go to bed at 10 p.m. because I wanted to be writing. I woke up at 4 and thought about getting up to write but I had been in the middle of a great dream and decided that I wanted to try and recapture it.

Tonight I have had two ideas pop up and a third in play. My first batch is a little dark, okay a lot dark and warped.  My comedic ideas are totally lighter.  I think that once I get some of this darkness out of me, I will settle into a balance. This is the joy of writing short stories, I can write about everything and anything.

My evening has been good. I did not turn on the t.v. until around 6. I was home at 2. Although I did not do a full work out I did do my toning exercises. Supper was pork tenderloin sliced thin, 4 slices of cheese toast and salad. I was famished. As I was cooking I realized/spotted the above item on the floor. I picked it up and was about to throw it away when I realized what it was.

I had bought T a 6 pack of Powerade. It is one of the rings that hold the 6 together. He snipped it so that when it went into the garbage and eventually made it to the dump, that no animals could get tangled up in it. So I must be doing something right.

Okay, now I am so embarrassed.  I was asking T where he had learned to cut the loops so as to save the animals. And he looks at me like I have grown 2 horns. Has no idea what I am talking about. I explain to him how birds can get tangled in them, smaller animals etc. He is shaking his head. So I ask why he is cutting the loops. So he can get the drink out. I could only stare at him. I told him I had been bragging about him all over the place. And now alas, I am wrong about his motives. Where oh where did I go wrong? (JK)

Tomorrow is another Day

Today has not been a winning day.
I guess I should have known something was afoot when I took the laundry out of the dryer last night and dumped it on my bed without putting it away or folding it. It is still there. My bed has remained unmade. This morning, I reset the alarm to 5:30 and decided that I did not feel like exercising. I did get ready for work and T and me sat here having our usual morning. And than it began at 8:35 when I told T to get his jacket on.
Another disagreement. I ended up going outside so that I did not begin to yell. I was frustrated about his unwillingness to wear his winter coat to school. He came out and stormed off to the car. In the car he continued ranting that he did not need a jacket. It was not that cold out. And it was too cold for me to walk and meet him after school. It is too puffy. It is too small. Why couldn’t I buy him a spring jacket at least? I than told him that someone may think that I was an unfit mother and call CFS. Which lead to a conversation in which he informed me he would not allow them to take him and there was no way that he was going to another family.
Both of us were irritated when I dropped him off. He did not give me a goodbye kiss. Nor blew me a kiss. But he did tell me that he loved me as he ran off. I watched hoping that he would turn around and blow me my kiss, but no.
I came back home and ate a bowl of cereal before leaving for work.
I am not feeling it. I enjoy talking to the customers and helping them, but I look around and I see how things have slipped. I worked really hard building up our front end. And it has slipped. One of the other supervisors today even told me that they had been letting things slide. I am not wonder woman and I am not riding to the rescue anymore.
This morning before leaving for work, I checked my blood pressure and it was high. 144/93. Which caused me to freak out. Got home from work, and took it again. 143/90. I started to cry. I sent K a frantic message and she told me to calm down. To call my doctor. That it might be possible that I really am not ready to be back at work. I thought that I would make myself lunch and sit down, relaxing. Until I called to make sure that my paperwork for my claim had been filed. And discovered that my hours and earnings were going to have to be submitted before they would top me up. I was calm on the phone but the minute I got off, the tears started to flow.
I know, I know, what the heck was I crying for? It was not as though I could do anything about it. It is a small blip in the steadiness that has been the norm for me lately. I even sent K a message telling her that. But it did not make me feel any better. Even sobbing did not alleviate the sudden sadness that flowed over me. And to make it worse, there was no reason for it. I have dealt with worse and have been alright.
I did end up driving to the school to pick T up. He was right this morning it was too cold for me to walk. I am a bit of a woose tha way. Even as I sat in the car texting with a friend, tears flowed down my face. They would not stop. I shook my head trying to get a grip. I mean I had to walk across the school yard to get T, I couldn’t have tears frozen to my face.
T wanted to go to his friend’s place today but understood when I told him that I had a rough day and wanted him to be at home. He was kind of okay with this but not really. He is 9. Who wants to hang out with their mom when they have friends calling for them. I had held my hand out to him, I think I wanted a flat high five and he grabbed it holding tight. I was explaining about my high blood pressure and work. And maybe just maybe the rejection of my poem, even though I was prepared for it, bothers me a little more than I thought. Suddenly I turned to him and announced that we were going to have lasagna and cheese bread (amazing store made cheesebread) and he laughed at me.
He found it funny that one second I was crying and the next I was excited about supper. We discussed the fact that he needed to plan a bit better for his going over to his friends. I needed to know about it before hand, not when I picked him up. And than I started to cry again and told him that I was sorry, I was not really in the mood to have to deal with people. He looked over at me and said ‘Mom, you are strong. You are very very strong. And you can do this.’
Of course more tears came but they were proud tears. Granted he was trying to make me feel better and we have had a ton of conversations about his not having to do that. But he loves me. And he wants me to remember these things. I looked over at him and asked him what the heck I would do without him.? His answer was that he did not know what either myself or his dad would do without him.
I was talking tonight with a new friend, someone who rapidly has become one of ‘those’ people. She gets me. Even when I am weird. She listens to me as well. Unfortunately for her she is now a part of my tribe whether she wants to be or not. I’ll call her DD. And it has nothing to do with her bra size. As we were talking about her day, she mentioned how she felt that everything that was wrong today would be made right tomorrow. And I began to cry.
Is that not the truth of it? The reality of things? While today I am feeling like I have slipped back 10 or 15 steps come tomorrow, it will be made right.
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