All About the A’s and an N too

The last few nights I have waited up for T to get dropped off from his dad’s so we can chat about his day.
He comes into my room and lays on the end of the bed telling me everything.
At least I think it is everything although as a teenager I am sure that he will keep somethings back from me.
Yesterday we talked about his school work due this week (his teacher sends home updates during the week as to what the class is working on I love it); today is mystery bag day.
T has to take 6 items that describe him and will have to get up in front of the class to talk about them and how they relate to his life.
Asked him what he was going to take and he shrugged his shoulders.
He will decide today as he is running out the door when his dad arrives to pick him up.
 
He has two reading reports due next month and T took one of my books to school for this.
Until he realized how many pages there were; and there is a lot of words on the page.
Oh I howled when he told me that one.
Yesterday was also spelling test day.
 
T and I argue about his spelling.
I have told him that I want him to spell correctly and use proper sentences when he is texting me.
He says I know what he is talking about so why should he have to spell correctly?
As I use to tell mom:  why should I learn to spell when I will be working on computers which has spellcheck?
I still need to know how to spell it turns out and I am now the one everyone comes to when they are uncertain as to how to spell a word.
I still often use the rule: I before E except after C.
Yes there are exceptions but this is more to say that mom was right spelling is very important.
 
Me: You have a spelling test this week?
T: I did it already. We had the test today.
Me: How did you do?
T: 10 out of 15.
Me: Ok
T: I got uneasy wrong. I forgot the A.
Me: Oh I would have thought you would have spelled it with a zed instead of an s.
T: Ah you wound me…..
Clutches his heart and walks away as I am laughing.
T: And I know that there is no zee in uneasy.
Me: Zed.
T: Zee mom, Zee.
Me: Zed.
We agreed to disagree.
 
T: I also spelled discourage wrong.
Me: You did?
T: Yes I forgot the A. And I spelled (cannot recall word) wrong. Guess what letter I forgot?
Me: The A?
T (laughing): Yes and I also got unknown wrong. No A’s this time but I forgot the n after the k so I spelled unkown. (Pronounded Uncown)
 
He was laughing hysterically leaning against my doorframe.
I love to see him happy like this.
And he laughs like I do.
The laughter fills him and it comes out without stopping.
I do know that there is going to come a day when he decides that mom is no longer the center of his universe.
It may have already happened but I like to hang onto the delusions of my importance to his teenage self.
When I look at him at T as he was when we talked last night, smiles and laughter, and I think that maybe I am doing a decent job in getting him ready for the world.
Except for the spelling.
But mom that is what spellcheck is for!
 
©Sept. 22/21
Picture is my own

Fears

Everyone fears something.
From spiders to flying to dogs to cats to cars to spontaneous combustion.
The last one may be a little more out there but you can bet that it has happened.
How do I know this for sure?
For there is a warning label on my dryer that I should stand clear in case of spontaneous combustion.
To be honest that and drowning are the two worst ways I can imagine dying.
I can swim like a fish and all my fires are contained.
Was I once a witch?
I floated so they burned me?????
 
I have given voice to two fears this week.
And in doing so I am hoping that they will lose the power to continue to cause me grief.
 
#1-Crying when I watch T ride off on his bike to school.
Every day.
And I could not figure out why.
Finally last Monday after I got to work, having sat in the car crying, I asked myself:
Jay what is it that you fear? What is it that makes you cry when you see T ride off?
I am afraid that it is the last time I might see him.
As I write this I am teary eyed and not because I am worried any longer but the relief that I now know what the cause was and could deal with it.
Tuesday as we said good-bye I told T that I had gotten to the root cause of my crying and told him what it was.
Did not cry for the rest of the week.
 
#2-Having a real issue this year with aging.
I have never had a problem with the milestone ages I think I have mentioned this before.
But the off years 27/38/49 they have been hard.
I think about my age and the thoughts that rage through my mind:
-I wasted so much time under the influence
-I wasted time of T’s life being a drunk and stoned on pills.
-I hurt my son
-I am only now coming to life. (not like today but having left the ex and in finding my way on my own)
-I fear that I am not going to be around to see T grow up.
 
I am not ill.
Kidneys/Brain/Liver have all been tested and seen.
Nothing wrong with any of them.
Which leaves my heart.
Drugs.
Alcohol.
Cigarettes.
I can only begin to imagine the state of it.
 
I am not courting death.
I am not laying around bemoaning  the choices I made.
I take responsibility.
And overall I am totally healthy.
 
Yesterday I gave voice to my death fear.
Told M all about it as I sobbed.
She informed me that she too has thought of it.
And determined that due to K (her 3rd child and one of T’s best friends)  and her grandchildren that she is not allowed to die.
And by that extension I am not allowed to die because she cannot be responsible for both boys.
Her concern: her death will surely follow from the death stench of their farts.
 
I am putting my fears out there.
Not only speaking them aloud but setting them free in my writing.
With this step I am hoping that I can shake loose these feelings and go back to enjoying my life and time with T.
 
©Sept. 20/21
Picture is my own