Soulless

Look into the maw
gleaming blackness
shrouding your fear.
See the ghost gliding
walking forward
silent feet.
Faces flash
one after the other
nightmares of your past.
Open your mouth to scream
to denounce the burden
when it jumps.
On your back
blinking
the ghost
nay a demon true
hunkers on your chest
and inhales.
Long deep breath
feel a shifting
a tear at your heart.
Lone crystal
trickles down curved cheek
as the soulless
devours your soul
alive for a brief moment
leaving you dead within.
Jay-lyn Doerksen
July 10/18
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Worthless

Why?
Why do you
why do I
believe that we are not worthy?
Worthy
Of love
of happiness
of kindness by others.
We shun
spurn
destroy
rather than allow others close.
Easier
to not feel
to act the fool
shy behind a confident mask.
Tears
falling drop drop
head turned aside
ignoring the gnawing pain
that resides deep in out hearts.
Trust
reaching out
admitting need
want to be held
struggling to find the words.
Why?
I want to be found worthy.
I want to be found to love.
I want the happiness

that should be mine.

©Jay-lyn Doerksen

July 9/18

Within

I once was lost

yet now I am found

for within

a strength resides.

Blackness has reigned

demons gorging

breeding

upon my self-consciousness.

Death grip strangles

tears fall unchecked

abyss at my toes;

heart in tatters

where do I go?

From within

determination.

From within

love.

From within

confidence.

From within

dreams to be followed.

What I sought

has been found

Independence is mine.

Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash

Lost in Time

**The picture is mine stylized by Google Pictures**
I sidle through the silent halls of my memories
head down
teeth bared
afraid of what I might find.
Memories that have been closeted from me
the good
the bad
and everything in between.
As time has passed within this dream
I awaken
and find
that the bad have slowly disappeared.
I can see sunshine and light
I can remember things I long forgot
I cry as the good times spill over me.
For too long
darkness has held court over my memories.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Voices

Within my mind
there resides a voice
it is mine of course.
Every so often it sings its song
and I must listen.
Danger, Danger, Danger
Hide,Hide,Hide
Strength,Strength, Strength
flying at me
swirling around me
making me stumble and fall.
Each of these voices
they are me,
they are mine,
splintered in three.
I wish that they would stop
they would leave me alone
because this new nightmare?
I am not sure
how much more I can take of it.
I am crumbling before you
slowly collapsing into a pile of dust
the fear and venom
bled from my veins.
I will arise
like the phoenix
from the ashes of that girl, that woman
soaring free
taking my place finally
in my own history.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen
 Feb. 1/18

Mental Illness

Woke up to a blanket of snow,

crystal clean.

Felt the chill in the air

hoped that today would be better,

more alive.

Wondering,

what I have done to deserve this?

Mired in depression,

buoyed by the high

bouncing and falling so quickly.

No one knows what it is like,

the emotions,

no one even knows how I cope.

Days go by.

Each one is the same

counting the seconds as they pass.

I can only hope that the cycle will break

and that for a time I will be normal.

I am not crazy,

I am not insane.

I am falling without a safety net

never to know what each day brings

lost within this damaged mind.
©Jay-lyn Doerksen

Written 2003/2004

 

Within

Caught within Winter’s fevered embrace,
a desire to be numbed,
to feel no pain.
Marching forward,
tears frozen to my cheeks
eyes blinded to the warmth
as I traverse the plains of snow.
Within,
I chain my beating heart
desperate to rip free
the sorrow and anguish
that this rage and torment fuel.
Locked in my mind
looping over and over
are tapes of my youth
the silent jeers and taunts
that I have swallowed,
ignored,
ingested,
made into a part of me.
Within Winter’s frozen embrace
I find my madness so clean
so easy to comprehend.
For within Winter’s dying embrace
I give up my denial,
my fight,
and I allow the sun to penetrate.
Jay-lyn Doerksen
December 27/17